[cd1423]

Hey,

So im new to this and im not sure where to really start, I’ve always wanted some advice or support but not known where to turn to outside of family. I Guess I should start with a brief overview.

My parents have/had been married nearly 30 years, me, and my brother had an amazing up bringing, nothing I can remember that stuck out to me as negative. Once I turned 18 I noticed a changes in my mums behaviour. These changes grew that rapid that eventually I could tell she’d had a drink even by her hand actions.

Again, this is a very brief overview.

But after years on end of trying, trying to talk to her one to one, each one of us, it would always end up in the same vicious circle. Thurs – Mon drunk day in day out Tue-wed – Sober, I would dread Wednesday nights. Im now nearly 26, but I remember at 19/20 making her cups of tear at 5pm in hope that she wouldn’t drink that evening, and id sit and plead with her to speak to me and I would do everything she wanted. Years went by and I fell pregnant with my youngest son who’s now 3. I remember being 9 months pregnant, at this point she was drinking that much her hands would shake, constantly.

I drove us to a local costa and tried to involve her in everything baby wise because I knew she loved that, I would take her everywhere with me, appointment, shopping just to make her feel included and wanted.

Once I had my son things were ok, but only just. fast forward a year, things grew that bad me and my dad would dread answering phone calls of unknown number, as we knew someone had found her on a pavement drunk, this happened weekly.

My dad would stay with her in hospitals over night on a chair, and do anything in hope this would be the last time it happened. It never was, again fast forward another 2 years. And its not much different. In the end my dad couldn’t cope anymore, after over 5 years of trying to get her help, doing anything in his power, he eventually was too scared to go home as she was unpredictable, she would drink 24 hours a day, be violent and abusive. My dad would spend days/weeks on my sofa to leave the situation, he spent years sleeping on the sofa with one eye open.

Im writing this now in help of any advice at all. She now lives in the family house alone, in and out of hospital, she was found by neighbours weeks ago naked at 5am on the drive drunk, hours away from dying. I have spent my whole adult life trying to help her the best I can, I was only last night as she was sent home from hospital again, at 2pm I offered to stay with her the night, I got there at 5pm and she was drunk. I couldn’t stay, I had left my son and family to give my all one last time. and I left, in my hear of hearts now I am so mentally drained to the point im exhausted. I want to cut her now out of my life completely, but she has no-one? And I then feel guilt. Any advice big or small, honestly I am so grateful.

Charlotte. x

[the-bard]

Hey Charlotte stay strong, you have gone above and beyond with the help, love and support you have shown your mum. Sadly, there is not much you can do for her. Alcoholics have to change because they want to and not because of what anyone else wants. Unless your mum decides to get help then she will carry on drinking. Sometimes the only time they stop is when they hit rock bottom and sometimes they don’t, which is a sad fact of life. This may be hard for you or your family to see or accept however it’s the only time she will seek out help. I watched a short film from a recovering alcoholic who explained his journey and said exactly the same as i have posted that until he hit the bottom he had no desire to change his behaviour even though he knew how much hurt and pain he was causing his family. Showing tough love is difficult, however if you cover for her or shield her then she cannot face the consequences of her behaviour.

Remember the most important person in this is you. You need to focus on yourself and your children and not her or her drinking, as the only person you can change is yourself. By doing this it will help you cope better and improve your life as you can start to enjoy yourself more and focus on the positives. I won’t say this will be easy, it won’t, and you’ll have good and bad days emotionally, however if you stay strong it will get better for you over time.

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