[pennyloo]

About 8 months ago now, my brother got caught cheating on his girlfriend and was forced to move home with my mum and myself. For context, I am a 25 year old student on an intense medical university course which involves a lot of early hour mornings and driving for work placements in order to qualify. My brother is 35, had a rough childhood, always put on a brave face as he is the oldest of 3 siblings. When my brother moved back home he was not taking good care of himself and seemed every erratic and drank alot. At the time me and my mum thought we was going through a break up phase but slowly in time he started going out late at night, drinking bottles of rum and then making up an emergency situation that he ‘needed’ to drive to help someone. We begged him not to but time and time again he would go. We realised slowly that he was taking cocaine as well as drinking but he never once let on and always denied any involvement in that. He started to have a couple breakdowns insisting that he had bugs in his room or that bugs had a vendetta against him. He would play big repellent videos on YouTube off his tv and even purchased plug in bug repellers. He would pour tea tree and lavender everywhere but told us it was to help him sleep, I had a Google and realised people suggested it for bed bugs so I believe that was the real reason. About a month ago he woke us up in the night screaming that something was trying to hold him down and open his mouth. He was scared it was going to kill him, he could feel it around his neck and saw doors open and things move that didn’t. He had taken drugs that night and when he finally calmed down he was open and said he’s been doing it but he needs to stop and that he will. After that he was doing well for about a week, he said he didn’t need help and that he won’t do it again. But he is still having days off work in his room, leaving bathroom taps on full blast and waking us up in the night saying there is someone in his room. I keep telling him he needs to ring the doctors and get help because I’m finding it very hard to sleep and all I can think about is him and am I going to be woken up tonight or is that the tap on again. I’m at a point where I feel like I can’t concentrate on my course at all and I need to be able to put the hours of revision and studying in as I have exams 3 times a year. I want to contact his GP because he keeps saying he will but he just doesn’t. He is in complete denial and delusion. My mum cries most night in bed and is going through the menopause herself, his addiction is ruining our relationships and making me resent my brother. I’m never sure if I should call him out on lies or if I should be there for him. I’ve tried the empathetic approach and tried to make a comfortable environment for him to talk to me but he still lies again and again and pretends to be okay like he always has. I just don’t know where to go from here and how to either get him help or learn to cope so that I can pass my course. I’ve never written on something like this, I just would love to hear from people dealing with the same situations. Thanks for reading my story.

[Lozzy80]

Hi Pennyloo.

Sorry you’re also being impacted by this horrible nightmare.

 

Sadly the cold hard truth is your brother won’t change until he really wants to .  You have no control over it I’m sorry to say.  I suffer with anxiety really bad and one of the best bits of advice I’ve had is focus on the things I do have control over. You might have to make  some very difficult decisions , horrible you have been put in this situation not of your choosing …but there are choices for you even if seems v limited

Is there a friend or other relative you can stay with – if he won’t leave and it’s impacting your studies…you need to explore this as a possibility

Can you speak to your mum , and get an agreement on boundaries, that when he is like this he has to leave ? This is not something fully inside your control if this is your mum’s house and her rules it will need her full buy in …don’t resent her if she refuses to ask him to leave …. Many stories from mother’s on here will show you just how torn they are due to this.

Is there someone at the uni – a counselor ? Definitely need to start reaching out and getting outside help for yourself….it will help you get perspective and consider all your options

 

I wish you all the best with your studies

 

Lozzy x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[eddie123]

Hi there, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry. I know of a great charity that supports people like yourselves nationwide. The family support programme is all remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours. https://adaptoxford.org.uk/the-icarus-programme/

They also have a free treatment programme for Addicts if your loved one wants the help, give them call or fill in the referral on their website.

[Author]

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