[jenny]

My son Richard (32) left home to rent a flat with a friend , the friend has left In March and Richard has lost his job as he couldn’t get up for work , He receives universal credit. (regretfully his dad is guarantor) richard is not able to pay all the rent he has let out a room to help pay the landlords due rent but is spending this money so each month the debt is getting bigger.

Richard is abusive to me mum he calls me a bitch , And I get blamed for everything and when his dad tries to talk to him it’s , cxnt this , Cxnt that. He’s so horrible and nasty and abusive . I know it’s the drugs talking , he has been classified as homeless by the council as he can’t afford the rent if he finds a room , they have offered to pay a months rent for him , and they have made referrals to a drug clinic , but he won’t send him all the details they need . Probably because he doesn’t want to miss out on this new ‘rent’ money Of £175 a week he’s spending every week. We don’t know what to do !! The rent is £1400 a month.

Richard has been once to a drug clinic before lockdown , but doesn’t think he needs help. He is just living to pay for his booze and drugs . He is also depressed he tried to kill himself 18 months ago . He doesn’t like himself. O be honest if he wasn’t my son I wouldn’t like him .

He hated living at home and was very nasty to myself , his dad and Violent to his younger brother, so that’s not an option .

I don’t know where I went wrong . Since I told him no more money he hasn’t spoken to me for 3 weeks. I don’t know how to help him . When do I know if he reaches rock bottom.

How do I let go !

[bt1978]

Hi Jenny

Thanks for posting, sorry you are having such a rough time, that is a difficult situation. Firstly anyone trying to take their life has a bonafide problem that needs help and support. Often drug taking and mental health issues are linked and it’s a bit like chicken and egg syndrome, drink take drugs feel depressed, feel depressed take drink and drugs.

The only real way out of this is for him to concede he has a problem and ask for help, otherwise you will likely be open to hurt and more abuse as he isn’t able to see the wood for the trees. This isn’t nice to hear especially as he is your son – you can’t just let go or cut off it’s not that simple.

Everyone’s rock bottom is different. Some people really go all the way, others get a fright and it’s enough to jolt them into doing something about the problem. In recovery circles you will often hear people refer to their rock bottom as the gift of desperation as it is the point where they stand up and do something about it.

Someone said to me once who are you to stand in the way of someones rock bottom. I get what they were trying to say, bit I felt it was misguided. If it’s someone you love, you can’t just cut off.

Do you think he could reach out for help?

[jenny]

Thank you for your insight and advice.

It’s like he has two personality’s , at the moment Richard wants nothing to do with me Or his dad as I’m interfering and controlling, plus I won’t give him any more money. He won’t let us in his flat and is verbally abusive to me if I knock. He has been doing drugs for over 14 years from my reckoning .

I have asked my elderly mother (84) to Pop round on Monday , hopefully that might wake him up , but he doesn’t seem to care about anyone but himself and his friends,, his cousin is reaching out to him as well , So he might speak to him – I know he’s hurting but he blanking me and doesn’t want my help, and the stress of knowing his rent of £1400 each month isn’t being paid . He’s burying his head in the sand and he looks like an old man .

[bt1978]

What you are saying, though horrific to experience, is all par for the course. the split personality is something I hear time and time again. Addiction will consume everything that is good in life and you end up in a place where the it thing that matters is where that next hit is coming from and screw everyone else.

The pain of putting it all down and facing the wreckage is immense – many people can’t bring themselves to do it, it’s far easier to use and blot everything out. Eventually though it catches up – it gets everyone.

I hope someone can get through to him, it’s an awful affliction for him and the family too. If he is ready for help I can always suggest some things to get started

[jenny]

Thank you , he’s not talking to me at the moment

[februarymarie]

Hi Jenny- you and I have chatted before on Cornwallmother’s posts. I wanted to reach out, I’m having a rough few days. As I’ve posted to you before, my son had asked me to not contact him because he needed to “sort himself out” and so I didn’t contact him. Of course it was tough. I didn’t talk to him for 28 days ( of course I was counting ). A week ago he texted me out of the blue to tell me that he was in the hospital. He said he was going through bad withdrawal, but that he was going to be fine- he game me no explanations. He said they were keeping him for a few days because they were checking things. He said it’s a long story. I asked him if was going to tell me this story and he said he would when he got home. He went home on Friday and then said he was too tired to talk, but that ultimately he would be fine. That’s it! I asked him when he was going to tell me what’s going on and he said after he has gotten some rest. I didn’t respond to that. I’m so angry, sad, and frustrated. You don’t stay in the hospital for 5 days over nothing. He’s had pancreatitis from drinking before. I don’t know if it’s that, or if he fell or got sick- who knows? I’ve been sad thinking that he had a moment of loneliness and thought of me. It hurts- I have a son who is in the hospital and I can’t even go see him and comfort him because of the reason he’s there. It’s terrible. And I’m so mad that out of nowhere, he contacts me to tell me he’s in the hospital and not to worry and then won’t even tell me why. I’m defeated because he’s not even mentioning the drinking or that he wants to change or anything like that. My husband, his step-dad, says, ” He’s just doing what he always does and manipulates.” Probably true, but it’s been a rough week.

[februarymarie]

Update: he just texted me and said that they kept him in the hospital because his pulse kept racing. I guess he thinks I’m a fool, because I’m pretty sure you don’t stay in the hospital for 5 days with a racing pulse. I asked him what prompted him to go to the hospital in the first place, and now he’s gone silent. I’m sure he’s lying because he’s embarrassed or ashamed or is just lying to cover up what’s going on- none of which is good… makes me cry.

[jenny]

Your right He’s probably embarrassed or ashamed . Iv discovered with my son when he doesn’t want to talk to me he’s giving himself permission /space to get wasted.

I’m definitely an advocate for anti depressants ,they may help you. We can never feel happy when our children are so unhappy but we need some peace.

Your son will be well cared for in hospital , can you not visit him? Bring him some magazines / sweets.

[Author]

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