[bellapop]

So it’s Sunday, and I’m sure that many of you are dealing with the same s..t as I am right now.

Husband is a cocaine addict in denial. I found out 3 years ago and it’s been a constant string of lies and me catching him out.

Last night we invited a few friends and family over to watch the boxing… I nipped out to get some nibbles and came home to him absolutely paralytic at 5pm. I dashed around making the house pretty, dimming the lights, lighting candles setting out snacks…. For our guests and their children to arrive to him out of his mind. Stumbling around.. chewing his face off and big eyed. It’s completely embarrassing!! I went to bed. I can’t handle him like that!!

Then come the lies…. Lies lies lies! So I’m not proud of this… but I ordered some drug tests after him telling me to ‘test me if you don’t believe me.’

Obviously it came up bright as can be this morning for cocaine. Then comes the admitting. I have three kids! I’ve been with this man 12 years and married nearly 4!!

I don’t know actually what to do! I now have nobody to turn to as he was supposedly getting clean and sorted this time. It’s been weeks!!!!

He’s all ‘what can I do? How can I fix this?’

I just can’t anymore!!

[janet111]

I hope your ok I don’t know much about drugs but plenty about alcohol think addicts all have the same pattern they follow I know how hard it is Iv put up with the alcohol for too many years and find it hard to break away he needs to admit he’s got a problem then get help x

[navy]

Hi Bella pop

I know exactly where your coming from.

I’m so gutted for you when they say they going to try and sort themselves out you believe them and support them as best you can.

My husband supposed to be off it but I know he lying to me. I know he took it on his own on Saturday night as when I came down on Sunday morning there was bits of it on the table and floor. I cried my heart out…..

He came down and I was sitting there wondering where do I go from here. We are going away in two weeks!!! He so looking forward to it saying how much this is going to reset him!! He was restless all day Sunday couldn’t spend anytime with me. I bloody knew why!!!

I’m in work today and found out he gambled last night too!! I’m devastated. He rang me as if nothing is wrong.I’m ashamed to say I’ve done nothing about it but it’s making me very Ill.

I just don’t know how to start the conversation without it going to a full blown argument or him saying to me that I’m checking up on him!

Oh bellapop what are we going to do. You have two children too which Is so hard for you It should be easier for me (no children).

I wish there was a magic wand out there for us

Thinking of you

Lots of love

Navy xx

[fayzey]

Hi Navy, sorry to hear about your situation, I know exactly how you feel and sometimes it’s just easier not to bring it up cos you know there will be a big argument and mine would always lie anyway so it was pointless…. I think the lies are the worst bit really as eventually there is no trust left even though you know it’s the addiction making them do it it gets hard to separate the two – I get told he doesn’t like it when I tell him I’m upset or ‘have a go at him’ as he says it doesn’t help – well it might not help him but actually not all about them is it and we’re only human and entitled to be upset when we are treated badly, hope you’re ok and things have settled down a bit xx

[navy]

Hi fayzey

Sorry to hear your going through this too,

Has he tried to give it up or does he say it but doesn’t actually do it, (just pretends) until you find it again.

I’m just sick and tired of him constantly being unwell, it’s either hay fever, sinus infection, upset stomach, cold, pulled muscles, headache, he can’t be in the same room as me. I feel there is always an excuse.

This is not a marriage it’s existing to wash, cook, iron and clean up. That’s how I feel I’m here as a servant to him. I can’t remember the last time he held me, he tells me he loves me, he is always saying sorry. But this feels like lies like he is telling me because that’s what I want to hear!!

I’m so nervous about going away with him as he feels like a stranger.

Sorry for rambling but it’s nice to talk to someone. To get my feelings out.

Thank you for your support and sharing

Take care and hope things improve for you

Lots of love xxx

[navy]

Hi Bella pop

If he wants to come off this drug he has to get professional help and include you in it. You need proof of him if your going to stand by him.

It’s not going to be easy from the posts I’ve read. He will have to stay away from alcohol too.

I wish you all the best and sorry rambling on about my problems.

I hope you get what you deserve the happily ever after.

Stay strong lovely and take care of yourself and your children

Navy xx

[fayzey]

Hi Bellapop, so sorry to hear he has done this again, I was hoping things were going well for you guys, I know that horrible sinking feeling and total anxiety all too well every time you find out they’re back on it.

As for the how can I fix this I’ve had that too and have to say I’ve run out of patience with it – so annoying – there is lots of support out there and hopefully he can get sorted. But the main thing is you and the kids are ok and he’s not thinking of that at the moment, sorry, feeling angry on your behalf! Sending hugs xxx

[purpleheart]

Hello all,

Awh Bella pop I’m gutted for you , it’s so awful the cycle I have no words of advice so sorry – because you have read my previous posts and know I’ve been in that boat too .

Fayzey – hoping things are calm

For you at the moment ?.

And navy sending you a big hug , my heart ached at your last post about how long since he last held you . I completely relate – I can’t remember when mine held me tight genuinely the last time . So long ago I didn’t embrace it enough to keep as a memory xxx

Strength and love to you all xx

[fayzey]

So sorry Navy it is just the worst situation isn’t it when they are with you but not really there, I miss the ‘real’ him I wish I could have him back and a guarantee of no more drugs xx do you think he will get help? I hope you are managing to look after yourself and have someone to talk to??

Hi purpleheart – how are things with you? Hopefully not too stressful at the moment? Mine is still not here, he has had a couple of crazy binges since leaving for over a week at a time non stop, suicidal messages, paranoia etc, it’s been horrendous, currently seems ok and I have said he needs to get help himself and not rely on me to sort things (take him back, take his bank card etc been there before) which isn’t what he wants to hear but seems to be getting used to the idea and I think it’s best for him in the long run although I do still feel really guilty for not letting him come back. We are trying to get him into a detox/rehab thing but there’s a waiting list. He’s saying the right things but I find myself taking everything he says with a pinch of salt now so only time will tell…..depressing isn’t it but have to keep positive for the kids and my own sanity!

Good to hear from you xx

[navy]

Hi fayzey

I’m so gutted about your situation he’s a plank I do hope he gets into rehab asap for you and that he wants to do it, he has to believe in himself too. I totally agree with you for feeling apprehensive with him and well done on you for still being there your one strong lady ????????

I’m doing ok apart from slight pains in my chest think it’s nerves when I’m due to get home.

You are the only people I talk to regularly I have been into Samaritans when we have rowed and talk to frank. Otherwise I’m on my own, I’m even lying to my family to protect him. It hurts.

I’ve been to the gym today as it’s my day off and really enjoyed it. Good endorphins running around my body. Made me feel good.

I found that stuff on my kitchen floor, yep I’ve become paranoid about it, I know what it looks like, tastes like and smells like!!!

I’ve spent my day in a blur he was working so I sat in the kitchen quietly until he finished then made food, he was talking about how much stress he is under how nobody understands he has to explain everything (he the bloody boss) I was angry but kept quiet. He didn’t eat his food said he was feeling sick!!! Too much stress

He told me he knows how upset Iam with him and he doesn’t think he will make this holiday he will be dead!! Nice thing to say, so I said do you want to cancel it, he says you don’t want to go with me (correct) but I didn’t say that I told him I’m so scared that your going to have anxiety attack and how am I going to cope. He got upset and yet again couldn’t talk to me and went up to his room.

I just want to scream at him and tell him to give up the drugs and your health will be better the anxiety attacks will stop and you wont have high blood pressure because your doing this to yourself that’s why your so bloody unwell aasrrrggghhh. (Sorry) but feels good to get that off my chest.

Thank you for all being here

Love to you all

XXX

[purpleheart]

Hey Fayzey . Am ok but big changes here .. we went on our family holiday , he craved through most of it non stop smoking and drinking as couldn’t get his hands on that junk . The day after we flew home he said he was nipping out for an hour or so and disappeared for 3 days binging , no contact nothing , when I finally heard from him – or I found him binging with one of his other coke idiot friends I told him this was it. And it is, our family home is up for sale , and I plan to start divorce proceedings in the not too distant future . I have a rented house lined up to go to with the children and home life with just us is calmer. But he’s still on his merry go round from hell , uses , isolates, hates ( esp me when high) comes off, crashes, cries, remorse, tries yo get clean can’t hack it and so does it all again – you know that script Fayzey.

Mine has also referred to rehab but he is only telling everyone around what they want to hear . Right now there’s no way he’s anywhere near recovery . I feel like i have deserted him if some ways- like I wonder ..did I love enough rather than just coped and fumed , but I think I’ve done all I could . Such a bad mental battle for us partners isn’t it – I will always have “ what ifs” I think .

I really hope yours is serious and it’s the first step for him . Do you think there’s a chance for you both if he shows he could be in recovery ?, hoping it works out for you but mainly hope you get your happy whichever way it goes xx

[navy]

Oh purple heart

My heart goes out to you,

Your doing the right thing, you can’t keep going like this not knowing where he is, what he’s doing how long he is going to be. You must have been in turmoil so many times, how have you coped?

It must be awful to see the family home go up for sale, but your doing the right thing for your children.

Do you actually think he will do rehab now that you have put the wheels in motion of moving out and telling him about divorce or do you think he will relapse again as he won’t be able to hack it, as it’s just words.

I think the only reason I’m still here is the thought of holidays and him not being able to get his hands on any and after 3 weeks away he will be able to be clean or am I just kidding myself!

Do I try at least then I know if I come back to him back on it that the drug has won and my bags will be packed as I know I can’t live like this.

I wish you all the best and remember you have done everything possible for him it’s now time to put yourself and your children first. Good luck, stay strong and true to yourself.

Lots of love ???? xx

[fayzey]

Hi Purpleheart, oh no so sorry to hear all of that and we’ve had a few holidays like that where he’s been miserable and moody the whole time too – they don’t realise the impact they are having on everyone around them. Such a sad situation but pleased for you that you are making a break, it’s never-ending otherwise and at least you will have a calm environment for you and the kids – the way umm looking at it is if he does manage to stop long term (he’s been clean for months at a time before so would need to be much longer before I would be confident) then he can be part of the family and coke on holidays and come over regularly and maybe stay sometimes but I just can’t see ever wanting to live together again as I feel it’s too much of a risk for me and mainly the kids…. I can’t have our happiness all dependent on whether he has the willpower to stay off it, especially when he has never ever come clean and told me about it, I’ve always had to work it out….

I hope the process of selling and moving isn’t too awful for you and you can enjoy your fresh start xxx

[bellapop]

Hello all ❤️ It awful to say but I’m happy to hear from you all, I hate this situation we’re all in.

Thank you all for the kind words, it means a lot from you guys… especially as nobody else gets it.

Honestly? I feel like I’m living in a weird dream… not a good one. I’ve gone manic with cleaning and organising everything.. throwing things out and just focusing on the kids and doggo. He’s upset, says he’s never drinking again… says he’s going for help. I actually caught him on a zoom yesterday with CA, just listening in to what they had to say. It’s a start… he’s emailed some places, starting playing football again and is saying everything right. It’s just… I feel numb. And sad, and relieved? Strangely.

It’s great to hear from you all, how are you all? Xxx

[navy]

Hi Bellapop

I know that feeling of numbness as you want to believe but also scared of being hurt again, it’s good that he been onto CA, I hope it works out, if your like me I want to know what they say, what the steps are, I’d need to understand so that I could support. I’m praying for you and your family.

My husband shut me out never spoke about it, (that was because he never did it) im so glad you heard him on zoom at least he is making a start, and playing football that will get the good endorphins and serotonin running through his body.

Let us know know how things are going.

Lots of love

Navy xx

[fayzey]

That sounds like a good sign that he’s logging on to CA – he obviously knows he has a problem so definitely a positive although as we all know that doesn’t mean they can actually stop! I hope this weekend goes well do you and he sticks to it, I’m on a family holiday without him as didn’t want someone on a big come down being moody and tired, it’s weird without him and I keep getting emotional but then I remember the reality of what it would be like and feel a bit better xxx

[bellapop]

I’m sorry I’ve been quiet… life, you know how it is. How are you all doing?

Mine has been absolutely t total.. not a drop of alcohol or drugs. But BOY is he miserable. He’s actually impossible to be around.. snapping, causing arguments, shouting, slamming doors and even sleeping on the sofa.

I don’t know if I can do this anymore… it’s like something has switched in him, he’s literally awful. Do you girls know why this may be?

I hope you’re all okay? Xxxx

[purpleheart]

Hey Bella,

I’m sorry your having to put up with this Jekyll and Hyde character yet again 🙁 are you sure he’s clean ? Have you tested him ? ( don’t mean to be negative about his successes if they are for real).

Am ok ish still living at the circus here , but things are progressing – I’m defo leaving this all behind. Sending love and a big hug xxx

Sorry I’ve been quiet – like I said the circus is here at mine. Hope the rest of you girls are ok – will log on and update properly when I can . Sending strength to you warrior women xx

[purpleheart]

Hey Bella,

I’m sorry your having to put up with this Jekyll and Hyde character yet again 🙁 are you sure he’s clean ? Have you tested him ? ( don’t mean to be negative about his successes if they are for real).

Am ok ish still living at the circus here , but things are progressing – I’m defo leaving this all behind. Sending love and a big hug xxx

Sorry I’ve been quiet – like I said the circus is here at mine. Hope the rest of you girls are ok – will log on and update properly when I can . Sending strength to you warrior women xx

[vivvief]

Purpleheart, I am so glad that you are making the changes for yourself, you have not deserted him and you did love him, just not the drug addict part. I have discovered that they have to decide to get clean and mean it, not just trying to say what people want to hear. My brother went into rehab several times, I am sure they are good for some. but not for him, he always absconded and met a lot more addicts in there who became friends! To stop an addiction is not just about stopping the substance, that just leaves a big hole, they have to find something to replace it. With AA it is the twelve steps, I am not sure if it is similar for drug addicts? I hope that things improve for you and your children xx

Bella pop. feel for you so much, you probably know inside what you should do, just look after yourself. I discovered that I was not really helping my brother, just constantly bailing him out or rescuing him, when he had to learn to do it himself, and he never has. So I am still struggling with wether my helping him all these years actually did more harm than good because he has never learned to look after himself and feel proud of it.

[fayzey]

Hi Bellapop, so sorry he is acting like this, know exactly what it’s like – it’s awful having an atmosphere like that at home. I was thinking the same as purpleheart – are you sure he hasn’t been secretly either drinking or on the coke?? When I tested I found he was pretty much constantly positive despite denying doing anything and also subsequently found lots of empty bottles hidden away. Either way though it’s not acceptable to make your life a misery like this. Sending hugs and hoping he gets his act together…

Hope things are going ok purpleheart – I guess it will be a long process for you but sure it will be worth it in the end when you can have some peace

Hi Vivvie, totally agree with everything you said about it needing to come from them – waiting for my partner (or maybe ex who knows) to manage to do that. It’s hard not to help someone and I guess a lot harder when it’s your family so I wouldn’t beat yourself up over helping your brother – it’s human nature at the end of the day and we can only do our best

Xx

[purpleheart]

Hi everyone , I wanted to come on and check in and see how you girls are ?, I hope life is calm and you are all doing ok in the circumstances you are in .

it’s been a year next week  since I left my OH and 6 months since the family home went and  I read back my previous posts and I find comfort in them desperate early posts I wrote .. what a different place I am now in .

be lovely to hear from any of you . Take care xx

[Author]

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