[3boymom]

This is my first time doing anything like this. Im generally a very quiet person and keep to myself but Im tired of holding it all in. I have been married to an opiate addict for 11 years, together for 14. Its been a roller coaster ride which includes 3 kids, 4 rehabs, copious amounts of lies, financial hardships due to drug use, and a current relapse. I feel so tired and empty and dont think i can keep getting on this ride. I have given my all. I have stood by him through all the rehabs, given him chance after chance to choose sobriety, yet here I am again. I feel so stupid for putting up with this and allowing the abuse and the gaslighting. Why do I put myself last everytime? I am scared to leave him because Im afraid of his reaction. Im afraid he will go off the deepend of try to take everything from me and my children just to spite me (he has threatended this in his past relapses). I think I stay because I feel like Im trying to protect everyone including him and all at my expense….Do you think addicts pick a partner who is softer and more empathic in nature? I just dont understand how I got here. I wish I was stronger and didnt fear losing everything and having to start over. I wish i didnt think with my heart as much as I do……Im sorry that this is a rant, Im just hoping someone out there has been through it and come out the otherside. I need some strength & support. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.

[kklost]

I haven’t been in your position. I found out hubby was an addict by chance in May during lockdown.

I gave him a chance and so far it’s working out.

I know I wouldn’t give anymore chances. If he relapses im done. He is fully aware and I am def not a soft type. Maybe some do marry softer women – but not in my case.

I think you have given him every single chance, every part of you and it’s not worked. I wouldn’t give him anything else … this is now for you and your children.

Leave/kick him out. Which ever. He will NEVER get your children if you are clean/not in your own trouble. He’s bullying you about that.

Are social services involved?

You are making the right steps by being on here. You must do what’s right for your family and not your addict partner!

[3boymom]

KKlost –

Thank you for taking the time to respond. It means a great deal. I love your conviction. He is currently out of the house. No social services involved. Im healthy. He generally functions fine. He loves his kids, he is like the biggest one. Always wresting and playing but at times not the best role model. Its just his mood that changes sometimes and he has slow muscle reaction in his eyes so he looks like he is falling asleep which I absolutely loath. It makes me physically ill when I see it. This relapse is the calmest of them all. The last one was awful, threatening, calling the cops on me while he was high. It was insane and I feel like I should have left then because of how ugly it was. Somehow he convinced me he would changed and worked his way back in only to come to this place again 1.5 years later…..

Im working on being strong and putting myself first. I think empathy is a stong personality trait but in my case I think it can be harmful too. I worry about him and how it will affect him if we split and not what it could do for me(after going through all the pain of actually splitting of course) if I able to free myself from the pain of being a mother to him, the pain of feeling you dont have a partner to depend on, the anxiety of having to watch his every move(his eyes that show me he is using, the bank account where I see the cash leaving so he can fund his habit), the pain of keeping his secret from family and friends, the shame & embarrassment. Its exhausting, yet I believe his empty apologies and continue on this merry go round hoping for a different outcome. Writing it down makes it look like the decision is easy but when you see your children cry in fear of their parents divorcing, and a baby who cries to see his dad; it breaks me inside. I second guess myself. Is this part of my vow, in sickness and in health? Am I abandoning him because I cant handle the addiction. Im truly struggling.

[kklost]

Take a breath and say it’s not your fault. It’s not because of you. This is HIM

That’s hard. It’s hard to blame, but are you shoving that drug into his nose? NO!

I think you are amazing to have given as much as you have. I won’t ever give half of what you have.

Been with my hubby over 20 years, 3 kids and that day I found out I knew I would never ever give more than one chance. I was so disgusted by it, so hurt that he did this to our kids! The ones who look at him like he’s the biggest hero ever and I am just boring mum!

I was furious and it’s taken a while to get past that. But I know if he relapsed I wouldn’t have anything to do with him. We had social services involved as he admitted to GP he had used while having the kids when I was working, so he’s now ‘known’ – it’s accountability. It did him the world of good, he had to stand up and face it.

I insisted he tell his sister and mother. Both were absolutely disgusted and wiped the floor with him. Again accountability. Both know I will leave him if he takes drugs again and support that.

It’s down to that – your husband has to be clean… he can’t live with drugs. No one on the forum can. No one can survive, the drug with either kill them or ruin everything you have built.

You sound like such a nice person and you sound like your fears are so justified – if this was 1st time, maybe 2nd time? But now? Where does it end – when you say it does!

You owe it to your children to not allow this in their world. They deserve better and by the sounds of it he won’t give them that. So you have too.

I am so angry about this and anyone who uses. It’s vile… I hate it and I hate that I was so naive. I had no clue what so ever. Maybe that’s why I’m so black and white. I had no idea at all that this way even a part of my husband. I just could see him becoming a shell and I had no idea why. So stupid of me.

I would rather walk through fire than live with anyone who took drugs.

I think if my husband was honest he would say that as soon as I found out his ‘fun’ was over.

It was me or drugs. I said that to his face. To our couples counsellor.

If he ever relapses I will be broken into a million pieces. But I won’t backdown. I can’t. But it will probably finish me

[3boymom]

I thank you again for showing such strength. Im walking through it and Im trying to find my strength. I pray for you and your family, that your outcome is a positive one. Its funny you mention him being the hero and you being the boring mom. Thats exactly how it feels in our family and even now that the kids kind of understand the issues dad is facing, he is still the cool guy and Im the bad guy not allowing dad in the house. Thats a tough pill to swallow….Thank you again. This is so helpful to have this outlet and to have someone like you, who is kind enough to take the time to respond. I wish nothing but the best for you and your family. I would say stay strong but it looks like you got that part down!!!!

[kklost]

Hi, for some reason my phone hadn’t said you had replied. Sorry!

How has it been? Have you got any further with it?

[3boymom]

Havent got much further but Im sticking to my boundaries and he is out of the house. Its baby steps for me. Thanks for checking in.

[coco1212]

3boymom reading your post its like I could of wrote it. My ex is on crack and he has been for 18 months. We have 4 children and unfortunately social services are involved. And like you I can’t talk to anyone about it what he’s doing because of the shame and embarrassment I feel. Im sick to death of him. He’s so selfish. I kicked him out the house and when I went one morning I came back and a caravan was on garden he lives there. So I can’t move on which is what he wants. He’s still now been out since 8.30 this morning. I hate him but unfortunately still love him at the same time. Social services just think because he’s there I want him to be but honestly it would be easier if he wasn’t because the stress, anxiety and heartache it courses is out of this world. He says he wants help but he does nothing about getting it. The last 3 weeks he’s been stuck to his dealer like glue. I can’t deal with it but what choice do i have.

[kklost]

3boymum, when you say out of the house, you mean you’ve kicked him out? How longs that been? Is he in contact with you?

Coc1212 – he moved a caravan into your garden?

[3boymom]

Yes, he is out of the house for a month now. He is living with his mother who has been drug testing him. He does contact me in order to check on kids and schedule seeing them. If he can remain clean I have no problem with him seeing our kids; they absolutely adore him. I just think its time for me to move away from the hurtful cycle that continues to kill my spirit more and more each time he relapses. As Coco12 mentioned, its hard when you truly love someone but Im started to realize that my sanity and hapiness should be mean more to me than they do. I need to start caring for myself and stop putting his addiction before everything…..

[kklost]

That’s so brave of you and so right.

Really good you have your his mum drug testing him and he is then accountable for what he has done. I think that’s a massive part of all this.

I had read your past posts like he was still there and still dragging you through hell. I’m glad you were strong enough to kick him out!

I absolutely dread the thought of a failed drug test from my husband and having to back it up with what I’ve said. I know I can and I would. But obviously it’s not what you want or we wouldn’t put ourselves through all this in the first place!

Have you found having that month apart is helping you?

[coco1212]

Yes kklost he put a caravan on my front garden to live in

[kklost]

Good god! No wonder you are annoyed.

May be a stupid question, but having that bit of space, has it helped you both?

This drug is pure evil and just wrecks so much stuff.

[coco1212]

No its made things a million times worse. He’s on crack and totally dependent on it his dealer can say anything and he’ll do it. He’s here now after being gone since 7.30 this morning. I’ve told him to get lost but he won’t. I need him gone now

[kklost]

Oh no! Sounds terrible!!!!

Can social Services help get rid of him?

[coco1212]

No not by the looks of things.

[kklost]

Unbelievable. When you need the help no one is there

[coco1212]

Womans aid are helping me now

[kklost]

Thank god! What can they do? X

[coco1212]

Well there going to speak to the council about having me moved and they put you in touch with other agencies that can help so waiting on that. They’ve advised me to have councilling and stuff to help process what’s gone and going on

[kklost]

This is really gonna help. I also was advised to do counselling and I really wasn’t sure about it. I felt very much it wasn’t my issue, it was his. He was at fault. He was doing it. But by having counselling I now realise how angry I was and probably still am. For so many reasons – but mostly the shock. I had no idea at all that he used.

Glad they can mediate with the council and get you moved. You need that help.

I own my home, so you are pretty much stuffed if they won’t leave. I’m so count myself lucky that it didn’t come to that.

[coco1212]

I’m not sure about counselling either. Like you I thought why do I need counselling but maybe it is worth a try. The anger and pain I feel maybe they know how I can deal with it.

[kklost]

I am not that kind of ‘self healing’ person at all!!! I honestly thought it was a load of rubbish. But it has really helped hearing a professionals take on it. I see it more now as learning about this world. I have no clue about it and was totally Naive. I am not now!

[coco1212]

Really ? Maybe I could try it. I just don’t know now. If he’s worth fighting for anymore he could of killed my son and he doesn’t seem to think he’s done anything wrong.

[kklost]

Absolutely understand and it’s got to be yours.

[icarus-trust]

Hi

I’m sorry to read your post and see how badly affected you have been over such a long time, because of your husband’s addiction. It must be very hard for you but it’s true that your happiness and sanity is really important.

I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We support people like yourself who are having to cope with a partner’s addiction. We have trained and experienced people you could talk with if you get in touch. They are very good listeners and maybe talking with one of them would help you to make sense of how you are feeling and find a way forward.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[Author]

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