[sophiet]

Hello.

My partner and I have been together for 2 and a half years, he has always used drink and drugs recreationally but as we’ve become closer and are now living together it’s clear that his use is much more than recreational and generally he drinks most days and uses drugs most weekends and often into the week too. I am not a heavy drinker or drug user and his substance use makes me feel uncomfortable. I can tell it does no good for his mental health either.

For over a year now drink and drug use has been a constant issue, we have had so many arguments, promises and agreements. Unfortunately we just seem be going round in the same circle over and over again. My boyfriend will make promises and then end up breaking them and lying to me, I hate the dishonesty and this ends up in further arguments about trust in our relationship.

I feel like I am always getting it wrong, I want to help him live without drugs and I want to be happy

too, but I can’t seem to get there. I have given so many ‘final’ chances that neither of us believe that any more, every time he breaks my trust he gets so upset and I end up feelin awful and comforting him.

This year I chose to go to relationship counselling on my own to try and navigate this situation and I am always looking into addiction support for my partner. Right now I feel like I’m carrying this burden alone and I need my partner to work with me, but I keep letting him do the same things again and again, I’m not sure when or how this situation will end and I’m worried that I am enabling his behaviour, which will Just allow it to carry on until it breaks our relationship.

I’m just looking for advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

[dfh]

Sorry you are going through this. What is he using? Xx

[danman83]

I take it hes on coke? He sound like it.

[dfh]

Hi Danman how’s things? You coping ok?

[danman83]

Yes I’m doing good thanks. I had a bit off a rough patch from Oct to Feb. Because I split up with my gf, but were back together now. But I’m 2 week clean now. And still doing my best. I admit during the time we split I went out a lot and used. But I made a big mistake in leaving. My fault really lol. Hows you?

[harl]

Hi sorry I hope you don’t mind me reaching out as your probably in the same situation as much boyfriend. I’m trying to shed some light on why he’s acting the way he is. He’s got and cold with me, 30 days sober, he said he wanted space which I’ve done really well to give him as I’ve been going a lot of reading and understand the emotions way sober people go through. He’s been messaging a little this week however this morning he said we will catch up tonight so I’ve spent the whole day looking forward to his call for him that to read my WhatsApp and not reply. I haven’t seen him for 30 days nor have I spoke over the phone to him for two weeks (he previously said it was because I didn’t want to hear me upset) it is usually to go through moods

Of wanting to speak to me then not actually doing so? Thanks for your help and well done by the way

[danman83]

It is a bit strange why he can’t make the time to call you. Do you think hes using while at home?

[dfh]

I’m good ta, well as much as I can be right now. Husband started n.a. meetings in jan/Feb and for a few week it helped. But then in March he relapsed after 6 weeks so here we go again only this time he spent his entire wage in 3 days and left me picking up the pieces as usual. I suppose the difference is that he is or seems to be hell bent on going in rehab. And he is starting to see how bad he has treated us.

In the meantime I’ve got to find a house as I’ve sold mine and try and salvage some of the mess he’s made. I’ve been trying to distance myself from his behaviour and I think he’s noticed that. It’s hard though coz there’s not much help for family/loved ones of addicts yet loads of help for the addict. Are there any groups in lancs you know of? Long shot but your pretty local to me so you may know of any.

Glad to hear you straightened yourself out. Just stay strong and focussed. Sounds like you have an amazing little family and you need to keep going best you can for them 🙂

[danman83]

Thanks for that :). Hes probably relapsed thinking its 6 week.. he will be ok. But the fact is.. that’s it now, he can’t use or drink ever again or put him self in these situations.

Are you still together then? I don’t know any groups tbh.. apart from the ones that help addict, but I’m sure they could help. I thought this site is mainly for the family.

So were in lancs are you from?

[harl]

I thought that too – but I just kind of put it down to him not wanting to hear me upset and maybe him blocking out that everything’s ok. As I come across really positive in texts. To be honest I wouldn’t get upset now I’m passed that stage and understand this is the new him and that he needs time and space. I don’t think he’s using no as hell randomly text me and say just to let you know I’m 30 days sober which is what he sent yesterday out of the blue. He had his son all weekend this week he’s only 2

[danman83]

I guess people are different though. I’d rather be with my gf than away. But it keeps me on track if I’m with her. Otherwise I’d be literally getting on it all the time.

[dfh]

Egerton way, so I’m stuck between Blackburn or Bolton for any sort of help groups.

Yes I guess he is letting his guard down way too soon which leads him in to false sense of security. He really does need rehab if I’m honest. I think now he has started to realise that and I’m trying to support him best I can to get the help so fingers crossed. It’s hard though. He’s a good guy but this has got a proper grip on him. And on top of that I need to keep reminding myself that I can’t let it change me as a person if that makes sense.

[danman83]

Ahh I’m in Bolton. I can’t remember if I said lol. Theres achieve in bolton, but I’m not to sure if that’s for family. But I guess you can check. I had an appointment last week, but its shut because of this virus. So any of them could be a while now. Bit shit really. But on the plus side, hopefully this virus puts a shortage of it coming into the country lol.

Ye I know what mean. I bet it’s hard for you a lot. Its literally everywhere. You would need a good 3 month in rehab I recon to fully be ok.

[harl]

So sorry for all the spelling mistakes I didn’t check over!

[sophiet]

Thanks for replies, he is using coke. I’m just not sure how best to help him, nothing so far has made any real long term difference to his using

[harl]

I thought that too – but I just kind of put it down to him not wanting to hear me upset and maybe him blocking out that everything’s ok. As I come across really positive in texts. To be honest I wouldn’t get upset now I’m passed that stage and understand this is the new him and that he needs time and space. I don’t think he’s using no as hell randomly text me and say just to let you know I’m 30 days sober which is what he sent yesterday out of the blue. He had his son all weekend this week he’s only 2.

[harl]

I’m here if you want to chat – you are not alone I’m going through a similar he’s 30 days sober however I wasn’t around my boyfriend when he used (We don’t live together and did it during the week) so I’m unsure on their behaviour but you can reach out for rants x

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