[friendnum8]

we’ve been together for over a decade now and have three kids.

The drinking started in 2010. We had broken up and he decide that alcohol was the best way to deal with his pain. It slowed down and became basically nonexistent until 2017 when his dad died of congestive heart failure.

From there it was a pint a night. About 3 or 4 mouth ago it has started to be a fifth. He says he’s in a rut and cannot get out. And for the life of me I cannot get him out.

When he drinks heavily, I am a demon. Doesn’t matter what I say or how I say it. And most of the time I’m just trying to stand up for myself or get him to see my side of the story. To him, when he’s drunk, I point out the horrible things about him and show him how worthless he is. And i swear to you I try to tell him and build him up. For the past month we agreed that I would control the amount of liquor that was ingested. Until I remembered the wrong amount of liquor two days ago and now he’s back to drinking into oblivion.

I know its not my job to be his rehab, but we cannot afford rehab. And i don’t think he really wants to stop.

All of this. Especially when in the moment of his drunkenness, i feel the walls closing in on me. When im OVER explaining myself to tears and begging him to stop yelling. When I am slapping myself so hard I leave bruises on my legs because he doesn’t understand or won’t listen. And I’m the bad guy!

When I’ve stood in the rain behind the car so he won’t drive somewhere. When he drinks to the point of blacking out and i have to take him to the shower and get him out and listen to the drunk compliments. “Youre an angel”….. i can’t.

When I have to explain to my children that mommy has to control daddies drinking.

These are the moments I want to hurt myself. Because its never enough, and sometimes it hurts too much. And I do realize that it is a codependency relationship in alot of ways. But I was taught, treat others the way you want to be treated.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Author]

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