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My son got out of prison a couple of days ago..He seems very positive and is ready to get himself back at the counsellors….He now has another court appearance in 2 weeks for assault…..so Im in under no illusions that another stint in prison is on the cards…Its never ending, but I am proud how my son reacted to this all..He wants to get all this out the way, and get on with his life…he has no one to blame but himself…his words not mine! When he was released he had £50…he knew his son needed new shoes, and took him and bought a pair….this is another giant step..usually he would have been selfish and spent it on whatever…..I pray this BS will end soon…..hugs to you allxxx
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Hi Maivs.
I could have written your post myself. My husband is a couple of years older than yours and has a depressive illness too, which attempts to “manage” at times by self medicating with, currently, copious amounts of red wine and “legal” highs. I can relate totally to the misery you express in the cycle of trying to support a loved one to give up a habit that is effectually robbing you both of every ounce of normality and happiness and has moved into the territory of crisis management. My situation is slightly different to yours I think in that we have children(you don’t mention any) which makes the situation even more complex. I see you say your husband brother is aware of the situation but he doesn’t sound very supportive of YOU and its YOU who are dealing with someone in the throws of chemical dependency on a daily basis not him. I think you need someone in your corner. I don’t know about you but I find it impossible hard to know who to confide in. Outwardly my husband and I seem pretty perfect because we have both become adept at coping mechanisms – well I have anyway. It he need to protect the kids and not to put his job at risk mean that I have to just suck it up and cope somehow when he fans apart. Added to that how do you tell people that your husband is a drug addict without them recoiling and distancing themselves? And you need support to make all the big changes involved with enabling your husband to seek help, and if you don’t have that support then it’s very hard to have the inner strength to cope. Because you don’t have that thing every marriage or partnership should have at its core-loving support from your other half. You’re the caretaker, and that’s the killer. Jeez. This has ended up being all about me but what I meant to say we yiu really aren’t alone. I don’t know you obviously but I identify with you from the bottom of my heart and am rooting for you to get through this somehow. I can’t tell you how but maybe we can work through some strategies together or at least listen without judgement to each other? I feel for you. I hope today is one of the better days ((((())))))) -
Hi Mavis, and Blueshoes,
There is someone you can talk to who will provide the support you need to help you with fighting your corner. The Icarus Trust has a collection of amazing Family Friends who provide and support and signposting service (free of charge) to help families who are in need. You can contact them on info@icarustrust.org or go to their website at http://www.icarustrust.org.
I hope this is something to help both of you.
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I am in the same situation as you with my brother! He lapsed tonight & I had to refuse him back into my home as he was drunk. He became verbally aggressive so I called the police to have him removed. He is now on the streets with no home & this isn’t the first time & I am devastated. He did this 2 weeks ago. He thinks I don’t notice & he can pull the wool over my eyes. The family are torn apart & everyone has given up on him after years of problems. I am so alone & I know I have to think of myself now & my health! ???? I feel your pain but your brother like mine may manipulate you to get what they want through their own selfishness & destructiveness. You must take care of yourself.
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Your story mirrors everything I have been thinking and feeling, I wish i could give you a hug. I want to believe that we can get through this and that it will get better. But for myself I am worried at what it might cost. I feel like I’m getting more and more isolated and even starting to doubt my own sanity. Take care of yourself.
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I am so sorry, you had such hopes and I followed your messages with the same hope both for you and me. How much more can we be expected to bear from our sons behaviour. Xxx
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Hi Stacey,
That is a very difficult and tough situation. It’s a good step that you’re able to talk about, and there are people who can try and help you. The Icarus Trust is a charity which provides a support and signposting service for families who struggle with addiction, as it clearly affects more than just the addict. Please get in touch with them, and you will be provided with a Family Friend who can support you. You can drop them an email on info@icarustrust.org or go to their website http://www.icaurstrust.org.
I hope this provides the help and support you need.
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Is there anyone you could go to stay with for a while my love? You are suffering too. xxx
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Hi Tricia, I am sorry to read of our distress. I can understand how you feel as I also have a daughter who may loose her children as she can no longer hide her addiction. I also feel that emptyness. I am working on myself to keep my head above water. You are not alone.
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Hi Tricia and Hopeful,
I am so sad that both of you feel so alone but there is help for friends and families of addicts. The Icarus Trust is a charity that supports people like yourselves who are having to cope with a loved one’s addiction. We have experienced trained volunteers who you could talk with. They may help you to find a way ahead and not feel so alone. They may also be able to signpost you to other help that is available.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I really hope that you will be able to get help and support. Good luck with everything.
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Hi
It sounds like you might like someone to talk to who would understand how you are feeling. It is really hard to cope with what you are going through, supporting someone with an addiction like your boyfriend. The Icarus Trust is a charity that supports people like yourself. if you contact us we can put you in touch with one of our trained volunteers which might help you to see a way ahead.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope this helps. Good luck with everything.
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I am so glad that you reached out for help and support . You deserve to have some peace . Of course you will always be sad about your son there are still days when I want to bawl my eyes Out but they get less . As can’t take no more said you will always love him nothing will ever change that and nor should it .i hope that sometime in the future our sons will understand how much we love them and they find the strength and courage to change . Wishing you all a peaceful weekend xxx
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Hi Echo
This is a very hard situation that you are having to deal with. If you would find it helpful to talk with someone who would understand what you are going through please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports friends and families of addicts. You could be put in touch with one of our trained experienced volunteers who might help you to make decisions about your next steps. You would also be able to find out what other support there is for yourself, your mum and your brother.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck with everything. -
Thank you for sharing your story.
It seems there are few services and research done considering the experience of family members, in particular siblings. That is why I am conducting a research project looking at the narratives of siblings, encouraging others like you to share their experiences. If you wish to participate and share your story or would like more information please contact me at u1422721@uel.ac.uk. Thank you.
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i am so pleased you have asked for help, I know I must do the same, because this horrible disease my son is suffering from has started to affect my gut. The message you have given to your boy is spot on. Please keep looking after you xxx
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Hi drivebunny
I really feel for your situation. I have a son with a drugs problem and felt that there was no light at the end of the tunnel.
If I could ever even slightly give you a little advise, find an AlAnon meeting support group to attend. It will feel a bit strange to attend the first one, but after that, you will feel the help and support from all the other people who are going through and experiencing what you are going through will give you a new found strength to carry on.
My prayers are with you that you havent given up on the real man who is still there when the alcohol is’nt.
I also read a book recommended to me by a supportive Councillor and that really helped in changing my thoughts and actions. Look on Amazon at Get your Loved Ones Sober. This was such an insite.
I really hope you get through this tough time. You really are not alone.
Mrs M -
Hi drivebunny hope your ok. I can relate to your situation. I have a mam whose in her 50’s and alcohol dependant. I always find with my mam the support she gets from doctors, the alcohol place she attends is never enough and sometimes she will miss appointments ect but they persist giving her the treatment at home so can see where your coming from. Recently the finally gave her a weeks detox in hospital, she got out yesterday and was back on the drink today. I’m annoyed at her, annoyed at them as well. How can they think a week would ever be enough. If you ever need to chat i’m always here! I feel exactly the same.. i need some support from people in the same situation but all the support groups around me are when i’m at work. Get back in tpuch if you can 🙂 laura xx
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Hi Drivebunny and Laura,
Really sorry that both of you are in such a difficult situation. You are not alone and there is help out there. The Icarus Trust is a charity that was set up to support people like yourselves, family and friends of addicts who are having to deal with the awful affects of a loved one’s addiction. if you contact us you would be out in touch with one of our ‘Family Friends’. These are experienced trained volunteers who would understand what you are having to cope with and may be able to help you by talking things through.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Please contact us and I hope it will be some help to you both.
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Swiftly I know how you feel I was diagnosed with IBS around 6 weeks ago but have been in a lot of pain for several months . Our sons addiction causes us untold emotional and it seems physical pain . Take care xx
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Hi sweetheart, I am not at all surprised, please take care yourself…Stress is a horrible thing and the fact that you get zero help from mental health services for addictive illness, makes my blood boil, if our sons had any other illness, there would be so much help for them, so unfair. On a positive note, my 3 dogs help me so much, perfect wee angels indeed xxx
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Hey 🙂 hope your ok!! Have you spoke to jeff about how you feel? And does he know of your past experience? I know the feeling of worrying, getting upset ect because of a loved one drinking. He needs to understand how you feel if only you could give him your eyes so he could look at his self from an outside point of view! If you ever need to chat i’m always here 🙂 x
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Hello,
If you would like to contact The Icarus trust we may be able to help by offering you some support for yourself. The charity was set up to help the friends and families of addicts because it is so difficult dealing with the affects of another’s addiction. It may help you to talk with one of our trained volunteers called ‘Family Friends’.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that this helps. Good luck.
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I have had a really close friend go through a sons drug problem which is an insperation to me I have helped her but like you it so hard to cut your son off and not enable but my friend did this and now has her son back home after 4 year and 3 or 4 times in prison I have had to do this it so hard for a mother thinking of you x
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sorry computer playing upx
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Very strong women, I admire so much, so pleased to hear of the happy outcome, hope he manages to stay clean…Much Love xxx
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Good for you, it’s never easy but sometimes we have to take care of our selves. My son is almost at rock bottom. He is really abusive and angry with me because I have turned off the supply of cash from bank mum. He cannot now use car, no insurance but of course that is all my fault. Oh and he can’t get a job without a car and that is my fault. It won’t be long till finance company take it and you can bet your life that will also be my fault. Time they grew up and took some responsibility . Stay strong xx
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Hi
If you would like to talk with someone who would understand what you are going through and would be able to help you with advice on what support is available, please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports the families and friends of addicts and we have very experienced trained volunteers who you could be put in touch with.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck.
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Hi,
‘CANT TAKE NO MORE’ is right, this is the first step and you haven’t failed as a mother or a human being. You can get help with The Icarus Trust, they have Family Friends who can provide support and help to find you more support. You can drop them an email on info@icarustrust.org or visit their website http://www.icarustrust.org which has lots of information about what they do.
I hope this is a good start for you, and I wish you all the best!
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I can seriously say I feel your pain. It never stops I am on year 15 not 100 percent sure because I have lost count now and it doesn’t get better the pain is just like the first time. Wouldn’t wish this life on anyone addicts are the most selfish people on this planet we are the victims. Take care xx
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Hi Nees,
There are support networks for people in your position – the families – not just the addicts. The Icarus Trust is an organisation which provides free Family Friends for you to speak to, along with a signposting service for local help should you want it. You can drop them an email on info@icarustrust.org or check out their website http://www.icarustrust.org.
I hope this is something for you!
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It makes you so tired, there is no respite. Although I worry about my boy at least now he is not here I don’t have to see it constantly. I have no doubt if he doesn’t call court to explain why he hasn’t paid fine he will eventually end up in prison. Where on earth did all this come from, he seems so hard and uncaring about everything, especially me. xx
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I was 16 when all this happened by the way! Forgot to add that in!
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Hi Elle,
I think it must be very hard for you coping with the emotions you have around your mum’s drug taking as well as protecting your children from her addiction. Thank you for writing your story. You sound a very strong person. You may find it helpful to talk to someone who would understand the conflicting emotions you have. The Icarus Trust is a charity that supports the families and friends of addicts. We have experienced trained volunteers who you might find it helpful to talk to.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck with everything and I hope that you get some support for yourself. -
Elle , your story has opened up a great big knot in my chest (if that makes sense) I have just found this site tonight … thankyou so much for helping me see that we are not alone .. how are things with your mum ? Xx
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Wow meg, that’s an awful lot to go through especially at such a young age. It does sound similar to my story in that I thought I could help him, even though as far as I knew he hadn’t used herion for 7 years and that I don’t take drugs myself and don’t like those kind of situations. It’s all still very raw for me at the moment, it only all came to ahead on the 5th October and since then I’m on an emotional roller foster even though I have ended the relationship which will probably be the hardest decision I’ll ever have to make. I’m glad to hear you are in a good place now and wish you all the very best for ur future xx
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Hi chowebella, my daughter drank for many years but it got much worse when her husband started divorce proceedings. In the last six months she started having alcohol related seizures and several hospital admissions. Just over a month ago she was admitted to hospital after another collapse and offered rehydration or detox. She chose detox and has now been dry for 33 days. She is almost back to the daughter l remember but the honeymoon period is starting to fade and l worry every day that she will return to the drink. Apparently most addicts fall of the wagon 3 to 4 times after detox but l hope she is the exception. It needs to be the addicts choice to stop drinking and we can only hope and pray they are strong enough to stay dry. Don’t beat yourself up, all we can do is love and support them in their recovery and pray they have the strength to make the right choices. Hope things turn out well.
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Hi Chowebella,
I sounds like you are being totally supportive to your mum and it is hard for you to cope with the affects of her drinking and the way its making you feel. I was wondering if you could do with any support for yourself to help get you through what is a very hard time. The Icarus Trust is a charity that supports people like yourself who are having to cope with a loved one’s addiction. We offer a free service called ‘Family Friends.’ These are experienced trained volunteers who you could be put in touch with. They would understand what you are dealing with, and talking to one of them might help you to make sense of how you are feeling and not to feel quite so overwhelmed.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I do hope that you can get some support and things start to improve for you. Good luck. -
Hi Chowebella,
I am in the same position as you. My mum is an alcoholic, 2-3 years now, It peeked last Christmas and she ended up in hospital, was in for a month and came out with her partner, was sober for about 6months, until she had her ‘independence’ back, and could go to the shops by herself. Now is has got really bad again, shes threatening to kill herself, she doesnt care that the doctors told her one more drink could kill her, her answer is ‘good’. (although denies the drinking).
She is now being violent to her partner, and will hardly talk to my brother or me.
we dont know what to do, and not sure how we could even go about rehab etc at the moment, but are trying to look into options to help her. The problem is ‘she doesn’t want help’
We just dont know what to do, sorry this post isnt much help, and I dont have any advice, apart from I think you are doing the right thing, and for your peace of mind that you are doing all you can do. Your not alone x
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Thanks meg and cant take no more you make me feel better i just cut my son off two weeks so hard because keep worring have to be strong so hard killing me i keep blaming myself must be how i brought him up torchering myself have to be strong
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An inspirational story Meg… Keep strong and focused on a wonderful future x
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Hi Meg,
That is truly inspirational. You are one amazing person so be able to get out of a situation like that, and then be willing to talk about it.
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