[tc96]

Hi all, I am 24 y/o. I live at home with my parents and my Mum is an alcoholic with depression and in a terrible state of health/lifestyle habits. A vicious circle basically. I don’t know how much longer I can keep putting up with it as she ignored pretty much any help or starts crying about it and also doesn’t want to change, basically she has given up and just lives the same depressing life day in, day out.

Basically, my home life isn’t the greatest, certainly not the worst but definitely could be better. I don’t have a very good relationship anymore with my Mum in particular. She is an alcoholic. And from what I can remember, always has been but her health and lifestyle has gotten worse over the years because of it. She is also very depressed and has a slipped disc in her back (or two?) and has Polyneuropathy (nerver damage. I think its because of the drinking over the years, but she says otherwise). My Dad is a good man, very hard working. My Mum doesn’t work, and hasn’t done for years. She gets some form of disability money due to her health/condition/lifestyle. My Dad has put up with this for years and hasn’t really done anything to put a stop to any of it. My Mum doesn’t leave the house, so it’s always my Dad who goes to the shops for her and buys her drink, cigarettes etc (extremely disgusting and unhealthy habits, especially as a combo). He puts up with it all for an easy life even though he knows its wrong and what she is doing/how she is living is wrong. He reckons if he stopped buying her drink she would try and harm herself by taking all her medication and trying to something stupid. In my opinion this is very wrong, I have tried telling him this for years but he doesn’t do anything about it, even though deep down he knows I am right. My Mum being the way she is has caused many an upset/argument in the family. I used to let it bother me for years, so did my sister. Until we accepted that thats the way its going to be for the rest of our/my mums life. As well as drinking snd smoking all day, she is taking medication too. Pain killers, anti depressants and god knows what else. Call me cold hearted, but I gave up having any sympathy for her long ago. How can you have sympathy for someone who continually lives the same boring, unhealthy life every single day? She complains about being depressed, yet drinks alcohol all day (which is a depressant) and takes anti depressants throughout the day and moans about them not working or her mood not getting any better. It honestly baffles me. She doesn’t want to better her life, she is so stuck in a rut. It’s like she’s just accepted thats the way it’s going to be. Even though she is my Mum, I have little to no respect for her. I know that is harsh but it is the truth. It’s hard to respect someone who lives like that and has no respect for themselves or takes into consideration how she lives/what she does, makes us all feel.

Sometimes I go a whole day without speaking to my Mum. I just don’t have anything to say to her to be honest and I just stay away from her quite a lot. She sits alone in her room all day with the Dog watching TV, drinking & smoking. Her health is honestly a joke and it’s massively down to how she has been treating her body over the years, it’s taken/took its toll. She is early to mid 50’s but you would think she was an OAP with how she struggles to walk and is always in pain. But she doesn’t do anything to help herself at all. She doesn’t eat properly, continues drinking and smoking. When she first wakes up in the morning she is completely normal but then when I come home from work/after tea time-ish, she is like totally different person, particularly at night, completely spaced out. A combination of the medication and drink. It makes me angry and annoyed seeing her like that so that’s why I don’t speak to her or look in her direction when I leave my room. It’s effected me mentally quite a lot. I feel I get annoyed/angry easily and at the smallest things and I believe its a massive part down to how I feel day in day out about my Mum etc, if you get me? It still annoys me but I don’t let it bother me as much as it used to. There’s literally nothing anyone in the house can do about it. She needs professional help but refuses to get it! She’s been to the doctors over the years about and even been in hospital. I have a feeling she 100% isn’t truthful with the doctor about her lifestyle/habits. My Dad has put up with this for years and I don’t know how. I think he enjoys going to his work to get away from it all because he would crack up. My Dad isn’t a drinker, never has been. Just a smoker, but I don’t mind that. He’s pretty fit and healthy for being mid 50’s and his job has kept him in good nick (he’s a landscaper/builder/groundworker).

I don’t let any of my pals round to mines, I’m too embarrassed due to my Mum. This is why I always at my Girlfriends. I used to use her house as an escape from all of this a couple of years ago, which was wrong and she rightly pointed that out. I was always reluctant to bring her to mines, even though she knew the situation and I know she wouldn’t judge me/my mum. Whenever she did come to mines I had to make sure the house was gonna be clean, my Mum was gonna be presentable etc. It was never just a cause of being able to bring her to mines whenever I wanted because I dunno how the house was gonna be or what the state of my Mum was gonna be like. I could always trust my Dad to be fine, he’s opposite to my Mum to be honest. Always chats away to people, presentable, people person etc. For the record my Mum and Dad liked my partner and she liked them both too. They would always talk away whenever she came to mines (which again, wasn’t often). I was always kinda embarrassed about the house smelling of smoke as well which is another reason I hated bringing her to mines. It’s such a dirty, unclean smell. You have no idea the lengths I do to try and keep it out my room and off my clothes. It makes me sick! My sister doesn’t stay here anymore, she stays at her partners. But the amount of times she has fell out with my Mum over the years and the resentment she has had towards her because of the situation is unbelievable. I could never understand why this would happen when I was younger. It wasn’t until I was about 16/17 I started realising everything and properly seeing it all. I truly believe it has damaged me mentally, I think living here in these circumstances would drive anyone mental to be honest with you. I don’t even think my Grandparents knew what it was like behind closed doors here/how bad my mums drinks and lifestyle was. I think she hid the seriousness of it from them/lied to them. Literally no one else in my family apart from us know what my Mum is like, or the extent of it.

Onto how if effected me/my relationship at times then. As I said, sometimes I would use my partners house as a way of escaping from all of this. Out of sight, out of mind kinda thing. Which was wrong and very unfair on her and her Dad. I didn’t always speak to her about my home life/my Mum as much as she would tell me about her family stuff, which is something she couldn’t really understand or wasn’t happy about (as in she’s being 100% open and honest about her family life, but I wasn’t because I hated speaking about it). Of course she knew/knows about my Mum being a drinking and living the life she does but sometimes I would be in my partners company and be in a mood for no reason but it was probably down to things at home but I didn’t really talk about it to her which was annoying and frustrating for her, as if it was her she would he open and honest with me about it and tell me. I have always been quite bad at opening up and saying how I feel. I think its a natural guy thing? But of course I have learnt over the years and more so now to communicate mode and speak about things. I knew everything about my partners home/personal life but she didn’t know as much about mine and she always used to say “you don’t talk to me about it enough” “you dont tell me” etc. I just hated talking about it, when I talk about that topic in particular I get more annoyed about it as I get further on with the conversation. I always tried to be open with her about it but I just hated bringing it up and speaking about it. I always used to try and just block it out, which is not healthy to do because that will drive you insane. And me trying to block it out would sometimes leave me being in a sh*tty mood around her and she knew why but I wouldn’t always explain why/talk about it. That was another thing she said on Saturday actually, that I didn’t speak enough to her about my family/home/mum stuff. She felt she didn’t know enough about it because “you wouldn’t tell me.” She also mentioned that she used to think “Is Tony (me) a robot?” In terms of how I would keep it to myself and try not let it bother me, or make out it didn’t bother me as much as it did. And she said she also sometimes questioned herself as in to say “is it me? Am I doing enough?” Etc. I think it was a mixture of not wanting to bring it up into so much detail and also, that I didnt know how to speak about it/didn’t want to. Sometimes I would think that if I bring it up I’m creating more problems for her, which is untrue and probably sounds silly.

So yeah, thats a bit about my home life and how it effected me and my relationship at times. I try not let it bother me, I keep myself busy and distracted with things and I actually think not speaking to my Mum does help me in a way. If I speak to her or look in her direction at times, I feel annoyance/anger and sometimes disgust. It doesn’t even feel like my Mum these days, she’s changed so much and for the worst. She tends to use excuses for her drinking/habits “I miss my Mum” etc (her mum is my granny who passes away a couple of years ago). But people who have addictions always tend to make an excuse for having a reason to do it. Don’t they?

Let me know your thoughts guys and any advice would be very welcomed. It’s not just a case of “you need to get your Mum help” etc, I know this. I know she needs some for of rehab, but there is no way she will do it or agree to it, this is where the problem lies. She has basically given up. As I said some of it might seem harsh but I am sick of it and I am not a cold hearted or nasty person because of it. Everyone has a point they reach when they can’t do it anymore or can’t feel sorry for someone anymore and I reached that point a while ago and just live my life without letting it get me down as much. I have had to accept thats the way its probably always going to be and there’s nothing I or anyone can really do. You mention something to her about wanting to get help she just starts crying and goes in a horrible mood/doesn’t speak to you for days on end.

Thanks for taking time to read my situation. Any help on either to help her in whatever way possible and myself, mentally and how to live/deal with this better would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you,

TC96

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