[eml1820]

Hi all,

I have been with my boyfriend for two years, we bought a house last year. I was aware that my partner used to take drugs (mostly cocaine) when we were younger on nights out. He went through a tragic event several years ago and it sent him off the rails. However, he seemed to be a lot better and eventually got with me a few years later.

We were very happy together! He started a new job, we moved into our new home, everything was falling in place! Little did I know, he started turning to “cocaine” a couple of months ago. I noticed a massive change in his behaviour but could never put my finger on what was the problem. A few months later, all the sneakiness etc came out…he had been taking cocaine for months, hadn’t been going to work occasionally (when I thought he had), getting himself into debt. His family where aware of the situation but no one ever told me.

I remember being so heart broken and upset that my life had shattered. This was the man I wanted to marry, have children with etc. He completely broke down.

A few weeks later, he came to visit me (he was living with family at this point) and told me he was going to turn his life around. He said he completely lost his way and struggled to deal with daily stress, work, bills etc and that he loved me deeply. We are now friends.

He is now in a drug and alcohol programme and is touching on 60 days clean. He is making good progress and I have recently been to visit him. We aren’t together at the moment but have said we never know what the future holds, whether we remain friends or get back into a relationship.

On the other hand, I am struggling with his family, I don’t think they want us together as they feel that I make him worse and always ask me why didn’t I notice the whole addiction etc. They no longer speak to me. I had to adapt to living on my own and juggling a mortgage etc with no support. I felt completely alone.

I am now doing a lot better in myself and talking to people a lot more. Silly of me to say, but I still have feelings for my ex, we chat a lot and support each other where we can. He is very understanding and has said the ball is completely in my court.

My ex and I arranged to meet for the first time a few weeks, he asked his family to not be there, however, they arrived anyway.

I need advice on whether to walk away from the situation for easiness or continue to meet and speak to my ex?

[rani123]

He is trying to make a change so I think you should give him a chance

[eml1820]

Thank you for taking the time to read my story and for replying to me

[huddle]

If you feel you do have a future with this man then go for it but I would advise you to take things slowly. Sadly he will need to ‘prove’ to you that he has turned his life around but, as much I am sure you love him, it will take time for him to regain your trust. His family are being a little unfair. I was unaware of the level my son had sank to with his drug taking. Addicts are particularly clever in hiding their addiction and lies, deceit and camouflage become an easy exercise as the addiction takes a grip. Addicts always hurt the ones they love. I wish you both every happiness for the future. X

[eml1820]

Thank you for replying to me, I completely agree with you. It will be at a very slow pace and I am still very wary. We are just taking it slowly and supporting each other at the moment. His family have been very difficult and they often ignore me in the street. I’m sorry to hear you have been through this with your son. They are definitely great at hiding things too. Thank you so much, I hope your son turns his life around too. I wish you all the happiness also, take care x

[trainer28]

Hi,

I am sorry you are in this very confusing situation. On the one hand, it is great that his family are involved with him and his recovery, on the other hand, I couldn’t deal with that much interference.

As a person who has children and a whole life with an addict, my biased opinion would be to walk away now whilst it’s just you who has been hurt. Unfortunately it is harder to walk away once you have children with someone. One of the major issues is worrying about the children when they’re with the addict and you’re not there.

I do believe in second chances and that people can change but in your case where you are completely free, I would walk away for your own sanity.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do x

[eml1820]

Thank you for getting back to me. I’m sorry to hear you have been through something similar too. It isn’t a nice situation for anyone to go through and I completely understand how hard it must have been with children. I’m just taking it a day at a time, I’m not sure what the future holds but at the moment we just are friends x

[trainer28]

I wish you both the best x

[icarus-trust]

Hi there,

I can see that you have some very hard decisions to make about the way ahead. I’m glad that you are getting support from the blog, but if you would like more help you may want to contact us at The Icarus Trust.

We are a charity that provides support for people going through what you are, trying to live with the impact of a loved one’s addiction.

We have trained and experienced people you could talk with that might help you if you get in touch, and we can also let you know what other help is available in your area.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Wishing you all the best.

[quetalkim]

His family sound so in denial. Like it is your fault. I am 4 years in with a heroin and crack addict. I’ve tried to split up with him so many times but he charms his way back in with false promises. I cannot wait to be in your situation soon – FREE. Please listen to your body. It’s stress free. You can sleep at night. You don’t have his mental health, depth and depression affecting your health. Please give me an update if you can.

[daisy12]

He’s making a real change and not many people do so I’d say give him a chance but make sure you set boundaries and keep well yourself!

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