[ele1215]

I have been with my husband for many years and I married him knowing this situation, which makes me feel like I should learn to deal with it and try to support him. He’s always been a cocaine user along with other party drugs but cocaine is the “problem” and I am at a lost, I am currently trying to work out if I should stay or walk away and it is breaking me. Every Friday it starts sometimes it stops that night around 3/4am other times it doesn’t and can go on until Monday. Every weekend I pick up empty wrappers and beer bottles from around the house cigarettes from the floor and wonder to myself is this my future. I love my husband so very much and he is the loveliest man when not drinking or doing coke but I am left anxious, unsettled and emotionally detached.

Sometimes he reacts in a “normal” way and will just sit on his own doing what he does and eventually go to bed (I realise this isn’t normal) Other times he will flip completely disappear for hours and become out of control – drink and drink and drink, take and take and take. I have been sent out at 6am to buy more alcohol for him or take him to a dealer many timed and he will not stop until he gets what he wants. He asked me to have control of his bank account so he cannot access so much money but not he just racks up debts with dealers.

When I say how I feel it just goes straight over his head. Sometimes now if he goes out I will leave and go stay with family just to remove myself from what could be a chaotic night ahead. But I’m made to feel like I’m over reacting. He says he’s fine but I don’t know how much I can put up with before I break.

[kel1]

If you read these threads you will notice the common theme with this drug and unfortunately that is devastation, loss, heartbreak, confusion, powerlessness, frustration and the list goes on. Simply put cocaine ruins people and their families.

There is no healthy relationship with an addict, it WILL break you in the end, especially if he is choosing not to get help. He really needs to focus on life without drugs and the rest of it that comes along with this lifestyle.

You must not feel as though you should just learn to deal with it because it’s not yours to deal with. These are his issues and not yours. Maybe you believed that he would change and that he would eventually give up the drugs. Now this hasn’t happened it’s left you to reflect on your own decisions around this.

It sounds as though you’re unhappy and rightly so, and it sounds as though his addiction is what’s most Important at the moment.

There is no winners with this drug sadly, unless they wish to change for themselves.

You lose him, he loses you and you all lose what life you planned to have, all because of that nasty ass drug!

It’s good you can get a break every now and then sometimes, I think you’d go insane if you didn’t.

From my own experience, I did break down and lost who I thought was the love of my life. Now, we are separated, his still using, and he don’t see his kids. He is now a Monster and is not who I fell in love with. You see they change when on this stuff! My ex became angry, nasty, abusive, a cheat and so much more. Once upon a time he was loyal loving family man.

You see – we all lost and now we’re all broken.

Please take care of yourself and keep talking on here for support

[ele1215]

Thank you @Kel1. To be honest I never know what to say, I’ve never written in a forum before.

I love my husband so much but I feel I make it worse because I get so sad and try to talk about it and just get ignored.

[kel1]

Of course you love him. Unfortunately that drug has taken a hold and probably taken the man he once was and transported him into a different version of himself.

I think the ignoring is probably him avoiding discussing his issue as he doesn’t sound as though he is ready to give up. Maybe he doesn’t see it as a big deal yet, being in denial isn’t uncommon.

You can say whatever you want in these forums as long as you’re getting what you need and you’re expressing what you need too. There are lots of people on here going through similar issues so it’s good to talk it through with others.

[ele1215]

It is so hard, my gut knows things will not change and this is a bigger problem than he accepts and only likely to get worse he says when he is 40 (this year) he will stop but I just don’t see it happening, he seems to be becoming for and more angry with the world and that frightens me because he is becoming capable of more and more. My heart doesn’t want to let him down by giving up. It is so incredibly draining. I can’t love him how I want to because I’ve been hurt and let down so many times my guard is up and that causes tension between up as well. He is the main financial earner in the house and never lets me forget it.

[kel1]

I’m sorry this is happening, and I’m sure the “giving up at 40” is just an idea, but in reality it doesn’t work that way and it’s not that easy! If he wanted to stop then he would do it now.

Aggressiveness/mood swings make them appear as monsters. My ex partner is more interested in that drug than his own kids. He is always so angry, and you’re right “angry at the world” and don’t seem to take any responsibility themselves. It’s always blaming others and just nastiness!

Keep your guard up because you need to protect yourself from HIS chaos. It’s all full of darkness.

I don’t know if these men ever get back to being who they once were! It’s just so sad so very sad

[ele1215]

I just think to myself what will it take for me to say enough is enough. I know if I leave now I will find it so hard to stop being part of his life and I would likely cave and go back again because I hate to see him struggle, I hate feeling I could do more but at the same time he makes me feel like I’m going mad, telling me what I’m saying isn’t true and that he’s not bad compared to others. Sometimes I wish someone would take me away and not let go back or if I had kids I’d have a reason to walk away.

[kel1]

Hopefully you will work out what is best for you in time. This can be very destructive and can hurt you in so many ways. But it’s your choice and only yours.

[cape17]

This sounds just like my situation. I posted on here a couple of month ago about my husbands cocaine problem I didn’t post again because I thought things were going to get better. They haven’t. In 6 months he’s managed to go 2 weekends with out being on coke. Every weekend it’s the same thing this is the last time he always says I’m going to sort my self out we even have talks on the phone when he’s at work and he promises me all this stuff and makes plans for the future but then the weekend comes around and he on it. We have 2 young children and it’s got to the point now where I have realised he does not want to spend anytime with me or the children. In the week he works nights theN plays golf then At the weekend when he finish Friday night he makes plans for himself to play golf then come home and get on coke he sits upstairs high playing PlayStation games walking round the house just to make appearance to the kids then sleeps all day Sunday back at work Monday then same old cycle begins the anger depression moodiness frustration it’s so sad to see what it’s done to my husband I’ve only just admitted to myself that I have lost him along time ago to drugs and alcohol he doesn’t listen to anything I say either and if I try to talk to him it turns into an argument and I also feel like I’m going mad because that’s how he makes me feel he turns it into me like it’s me who makes him do it and he is paranoid as well constant accusing me of cheating on him. It’s insane I have 2 young children Who I’m looking after all the time I’m doing all the parenting and he thinks I’m out cheating as well. It makes me so sad and angry as well I try not to let it get to me now because I do have to be strong for the children. I am also in the same boat that he is making all the money at the moment I’m on maternity I will go back in December. He also reminds me he makes all the money and makes me feel like I do. Nothing. He works 6 days and 5 days but then spends the over time money he’s making on coke. He is Financially running us. I do love him and so do the kids but now it’s got to the point that I’m not talking to him I can’t bare to be around him I go out with the kids to get away from him and I’m relieved when he goes to work and I don’t have to deal with the emotional abuse and just his depression moods. I’ve been in denial that I think he will change it’s like I’m been waiting and waiting that he’s going to but I think the cocaine has got him now and that’s more important to him than his family right now.

He just says that he’s just gonna do what he wants to do yet That’s what he’s been doing this whole time it’s all about him he is so selfish.

Sorry for the long post I can just relate so much to what you said and it helps me reading other post here and getting advice.

The best we can do is look after ourselves and make sure our Health and mental health is good because this drug ruins every ones lives involved.

[ele1215]

It is so nice to realise I’m not “mad” or over reacting as I’m often told at home! And that so many stories are similar, the sitting upstairs alone using, blaming it on me (my reaction made him do more) and not wanting to listen to thoughts and opinions of others. It’s really making me feel stronger reading these posts and I’ve realised now I must get out and then be strong and brave. It is going to be a long road and I want to support my husband but I realise now I cannot do that whilst being so close, I need to offer my support from a far and see how we get on.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me.

[donthaveaclue]

My partner is the same. He makes promises all the time to do things with our child and me and he never does. I am literally like a single mum! I don’t feel as if we are a family anymore… more like two people that live together and share a child (biologically rather than parenting together).

Thankfully our child is not old enough to realise he was meant to come with us.

He also does the isolating himself in another room to do the drugs, then gets high drinking and smoking cigarettes… time after time I’m cleaning up all the bottles, cans, wrappers and other stuff… so I’m just waiting on him with food and drinks when he’s on a come down and we might watch some TV together but mainly we spend no time together.

The amount of times he’s promised that it was the last time or this time is the last or that he would go doctors etc… it never happens. It’s all just empty promises to placate me.

[donthaveaclue]

It is weirdly comforting reading that others are going through what I am. I feel bad that you are suffering in the same way I am. I feel as if I am being tortured and live in a constant state of anxiety.

I also do the clean up after him and have been asked to go on alcohol or cigarette runs at 6 or 7 a.m.

[ele1215]

I think for me this forum has confirmed my husband has a problem, part of me always thought maybe I’m over reacting and perhaps it’s in my head. I wish I had kids but I’m so grateful that is one less consideration to have right now. As others have mentioned this will just carry in unless he decides to do something about it and I know he just isn’t at that point yet. I can’t hide away forever so I guess today is working out what I do next.

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