[hollieb97]

Hey guys,

I’ve been browsing through google and stumbled across this website and I am so pleased, especially as I’m reading stories I feel I can relate to.

Just to briefly explain, I’ve only been with my partner 5 months now ‘officially’ but we’ve been talking/meeting since July 2020. The first time I met my partner was 4am one morning, we’d ‘met’ online but he came to mine completely intoxicated by cocaine and alcohol (he binges on the two). Anyway that was all fine, I accepted that’s who he is… bla bla bla. We got together properly in September, in which by this point he had already slept with his ex multiple times (when using cocaine) and anyway, he did it again once we became ‘official’ but, slightly beside the point.

ANYWAY, he uses cocaine and 2-3 times a week and binge drinks as well, he will say he’s not going to but almost ‘relapses’ and just does it… trying to hide it from me when he returns home as we now live together but, it’s pretty obvious!

I’m struggling at the moment, coping with his mood swings due to the cocaine use. One moment he’s fine, telling me I’m the only person he wants to ever marry, compliments me, the list goes on AND then, there’s another side. He HATES me. He’s so irritable, so snappy, picks out every fault possible which I have, it’s actually knocking my confidence.

Now, for once in my life I am extremely laid back however, I just wondered if anyone would be able to help?

How do I manage and what do I do when somebody is in an ‘irritable/depressive’ cocaine comedown phase?

A few weeks ago, it was was dreadful, he even admitted he felt depressed and hated me but I don’t know what I’m doing wrong and I don’t know how to support/step back. If I act too distant he gets paranoid and it makes him worse but then if I say too much I feel he becomes more irritable.

I really hope you guys can lend me some advice – I’d be really grateful.

Hollie

[samsung8]

That’s what I’m dealing with if I say something its akes worst if I say nothing I have to live in it and he snap at me or he does nothing just wants me to to everything I feel like I cant just say nothing as it’s like I’m saying it’s ok when it’s not so I’m stuck

[mrpopple]

Hollie, from personal experience. I haven’t told my girlfriend about my problem, I wish I could. If she did know I wouldn’t want her giving me a hard time. The best thing you can do is not to feed their habit, don’t give him any money and try to take control of their finances if you can. My work colleague has a worse habit than myself, and he recently started getting all of his wages paid into a joint account so his partner can track his spending.

[mrpopple]

Also he doesn’t hate you, he just loves cocaine more and the cocaine makes him think that you get in the way. That sounds horrible but when you get the craving you don’t think of anything else. However the day after I binge I always resent it and feel guilty, especially on my loved ones.

[hollieb97]

Thanks for replying.

The trouble is, that I’m finding it difficult to understand as I never stop him from going out, I’m completely laid back over it, and I never say that I mind him doing it. Sooo, I’m just really stuck!

[lizzie1210]

Hollie, if you don’t mind me saying, it seems as though there are quite a few red flags aside from the cocaine and binge drinking. Cheating whilst you are official and being unkind to you. You say that this has affected your confidence. You’re relatively early on in the relationship, and that should be when he’s on ‘best behaviour’ and still in the honeymoon phase. Honestly, if it was a friend telling me this I would be upset to hear that she was being treated in this way.

I have a close relative addicted to cocaine and alcohol and he simply can’t sustain a relationship. To be honest, I don’t blame the few girls he has seen over the last few years who have left him, because the drugs make him a very difficult person to be around. He is unpredictable, paranoid and unreliable due to his illness.

I’d say that if you had been together for years or had kids together then it may be different, but this early on it may be better to step back. You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t put you down, someone who can make an effort for you. When lockdown ends, you want to be able to go out on dates at the weekend not waiting for him to sleep off the effects of his comedown. You can point him in the direction of support services, but it will be down to him to commit to changing his behaviour.

[danman83]

Hiya hope your OK. I’m the same as your bf but I am now 7 weeks clean from coke. I have finally joined CA anonymous and its helping me so much.

Anyway.. If he doesn’t want to quit, it’s just going to carry on and on and get worse. One of the biggest problems with coke is the come downs when it’s wearing off, it sends you depressed and suicidal for days. If he is doing this 2 to 3 times a week. He is never gonna be giving time for his brain chemicals (dopamine, serotonin) to get back to normal. So this is why he probably is nasty.

My opinion is.. You haven’t been with him long, think of your self and move on. He needs to work on him self and recovery if he wants to. Don’t get trapped with a kid and a vicious circle of lies and using. Hope this helps. Feel free to ask me anything

[icarus-trust]

Hi Hollie,

So sorry to hear your story and I notice that you are asking for some help. You might like to contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that offers help to people like you who are living with someone with addictions. We know that this is difficult and we have trained and experienced people we call family friends who would help you if you get in touch. They would listen and help you to find a way ahead and tell you what other help would be available.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[smh1987]

Hi Hollie,

I can relate to you in some way, my now ex partner is using and in fact dealing cocaine 2-3 times a week, we split up 4 months ago then he returned after 2 months saying all the usual things “I’m sorry” “I don’t deserve you” “your too good to me” he admitted he was in a lot of debt with it, his mum bails him out a lot of the time, what I would say and I think a lot of others say in a similar situation is you can’t do it for them, they have to want too for themselves and that can take a very long time, please please don’t let him treat you this way, I’m 34 and if I knew what I know now I probably never would have let him in the first time round and not let him come back a second I feel a fool! Do not let this damage your mental health, cocaine users are master manipulators and very very charming and then on the flip side so damaging! I’m broken as he left me on my birthday after letting me down with false promises, I was 7 months in. My advice would be to leave and see if he actually gets help, I know that sounds awful of me to say like you are abandoning him but I’m not I promise you have to be selfish in these situations and look after number one, I hope one day I feel strong if he tries to come back again. Here if you need to chat x

[mariaf]

I have been reading through posts on this forum and I feel at the moment it’s the only thing that’s helping me get through a very tough time at the moment. My boyfriend walked out on me a few weeks ago after a blazing argument and told me it was over. He is a cocaine user, unfortunately I feel quite a heavy user. He has opened up to me about using I promised him I would stand by him and get him the help he needs. His family know this is an issue but want to sweep it under the carpet and for months I was the only one bearing the brunt of it all, worried sick when he would drink drive, worry about what state he would come home to me in etc. He is in debt that he has been paying back but I feel its worse than what he told me. Although now he’s moved back home left me with many bills I’m so afraid of where he is going to end up. He told me himself months back when he was at a very low point that I was the only one he had to support him and he was so greatful and trying to change his ways but it was all empty promises he was starting to build my trust and then it would all fall apart again at the weekend. I know now it’s no longer any of my responsibility but I care so much about him and I want him to know that although we may not be together I’m here to talk/support him if he decides to turn his life around. How do you all feel I should address this? There has been no contact the last few weeks only to arrange to collect his items from our rented accommodation. I wonder will he reach out if he’s at rock bottom? My heart breaks not only that our lengthy relationship is over but that if he keeps going what if something disasterous happens him. Could I please get advice on this as my head is in turmoil over it all. Many thanks

[smh1987]

Hello Mariaf, I want to give you a massive cuddle because I know exactly what you are going through, I have been on and off with my ex for 12 months, he also has so much debt but this is the biggest issue, they always crave more and it will always be thier first love and unfortunately for us good ones that stand by them we get hurt the most, it’s the most vicious cruel circle to be in, what advice can I give you? Well not a lot other than please stay strong, have good friends, do not give him any money and stand your ground, the thing is as much as you love them they love that more I promise you that, I love mine more than anything and he came back again for a 3rd time 2 weeks ago then did a disappearing act on Thursday night and not spoken since and this is something I cannot deal with the guilty silence because they know we deserve better they run away, I took the courage yesterday to say no more and stood my ground, it takes time and seeing that what you have to go through is not and nor ever will be right or what you deserve, they put you through hell, they have to hit rock bottom but when could that be?? Who knows my lovely! Here if you need to vent or want to get anything off your chest, I nearly lost my job in February from all the stress this battle puts me under, please don’t get to that point be strong, offer support but not at the risk of your own health and life ❤️

[mariaf]

Thank you so much for your reply. It means alot to not feel alone when dealing with something like this. At the moment I’m trying to keep busy and trying to focus in work as with my job comes alot of responsibility so I can’t afford for anything to go wrong. Many many mornings over the last months I faced work exhausted and running on a few hours sleep over lying awake worried sick about what next was around the corner and how I was going to deal with it. My heart sinks at the thought of where he is going to end up and it’s a small rural community we are both from so word gets around and I’m so afraid of hearing something has happened him as he’s on a complete self destruction mode drinking excessively etc the last few weeks from what I hear. But Im trying to accept its no longer my responsibility, which is so difficult when I nearly lost myself the last few months trying to save him. It’s almost like a instant survival response, you don’t see how much your sinking. His belongings are bagged and ready to be collected which I informed him over 10 days ago but he still hasn’t made any contact to collect them, yet he’s aware it’s all ready. Many thanks for the support I really appreciate it all

[danman83]

How are you all doing?

[lindyloo]

Hi Dan, hope all is well with you.

I was just going to post on the Theresa thread.

I feel vexed for my son. He’s been really trying to stop drinking and contacted our local GP for advice yesterday. He said it was a complete waste of time, Addiction Services told him to see Doctor, who then over the phone told him he couldn’t help him!! No referral anywhere, no nothing! He felt really bad after opening up about it , then to get dismissed just like that, I think he was hoping for a detox of librium or something he mentioned.

I can’t believe that he reached out for help and no one helped him.

Anyone else you know had this issue? I’m gutted for him when he’s clearly trying to seek help!

Makes me mad.

Lx

[angiej82]

Hi sorry to jump on your post , ive only just found this website and have been looking through the forum , i feel the same about my husband, i feel there is no help whatsoever he has been drs , he has actually had a brain seizure just 5 weeks ago and was told to change lifestyle ( binge drinking and cocaine use ) he came out of hospital and just 2 weeks later was back to it , its been going on for years and i just don’t know where to turn x

[danman83]

Hiya Linda, I don’t know anyone personally who has been to there docs regarding this. And no one has spoke about it in the meetings..

He needs go back that addiction services and see what they say now, or could he try a diff doctor?

I guess he could just try ween him self off it for now. Just cut it down by a quatre each week of what he normally drinks. I’m not to clued up on medication for alcohol, sorry.

But tell him don’t just give up there, he needs keep going and believe in himself. His addictive brain will be saying now.. Ahh least we tried, get some beers in.. So he needs be positive and try the docs or that addiction place, and get to some meetings.

It’s ridiculous the doctor saying that ????????

[danman83]

Hiya Linda, I don’t know anyone personally who has been to there docs regarding this. And no one has spoke about it in the meetings..

He needs go back that addiction services and see what they say now, or could he try a diff doctor?

I guess he could just try ween him self off it for now. Just cut it down by a quatre each week of what he normally drinks. I’m not to clued up on medication for alcohol, sorry.

But tell him don’t just give up there, he needs keep going and believe in himself. His addictive brain will be saying now.. Ahh least we tried, get some beers in.. So he needs be positive and try the docs or that addiction place, and get to some meetings.

It’s ridiculous the doctor saying that ????????

[danman83]

Has he tried CA meetings?

[lindyloo]

Thanks for your replies guys.

My son said that he wished he had recorded the conversation as Panorama tv programme would have a field day with it.

The doc actually admitted that he didn’t know what to do, and to go back to Addiction services who told him to try doc in the first place!

My hubby speaking to a doc on Monday about something else, I think he’s seeking a 2nd opinion .

Honestly, there needs to more training done on addictions and mental health issues.

I’ve dropped some food off this morning to son, but he’s not answering his phone now, which is a worry, I believe he’s still doing online meetings.

Bloody doctor, I’m seething!

Lx

[lindyloo]

Thanks for your replies guys.

My son said that he wished he had recorded the conversation as Panorama tv programme would have a field day with it.

The doc actually admitted that he didn’t know what to do, and to go back to Addiction services who told him to try doc in the first place!

My hubby speaking to a doc on Monday about something else, I think he’s seeking a 2nd opinion .

Honestly, there needs to more training done on addictions and mental health issues.

I’ve dropped some food off this morning to son, but he’s not answering his phone now, which is a worry, I believe he’s still doing online meetings.

Bloody doctor, I’m seething!

Angie, sorry to hear about your husband, this is what I’m afraid off, he already has the tremors.

Dan, thanks for your advice, at least my son contacted me and told me , he had to go through the receptionist first, and she sounded like she was sneering down at him. He was being honest saying he was an alcoholic too, not easy to admit.

I’m hoping and praying he doesn’t lose it tonight or he’ll need an ambulance, as we had to drive up early in morning with some alcohol to get him past the shakes.

Thank guys your support means a lot to me.

Lx

[danman83]

Your right there does need to be more training. I seen something the other day were they only have one day’s training for a certain medical condition am not to sure if it was alcoholics. But I can’t remember.

They are useless alot of docs. We are just numbers and targets now

[lindyloo]

Yep, its shocking. Scotland are having an election next month, not that I’m crazy for the Lib Dems but in their manifesto they’re training up more mental health counsellors and more training in mental health issues apparently. Big Boris needs to sit up and take notes!

Lx

[danman83]

Haha I stay out of politics they all piss in the same pot. Lol

[snowful2021]

I read your post and thought that’s my life. Difference is im 6/7 years into the relationship with kids. Like you describe, it’s like living with two people, the ‘overly nice one’ you want all the time and the ‘nothing matters but what I want’ version which puts you last. It will only change when he wants it to and he doesn’t sound ready. Five months in, you should really think is this what I want long term as he could decide to get clean tomorrow, or you could be living this exact same life 6/7/8 years down the line and would you want that? Good luck x

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