[django66]

Hi, today was the first time I lost it with my mum. She drinks 20 hours a day and it’s hard to watch. I have tried to help her but she always has an excuse as to why she can’t/won’t get help. She emotional blackmails me saying things like I don’t love her, or she’s moving away and also threatens to kill herself.

I’m really not sure what to do anymore. I don’t want to lose her but I also don’t want her as she is on my life.

[icarus-trust]

Thankyou for posting. If you would like someone to talk with please contact us at Icarus Trust as we are a charity that supports families having to deal with addiction. One of our trained and experienced Family Friends would contact you if you get in touch and may be it would help you to talk things through with someone who would understand what you are dealing with and how you are feeling.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck.

[Paul-]

It’s the shear frustration and emotional heartbreak to watch your mother go down this horrible spiral of self-destruct.

This may be the first time you ‘lost it’ with your mum but it’s not going to get better from now on. You’re emotionally strained and seeing your mum like this becomes a bigger challenge every day that passes.

You desperately want to help your mother, yet the only person who can really help is herself.

The reason for your mother not wanting to receive help could lie somewhat deeper than just the drinking.

Your mother may be in conflict with what is behind the drinking, hence the denial of accepting that she needs help.

The emotional blackmail – involving telling you that you don’t love her, threatening to either kill herself or leave – are her way of expressing her inner fear.

That is losing you.

Let’s be honest and fair. Your mum knows she needs you. Her greatest fear could be the knowledge that you are ready to leave.

Somewhere inside, your mother is trying desperately to reach out for help, yet can’t find the strength to do this.

Find a time in the day when Mum is at least a little sober. Tell her how you feel about the alcohol misuse and state that neither of you can go on like this.

You want to stay and help your mum out as best as you can but it is only your mum who can really help herself.

Encourage her to attend alcohol group meetings (for morale support and to hear other’s experiences) and counselling/therapy to privately explore the life experiences leading to your mother’s alcohol misuse.

Although your primary concern is for your mother’s welfare, it’s important that you take care of yourself.

You are sacrificing your own independence and psychological well-being in order to care for your mum.

Tell your mum that you cannot continue like this, she needs to get help and you are willing to accommodate for her doing so.

Somewhere inside, it appears that your mother is feeling the pain you experience. Mum knows she needs help. Not just for her sake. For your’s as well.

From a practical point of view it may be time to consider getting help from the social services – as you mum may progress to needing further care.

If possible. One option will be to convince your mother to attend counselling in order to explore her life and the underlying causes for her alcohol addiction.

Offering to accompany her to any sources of help may give her some encouragement.

It’s important to accept that there is only so much you can do to help your mother and it may even be a situation where, however hard you try……

All you can really do is try to help as best as you can because it really is about your mother wanting to help herself.

[Author]

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