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I am the parent of 1 adult child. He is 51 years old.
A little background.
I divorced his father, when he was only 2, who was an abuser of cocaine. He and I (my son) were very close. For years, it was just the two of us. He spent every summer with my parents, who doted on him just as I did. My parents told me that he seemed selfish…would hide his toys when the other grandchildren would visit. Would tell them that they could not touch “what the grandparents purchased for him” (food in the refrigerator. Note: He was not deprived emotionally, nor physically, but there was an innate coldness that seemed pervasive.
When he was 8, I was involved with a female (bisexual relationship), who was physically abusive. He did witness her physical abuse toward me. He told me that her teenage nephew looked at his genitalia, and at the time, I questioned his truthfulness because he would do anything to get attention. I confronted the Mother of this teenager, and he was never around him again.
We moved (physically) away from the place in which all the incidents happened. As I said, he was 8 years old and is now 51. We have discussed his feelings. I have apologized for not creating a “safe environment” for him. I have suggested that if he needs counseling, I am happy to make that happen, but that I can’t apologize for the next 51 years for something that happened 43 years ago. I created a life and environment in which he could succeed. I nurtured him, but always confronted him with an ongoing pattern of lies and deceit….from the time he was 3 onward.
He became a songwriter for a well known music publishing company, and did very well. But, as early as 18, I saw the abuse of alcohol. The music industry just made the addiction all the more enticing for him.
His story is: I (his Mother) am responsible for his plight. He has lost 4 jobs in 9 years. He cannot maintain a relationship with anyone. My partner and I have housed him in apartments (that we furnished); we have given him large sums of money; we have offered to help him get some help. He now has my car, because he was walking to the last job during early morning hours and I feared for his life. He was fired from that job because of the smell of alcohol.
We (partner) decided that we were enabling him and that if we continued to pick him up every time he fell, there would be no incentive for him to stand…to seek help…to change paths.
In spite of ME being the one that has been there for him all of his life (without support from his father), I am the one that he is hostile toward. I am the one that receives the brunt of his anger. And, finally, I decided that “I have had enough”. He refuses to accept that he has a problem; he refuses to accept my offer to help him seek counseling, and is now sleeping in his car and pretty much looks like a bum. (Note: He has been homeless several times, and actually brags about the same).
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My sister is an alcoholic. She used to blame anyone but herself for drinking anything that she could get her hands on. Her husband, her friends, me if I argued with her in fact any body.
She used to say she hadn’t got a problem and alcohol services were of no help what so ever. She could not hold down any job as she couldn’t cope.
Only her husband making her leave the marital home worked. After losing everything, no husband, no family. no home. no money, no car just a bin bag full of clothes did she turn the corner.
AA is the only thing that worked, she’s had a few relapses buy feels much better without the drink.
You have gone above and beyond with your son, and have been supportive but we can only take so much. It’s his choice to drink and only he can stop. Like in my sisters case she had to chose in the end and chose wisely.
I wish you well.
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You are not alone.
I think you are doing the right thing where food is concerned. Drink comes first.
My sister was the same regarding jobs. She could get them even though she was drinking, she hid it well. But eventually she wouldn’t be able to cope and the job would be lost.
It took years to come to this stage though, as she would deny she had a problem.
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Hi Carolyn,
You have been an amazing mum to your son and it must be so hard to see the impact his drinking has on him and you!
I’m so glad that you have a supportive family around you and glad that you are using this blog as everyone is so supportive on here.
If you feel it would be helpful to talk with us at The Icarus Trust please contact us. We are a charity that supports people that are going through similar situations to yourself and we have trained and experienced people you could talk with.
You can contact The Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org
All the best to you.
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