[hopeless78]

I don’t know when it all went wrong or even what I did to deserve this but it’s destroying our lives. Maybe it’s my fault for wanting our beautiful son, or not being supportive enough when things got hard at work. Maybe I shouldn’t have encouraged a life of self-employment because it’s was just too much.
I should have done more at the beginning and not just hoped that it would all go away. The man I fell in love with became a stranger. A new man now lives in our home that thinks it’s ok to put our son at risk although he has done nothing wrong. He worships the ground his dad walks on but even he hates what is happening. I should be stronger and do the right thing for him but I love my husband and one day I hope that he will come back to us.
He says that life’s not fun and that he can look after our son better than I can, maybe that’s true after all I am the one that’s keeping him here. Sometime he tells me that he loves me and that I’m his best friend, those days I live in hope. The problem hope is so unfair it only ever brings more heartache. The man on the phone says that some people never get better from this horrible disease and that I need to build my own life and put that first. I don’t know how I am to give up everything that means so much, I have been fighting for so long what happens if I do give up. Would it be right for me to start a new life, to be happy? Sure it will be hard and our son will probably hate me. I couldn’t stay here, although I can get help with the costs I would always be living in the shadow of a memory, wondering if I did the right thing. I could stay, be supportive, and say that the pain doesn’t matter, ignore the drunken nasty comments. ‘You’re a fat cow’ doesn’t he think that I know that, ‘your unfit to be his mother’, ‘I can look after him better than you’,’ you only want me for my money’’ your only doing this to make yourself feel better, ‘you don’t care about me you only want the house’. Maybe it’s all true maybe I am unfit to be his mother and a wife.
If this is true what should I do next?
I have tried to be patient, understand, not to get upset or angry but the lies keep coming and each time they cut a little deeper I’m scared that one day they just won’t hurt anymore, I won’t care if he kills himself one way or another but I can’t say here in the fear that if I go, he will. We all have choices and they are never easy. I want to give our son the best chance possible and I do believe that having his father around is the best thing for him but at what cost. They say if you really love some one that you let them go if it means that they can be truly happy. If his life is that bad that he needs to escape in the bottom of a bottle them maybe I’m doing more harm than good. If I go he can be happy.
What if I’m wrong, he’s already put us both in danger without even a second thought let alone a first. The Scotland trip is just one example. 1 week, 7 bottles of red (10 units each = 70 units) 24 bottles of beer (3 units each = 72 units) and 4 bottles of whiskey (30 units each 120 units). He was never safe to drive. How much more stupid could I have been. Looking back you could argue that things are so much better now. But would I just be fooling myself, how long would it be before we were back to that point again? Maybe I’m just asking for too much. If I back of maybe he will be ok?
I’m told that it’s his problem and that only he can do something about it, but if you see a man standing on the edge of a bridge wanting to jump no one says well it’s up to him to do something about it. You stop, you do the right thing. Why is there no right thing for me to do now? Give him time, understanding, why not a loaded gun if it amounts to the same thing? I want to trust him again but when it comes around every two or three days but how can I?
If he had cancer there would be someone there to hold your hand and say that it’s all going to be ok everyone is doing their best and that they will be there for you. With this is about whispers behind your back, and if you want help then you have to fight for it so hard and even then convince people that your worthy. It’s better to be hit by a car in the street on a Friday night whilst drunk than go to people and say I have a problem please help me. At least that way you can blame the car that wasn’t looking or the drainhole cover you got your foot stuck in. They don’t make you feel unimportant or that you are a waste of their time. You’re an emergency, you need help now and you do get it. Even long term help to recover from your injuries. This way around is so unfair, can’t they see the problem can’t they do something to really help?
We not bad people we have done nothing wrong!
I should have been nicer when I was younger and thought about other people more, maybe his is my punishment? I can’t turn back the clock and undo everything I have done but right now it feels that there is nothing I can do about the future either, it’s out of my hands. I have to sit and wait for hope or the end. But I know that he needs more than I know how to give.
For now I don’t know what I’m going to do, all I don’t know is that I miss the man I fell in love with all those years ago, and even though I’m told that he can’t be that man any more I can hope that part of him will come back one day. That we can be happy, a family and free from all that drags us in to this living hell called our lives today. No one wants to hear this story which is why I’m writing it to you it needs to be told even if there is no one to read it. Hopefully one day here will be a right answer, a hope for the millions of other people out there slowly watching their loved ones die in more ways than one.
I may not live to see it but please let’s make this a disease that doesn’t have to destroy lives because of the social stigma attached to it. Those of us that try to do something can see the need for more support for the drinkers and the ones that live with their actions, they can’t help it. They are not bad people their just in a bad place with little chance of hope.

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