[mo229]

Hi guys. As most people on this forum my partner suffers with a coke and alcohol addiction, but had successfully been clean for a year after seeking help.

He relapsed a few months ago whilst I was away but said he didn’t want to do it again, and we have just been away, at which point he started using again. I know he feels deep regret but I think the situation has taken it’s toll on him because he went very distant with me and told me he didn’t want our relationship any more. It was so unlike him. After me giving him a lot of love and support this week and begging for him to let me see him, I just got a very cold message back saying that ‘he needs and wants to be on his own’

The thing is I know this isn’t him AT ALL and it’s the addiction speaking because we were happy. I know he loves me and wants this, but it just seems like the addiction has just turned him into a different person with different feelings. How can he go for being the most loving genuine person who would do anything for me, to just this cold hearted person with no emotion so quickly?!?!? I’m just holding onto that if he pulls himself out of it he might try and salvage the relationship, but I also know that I should walk away for my own sanity.

Its just so hard because I know he doesn’t want this, and I so desperately want to help him but I can’t. I’m feeling heartbroken for myself and for him.

Has anyone elses partners just left them out of the blue during addiction/relapse? I understand they want to focus on themselves especially If they are struggling, but I just don’t understand how they can just turn off their emotions so quickly?

[dxb]

What you describe about what has happened and how it affects and confuses you – resonates so very deeply with me. I wish I could send you a massive hug . We ‘ feel’ and acknowledge our emotions .

I do not feel able to describe in detail, my journey with my addict ( who is my husband). But I know we have periods of stability, love and respect which makes our marriage a wonderful place to be for me – and I believe fit my husband. Then, every so often, fairly ‘ out of the blue’ I will notice subtle changes / signs that substances are back in our marriage again. I am honest and will always try to calmly, and with respect and love, voice my observations but try not to ever lecture or judge. More recently I have been consistent with myself and my husband in being self – protective and refusing to play along with denials, deception, lies and ‘ gaslighting’. – and his self pity. He has learnt over time that When I see him hurting, it breaks my heart but he has In the past been able to manipulate me as he knows I am ‘ soft’ and I love him. My husbands Usual pattern of behaviour is to ‘ hide’ his relapse from me, but he becomes sneaky, secretive and careless and when I confront him he will try to deny and minimise his behaviour. When He realises that I will no longer fall for these lies and his excuses about why he ‘ relapsed’ – he becomes self pitying, withdrawn and cold. He almost becomes ‘ submissive’ in his behaviour- keeping saying he is ‘ sorry ‘ and he loves me and ‘ he understands how I must be feeling!!’. I’ve heard him say ‘ you don’t deserve this – you will be better off without me ‘ so many times. With current lockdown, he is less able to repeat all of past behaviours – as typically, he will become withdrawn and cold and will then leave/ disappear, worry me stupid – refuse to ans er calls / texts (I always ask him just to let me know he is Safe) then he will send me rambling cryptic messages alluding to self – harm and sucide. I now realise that he is always ‘ off his face’ at these time’s and Uses being away from me and out home as an opportunity to heavily indulge in substance use. I will not hear from him for ages and he will often leave and stay away for days or weeks. It has made me seriously ill with stress, hurt and upset in the past . I have called the police on more than one occasion when he convinced me he was going to OD or kill himself some other way and refused to tell me where he was So I could help him/ rescue him. But I now realise that for my husband it is a pattern of behaviour that is selfish and driven by his need and urge to follow his addiction. I know that in his own way he loves me, but I have realised that until now his addiction and the behaviours that go with it will override his feelings for me as his relationship with the addiction is more powerful than his love for me. I hope and pray that at some point he will choose to try to manage his addiction and behaviour , but I recognise that this is not easy for him , so I have, (with help, support and strength form ‘ Adfam’ and from the family and friends who truly love me )learnt how to focus on not letting his addiction destroy me and my relationship with the other important people in my life.

I am sorry if my reply is rambling and if I sound ‘ hard hearted’. It has taken me years to start to be self protective and learn that I cannot ‘ save him’ . What you are going through is so confusing, painful, disorientating and difficult. You sound like a wonderful caring person who is understandably so worried about her partner and Who has done everything possible to try and understand, love and support him. It is so hard when our love and support is met with rejection and coldness from the Ones we love.

Please,if you can, allow yourself to get through this time by doing things to nurture and look after you. Caring for, loving and constantly worrying about an addicted loved one is so very exhausting and draining. Please, please use the support of this wonderful network. I am generally a strong, confident and bubbly person. But for years I tried to ‘ hide’ the reality of our marriage form others. I became fairly isolated and quite unwell. Without this wonderful support from Adfam and reading the experiences of all the people going through similar, I know I would still be trying to protect and cover up for my husband, and I would not have goind the strength to look after myself. This is the first time I have been on the forum page and find it reassuring that there are so many of us who are caring, loving people -please know you are not on your own.

Sending you lots of strength, love and honest understanding xx

[mo229]

Hi Dxb,

All I can say is thank you so much for this reply, I teared up reading your story and words of encouragement and has made me feel so less alone in all this, and less crazy. Reading what has happened with your husband, there are just so many similarities between his erratic behaviour and my partners. The self pity and the gaslighting in particular, but the majority of the time they are just such wonderful people who don’t deserve to have this illness. And when people see how hurt you are by their actions, its so hard trying to justify why you don’t want to abandon them. I am so so sorry you had to go through so many years of this feeling alone, it’s only from reading through forums and articles this past week, and talking to a couple of counsellors I’ve really just started to get my head around the fact their behaviour is completely selfish and out of our control, but seems quite similar in all addicts. I’ve had multiple conversations in the past with my boyfriend where he’s really opened up about it, and talks about when he does things that are reckless and hurtful to the people that love him (he has broken up with me twice ‘out of the blue’ now), it’s almost like he can’t control it, he just loses the ability to care for anyone else but himself. And because we know it’s not them deep down, it makes it even harder to walk away. He’s almost made me feel like it was our relationship that was the cause to him relapsing which is why now he suddenly can’t be with me, which is stupid but they make you feel like the bad guy somehow. I don’t know whether he’s disappeared to self indulge in his addiction, or for just some space to focus on recovery, but he’s just made me totally disposable.

Like you, I know my partner loves me in his own way, but when the addiction takes grip they only have the capability to love that and there’s no space in their head- from what it seems.

It sounds like you have done absolutely everything you can to be as supporting as you can be towards your husband but having those boundaries, which is so important. And you should be so proud of yourself, your husband is so lucky to have you still by his side.

When I have my low moments during the day, I read this forum and I will re read your reply to just keep reminding myself that I am not alone in this and that I’m surrounded by people who understand my pain- even if on the internet. We are probably the most tolerable and loving kinds of people out there to have put up with the amount of crap we have! I’m sending you so much love and strength back, I don’t know if it’s something you have thought about but I am thinking of maybe getting some counselling to try and shed some light and to try and support me, it might be beneficial for both of us to just have some extra tools and coping mechanisms throughout all of this. Thank you again for your kind words xx

[njd123]

Hi Guys.

I’ve just stumbled on this site and thread at 5am in the morning after reaching the end of my many tethers with my partner of 6 years addiction and it has made me realise how many of the above habits and behaviours he also shows. As I speak I have just awoken to him missing from our bed and home at 3am and I know he will have gone to get cocaine and most likely wont be back for the best part of the day.

For so long I have mentally dealt with this issue alone and chose to hide his addiction from my family and friends which has left me truly alone with no support.

I really don’t know how best to go on anymore.

[mo229]

Hi Njd123, thanks for reaching out, reading this forum has provided me a lot of comfort in the past few weeks, so you’ve made the right step. Obviously the easiest thing that all our friends and family say is to just ‘walk away’ and that we deserve better, but we know the other side of them, the side of them that wouldn’t do anything to hurt us, so I know it’s not just that simple. Tbh if my partner hadn’t have left me, I would have stayed in the situation for years, because I love him so much and want to help him.

The way I’m trying to cope with it is trying to treat it like two different personalities.

Has your partner ever got help? Sometimes it’ll take them years to, and they HAVE to want to do it themselves and be ready to want to change their life, it’s a miserable time. I think eventually you’ll have a lightbulb moment where you decide that this relationship is providing you more misery than happiness, and at that point I hope you have the strength to walk away, I know its harder with kids involved though. Just know you’re not alone and maybe just talk to your partner, ask him what he wants in the future and where he sees himself in 5 years time, so he knows you’re wanting to help him without being defensive. With me, my boyfriend took that choice to walk away from me and even though I’m in a lot of pain right now, deep down I know it’s for the best really, as clearly I’m always going to be competing with drugs and alcohol and I think in the end that will always win

[zen]

Hey. My partner and I have went seperate ways this week after nearly 2 years together and a year of pure turmoil after he relapsed. It’s killed me and I’m a shadow of who I was, I had so much faith in this man I really did but I couldn’t break myself anymore it was detrimental all round it wasn’t even helpful to him anymore. I don’t blame myself I did what I can and it’s broke my heart and no doubt his but cocaine wins and I get the blame as per usual. Nobody can tell anyone what to do only share experiences until you find the power to do what is best for you. But I’m seeing things from a different angle now and it is hard to take in what we become in these situations. You will find your answer when you are ready but don’t go against your gut. X

[mo229]

Hi Zen, you’re exactly right, and I’m trying my hardest to see it from a different angle too. I think I remember reading your story, I don’t know about you but since my partner initially broke up with me he has been stonewalling me and when I decided to stand up for myself he got pretty nasty, told me I needed to go and ‘fix myself’ etc. His behaviour and personality has changed completely out of the blue, I don’t know what he’s doing but I’m presuming he’s decided to go down that path again. I’ve tried to reach out and still tell him I love him and that I’m there for him but I just get ignored. Somehow the more he’s being an arse, the more it’s giving me the strength to move on, like you said the drugs will always win unless they are ready to really commit to kicking the habit. I know I just need to leave him to it and I know I deserve better, it’s just hard when you love the ‘sober’ them and had so much faith in them like you said. Even though it’s incredibly painful now, I think our break ups are probably the best for us long term, for our health, happiness and sanity x

[Author]

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