[somebloke]

Hopefully this is the right place to get another perspective and hopefully some advice.

My wife and I have been together for nine years, married for two. She has a sixteen-year-old from a previous relationship, and after a long period of trying and failing, we now have a six-month-old son who is healthy and well.

She has always been partial to a drink which I have always seen as something she would need bring under control for the sake of her health as well as those around her. There was always a regular cycle of work, childcare, cooking and drinking on weekdays as well as drinking more heavily on weekends, with the troubling discovery that she would have a stash of booze hidden away as well as the stuff that is obviously on show. She has a family history of alcoholism (mother) and the verbal and emotional abuse that goes with it, and she certainly uses it as a coping mechanism in the form of self-medication.

Leading up to the pregnancy last year (it was IVF) she was dreading giving up booze, but did a good job of cutting it right back to a negligible amount. I was really hopeful that this would be a catalyst for taking control and learning that she doesn’t have to rely on it to be happy. Unfortunately, with the baby now here she has fallen back to her old ways and has started drinking regularly, and more worryingly hiding booze to either consume secretly or to supplement what she is drinking in the open.

In terms of quantity and frequency, she drinks wine most evenings depending on how stressed she is (from 4 to 7 days a week). A couple of glasses up to a couple of bottles in an evening. She hides booze continually, which is usually wine of some variety (a couple of small bottles up to a couple of full size) although I have occasionally discovered vodka and brandy hidden as well.

She really doesn’t react well to being challenged on it, and instead gets extremely upset and abusive citing my unreasonable interference and “trying to change her” as unreasonable. I do however get the odd hungover morning or two where she was particularly abusive or badly behaved, and she admits to having a problem that needs addressing.

From my perspective, I am worried sick about my son and what danger he is in during her inebriated state, but also her health and whether she’ll even see him to grow up past twenty.

My approach for the last couple of years has been to avoid conflict and tolerate the situation as much as I can whilst trying to offer my support in having her address the root causes that underpin this self-medication. When she has her “moments of clarity” put an arm round her and offer a shoulder to cry on and discuss how to get professional help.

I am starting to reach my wits end with this approach but I can’t see any positive outcome from leaving, or being more direct and addressing head-on. I am increasingly worried about the baby, and want to make sure that whatever actions I take are 100% designed to protect him and the family/home stability he needs.

I’ve loads of questions, but the main ones are:

1. Am I misreading the situation when I say it is unreasonable and unacceptable?

2. What is a constructive way to approach a solution?

Any advice/opinion appreciated.

[danman83]

Hey there, i have no experience with alcohol addiction only coke. But they both are a disease/addiction.

Regarding your 1st question id say no your not being unreasonable, children always come 1st no matter what.

There is no doubt about it she is an alcholic. She would not hide it if she did not have a problem with it.

Everyone is allowed a glass of wine or beer after work.. but 2 bottles sometimes.. seems a lot.

Does she drink in the day? Or do you not know?

My opinion is she needs to knock it on the head, and seek help straight away. Theres so much help for alcoholism online and doctors . Plus its only going to get worse, and everyone knows how easy it is to get alcohol.

Then you have the health factor. Its such a long and slow killer, watcing your partner slowly kill them self.

I would keep making aware what shes doing. How it effects you and the baby, and does she really want to risk losing everything. There are lots of AA meetings she could try.

But 1st of all she needs to admit she has a problem. Start by cutting down. And if its genetic and how its effected her, should she really drink again?

Hope this helps.

[hox]

You are not misreading the situation and you are not being unreasonable. You want the best for your wife and boy.

My sister (k) has always had a problem with drink. Hiding bottles and drinking whisky out of a cup. She was always drunk, abusive and violent toward her husband and myself.

To cut it short her husband had had enough. Told her to leave the marital home and her son. Having nothing left she turned it round with help from my sister (l) and myself. Got her to an AA meeting and she immediately knew she was an alcoholic, not someone with a drink problem but an alcoholic. She goes to one meeting a week now and gets support from there. It is working. She is back at home now and so far it is looking good.

[somebloke]

Thanks for taking the time for your kind replies.

Yeah, it’s a tinder box situation. I think the denial is the hardest thing to overcome, as it is wrapped in aggression. It really helps to know your stories, and hear your words of support.

I really good hope your situations stay on the right path.

[georgia26]

Gosh,i really feel for you what an awful situation.

She absolutely is an alcoholic – the hiding alcohol and the defensive behaviour says it all also her family history they do say it can be genetic..

You are not misreading the situation – alcoholism is a disease and usually incurable, its so heartbreaking.. they usually dont seek help until they hit rock bottom, she needs to get to the GP and get help asap.

Unless she wants help, there is literally nothing you can do. You can’t force her, until an addict wants to get help then it will continue.

The thing that complicates this is your baby, she will know she needs help but until she really wants it this will continue, it happened to me and my partner, it took months of screaming arguments and then he got found on a park bench suicidal and finally he gave in and got help.

I wish there was a straight forward answer.. I wish you all the luck with this, its so heartbreaking. We are always here for a chat if you need it x

[danman83]

Ive just seen your message from a few week ago

I wasnt being ignorant. I forgot were u was up to lol 🙂

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