[februarymarie]

I am the mother of an adult alcoholic son (38 yrs.old). This has been a very long road for me and his family. I would say that it has been going on for at least 8-10 years, but that is with the hindsight of looking back at the things that didn’t make sense in his behavior and do now. This has been an anguishing and incredibly painful journey as any parent of an addict knows. My son has been getting progressively worse. He has been hospitalized with pancreatitis, fallen and hurt himself numerous times- he’s currently awaiting surgery through the state for slipping on the ice and breaking his ankle that he did nothing about until it was too late. He’s still recovering from the broken ankle and 10 hour surgery for shattering his other ankle in a fall. He’s an intelligent young man- he was in the process of getting his PhD in Philosophy before his drinking began to ruin that too. He’s currently incredibly depressed and has shut out his whole family, including me. His father died suddenly of a heart attack at 28 when my son was 9, his sisters were 6 and 4. I did remarry but he never really connected with my husband. This is particularly painful as he and I used to have an incredibly close relationship and talked multiple times a week. He’s single so thankfully there isn’t a wife or children who are suffering with this. ( I know that all too well, his father was an alcoholic too. I thought I was done with this pain when his father passed away). I could go on and on…..

He has his own place for now, only because he received a very small inheritance from his grandfather that I had no control over, and he’s using it to live on and do nothing. This could last a year. He does not work. There is currently nothing right now to motivate him to change. He says he’ll most likely be homeless after the money runs out. Really?? That’s his solution??

I have seen a counselor for myself for the past two years and it has been so helpful, but I really need a community to help me feel supported and who understands. Family members try but they don’t understand and tell you to cut him off, or suggest things that I know would be enabling. It’s not their fault, they just don’t know. My husband tries, but he doesn’t have the same emotional feelings that I do as his mom. I feel so very alone most of the time..

I’ve been through the enabling, the covering up (for years!), the incredible shame, begging, pleading, letters, texts, emails, books, anger, desperation, reaching out with love and kindness, the shock of all of this, the hopelessness, the detox, the interventions that went nowhere. tears, tears, tears. He will not agree to a rehab program and any attempts to get him to have failed. He’s had counselors and doesn’t go regularly. He’s had depression since he was a teen, and last summer just stopped his anti-depressants cold turkey and had a frightening mental breakdown where we tried to help him and it backfired and he didn’t contact me for weeks. He always apologizes and is consumed with guilt over what he’s done. His youngest sister didn’t speak to him for almost a year and that fractured our family, yet it was her choice to do what she needed.

I know in myself that it’s long overdue for me to start taking better care of myself. I want to learn how to be okay each day and not always have a sick feeling in my stomach. With his current state, I worry about him dying a lot. I have a strong spiritual faith and it has given me strength. I would just like find a place where people understand my crazy emotions. I can tell that family members are tired of this and don’t want to talk about it anymore. His sisters have their own families whom I adore. I always try and put on a brave face and smile and be happy around them, because it’s just unfair that they don’t have the best of me. The strain of trying to be happy on the outside and in pain on the inside is exhausting. I have so many people who love me and so many things in life that are good. I hate that his addiction colors everything and I want that to stop.The stress of it is wearing on me. How am I going to live the rest of my life with this pain? Is it even possible to reach a place of peace with all this?

[bt1978]

Hey

Thanks for the post that took guts and deserves a reply.

People assume that alcoholism just affects the alcoholic. They don’t realise the impact it has on the family, and the ripple affect it has outwards to everyone they come into contact with.

From what you have written it doesn’t sound like there is any intention of him being ready to sort himself out or get help. This means that you are going to have to work on yourself and adjusting. It won’t be easy as he is family, how you feel is natural, and you can’t just cut off – at the same time there isn’t much you can do either. It’s so difficult.

Have you ever tried Al anon for support? There will be many people in the same boat as you and this may be a good place to start

[februarymarie]

I really appreciate your response! It’s so nice to have someone acknowledge your feelings.

Yes, I have attended Al-anon many times over the last two years. It does have a good plan to keep you focused on your own issues; however, it’s not encouraged to talk about your “person”. I’ve really been needing a support group to be able to just talk and share and I hope I’ve found it here. Thank you!

[bt1978]

No problem. The reason I asked that was to make sure you have support as this is alit to take on.

Do you think he is receptive to getting help or reaching out?

[februarymarie]

He hasn’t been in the past at all. Interesting, we have not been in communication for a while and he just texted me this morning and is trying to wean again and said that he is going to try and take his therapy more seriously. He was very apologetic. I plan on encouraging him to seek rehab if he’ll do it. We’ve been down this road before, so I’ll just try and be encouraging and not get myself too involved. I’m going to try and just stay focused on getting stronger myself.

[bt1978]

Therapy is good for sure, but I also think sometimes addicts opt for this as a softer option (I know as I did it myself) and wonder if meetings would help. A practical programme of action and structure to help sort things out, somewhere to be and also a support network to take the load off you?

[februarymarie]

I couldn’t agree more. I do think he tries taking the easiest route. He has attended just a couple of AA meetings in the past but nothing of significance. It’s frustrating. We’ve talked about this so many times, that he can’t do this by himself- it hasn’t worked for him.

He has a long way to go. He has yet to fully acknowledge that alcohol is the reason for the long list of problems in his life. If he truly does start up with his counselor again (who’s a former alcoholic himself), that would be good because he’s a very strong advocate of AA and a no-nonsense guy who doesn’t put up with his excuses.

I pray often that he will get himself involved with something that will give him support with people who have gone through it. I know I need that.

[bt1978]

Honestly I feel tough love is important. Manipulation is a huge part of addiction, either getting people to feel sorry for me or spinning things to enable me to carry on, you need people who are no nonsense.

Can he get to some online meetings

[februarymarie]

Hi- he definitely could go to online meetings. He could and should do a lot of things. I’ve made soooo many suggestions, but at this point it’s on him to find what is going to get him better and he has to want it. That’s part of the reason interventions have not worked with him. Right now we’re not communicating a lot- it’s strained. It’s very sad.

You mentioned previously that you had issues with addiction. What made you finally stop?

[bt1978]

The only thing that can induce stopping and staying stopped is hitting rock bottom in my honest opinion, that looks different for everyone

[februarymarie]

I’m sure you’re right. He’s had so many things that I would’ve thought were be THE rock bottom and they weren’t.

Thanks for all you’re input. 🙂

[bt1978]

It’s astonishing how far alcoholics and addicts will go, the power of denial can’t be underestimated

[Author]

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