[smith100]

<p class=”p1″ style=”margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”><span class=”s1″ style=”font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;”>I have been with my husband for 20 years – 2 kids.</span></p>
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<p class=”p1″ style=”margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”><span class=”s1″ style=”font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;”>He had a breakdown and was heavily using coke about 4 years back.  <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>Usual signs mentioned in this forum – loss of job, financial difficulties, moods, excessive drinking, not interested etc…. <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>I find out it was coke, finding texts messages to dealers and confronted him which he admitted everything.   <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>Said he was in a bad place and this is a wake up call.   <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>Things got better – job, financially, cut down drinking … however I knew still not quite right. <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>Erratic moods and plus I monitor all the accounts so still see cash withdrawals!    <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>I explained that I had my suspicions – Totally deny and gets angry and offended… this has been going in circles for a few years.   <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>I have wrote letters, gone to a few of sessions of couples sessions, tried to explain my reasons…. Refuses and tries to turn it round to me!   <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>Now I have learnt just to not bother raising anything as there is no point.    </span></p>
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<p class=”p1″ style=”margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”><span class=”s1″ style=”font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;”>He actually stopped doing coke for a month or so here and there and from what I suspect has cut down.  <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>He is now learning to mange it very well shall I say!  <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>Currently always pays his bills, we have money to go out and save for things – however I still know he is doing it. <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>I can tell by the moods, cash still running short and we don’t do anything, and at times when he nips to collect it in the morning on a Saturday or I know he gets some in the morning before work. <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>I even suspect he does it first thing in the morning so it ensures it doesn’t screw up his sleeping pattern at night so I am not suspicious!    <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>I do love him and probably like everyone I am sure, so angry and frustrated as when he is not doing he is the most amazing person.       <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>I have two small kids and dont want to break up the family home.   <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>I know I am sure I will be told to look after myself and concentrate on my kids…..but as much as I try, I get this rage and upset and makes me so sad.    <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>I know also I am not one that can just turn a blind eye and ignore it – I feel like a mug and doormat that the guy I have know for 20 years can lie to my face so easily and hide thing.   </span></p>
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<p class=”p1″ style=”margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”><span class=”s1″ style=”font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;”>I have thought about sitting down with him and trying again to have an open and honest chat and explain the pain he is causing me to lie and sneak about.    <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>I really don’t care what he has done and would do anything to help – I think he even knows this as I am not a type of person to judge.   <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>But then I think what is the point – he will just get angry and deny and we won’t get anywhere. <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>The only reason last time was probably as he was at rock bottom!     <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>I even feel like saying if you want to carry on do it but have a budget and don’t lie to me….   <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>Do you think it is even worth rocking the boat or shall I just carry on pretending? <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>I just feel if I don’t try I may regret? <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>On the other hand if I try and he gets so defensive it could also blow up massively in my face!!!! </span></p>

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