[holliesmokes]

I don’t even know where to start… it’s like my biggest nightmares have become reality.

I lost my mum 5 years ago to cancer and just found out that dad is an alcoholic. He was abstinent for around 30 years before mum died but I remember all throughout childhood we were terrified of him coming home drunk. I think I only saw him drunk once or twice in my whole life, but the fear was always there, I can’t really explain why. It was probably my mum’s fear that we were feeling as well.

Both my brother and I live quite far away from him (I live in a different country) so hiding everything was probably easier, however I was in a immense shock when a neighbour called me to say my dad, completely plastered, got in his car to drive somewhere. He couldn’t even walk. By that point we didn’t even know he was drinking at all. This was just over a year ago.

Since then there has been the classic web of lies, attempts to give up, relapses, etc. He admitted that he has been lying to us for years and has been drinking a lot. That he can’t go on without a drink, he wakes up in the morning and goes straight to the shop to get his vodka which he drinks neat.

My brother and I tried everything we could think of. We call him daily which he probably takes as we’re checking up on him, but we’re just trying to make him feel less alone and abandoned. We paid for counselling, which he went to but without any results, we visit him as often as we can… I really don’t know what more we can do at this point. If anyone has any advice I would be so grateful.

He took such good care of my mum while she was going through cancer, he was amazing, it’s so heartbreaking, depressing and scary to see that we lost him as well. I’m trying to accept that he is an alcoholic, the addiction is real and there is nothing we can do about it. I have no idea what he is doing, if he is actually paying his mortgage still and bills, if he will lose the house, if he is eating…

After the last binge he booked a psychiatrist appointment but I don’t know if he is really motivated to get help or not. I’m 38 weeks pregnant and this stress is the last thing I need..

Can anyone relate? I have no friends or acquaintances with alcoholics in the family so no one to talk about except my brother, but we’re just fueling each other’s anxiety I think.

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