[Lottier]

My husband has recently returned from his 2nd time in rehab, and even now he is clean things haven’t really got any better.

I have kind of lost myself and put my life on hold the last few years, I have said no to so many trips or nights out with family or friends as knew what I’d come back to, and when he was on drugs I was scared something would happen to him,  he’s quite controlling and jealous, he says he isn’t but if I do go anywhere I get silent treatment for weeks and snide comments, his ring comes off and he says to expect my divorce papers in the post, usually after a bit he starts acting like nothing happened.

while he was away in rehab for 4 weeks I had my best friends 40th, he didn’t want a visit but then decided he did on the day of the birthday, it wasn’t even a day he was aloud a visit but I got accused of neglecting him, putting my friend first and not supporting him, he calmed a bit and I messaged and rang throughout the day (think he just wanted to check I wasn’t up to anything which I obvs never would or have, so don’t know why he’s got such little trust in me) but the next day he decided that was it, 3 weeks I didn’t have any contact but then got a hello message like nothing had happened, he came back things were ok but was a bit like treading on eggshells

I got invited to a meal out a couple of weeks after he got back, and although I had concerns what he’d be like I almost wanted to see if he’d changed so I went

He was quiet the next day but we went out for the day so I thought it would be ok, it wasn’t he snapped that night said I was just creeping up to him and fact I held his hand when we were out was just weird and I grossed him out, since then I have had  6 weeks of silence, he just locks himself in his room, (I’m in the spare room)  buys his own food cooks his own food, washes his own clothes, he talks to the children in an overly happy way then disappears, he wants me and the children to move out but we are kind of in limbo, he won’t talk to me, as is sick of my controlling nature and abuse ????‍♀️, and records any (which is rare) interactions we have which is very odd. I  waited and begged for years for him to get help and now he has it seems to be at our detriment, the help he says they gave him was to say me and the the family was why he took drugs to help deal with us, the problems, if he removes us from his life he will be a better person and stay clean

we did have a lovely life before he started taking drugs but I don’t know any more, I’ve waited years for him to be clean, I know his mental health isn’t great and worry he’s pushing us away as he can’t cope, I do still love him and couldn’t live with myself if I left and he did something but I can’t keep being punished, or putting the kids through this.

has anyone else had problems with a spouse returning from rehab?

[Lozzy80]

Hi Lottier

Sounds really tough. I’ve not come out the other end yet with my husband , and foolishly I have hope every time he manages to stay clean for a couple of weeks , but really it’s only usually because he’s ran out of all options for borrowing  /lying etc to get more funds

When he is in these more sober moments he goes through all sorts of emotions, a temporary happiness (which I am questioning is fake ) so of course I get sucked back in ,   then there will be a sudden out burst anger and very nasty and manipulative, which I am thinking is perhaps the more real him.

Do you think your staying in hope the old him returns? Sorry to say it doesn’t seem much of a life , for both of us, always putting their needs first and even when we do , get treated like crap.

Is there any way you can reach out for support – family , counselling , GP ? Time to put yourself first… Spend time with your friends , laugh again and be you .. when you are well and happy you will get a better perspective and will realise you don’t need him around bringing you down anymore…he sounds very insecure and controlling and deep down perhaps knows once you do reach this point, you will leave.

Sending strength xx

 

[Lottier]

hi lozzy

thank you for your reply and yes your experiences sound so similar to mine.  I think we are just wasting our lives to be honest, they are never going to change, I’ve asked the question on these groups and seen replies to many other threads it seems some couples are able to live a happy life after addiction, which I had hoped but it seems very few

I know in my heart separation is definitely happening this time, I’ve got a car and am looking for a job (I worked for him and his companies have gone into administration) so am slowly trying to rebuild, his behaviour has now got worse as he has less and less control so things are going to get worse before they get better I sadly think, examples from this week I need to get off chest

he has hidden lots of our keys, i can get in the main house but can not go in the garage, (where the Christmas decorations are so am not able to put them up for the kids, if nothing else) go in our postbox, or shed, today all my clothes, shoes and bags have been chucked in my daughters room and he has locked the master bedroom (I wasn’t sleeping in there just showering and dressing)

i have also returned home today after a message saying he didn’t want me to be shocked as he’d had to sell some non essential items to pay some bills, any paintings, mirrors, photo’s, clocks, plants etc are all gone even the log basket ????‍♀️ they aren’t huge money items (tvs etc still there) so I feel it’s just to hurt me as it’s silly personal homely stuff, it does upset me but I keep thinking he won’t be able to do this soon

Again  thank you so so much for your message I’m sorry I’ve gone on again it’s been a bad day, I have spoken to my family and friends today which I wouldn’t tend to do, they are giving me strength, I do hope you are able to move on too soon and get the life you deserve too

Take care x

[Lottier]

Is anyone who has been in rehab or recovered able to give me any advice please?
my husband has come back with such hate towards me, which seems to get worse daily.

Im so tired trying to keep life normal for the children, but feel so sad and alone,

Ive put my life on hold for years as was too embarrassed to tell anyone he had a drug problem and was hoping he’d get better, I now feel like I’m being punished and I don’t know why.

He’s removed himself from the family, although he’s still in the home, he locks himself in his room and does own shopping cooking etc, when I do see him he just says things to bring me down, eg getting rid of our dogs is todays thing

He then gets very dressed up (as in shirt smart jacket)  goes out for the day, wishing our daughter a joyous day as he leaves, with a big smile on his face

he does look well but his behaviour is odd, I’ve lost a stone and look awful, I cry on and off for no reason, just seeing couples in the supermarket, mum and dads on a kids show it’s really pathetic

[navy]

Hi lottier

im so sorry, this sounds awful. My OH is in rehab only the past two weeks, he really wants this and tells me how much he loves me, adores me and never wants to hurt me. He is very remorseful. However I don’t feel he is committed just a gut feeling. I’m trying so hard to forgive him but my head tells me to be careful.

 

Oh lottier I feel so much for you and your children this must be so hard especially with Christmas just around the corner, I hope and pray you get through Christmas and then decide what you need to do for the best your children need stability and a strong mum.

keep reaching out on here for support.

sending you lots of love, hugs and support through this site

navy xxx

[Lottier]

Hi navy

Thank you for your reply, I’m pleased  your husband has gone to rehab, sounds like he’s trying for you which is amazing, hope he continues to make progress.

It is hard at this time of year I’m trying to be ok for the children, and they seem happy, I think I put on a really good brave face but means my friends and family think I’m doing ok, I can let my mask slip on this forum so sorry but thank you

same to you and anyone else going through this xx

[Lozzy80]

Lottier

I’m so sorry to hear things are getting worse for you. Why are they so mean ???? Im sure it’s emotional abuse ???? sounds like he is very very controlling. How dare he decide alone to get rid of your dogs hope you have managed to keep them .. he must know he’s actions will really hurt you.

Is he getting the house ready for sale – the decluttering and vanishing personal touches… And the dogs ….just sounds like he is running away from his life and responsibilities… If that’s what rehab is about then I call bull shit ..  it should teach you to become a better person and communicator …not treat your loved ones who have stood by you like crap

I’m devastated for you ????  try and get him out of your mind now and focus on you and your happiness …the more difficult he tries and make it try and fight back….be more determined! Don’t let him see you upset or bothered…for now focus on getting out, with your mental health still in tact xx

 

[Lottier]

I really don’t understand it at all, he just seems to think of ways to upset us, the dogs are still here I’m hoping it was just a nasty threat.

he used to let them out in the morning but now just takes pics of the time and fact I’ve not let them out, and if they mess in the house and I haven’t cleaned it (does sound gross but I could literally pop upstairs and my dog will go inside if he can’t see anyone to let him out even if he’s just come in ????‍♀️) like I’m neglecting them and a bad mum, it’s exhausting as so silly, even his cooking and not tidying up and his rubbish on the side just annoys me as I feel like it’s just disrespectful but not worth saying anything as he knows he’s got to me

the house is on the market as we were going to release some equity, but he said he’s now going to rent it out, I can’t stay as I won’t be able to afford the mortgage, which is true

he had a successful business before drugs but this has now gone so everything is going.

I just need Christmas over and to get out with the children, think it will get worse before it gets better sadly

I hope things are a bit better for you, i think it’s a hard time of year for them so prob has a knock on effect to us all too xx

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