[pamela1993]

Hi all.

So, this is the first time I’ve done something like this but reading peoples comments I feel as if I’m reading my own story.

10 years ago me and my husband used to do a small amount of coke on a weekend. I remember us both thinking ‘wow it’s every weekend we need to stop’. We didn’t. Fast forward and we are parents of three who since lockdown have used probably every other day. Not in the daytime to start. Just an evening when kids in bed and mixed with alcohol. To me, having an alcoholic mum, I felt doing it made me clearer than if I was drunk so I justified my use as an escape but better than being drunk and falling everywhere. Now every other night has even extended. The night doesn’t end. We started not sleeping at all and then just trying to act normal. Just about getting away with it. Then two nights. And most recently we’ve done three. I’m scared in every single way about my control. Both of us are. Doesn’t matter how horrendous we feel afterwards, we do it again. We both plant the seed of thought to each other and we know what we’re doing. I’ve been so scared to reach out to anyone because the assumption is my children aren’t being looked after. Up until now I have been able to hide and seek ok but I also know they are seeing things that don’t make sense. I am scared for them. But we can’t stop. I have tried therapists but I often feel as if they don’t understand at all. Suggest diaries and ‘really trying’. They miss the point. I AM SO ASHAMED. I believe I continue because it’s easier than facing the reality of how crap I am. I want to know if anyone has found a service that really helps. Becaise I see no way out:

[jamesb]

Hi mate, hope you’re okay

Firstly just want to say you’re not alone and by no means are you a bad person.

Going from your name on here I’m pretty much the same age and can completely relate.

I’ve never been in a relationship where the partner also gets on it and I used to think to myself oh man how good would that be but I have friends who’s partners also use and reality is although you don’t get the constant policing it is actually alot worse for the fact you can get away with it and if one of you doesn’t want it, the other normally does.

I get the whole thing about not wanting to reach out because you’re worried that people may get involved with your kids etc because I have no doubt in my mind, despite your addiction you are both loving and decent parents.

This is a tough one.

Really the only thing that seems to really work is CA meetings but that involves attending meetings and takes up alot of time that you, as parents can’t give up as you need to be home with your kids.

I know it isn’t as simple as talking to eachother and saying “for the kids let’s just stop” because as nice of a thought that is, addiction and doesn’t care if you’re parents and will grip you no matter what responsibilities you have.

Do you guys have close friends you can talk to? Tell them and ask them to manage your money so that it’s harder for you to get hold of? People who won’t judge?

Can you maybe take it in turns going to ca meetings on alternative nights?

But please understand this. You both have to do this together. The worst thing that could happen is one of you giving 100%and the other 50% where it leads to a situation where you’re both questioning eachother if they been on it etc.

You clearly love eachother and alot of addicts aren’t lucky enough to have that person in their life.

Draw up a list.of things you want.

New car, family holiday. Anything and stick that on the wall and keep looking at it.

Anyone who does gear knows that you get a mad bond with someone you get on it with. Find something else.for.you both to do together when the kids go to bed.

Maybe youtube home work outs.

I know it’s never going to be as glamorous as getting the drinks in and a g and telling eachother how much you love eachother over and over again whilst off your nut but the reality is that this isn’t living.

Be honest with eachother, support eachother and keep pushing on.

You got this. For.yourselves and your kids.

Much love

James x

[donthaveaclue]

Hi Pamela

So my partner is an addict – coke to crack now. But… he co-erced me into using coke when we were first together. I’d never done any drugs in my life and was quite anti them. He (aggressively as he was drunk) insisted I try it when he first used it in front of me (much to my shock!). The first time I managed to turn him down but the second time, I gave in as I just wanted him to shut up and not feel threatened.

The thing is, of course it made me feel better/good as I have health issues that affect my brain and this was helping! So I found myself using it recreationally sometimes (not often or in vast quantities and never alone).

I don’t do it anymore and haven’t done for a long time. My child was a big factor in stopping… I got pregnant.

To be honest, I also didn’t like the side effects – the smell of it, not knowing what else was mixed with it, being unable to sleep and sometimes it would make me feel sick.

Unfortunately, my partner is still addicted and his addiction has worsened/increased. So I am now trying to move out as with it has come a lot of issues such as volatility, DV and him destroying the house due to paranoia. Also debt because we can’t afford his usage.

I have a mum friend who is addicted. She doesn’t realise it but she is… she uses daily in the week – only a bit – to help her get through the day and sometimes more in the evening and on weekends/parties etc. She has a lot of things to do and puts a lot of pressure on herself. So she uses it to cope and keep herself going. She thinks she’s controlling it… but the fact she needs it and uses so frequently makes me feel she’s addicted.

The problem is, her partner also has done it with her during their relationship… he was unaware she was using daily. He confronted her and she tried to quit. Recently she had a lot of stress and started again… then he found out. It seems as if he used it as an excuse to use with her and get more. So they were on it for 5 days… and they really don’t have the money to waste.

They are both enabling each other because they both like it… that’s the reality. They like how it makes them feel so they have that urge. Because they are both on it, there is no one saying no really, although my friend tries to limit it. I think it is part of a deeper issue – he already had issues with alcohol when he met her and she has always used recreational drugs, smoked and drank… she has issues from her childhood and I think having never dealt with them led her down this path a bit.

I think you can reach out anonymously for help via online (emails, forums) or telephone helplines. There are quite a number of alcohol and drug support services as well although I’m not sure a out how anonymous you could be using them.

There are online CA and NA meetings.

Does your partner/husband want to quit too?

xx

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