[smk97]

Hello, just looking for some advice 🙂 I am a big sister who has 4 younger siblings. As children we didn’t have it the easiest and grew up with emotionally and physically abusive parents who are still present in our lives because some of my siblings are still of school age and live with them. I myself am in my early 20s and I am really starting to see the effects our childhood is having on us all.

I have been very lucky and have got myself out of the family home, went to university, have a good job and am in a very healthy relationship. My other siblings have not been so lucky, particularly my brother who is a year younger than me. He was kicked out of the family home and both my parents have more or less turned their back on him. The only people he has in his life are me and my other siblings. His mental health was already suffering from our traumatic upbringing but he now also has PTSD from his time in the armed forces and his mental health took an even bigger turn for the worse when he was kicked out.

He now lives alone and has developed a dependency on drugs and alcohol. My other sister and I and my partner have given him lots of help in terms of money, food and finding him emotional support. He knows he has a problem and has received some forms of help through an army therapist and through his local GP. I also managed to get him to get in touch with an alcohol help agency. This is all great when he is having a ‘good week’ but then the next he spirals into a drug and alcohol binge where he can be verbally abusive, demands money and gets himself into debt with other drug users.He never lasts with therapy or any kind of emotional help as I have sadly came to realise, he just doesn’t want to engage, probably because he is not ready to. He already has two criminal convictions and some days I can only ever see a bad ending for him; either prison or death.

I feel like I have tried everything. I have had hours of phone calls and conversations trying to get to the bottom of his issues. I have tried to convince him of the benefits of therapy and have explained that what happened to him as a child is not his fault he just needs to try and deal with his trauma in more healthy ways. I know he uses alcohol and drugs as a way to deal with his poor mental health and so does he. It just feels like talking to a brick wall sometimes because he listens and does well for a few days and then goes back to the booze and drugs.

I don’t blame him, I know that Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) basically predict that we should all be addicts with numerous health issues. Our other brother is following a similar path. I know our upbringing and the other traumas he faced are not his fault but I also believe in facing up to the fact that this is what we were given in life and as much as we can recognise that we were victims we also need to take responsibility for our actions as adults.

I guess what I’m trying to ask is, is there any way in which I can actually help him? At the minute my sister and I have now stopped giving him money because he spends it on drugs/booze. I have told him that I am happy to speak with him about his mental health and other issues when there are no drink and drugs involved but that he can’t be contacting me when he is intoxicated because he is verbally abusive. I hate the idea of this ‘cruel to be kind’ approach but I feel as though I have given him so much love and support for so long and nothing seems to be working. We don’t really have any other adults to turn to because our parents don’t care and have pretty much washed their hands of him. Does he just need to realise for himself that he needs to get help or is there anyway that I can help him? I desperately want to believe that he will be okay one day and that this won’t all end horribly 🙁

[bt1978]

Hi SMK

Lots of my posts have been removed lately asnim not suppose to talk about myself apparently so all I can day is your brother had a similar background to me, and also seems to be in a spot I was.

Addiction stems from many different things and also manifests itself in many different ways – for some people its drugs, alcohol others gambling, sex, spending, eating – it can be anything really.

Additionally he has the PTSD which is going to make things even more complicated for him as that isnt an easy thing to live with at all.

You cant help him unfortunately, but the good news is that if he is ready to get help there is a ton out there you just have to be ready and willing.

A good start is a chat with a GP as addiction is physical and mental and we end up doing all sorts to our health.

He could also speak to a drug counsellor – lots if them operate by zoom or Skype right now.

He can also use AA or NA meetings which will be full of people with similar issues, backgrounds etc. They are also on zoom and he could sit in and observe and see if its helpful in any way at all and perhaps focus on similarities not differences? It’s free, anonymous and very supportive. There are meetings 247 as well all he needs is a zoom account

[smk97]

Thank you so much for your reply! I think you’re right, he just needs to be willing to get the help that he needs so hopefully that isn’t too far in the future. It’s good to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation and that there is light at the end of the tunnel! And thank you for all of the helpful suggestions, it’s good to know there is so much help put there. This has given me a more positive outlook on the current situation 🙂

[bt1978]

No worries, part of me getting better is trying to help others though its limited because of the pandemic and often I repeat my advice, I do believe it to be true though!

People end up in active addiction for many reasons. Some people even have very good upbringing in wealthy homes but still end up in trouble. The best thing to do for now is focus on what you can do right now, today and take it a day at a time. He clearly has alot of stuff going on so just take it easy, baby steps and he will get there if he does the right things.

I promise it’s possible to recover. I have seen it

I do know one thing is that I am yet to see a real full blown addict get better without some type of support. He’s lucky to have you looking out for him

[smk97]

This has made me so much more optimistic! Like you say, I will just have to take it day by day and believe that he will get better. Thanks again 🙂

[bt1978]

Keep us updated in here and I wish him good luck

[smk97]

I will do, thank you so much! 🙂

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