[maddie38450]

I guess I just really needed a space to vent and get my feelings out and while looking on the internet for advice on what to do, I stumbled across this website and figured I’d share what I’m going through in case anyone could offer any support or encouragement. So I myself am in recovery from addiction. I met my boyfriend at a therapy center (which is frowned upon and doomed from the start) however, things went well for about 5 months in the beginning. Then we both had relapsed and we’re using together. This on and off went on for about a year and I could not put much significant clean time together. Finally after a 7 month long relapse I decided to go to treatment again, and also break up with my boyfriend because I realized he was not helping in my recovery journey and we were both causing harm to each other. In my process of trying to stay clean (I now have 6 months) he has not been able to. I stopped talking to him for several months due to his using and lies, but he went to treatment and promised me things would be different when he got out. I decided to give him another chance. Everything was going well but that only lasted a very short time. I had set some boundaries that if we were to remain together he would need to take recovery seriously and get a sponsor and go to meetings and therapy. He made little to no effort and lied or made excuses about how he couldn’t do any of these things. It wasn’t long until he was back to using heroin once again. I came over his house unaware that he was going to be high and I found crack, Adderal, and a bag of dope on the table. He gaslighted and manipulated me trying to tell me it wasn’t his when it obviously was because there was no one else home and he was obviously high. Then he began to destroy his house and become angry toward me. I tried my best to keep my cool but I was so angry as I have been in this situation so many times with him and he doesn’t ever change. He lies straight to my face and tries to make me feel like I’m crazy even though I had perfect evidence he was getting high. The relationship is so toxic and it is nothing but a setback to me. I myself have never had a problem with heroin, even though I had problems with other substances, so it makes it even harder for me to understand how he could possibly act this way. I ended up leaving his house and leaving him home alone which I felt extremely guilty for because I was so scared that he would overdose and no one would be there to Narcan him, but I couldn’t stay there with him and see him in that state. On top of everything he was being so mean to the point it scared me. I told his mom but she is also an addict who enables him completely and she told me he passed a drug test so she let him stay at the house. I sent her video evidence that I found drugs at the house but he must’ve used fake pee to pass the test. She is on vacation so there wasn’t much she could do but I have a feeling when she gets back she will continue to enable him. Our entire relationship he hasn’t had a job, he crashed the car I gave him, and he doesn’t have many aspirations in life. As for me, I have been working extremely hard to rebuild my life and I just enrolled back into college so I cannot handle the stress that he brings into my life on top of working and school and my own mental health and recovery.

Even after all this, I still love him. And I worry about him constantly when he doesn’t answer the phone. I know that I am powerless over this situation but I’m so scared he is going to die and that I’m going to feel guilty that I could’ve been there to prevent it somehow. Although I recognize that it is not my responsibility to watch over him constantly. I hate the way he makes me feel and I wish I could just move on and find someone healthier and better.

If anyone has anything to say on this matter or can relate please share.

If you made it this far thank you for reading.

[vivvief]

I have never been an addict but my brother has been a heroin addict for fifty years! My story is on here if you want to read it, and I know exactly what you are going through. You have done so well in your own recovery, please think about yourself and how strong you are to be rebuilding your life. Your boyfriend just isn’t ready to stop and there is nothing you can do about it, you have nothing to feel guilty for and it is awful watching someone you love slowly destroy themselves. Try and set boundaries with him so that you are not constantly worrying, easy to say, hard to do.

My brother has been as high as a kite and looked me in the eye and said he is clean, you know in your heart what he is doing, you don’t need drug tests to prove it.

I am not sure if this is a help, but just to show you that you are not alone, I am here.

[maddie38450]

Thank you so much, I read your story. and this is helpful to me knowing that I’m not alone & that is good advice to set boundaries so I feel less guilty

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