[bella01]

This is all completely new to me and can honestly say this is a position I never thought I would ever be in in my life and I am at a point I don’t no where to turn .

Me and my partner have been together a year or so and it was love instantly . I knew he did drugs occasionally on a night out but never ever thought t was a problem . I have never done drugs before so maybe I was naive to it who knows .

Anyway the problem is so bad now that he’s doing it most days but will lie about it and refuse to answer the phone while I’m at work . He finishes work at around 1 so feels he has enough time before I’m home . He absolutely trashes the house as he gets so paranoid and if I’m around and he’s done it he will search my things and question me and it’s just awful .

He’s admitted he has a problem and I started taking him to CA meetings and he was clean for 10 days but he started again about a month ago and is so bad again .

I just called him and he’s high and I just don’t no what to do .

I have no one to talk to as my family are very posh and would judge him and I love him so so much and his family are the same they don’t have a clue .

I feel like if we move away from our home things could get better but he won’t .

I just felt like I needed a ‘friend’ to talk to and thought I would seek that on here .

I really hope to be able to help other people aswell by sharing our stories and helping each other .

X

[dnanon]

Hi Bella, sorry to hear about your situation. If you read some of the other posts you will find others in the same position as yourself so you are not alone and you may be able to get some info. With regard to your situation if your partner doesn’t want to stop there is little you can do and sorry to say but it will only get worse. It depends if you want to stay with him if he is going to continue taking cocaine. He has admitted he has a problem but what does he intend to do about it? Perhaps encourage him to attend the CA meetings again. Don’t know how close you are to his parents but my son’s exes would hint to us that he wasn’t sleeping at night etc.

Not sure if this will help . . .

[bella01]

Not really sure how to use this – sorry if the other message doesn’t come through right

[dnanon]

Hi Bella, yes your messages are coming through fine. I really do feel for you. It doesn’t sound like he is committed to quitting although he does go to the meetings. Perhaps he would benefit from 1-1 meetings with a counsellor. My son did this for a while. I think if it is a group meeting individual people can just go along with it and maybe take a back seat. Just advice but what about if you put your foot down and said you aren’t prepared to stay with him if these are the choices he is making. My son has ended up losing two good relationships with his partners and not seeing his two children for quite some time. He is back seeing his kids now and he messaged me the other day but that’s after a few months of no response. I am doubtful that he has stopped as he has been doing this off and on for 10 years now. It’s early days for you but like I said before if he continues it will only get much worse. I’m not trying to scare you just prepare.

You take care and let me know how you get on x

[bella01]

Hello ,

Thank you so much for the reply it really means a lot .

He goes to the meetings – leaves and has all intentions of not using again and then he does . And now it’s got really bad . He has been on it all night now and I just feel mentally drained .

I want to be with him and help him but I don’t no what more I can do .

I am close with his family but he would be absolutely furious if I told them as they are a very strict family .

Your message really helped. Just nice to be able to finally talk to someone about it .

I hope your son is now okay x

[lemonysnicket]

Hi Bella

I’m sorry you are going through this. My husband is a recovering cocaine addict. Much of his use was hidden from me and whilst now he is in recovery our marriage hasn’t survived. I agree with DNAnon, it is likely to get much worse. You can’t really help, no matter how much you want to, it has to come from him and it sounds like he is a long way off getting better. Think about what is best for you and try to put yourself first. Unless he is committed to recovery it will be very hard for you.

[danman83]

Id tell his family.. i told my mum and asked for help and i was ashamed of my self. But she checks and helps me alot. He needs support to fight this disease, not to keep it all locked up inside.

Ive lapsed 1 time bella since new years eve. I hate the stuff. But when i have alcohol.. i need to get some coke. So i have quit it.

Ill tell you what i have done to quit and hope it helps

Firstly .. he must want to quit.. thats the main thing. Then the rest will fall in to place but its hard.

He needs to cut off everyone to do with coke! Friends, dealers.. even family who take it. Delete all there numbers. Dont block there numbers as they stay on the phone.. delete them!

Avoid alcohol.. going to the pub. Just stick to nice meals or cinema or things like this.

Avoid trigger points.. i.e.. corner shop were he picked coke up.. or driving past houses were hes partied. This makes you want to get coke.

Come off all social media! Start a new life.. change things.. start going the gym.. walking.. reading.. decorating.. anything.

And watch louise clarke on you tube on crack cocaine part 123.. this women is an expert in it all.. and she will explain it soo well what it does and how to stop.

Hope this helps. Just ask if you need out bella

[lemonysnicket]

I agree again with Danman83. If I had a time machine, I would have told my husband’s parents, and mine, as soon as I found out. Addiction thrives on secrecy. Don’t underestimate how bad things can get – you need all the support you can get. I also watched the Louise Clarke videos on youtube – very helpful in helping you as the non-addict what is going on in the addict brain. Good luck – I hope things get better for you all.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Bella,

I’m sorry to read your post and sad that you have no one in your family or a friend you can talk with.

These guys on this blog are right that your boyfriend has got to accept that he needs help himself before he will be able to get it. However, if you felt that you need a bit more help for yourself, maybe you would contact us at The Icarus Trust.

We are a charity that offers support to people like yourself because we know how hard it is to live with another’s addiction. If you contact us I can put you in touch with one of our trained and experienced people who might be able to help you.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck to you.

[georgia26]

Hi Bella

I was in the same position as you, a year in, thought it was recreational use but I was naive and very very wrong.

You will slowly realise that no matter what you say or do, if he doesnt admit the problem and seek professional help (and he needs to really want it) then nothing will change.

Addiction is so confusing to a non addict, i went through shouting/screaming/cryin g/threatening and it DOESNT work as cocaine is number 1.. and it sounds like I am being harsh but honestly, addiction is the most confusing thing i have ever come across.

He will lie and manipulate – i personally based on my own experience would absolutely run a mile while you can. I literally ended up mentally drained from it, you honestly cant help him HE MUST help himself… its really tough to accept, as you want to believe more than anything theyll change but if hes in denial and even his family arent aware I cant see it getting better anytime soon – his family need to know.

As for the CA meetings, they didnt help my partner – they actually seemed to make him worse – but thats just my experience

How much is he doing per day? do you have kids etc?

Youve come to the right place, i would suggest you read through some threads.. as lots of us have been in your shoes and can give honest advice xx

[maxine]

Hi

I am in a similar position only we don’t live together.I only thought it was recreation until I left my husband then it all came to light.

Addicts especially cocaine heads are 2 people are you as thier partner are on the same rollercoaster.When they are up and when they are down.

It is absolutely heart breaking to watch someone you love be controlled by a substance.

He has to want to get help.

Nothing will work until he does.

I have spent so much time crying my heart out.Get out and live on your own if you can then at least you can bypass the comedowns and he can’t spend all your money.

My heart goes out to you.xxxx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Bella,

I’m sorry to read your post and see the impact that your boyfriend’s drug habit is having on you. So sad that you haven’t got people around you that you feel you can talk to.

I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We offer support to people dealing with a partner’s addiction as we know how hard this can be. If you contact us I could put you in touch with one of our trained and very experienced people who would understand what you are going through. If you think it would help talking please get in touch. May be it would help you to feel not so alone.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Take care and good luck.

[eo228]

Hi Bella, I know you posted this a year ago but how are things now? I feel exactly the same as you, I cannot tell anyone and feel trapped and lonely. I don’t know what to do, how can he get help? I don’t think he would talk to anyone face to face.

[Author]

Posts