[surviving-chardy]

I’m 27 & my mum just died. She suffered from alcohol abuse for over 20 years, as long as I can remember really. She was so clever, the smartest person I know so it’s difficult to understand how it all happened. Why she drank. But I know it’s a disease, that she didn’t want to feel that way & do all of the bad things she did. Her behaviours led to her being outcast from our family. But I always kept in touch with her; bought her online food shops, topped up her mobile phone, sent her recent pics of her grandchildren that she never even met in 2 years because my siblings were too embarrassed to take them to see her. I’m struggling because I have such feelings of resentment towards my family, for how they treated her. I just can’t believe that she’s not here anymore either. Can’t ring her anymore, that’s the toughest part. Getting used to the fact that she’s not here anymore. They said she wasn’t in pain & we were all there the week before she died, she saw us & she smiled, she knew that we loved her. But now, I can’t seem to cope being on my own. I have a great partner & I know I can ring my siblings etc but they’re in a different place than me so it’s really difficult. I always need to be watching something, or reading something or playing something. I can’t be on my own, I just think of her & crash. Uncontrollable sobs. I see things everything that remind me of her – songs, people, smells, it’s crazy. Like torture. I’ve been seeing a counsellor & it helps to talk but it’s so tiring & upsetting – makes you rehash all of your childhood memories. Trips to find her in pubs or ditches or in strangers houses, trips to social services, the police station or the hospital. We did have my step dad growing up, an amazing man who loved her so much even though she abused him – he brought us up. But he died of cancer 5 years ago. I have lots of family and friends but sometimes I feel so alone, there’s just an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can’t get rid of. I spend time wondering what I’d be like if I didn’t grow up with an alcoholic mother, what I’d be like if I didn’t have to fight her all the time & defend her all the time. I’m such an impatient and angry person – I lash out at people for the most silly things. But then again I don’t think I’d be the confident and hard working lady that I am today without the skills that she taught me. She wasn’t all bad, she was a brilliant mum – she was at every netball match, every school play – she taught me to stick up for myself & that I could do whatever I wanted if I worked hard at school. I know she was proud of me. It’s tough because my mum never got the chance to be at either of my siblings weddings, not even her own sisters wedding, never met her grandkids – they were all too embarrassed and just didn’t want to deal with her. I promised her that she’d be at my wedding, that she’d meet my kids. I now she can’t & I feel like my heart is actually breaking. Never knew what missing someone was until I lost my mum. I just hope she’s up there with my stepdad keeping an eye on me.

Thanks for letting me share x

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