[louise33]

To anyone who reads this, I am actually posting it so that you know you’re not alone in this. Because when I found out the other day, I thought no one in the world would know this pain.

august 1st was the last normal day, I don’t remember the details very well but I wish I did. Then came the day it all came out, he told me very bluntly and cowardly. ‘I’ve done it again’. For a back ground, my boyfriend struggled with drugs before we started dating, we are now engaged and were planning a family. He informed me that it had been going on for months, I felt so sick and also very stupid. My father is an alcoholic, my brothers are addicts too, so this was all too familiar but I just couldn’t see it. He said he doesn’t know why he done it, he just wanted it. Every time I ask anything he gets angry and makes me feel like a bad person for wanting to know what happened. I’m not allowed to be angry. He is also very paranoid, and keeps mentioning me moving on somewhere else etc. I feel like I’m living a nightmare, we are still so young. I don’t know if there’s a way past this, it feels like I’m surrounded by addiction and there’s no way to help them.
I would just like to add here at the end, that you are not alone. Anyone going through this, anyone living with it and being the family. Reading stories here, has been a saviour.

[paw_x]

Hi Louise,

Sorry you’re going through this. I hear you. My partner also relapsed after 3 years of sobriety, right when we were buying our new home to start our family.

You’re allowed to be angry and you’re allowed to ask questions. A lot of anger though won’t help him if he is trying to recover from this – for that reason I had to have my partner move out as having him here all the time wasn’t good for him or me.

You didn’t cause what happened and you can’t control it or stop it. Only he can, and he needs to do all he can, it’s not your responsibility. This isn’t your fight. There are CA meetings on every day for him to get help from people going through the same thing. Letting go of that feeling that I have to help my partner, and go through this with him, was the best thing I did for me, as he needed to fight this for himself and I can’t put my everything into something I have zero control over. If I can tell you anything it’s to look after yourself, think about what you want from life, and to try and find your own peace in all this.

Him mentioning you moving on is probably the addiction telling him “you can keep doing this, you’ll lose her anyway”. It’s a way of justifying what he’s doing, why bother stopping. I hope he gets himself to meetings and makes a go at recovery, but you take care of yourself and don’t forget that you matter too. These forums really helped me feel less alone too as it’s one of those things nobody understands until they’ve been through it x

[Author]

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