[lola84]

Goodness me, where to start.

Thanks for this platform.

I found the man of my dreams, I separated from my ex five years ago, swore myself off men for a while and then my now husband walked into my life at a bbq.

We had an instant connection, he was a recovering addict and I knew it, I wasn’t phased, because hey, recovering is good right? and although we took it slow at first, i knew from the second time I met up with him alone I loved this man, he was everything my ex wasn’t, loving, caring, supportive and such a wonderful person.

Fast forward 18 months, we were now living together, having the most amazing time, he’s managed to become friends with and support my two grown-up children, does so much for them and we all were so happy.

BAMM….suddenly money is getting tight and I have no idea why, we both have good jobs, we both earn the same so why has he not got any? anxiety hit me hard, he’s never given me a reason before not to trust him, but still….months later i found the drug packets/paraphernalia, in his pockets, in the car, in the wardrobe and while I was searching I also found payday loan reminders etc. Obvs I was distraught, he was distraught, my first taste at being an active addicts partner, but I wanted to support him.

He decided to properly do the 12 step programme this time because couldn’t lose me etc and did it, he did it well, he got a sponsor, he went to five meetings a week, he started doing service all was fantastic once more.

Fast forward another year he asked me to marry him, why not? of course I will, he is still all the things I love, yes he has his demons, but he’s working at it.

We got married last year in June, all was so amazing, but then the sure signs of the lack of money came back, he wasn’t going to many meetings and I got worried. Yet again I found out a week before honeymoon that he had another relapse and the bills were there, he lost his job (apparently unrelated) rock bottom again, but he tried again, went back to sponsor, done steps once more, but this time promised that he would do it different and work at it for longer because doesn’t want this to happen again, he said he would follow all his sponsor says and work the programme with his everything, but gradually over the past few months its all gone downhill, he doesn’t want to go to meetings, he’s even started drinking again, although as far as I knew he’s never had an alcohol issue his drug of choice being cocaine, but after years off it why now?

I started Al-Anon in December and it’s helped me so much, but still…anxiety rising, he lost another job recently, I was just waiting for what was coming, asked him, but he was saying all ok.

I then found out this week that he lost both recent jobs due to stealing money, thousands of pounds over a prolonged period of the past three years. That’s not the result of two short relapses surely?!!! but he still says so. Now what do I do, I love him, he is that man still but I do not for one moment believe him nor trust him on anything anymore.

Any advice or support appreciated , thank you

[jamesb]

Hi Lola, I hope you’re okay.

That was a really well explained post. It’s very clear love your husband wholeheartedly and I really must say it’s great to see you acknowledge that despite his addiction, you know he is still and good man and also acknowledge he still holds many good and decent qualities because often people suffering with addiction are tarnished as being the lowest of the low and just bad people.

I’ll start by telling you that all of the problems he has found himself in, the loans, the loss of jobs etc are no reflection on his love and commitment to you. If anything being in a loving relationship when struggling with addiction is even harder because of the shame and guilt you feel knowing you have let your partner down.

You sound like you’re very clued up on addiction so I’m guessing you’re aware of the way it takes control of a person, can make them do things they would never imagine they would. And even though they would sober hold values and morals that wouldn’t for example ever allow them to consider stealing from work. Somehow, almost in a state of trance, when the addiction knows this is the only way it will be fed, somehow the person addicted will go through with almost anything they have to in order to continue using.

From the outside in, it would be easy to say, well he has a family, and a partner who supports him. He has been too CA and worked the steps so it must be his own choice to return to it.

I don’t think this is the case.

Alongside working the steps I would suggest he gets some 1 to 1 professional councilling. To really work out the route cause of why he uses in the first place. I really do believe, even if a person isnt even aware of it themselves. Deep down there is a reason why they can’t stop themselves or a reason why they reach for this.

Some people like myself used cocaine to block emotions when I went through losing my parents and then became a daily user. Some people may not have a specific event that started it but maybe a unhappiness within themselves like not feeling enough, or feeling under pressure for any reason or anything at all could of been a reason for using the drug.

The drug like all drugs like paracetamol etc is used to treat pain of some sort. Often cocaine is used by the user to treat emotional pain and things get out of hand and then the cycle begins, cocaine causes more pain, so you mask that pain with cocaine, which then causes more pain and so on….

I really think of he can understand his reason for using it will help along with the steps and hopefully lead him to a full life of recovery.

Stay strong

Love is the cure for addiction

James x

[lola84]

Wow James, thank you so much, this made me smile reading this for the first time a while. You have explained it all so well and its such a lovely feeling to see that someone else understands.

What you have said about the fact that the morals and values seem to go out the window when in the state like trance really makes sense. Bearing in mind this is a man who I have learnt so much from and has made me a better person generally and his morals were something that I loved most about him which is why I suppose its hard to get my head around all of this, but this really helps because I have started now to see him morals are still there and this must be hurting him as much as it hurts me, if not more because going against your own morals is not a nice feeling, I am not at all perfect and have made mistakes and i know they are the hardest ones to get over when you know what you done it against what you personally believe in.

Thank you for the suggestions about the counselling , this makes perfect sense and is something that I have suggested to him before and he also has said is something that he would look into, although he hasn’t yet, perhaps it might be something I could mention once again as a suggestion, I agree massively that there is something deep down that somehow he hasn’t dealt with.

I genuinely appreciate your views and the time you took to respond, the only way I and others can get through these times is by hearing from others and you have really supported me today. For that I am so thankful.

Massive congrats to you for your recovery, it sounds like you have and continue to work hard, thank you for being an amazing person.

Lola x

[lostb]

I had to reply my first post i could be you but further down the line , if I had advice it would be leave as I have been there still there been to the twelve steps sponsored councillors and then finally he did an intensive almost 2 years residential rehab the shining star almost got married bought the dress had it booked he started again

If I thank my lucky stars thank god I never married and then he has limped along job after job stealing money from work, hiding things my possessions missing his sons possessions missing none of his children want to know him , hanging with prostitutes it’s been the worst thing in my life and now he is like a shuffling complete heroin addict hanging around the next road from me with a women who has no teeth and one eye and looks like your worst horror film and him he was the funniest most articulate charismatic intelligent so good looking man I cannot even recognise it’s truly the worst thing I ever saw he doesn’t wash is being arrested for theft assault, I don’t believe he will ever stop sorry it’s my first post and like you everyone loved him my daughter family friends I spent almost 10 years going in a circle ☹️

[lostb]

And sorry if I sound so negative love is not the cure for addiction that is just hopeful as I have seen multiple people go through the intensive most loving rehab and it’s pot luck as numerous people my partner was with have died and their families partners children were so supportive they might as well not even tried as they still chose to go back and 50/50 became worse or dead it’s just has to be that person themselves at rock bottom the more support you give it drags you down

[lola84]

Hiya, thank you for your response, this is really sad to hear, what a very sad reality you have lived.

You do not have to apologise for being negative, i absolutely appreciate your response and advice.

My eyes are still a little half closed, half open with it all. One boundary I have put in place for myself is that I wont tolerate any theft from me or my home, not that it makes it any better that he has clearly stolen from his work place, but I think in my head I feel that with that I do not have all the facts, I can’t be sure of the situation, but if it was from me personally then I would be more sure about things (she says, knowing shes not sure about anything)

I think I am not at the stage of giving up on him yet, but I do know in my mind that there will be a point that I will if things do not change drastically and I am under no illusion that I am the one who can change them, its got to come from him or I can absolutely see him in the same position as your ex within years and that would be so sad, I am just sorry that is your reality now.

I genuinely do thank you for your story and comments.

Lola x

[lostb]

Thanks like you I didn’t realise the theft , some of it I would uncover after ages example an old digital camera I discovered missing so angry as it had last pictures of my mum before she died I no Linder have , an old phone same stuff and then I’ve had the police for the work theft raiding the home etc jewellery not even expensive but sentimental from gifts I became a detective almost having to buy back my daughter game consoles from cash converters, this shows how low it gets from being awarded commendation in the community by our Mayor to fighting in the street over stolen bikes with other thieves it’s a dreadful life , I agree find a point to cut off according to your principles, mine has been messaging other women who are addicts it was actually the last straw as I never saw him being unfaithful too he was always so against that and the thought of that has been the worst people have said they are known prostitutes so I have had to get tested for that too

[Author]

Posts