[smith100]

I tried posting earlier but come up all gobbledygook – so thought I would try again – here goes!

I have been with my husband for 20 years and have 2 kids.

He had a breakdown and was heavily using coke about 4 years back.  Usual signs as mentioned on this forum – Loss of job, financial troubles, mood swings. excessive drinking and lack of interest in everything!   I found out it was coke by finding loads of unpleasant messages to drug dealers.   I confronted him and he admitted to everything and explained he was in a bad place and how sorry he was and this was a wake up call.

Things got better – Job, financially, cut down drinking, going to the gym and eating healthy, having more family times/ days out.   However something still not quite right.  Mood swings here and there, bouts of lack of empathy plus i monitor all the accounts and see unexplained cash withdrawals.

I explained I was worried and asked if still doing coke.  He gets totally offended and denied – angry and then doesnt speak for days on end.  This goes round in circles for a few years now.  I tried everything – writing letters, going to a few couple therapy sessions just to get him to open up but nothing!  Refuses to be honest and turns it around to me.    Now I have learnt not to say anything as it gets me no where.

He has stopped doing coke for a month or few weeks here and there.    He has learnt to manage and function on it well shall we say!  Currently he always pays his bills, we have money to go out – however I still know he is doing it.  I can tell by the moods and unjustified cash withdrawal.  I know he nips out on a Saturday morning as makes some random excuses to go out and also know he collects in the morning before work.  I suspect he does it first thing in the morning so it does not effect his sleep at night and doesnt raise suspicion.

I do love him and probably like everyone I am so angry and frustrated as when he is not doing it he is an amazing person.

I have 2 small kids and dont want to break up the family home.   I know I am sure I will be told to look after myself and concentrate on my kids.   And I even tell myself this, but I cant stop getting this rage and upset that makes me so sad.    I know I am not the person who can turn a blind eye and ignore it.  I have never been one for letting things go 🙂 I feel like a mug and a doormat.  The guy I have known for 20 years just lies to my face with no remorse or conscious.

I have thought about sitting down with him an trying again to have an open and honest chat and explain the pain he is causing me by sneaking around lying.  I really dont care what he has done and do anything to help.  I think he knows this and I am not the person to judge – so still mystified why he cant open up.   But then I think what is the point – he will just get angry and deny it then we wont get anywhere.    The only reason last time i think he told me as he hit rock bottom.    I even feel like saying if you want to carry on doing it have a budget and dont lie to me.   Do you think it is even worth rocking the boat or shall I carry on pretending.   I just feel like if I dont try I might regret it.   Or on the other hand if I try and he gets defensive i could all blow massively up in my face!!!

[brighterdays1234]

Hi Smith100,

This sounds like a very hard situation to be in and with two children to care for in the mix it makes it even harder. I’m sorry you are having to go through this experience its horrible.
Well i know from my own personal experience being with a cocaine user/addict it is a journey that unfortunately has many tough times. But it is a very personal experience and no one can tell you what is right or wrong as it is you that has to live with your own choices.

But reflecting  on what you have said I first wondered by saying he could have a budget to spend on cocaine, are you suggesting that you don’t mind him doing it? Would you be happy to stay with him if he continued to use cocaine?

My own experience has shown me over the last 18 months that before you can even get your partner to acknowledge your upset or feelings in all this you have to know what your expectations are of them. Where your boundaries are and what you are happy to accept and what you aren’t.
I never put boundaries in for my partner as I wanted so badly to stay a family with our two children and live in our lovely home in a lovely area. So I almost turned a blind eye (without realising it) to facing the ultimatums or installing the boundaries as I was scared what would happen if he didn’t do the right thing. I went against my own morals and thoughts on what was right and wrong to make excuses for him. I kept it a secret from family and friends to help him not be judged or pressured. I carried it all on my shoulders.
But it didn’t work and the worse times still happened and now I realise the minute I knew he was taking cocaine I should have put my boundaries in then. Instead I wanted to help him because I loved him so I got him to the GP, couples counselling,  rehab centres, psychologists. I listened and listened I took the upset the angry and carried on. Now I realise I shouldn’t have and that no one should make you sacrifice your happiest to try and save theirs. Plus when he knew I knew and nothing changed he still used drugs and carried on living in our home etc there was no consequences for his actions or reasons to why he should stop so the problem got worse until I changed the locks and asked him to leave if he didn’t stop taking cocaine.
I worry from what you have said that you only know the surface of what is going on with your husband. It sounds like there’s a lot he’s not telling you and he is probably addicted to it by the amount he’s used but like my partner he always says as he doesn’t use it everyday so he’s not an addict. Even though over the last 2 years he spent 150k on it and escorts. As the months go on I’m finding out more from loans and individual accounts.
For me I have now got to a point that I have decided to leave him and sell our family home so we can both go our separate ways. I will still be there for him but I can’t be on this constant rollercoaster anymore with him in complete control. It has taken me 18 months to get here and I literally have tried everything, crying, shouting, begging to get him to see sense but I’ve now accepted it has got to come from him and no matter what I say or do will make a difference. He is still very much in denial and even after taking an overdose over a week ago he still thinks it’s not a problem as he had 10 days off from it.

I guess what I would recommend to you is maybe write down some boundaries of what you expect from him as a partner and father. So you know how far you are going to allow this to go. Because drugs can cause them to become a great manipulator in situations and you need to be clear what you will accept. Also I would stop looking at this from what he needs but from what your children need. The minute I changed the focus from how to help him to how I could help my children I felt stronger. As you have to safeguard them in all this emotionally and physically as the mood swings from your partner could cause them to feel unsettled. Since my partner left my children of course miss him but they are a lot more settled and calmer. They see him when he’s not on drugs and I will always encourage that.
For us my partner use to have occasional episodes of great paranoia and hallucinations thinking men were in the garden or work men outside etc. So I got to the point where I would feel scared to have him sleep in the house.

I know our experience is different in many ways but I think it could really save you alot of heartache if you try to change the focus from him to you and the children. As what he is doing lying, spending money and taking drugs behind your back shows a complete lack of respect for you and your family. Unless he has a consequence to his actions it will just enable him to continue and you unfortunately to suffer more.

I hope if you do have a conversation with him you can be clear and strong on what you want and deserve from your relationship. I use to always say to my partner I will help you access support so you can go into recovery and I will support you 100% with this but I won’t support you taking cocaine anymore. I hope your husband realises what he is doing to you and the children before it gets worse.
Let me know how you get on, take care of yourself in the mean time whatever you choose to do I hope my advice has helped alittle even if it was just to show you another option.

Take care x

[paw_x]

Hi Smith,

I can only echo the words of Brighterdays here – I completely agree that you need to set boundaries and from my own experience as well, if there are no consequences to what your husband is doing, there is no incentive for him to change.

I feel a wee bit similar to you as also 4-5 years ago, my partner had a big coke problem that cost him everything. I left him, he got sober and sorted out his life, and we had been together for 3 happy years until last year, he relapsed and it’s been hell since then. When he first told me, he did start going to meetings but as there were no real consequences – i.e. he didn’t lose me or suffer any big life changes as a result, he kept on relapsing for a year. He cost us thousands, and he nearly drove me insane as I spent the whole time telling myself I was just being paranoid while he lied to me over and over again. This all came to a head earlier this year when he lost his job, and after all the broken promises and lies, I’d had enough. Kicked him out and he finally hit rock bottom after losing everything. He’s now doing well, but I don’t for a minute think that would be the case if I’d kept up appearances and spent my life telling myself everything is okay when it isn’t.

I hope you don’t mind me being blunt, but your husband will not get better if he’s not even acknowledging he has an issue, nor doing anything about it. He will only get worse. He has a history of addiction and if he’s taking cocaine again, it is only a matter of time before this becomes a real problem. With mines, he slipped at work a few times and then the addiction started telling him he could take cocaine, just a wee bit, as he’d been sober for so long. 8 months later, he’d blown thousands. Financially, you might be okay just now, but it will escalate. He might already be racking up debt you don’t know about, that’s the power of addiction.

If you choose to ignore this, you’ll regret it. Trust me, if I could go back, I’d have kicked my partner out and roped in his family for help a year ago when he first confessed to a slip. It gets worse so fast, especially when your husband was already an addict before. Don’t keep all this on your shoulders. If he won’t talk to you, he won’t change, it could cost you every penny you have, and you’ll drive yourself insane. That can’t be what’s best for you or your family.

Wishing you all the best x

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