[shan1234]

I have been with my partner for around 9/10 months now. He’s a wonderful man, works hard, faithful & our relationship has been full of love, happiness & laughter. Until now…

Since lockdown he has been drinking more which has led to him relapsing on cocaine, he was clean for a while before we met. It started from him doing a line with drinking & through the weeks has worsened to him doing it at work, drinking after work. He’s become distance, absent, lack of sex drive.

We have no stress, financially we are good, we have no children so no additional pressures. I do not know what has triggered this behaviour.

He has left me in the last 2 days, he had an episode of doing cocaine and downing a bottle of vodka within an hour, I am a nurse and the best thing for me to do was to call an ambulance; I would never of forgiven myself if he did not wake up.

Upon calling the ambulance for the first time he become aggressive & verbally abusive and just not him. I’ve packed his things now, he’s gone back to his parents & hasn’t tried to contact me, or even try and show any remorse he’s just said ‘I’m lost atm, I’ll collect my stuff Sunday’.

I am heartbroken, I’ve blocked his number etc as I can’t talk to him right now, I don’t know if I can ever get past this, it’s not what I signed up for. No one has a clue about his habit apart from me and his family, I don’t want to talk about it to people as I don’t want them to have a negative opinion on my relationship. I’m so broken right now x

[mo229]

Hi Shan1234,

Your story really resonates with mine so I can completely understand how you’re feeling. I had been with my boyfriend for a similar amount of time, and we were in a loving, happy and committed relationship. When we got back together (we had broken up a few years prior due to drugs), he had been clean for a few months and was fully committed to this ‘new life’ and staying sober. However, he relapsed a few months ago and struggled even more so having to go into lockdown away from me. I tried to support him, but I couldn’t help but get angry and upset when he would get blind drunk as I knew he was choosing to go down this path again. This then led to him being distant breaking up with me abruptly, telling me he ‘doesn’t know what he wants’ and that he doesn’t love me and needs to be on his own. Which came a shock to me when just a couple of weeks prior he was gushing about how much he adored me. None of it made sense. I sent him endless messages of support even though I was hurt, I got stonewalled. So I then decided to stand up for myself, and I got hurled loads of abuse back, with him telling me that I’m the one who needs help, I’m selfish etc.

We haven’t spoken since and it’s now been over a month. I’m still waiting for him to get in contact, and I have no idea why. I’m beside myself every day worrying about him as I know he’s just gone down that hole again and I’m so confused with the sudden loss of emotion, no remorse and no interest in resolving our relationship when he said it meant everything to him just weeks ago. I too am completely heartbroken, there is no understanding or rationalising their actions.

I’ve been doing a lot of research in these past few weeks into cocaine and relapses. I think what I’ve come to realise is how much I underestimated the power that it plays on an addicts mind and alters their thought processes. You can’t rationalise what they do. Once they’re in the grip of it again, nothing else matters. If, like my partner, he saw you as a hinderance to him living ‘that life’ again and going on a binge, he will just shut you out and your feelings will not even come into consideration, they will not care. I only know this from previous conversations I’ve had with my boyfriend. I think deep down they do love us in their own way, but can’t cope with life so will just shut it out completely rather than deal with it.

I think it’s really important during this time to surround yourself with a support network. I think you should confide in at least one person you can trust, if not use this forum or call a helpline. My boyfriend has done this to me twice now over a four year period, so I think, regardless of if he comes back to me and apologise in the future, I think for my own sanity I need to keep moving forward because a life with an addict will always be painful and unpredictable, and I’ve had to learn the hard way. I am not saying you should give up on your boyfriend completely, but just weigh up your options. Maybe write him a letter saying that you will always love him and you are ready to support him when he’s ready, so you’ve left that open line of communication, but don’t wait around for him to change. Whilst we don’t have children and financial ties, I think it’s really important to put ourselves first and really realise what we need and deserve, which I don’t think we will get from our partners in the long term.

I’m here if you need to reach out, it’s a difficult journey. x

[shan1234]

I can’t ever thank you enough for this response. I’m sitting it bed having a good cry right now. Thank you for understand and I’m truly sorry you’re feeling this pain, because it’s painful. I feel like I’m grieving for someone who is alive.

Exactly what you said, either way I’m sad and scared because if I decide to forgive it means this will happen again in the future, this will not be the last time and I would be fooling myself if I did. But I feel like he isn’t going to come back this time now. It’s as though he wanted me to end it. Ever since lockdown he has found me a bit boring, we would always be out having fun, having drinks at the pub. Ever since not being able to go out and do all of this he always tries to get me to drink with him at home, I don’t because I don’t enjoy that I like to social drink and secondly because I want to help him by not encouraging. I’m 24 & he’s 36, I just want to shake him and scream and say ‘why don’t you dare why just why’ but I know you cannot make someone care. Hopefully one day this will all be a distant memory.

I can’t thank you enough for replying to me on here and taking the time to share your similar experience. I was a bit scared to use something like this.

If you would also like to talk please just give me a message, thank you so much again. I really hope things will get better and he will one day come to his senses but until then you just do you because you seem a wonderful person xx

[mo229]

You’re most welcome lovely. It’s a deeply isolating place to be, you’re dealing with two different people, almost like schizophrenia (which can be bought on by cocaine). And essentially we’re just dealing with grief of losing our loving loyal partners so suddenly with no real clarity.

When he first did this to me I was also 24, and believe me I hung on years after, I would continuously message him, constantly checking his social media, believing he would change and realise what he’s thrown away for drugs. I really believed him when he said he had changed, hence why I took him back. And he was so convincing, every single day until one day he just switched again out of nowhere. And like I said even if he becomes clear headed again in the future, whats to say years down the line when potentially kids are involved, he will just switch again and again. I think until they are REALLY ready and fully committed, we are always going to lose. Your boyfriend is 36 and is still behaving like my 26 year old ex. He’s not showing any REAL commitment to staying clean, and I despair that unfortunately I think that’s the life they’ve been tied to now and they have a long and difficult road ahead. It’s up to us now to not be dragged down with it too. You have done everything in your power to support your guy, he should have been so grateful for you calling that ambulance but instead you were hit with abuse. How is that humanly right? I’m 28 and you’re 24, we are still young and have every option now to walk away from this mess whilst we can. For so long I’ve been depending on my ex for my happiness even whilst we were apart, I so desperately wanted to help him and I know I can’t do that anymore.

For now, I’ve blocked him on everything, the damage is done and like you, I don’t think I could move past what’s happened even if he were to reach out. So I’m practicing some mindfulness, looking at this forum, healing myself and making some new plans for the future. Which I think you should too because we don’t deserve this sh*t 🙂 thank you for your kind words too, it’s really helped to pick me up!

Kel1, thank you for your kind words, don’t get me wrong, I have spent most of my days crying…I like to come on here to word vomit, it’s a good form of therapy! I read your stories and I absolutely admire your strength, it’s painful enough as it is let alone having them do it to your children as well. It’s proof that drugs will literally come over EVERY kind of love when they’re in the grips of it. It’s unfathomable. You should be so proud of yourself for choosing a better life for yourself and I promise that you will find so much happiness again, things will only go up from now on. You would never have been happy staying with your partner whilst drugs are involved, and even if he came back, what he has done to you and put you through is unforgettable and unforgiveable. There are much nicer people who are more deserving of our love out there, I’m sure of it!

It’s time now to heal ourselves! Sending lots of love and strength girls xxx

[kel1]

Thank you for those words of encouragement, and you’re right my ex has hurt me in the worse way, as well as his own children. I’ve cried and cried also to the point of exhaustion.

Addicts become very selfish and end up so unstable they couldn’t sustain any healthy relationship anyway so it’s impossible to see a future.

I’m learning to take care of myself instead of worrying about him and what he is doing. He doesn’t look healthy, he looks awful. By the time his madness ends, hopefully I will be strong enough (and have moved on) to tell him NO thanks.

[mo229]

You’re right, every time I find myself in pain over the potential fact he will find someone else, I think realistically they can’t sustain a healthy relationship with anyone whilst drugs are involved, they will never be able to compromise and they will always think selfishly, it comes above everything. The only person who would put up with it is someone else who uses. And you must keep reminding yourself in the long term, you will be the best off here. You have a new shot at happiness, whereas he will always be relying on some kind of ‘fix’ and he’ll always be battling with these demons for the rest of his life. Even whilst my boyfriend was clean and relatively happy, when i think about it I was always on edge, every time he went out or he went quiet for a period of time I would panic, i was always treading on eggshells and i was always scared he was just gonna leave me again, which he proved to do. It’s so hard when you’ve been codependent on someone for so long, but a life with an addict will always be painful and chaos so even though this pain is intense right now, i really have hope we will be much better off without them in the long run.

[kel1]

Codependency and intensity is what I’ve been dealing with for the last six months. I cannot believe how I relied on my ex for as much as I did. I feel a mix of emotion about that, fear, abandonment, insecure and so much more. I’m also frightened all of this will affect my future relationships, as in will I ever allow myself to fully trust another person. I don’t want to be a bitter person, but all of this has hurt me so much. I’m just despondant, different to how I was.

I’m pretty sure you’re right about them ever finding a loving healthy relationship whilst on that stuff. It’s all so destructive which has many layers of nasty.

I wouldn’t say it’s “excitement” they’re missing out on, it’s the inability to sit comfortably with themselves and live a healthy life.

One thing I do know when I was trying to understand it all I just felt insane. I had to remove myself from my ex in the end because he was really unkind/unrecognizable. By nature I’m a nice person and id always help him, despite what his done to us all, however I would not go back to that hell ever again.

[shan2311]

I am so glad I have seen these messages I feel like it is a sign and just what I needed to read. Iv been with my partner almost 4 years, engaged a year , I have 2 children from previous relationship 4 & 10 who love him dearly and I do too. I can’t switch off caring and he needs help he is not himself. I really beleive that and I’m kind of at a loss how to push on. Everything was so perfect until I said it’s getting too much , now I am controlling and miserable . Your stories describe my situation better than I could of , I am financially tied to this man ,he’s a great step dad and fiancé otherwise , perfect , he has made our house into a home .I want to support him but I need to put my kids and my sanity first. Totally at a loss . X

[louise1505]

Wow ur boyfriend sounds like mine! Crying one minute how much he loves me kids then disappearing the next it’s too much isn’t it and I don’t think they even realise the pain caused ?!! Sad thing is I have 3 boys who have lost a dad to it and he shows little interest unless suits him and has no remorse wat so ever it’s crazy xx

[mo229]

Yep the weekend before he left me he was crying to me about wanting to stay sober and how much he wants our relationship to work, and then boom, he disappears! I cannot understand how they can do it to their own kids, but it just goes to show the power of cocaine and talking to everyone on here, its crazy how the same patterns of behaviour repeat! It shows us that we aren’t the crazy ones and we have absolutely NOTHING to be blamed for. You nor your kids deserve any of this xx

[cali111]

Oh my gosh your story sounds so much like mine. I too was just so stunned that a couple weeks prior to finding out about my husbands drug use (he stopped coming home, turned into a complete monster with no emotion towards me – I found a text message which said he was using cocaine in this time) he was professing his undying love to me and taking about our future family. Then poof just gone. All within a couple weeks. He said HOW DIDNT YOU SEE THIS COMING? I was just shocked. It’s now been 2.5 months since he left… and he has no plans of coming back. He is a complete different person. And I get so confused as he can act normal on the phone but I have to remember what those last few weeks were like when he was here… why would he have stopped now. And has not owned up to anything. We had an amazing life. How are you coping? And have you heard from him since? I did not see this coming and am still trying to fathom this is what has happened to our previous life. Xo

[kel1]

My story is on here also and Ive gone through and still going thru hell. I was with my partner for 22 years, have two children and have been left absolutely heartbroken to the point It nearly destroyed me.

Mo 229 you speak with such strength and wisdom. I am still Mending my heart. My ex partner went from a wonderful loyal family man that adored us all to a monster. I don’t recognize him at all. It’s been six months and he doesn’t care, contact his children and has walked away, although in the end I asked him to leave. I had too. He cheated on me and this really broke my spirit. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

All I do is focus on getting thru one day at a time. At first I was sad every single day but now I have better days. At first I lost weight, my hair fell out and I was broken both my heart and my mind. I push forward but it’s so very hard every day.

Sending you both warm wishes and healing

[lostbear]

Hrm. It’s tough reading this. I am on the other side of the fence. I’m the boyfriend/fiance with 2 kids together, a stable house, decent job and prospects.

Coke started as something others were doing on a night out. Then i tried some, enjoyed it, then carried on the more I socialised. Then people were doing it before work, they were high performers, I tried it, liked it. Went from there…

Now I have a secret addiction and I dont know why. When im sober, things are really relaxed and nice but the slightest feeling of frustration or irritation and I just go to it. It’s a bit of a “ahh f*** it what does it matter” moment. Partially feeling like self-sabotage because im so low.

When I’m on it, I am distant, anxious, guilty and have some degree of excitement in my belly. Part of me wonders if I’m happy in the relationship, but I couldn’t ask for anything better. I think I just seek space and to do ‘bloke stuff’ but feel like that’s taking liberties because my partner is also dealing with a lot of stress and depression due to lockdown/kids/etc

It’s a feeling of being trapped and coke/booze is an escape to an extent.

I have sought help and am working on coming off it.

Honestly, the thing that would really blow my mind is if my partner was like “right, kids are in bed, lets whack on music on, put a disco light on, get a deck of cards, have a line each and a couple of drinks and a laugh”

I think the concept of her participating sounds fun and exciting, but it would really hit home if she went through with it. I care for her, and wouldn’t want her to get stuck in the same place I am.

Everyone’s circumstances are different but I always like to approach problems by doing something completely out of the ordinary. The results are normally very interesting.

Wishing you all good luck and if anyone wants to chat feel free to get in touch

[louise1505]

U sound like my ex boyfriend and how he started – we have two children And I had a son from a previous relationship which he took on has his own – he started slowly and I had. I idea I thought he was depressed drinking he would switch on me out of no where days after saying he loved me and begging for chances – our youngest is 2 Half and it’s gone on since I was pregnant he barely knows his dad – I ended up kicking him out but we kept rebuilding failing coz he wud switch and disappear every week – I couldn’t cope with it it made me so ill on top of having 3 children yet he dint get y I turned cold on him -will he ever ? He now still blames me as much as himself coz I reacted so badly to his ways but I had no clue wat he was doing until jan this year wen he told me- he said he wanted to rebuild get help and be the best dad – by the end of the week he’d gone bk to not answering the phone and I lost it I rang that phone about 50 times till he answered and he went mad saying I was psycho needed help and I’m being dramatic and to not ring him again- after that we didn’t see him till may my sons birthday- and he now denies it fully he said it’s laughable I think he has a drug problem?!! I’m so so angry at him I can’t get past it I wana shake him I just duno wat to do I duno where he lives or who with he lives a secret life and wants to just contact kids wen suits him then disparea again with no answers – my middle son his oldest is 7 and is very upset and confused by it all – he was meant to be probing himself by rebuilding trust and ringing him at 3pm every Tuesday my son sat last Tuesday and was let down for 3rd time out of 6 calls sat waiting for dad to ring him ! He had no reason wat so ever not to ! Iv now blocked all contact but I’m so angry I feel like I need answers I can’t get closure wat so ever like this I’m left to pick up the pieces and now questioninumy sanity – have I imagined it all? Am I being dramatic? Xx

[laylab1]

How are you doing?

[kel1]

I don’t think we will ever get closure or the answers we seek because what we are dealing with is an addict, and addicts are irrational, selfish, irresponsible, sick, manipulative, lying, selfish (oops said that’s already) cold, self centered unwell individuals.

Focus on you. Otherwise you’ll be going around and around in circles getting nowhere fast a part from making yourself unwell and as destructive as them.

Healthy people do not think, feel and behave the same way as an unhealthy person.

Big hugs

[kittenmitten]

You are not being dramatic. You have been let down and your children have been let down. You still fought for your children to have a relationship with their dad because you wanted their lives to feel normal. For them to feel loved.

Trouble is our partners seem unable to love anyone right now. Least if all themselves. How do you change that? No amount of excitement or life changes is going to work without them getting help and ditching the cocaine or other substances. We can try as hard as we like but in the end all we end up doing is hurting our own self esteem or self worth until they are ready to actually seek help.

I would be there if my husband turned around and said he wanted to go to the gp and get clean. I would be willing to help him. I think the door is never closed because of our child. But without that we end up going in circles.

[sar1]

Hi there,

I found this online and could relate i had to come on as I dont really have anyone thats knows the full extent of what I’m going through.

I am with my boyfriend a year and a half now. I know him many years before this so know his mam passed away 2 years ago, we got together and everything was fine obviously I knew he was gonna be down about his mam, fastfoward a little bit as I dont want this to be too long he know admits he has a serious cocaine addiction. In the last 2 weeks he has started CA meetings. But has relapsed. It has gotten so bad with him that one day he had a physcosis moment and fully believed I snuck someone into the house he kept pulling at my pants thinking someone was playing with me. He becomes extremely verbally abusive towards me and now on a normal day he is extremely paranoid (he smokes weed too) to the point where I cant even have a shower and he is questioning it , I got a taxi up to his house the other day and the first thing he said to me when he opened the door was why did you get out of the taxi over there. He questions everything always has bad feelings. This is just the start of it I could write a book. Over lock down I have been living with him but I feel like my own mental health is really suffering and trying g to reassure him that im not up to anything with anyone else and hoping he doesn’t take it is really taking its toll, I feel like everyday everything is about him and his problems. I cant keep doing it , I feel like I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown and im sorry if all of this doesn’t make sense but I jumped on straight away when I saw yere stories.

I hope ye are all OK xxx

[atwhy]

My fiance went through covid 19 and had to stay in for 2 weeks , so he got depressed at home and relapsed on cocaine , he was clean since before we met…he used to speak of drugs as something he would never get to , something that now disgusts him…He was abroad preparing our home since we were supposed to get married in 2 months , i could feel a change in behavior but i just thought that it could be post covid fatigue…he’s been taking for atleast 2 weeks now , i picked him up from the airport a week ago , and thats when i realized that he was on drugs…the day after he was still “good to me” Since he thought he was still hiding it…when things became clear and He took his first line in front of me , and saw the sadness and fear in my eyes, thats when everything changed. He became aggressive , easily irritated and is asking me to leave him alone…i have been crying since then, i can’t see myself without him , all im trying to do is be next to him , and he refuses me..we were preparing for our wedding. He has been admitted to the hospital 2 days ago and is now under cure…and im here waiting and hoping he’ll come back to his senses after his body is clean , i don’t even know if he meant all he said or not , i am just hurt lost and confused .

[icarus-trust]

Hi Shan,

I’m so sorry to read of the problems you are having with your partner due to his drug habit. I’m glad you’re getting support from this forum. If you would like any more help please contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people like you having to deal with their partner’s addiction. We have specially trained Family Friends you could talk with if you think it would help.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[pinkpuff]

These stories plus mainnly first 2 resonate with me alot, I’ve been with my partner nearly 2 years he was very open how he used to do coke everyday and was very unhappy then he met me didn’t do it for months and lovkdown came and suddenly he decided to try it again and it’s now every 2 days he says its not that often but it is. Weird on coke hes very affectionate to me maybe too much and I started to get uncomfortable I confronted him last night finally and said I’m sorry but I don’t like you on coke I want you to try stop it’s not good etc you know and he went into I’m so sorry etc all this now morning comes I’m at work today and he’s calling me names on text saying I’m the one who needs to change, he cab do whatever he wants whenever he wants I can’t stop him etc Im like wtf completely changed his tune now he’s sober and its annoying. When he’s on coke he recognises it’s a issue and tells me how sorry he is then next day here we are again somehow it’s my fault and I’m no fun etc…..

[rexis]

Hi, I was with my ex from the age of 22 until 29. Whilst he had always had an addictive personality I largely tried to put it to the back of my mind. As his job got more stressful and he was doing better and better at work the drinking and cocaine became a more and more intense. He had always drank everyday even when he was ill with flu and coughing his guts out. But when you’re in your early 20s you don’t think too much about how unusual it is for someone to be drinking every day. One night after 4 years together he was violent and threw things at me after a drunken/coked up evening. The neighbours called the police and my heart broke watching him being handcuffed over our dining room table and taken off to a police cell. Whilst the police were hoping I’d press charges I just couldn’t because I didn’t want him to loose his job and at the time I thought I would be strong enough to let go and finish the relationship. We ended up getting back together after a few months, by which time he was taking cocaine daily, I assume as a way to deal with our breakup. By the end of the relationship after years of begging and pleading with him to get help. Years of broken promises and so many heartbreaking times of him crying his eyes out and admitting that he needed help, nothing changed. He loved me and I loved him but it wasn’t enough to keep us together. I’d be blamed constantly for his reasons as to why he drinks, why he stays out, why he’s so unhappy. Then the next day he’d say sorry. He’d promise that he was not taking drugs, only to find them in his pocket. We were supposed to be saving up to buy a house, then I found out he was in thousands of pounds of debt and had pay day loans out. That was the last straw. I left. That was over two years ago now. Yet sadly enough I still love him. He’s since been with someone else who also takes drugs and from what I understand she has also come to the same conclusion as I. Unfortunately there is no helping some people. Love is not enough to keep you with someone. When they are not showing you the same level of love, trust or respect you have no choice but to walk away and get the support instead you need from your friends and family. I do hope you all manage to escape the toxicity and find some peace. It is utterly heartbreaking and soul destroying to watch someone you love kill themselves and your relationship but if they don’t want to change they won’t change. It would only be if he lost his job I think that would be what may make him change his mind.

[broken32]

I am so sorry yous are dealing with this right now!! It’s hard to watch addiction as I have watched my significant other become addicted to meth! The old loving person I used to know, no longer exists. It was such a heartbreaking 4 years as he would leave me for 2 days and never come home! No matter how hard he tried to sober up it was always disappointing just knowing that’s all he thought about! He used to be a family man, so sweet and loving! It’s terrifying what that drug has turned him into! Run as far as you can because the longer we stay around the more we will feel crazy! I’m here for you ladies!!

[Author]

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