[mary12]

My 45 daughter has been an alcoholic for four years but first registered alcoholic issues in 2005 . I’ve detoxed her several times. The last one lasted six days being clean. She has lost both her children. The youngest is with his dad and the elder is 20 so is living with his girlfriend. What do we do. She’s so clever as she always manages to keep her house but last time wanted to die. Again we rescued her after six weeks drinking at least a litre of vodka or gin a day delivered by Uber. We don’t fund her or enable her as we did originally. I think she wants to die as she now knows she won’t get her children back. It’s having a big effect on us. Nobody will help as she obviously doesn’t want to stop. We just wait for the phone call as her binges last for up to three months.

[nick111]

I am so sorry to hear about your and your daughters situation. I can only imagine how hard it is.

From what I understand the most important thing is to realise that whilst you can be supportive and you obviously are, you cannot fix her by your actions. She has to want to do the work to help regain and rebuild her life. That means joining and doing the work in a sponsored and structured programme. You can’t make her go, you can’t make her do the work needed for recovery. Only she can decide and take those steps herself. If she doesn’t or isn’t, that doesn’t mean that you have failed in your love and supportive attempts. Look after yourself and your own needs too. X

[mary12]

Thanks Nick for your reply. She’s been to two rehabs and AA and other organizations and relapses each time. You’d think losing your children would stop her. Its the roof over her head and her phone that has priority. She made sure before this last binge that they were paid for the month. Its so sad but such a selfish choice. I do believe it is a choice and she actually stayed clean f a year until she got her younger child back last time, but once the child was back one week later she sneakily had three glasses of wine believing she would be ok. We can’t help anymore. This episode could last weeks or months or till the credit card wing pay Uber.

[nick111]

So sad. It doesn’t sound to me like there is any more you can do but encourage her to work on herself in AA. It isnt the program that is failing but she has to want it for herself, not anyone else. You can’t make her see. Take care Mary.

[careaboutyou]

Hi Mary, I’m afraid I understand this situation and your suffering only too well as I am a widow of an alcoholic, he died in 2012. I had to flee the family home and take my then 5 year old Son with me. I had tried to help him for 5 years and found out during the marriage that he had been in rehab 10 years before we met, he went to rehab two more times but it didn’t work. It got progressively worse over time. A ‘drink problem’ became full blown alcoholism. At the end we all had to just let go, even his family…I had to choose looking after my Son and to preserve my own health and sanity so that I could be a good Mother to my Son.

I also believe that it’s a choice..my husband got sober over and over again and always chose to take a drink over us, anything and everything. The drink won over everything. Myself and his Father, rescued him over and over again. In the end we couldn’t keep doing it, my Father in law had cancer, he died 2 years after my husband. So at least he had 2 years free of it.

Please don’t feel that you are to blame in any way. The addicts are completely selfish, unaware of what they are doing to other people and they are self centered and very weak. As you say, losing her children hasn’t made her stop, I left and took my Son with me, this didn’t make my husband stop, although I know that he loved us dearly. It’s so sad and heartbreaking to see someone that you love, destroying themselves. It’s true you can’t help anymore, only someone like me who’s lived it can understand the suffering that you are going through.

When my husband died it was relief and release from it all. He was released from the torment of the addiction and we were released from the terrible strain of it. Living in the eye of a hurricane.

I feel very sorry for you. As you say, you will just have to try to detach for your own sanity. At least you no longer have the worry of her caring ( not caring ) for her children anymore, that must have been horrendous. I know I had all that with the threat of my husband wanting to take my Son, when he wasn’t even capable of looking after himself!!

I send you peace and hope that you can block it out to come back to your own life.xx. It’s her choice to ruin her life. You can’t help her at the expense of your own health and life.

[mary12]

Thanks for your reply. We as a family are giving her the chance to recover with AA. She has meetings booked in next week and a job to start in a week. Been there so many times. We have been advised, and are in touch now by a recovering alcoholic who works within the AA to actually confirm that when she goes home this week that we will support her but will all block our phones if she drinks. I feel that we are finally able to let her go now that we have spoken to an alcoholic in recovery. He’s told us he guaranteed that she will will lose her house and job if she carries on without her choice to choose help. So this is finally it we will be released from this hell. As a family you don’t know if your doing the right or wrong thing but picking her up every time she falls is enabling and now it’s no more. When she goes home it maybe the last time we see her but that’s the way it is and I’m looking forward to the peace. Of course we’ll think about her but the pain from seeing her sat in her own mess and her sons in pain is a hundred times worse. She has been told by the recovering alcoholic that she will get everything back if she wants to in the end but she has to choose this. We’ve been given permission to finally let her go.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Mary,

Thank you for sharing your story. I am glad you have found support on this forum and you sound as if you found a way ahead sad though it is. If you would like some more support please contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that offers help to people like yourself dealing with addiction in their family. One of our trained and experienced Family Friends would talk with you if you get in touch, which may be helpful to you.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

[Author]

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