[heartbroken417]

I’m new here, and not even really sure where to start. I’m absolutely gutted. I have been dating a man from my hometown long distance for about 5 months. In the beginning, everything seemed perfect. We had gone to HS together and re-connected through social media, and immediately clicked. He was so attentive, kind, funny, and the best part was we could talk for hours. After a few weeks, we had our first date in person (I was in town visiting family), we both gushed about how pure our connection felt and we were both so excited. Our date was a great night of a beautiful dinner, drinking wine, and bar hopping around with no issues or signs of a problem. I went back to my city afterward, but we continued on this happy path, for almost 2 months before suddenly, he disappeared. A few days later he calls and explains that his ex wife was very sick and got a bad diagnosis that it will be terminal from the doctors, which sent him into a type of isolation mode — which to me made sense. That is a lot to process. Keep in mind, at this time, I had no idea drugs were a part of his life.

Then he disappeared for 3 more days. I didn’t understand why after talking every single day for hours, he was pulling away, and I told him how I felt…which just pushed him away more. I tried to apologize for my reaction to him needing space but the damage was done – he was gone. He went totally silent on me. I was heartbroken. I tried to justify his actions by my emotional behavior + all he was handling already with the medical status of his ex wife (and the pressures of soon being a full time dad of 2 children experiencing immense loss). I cried all of the time and reached out to him a few times with no reply.

Three weeks later I was in my hometown to see family again, and it was his birthday. I still cared so much for him, and missed him. I reached out with a simple text telling him happy birthday and was shocked when I finally got a response from him! I told him I wanted to see him, take him for a dinner to celebrate, even as friends, and he said yes. I was nervous and excited. We met that night. When he picked me up he immediately opened up to me that he had disappeared in a cocaine spiral for the last few weeks, and went into a total isolation. Work, see his kids, party, sleep, repeat. He worried he wasn’t ready for a relationship, but was trying to be better with his addiction. I was crushed, because I had gone into the evening with a lot of hope for us. And I was in shock, because I had no idea this had ever been an issue for him. He explaned that he had been using even when we were talking from the beginning – but its easy to hide when you are long distance.. Even after explaining his struggles and concerns, by the end of the dinner, he was back to telling me how amazing I was, how much he cared for me, and that he wanted to try again. It was a full 180 in just a matter of a few hours. I was (cautiously) ecstatic. We were right back where we had started, full of happiness, chatting for hours every day about our future and making plans. He even attended a few NA meetings to try to get back on track but was still not perfect. We made trips to see each other and everything was great, we were so deeply connected, expressing our love and appreciation for each other, and having so much fun… except for the cocaine. An amazing, romantic night of dinner and drinks would take a quick turn when he got desperate for a fix of cocaine. Suddenly we are awake until 9-10am because he is so high and paranoid and I am just trying to calm him. I would beg him not to do this and it was like I didn’t matter, he was on a mission. I was devastated and in so much pain watching him do this (because he always had guilt/regret following), but I loved him and I couldn’t imagine walking away. I offered to quit drinking when I’m with him if it triggered him, but it was clear he didn’t want to stop. I tried my best to just be loving and supportive, but firm that I do not approve.

We had grown so close through all of this time. Just two weeks ago he was so open and emotional with me. He told me he loved me and that he wanted to be a better man for me. He said I was the perfect partner that he prayed to God for, and wanted me to move back to my hometown and be with him. And I was ready to do that.

Fast forward to now. I’m currently sitting in my hometown sobbing. I was here just two weeks ago with him, and everything was great. In fact, the last time I saw him we took the next step in our relationship and I met his kids. Then BAM, I left town and he started being very distant. No daily phone calls. Sporadic texts. But when we DID talk, he was still sweet to me. He told me he had been partying, and very overwhelmed/anxious with the things in his life and he wanted to isolate, but it sounded like WE were still OK. I tried to be positive and supportive. I reassured him I’d be back here soon and everything would be fine….but he went quiet again. And then I arrived the other day, still to pure silence. He hadn’t spoken to me in 3 days before I got back to town. I called him multiple times, he finally answered, and that’s when it happened.

He said he cant commit to me. He doesn’t have the emotional ability or the time to commit to me. He said he just is not in a good place (particularly with the cocaine use) & doesn’t feel comfortable in his own skin. He cant deal with work, the condition of his ex, the responsibilities with his children, his partying, and me on top of everything. I asked to talk about it and he said he doesn’t want to talk. He wants to isolate. He doesn’t have time to see me. He reassured me its nothing to do with me or anything I did, but that he just doesn’t want to/can’t feel anything right now. I’m absolutely crushed. I begged him to at least see me while I’m here and try to have fun together which initially he said OK…. but now its been three more days – I’ve tried to reach him and I’ve been completely shut out. No answers to my calls or texts. I’m devastated. How is it that just a few days ago, he was telling me loved me, I met his children, we were so happy…. and now I mean nothing?

I know in my mind that I should let him go – but I love him. I’m trying to work through what has caused this behavior – and after reading some posts online and seeing others with similar experiences, I’m assuming its the cocaine. My heart hurts so much to love him this much, after all we have built, and to watch him disappear without one ounce of emotion for me – especially knowing I’m in the same city as him right now which never happens! He is choosing to shut me out.

Sorry this was so long. I would appreciate any support or similar experiences you have been through. Really needing a friend right now since I feel like I just lost my best friend to cocaine.

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