[fiona12scott]

My brother has been addicted to heroin for 16-17 years. I suppose you’d call him high functioning; he has usually been able to work whilst smoking drugs. He has completed a Methadone program 3 times. Last summer while still on methadone and heroin he started taking crack cocaine too. It seems he was being cuckoo’d. He lost his job and started running for dealers. We were able to borrow money from a family member to send him to rehab (things had got really bad and I’m not sure if I should describe it all here)

He did a 2 month rehabilitation and seemed really good. Could could have gone to live in special housing after but was adamant on coming back to where we live. He had to stay at my house with me and my husband. He relapsed on the day he left rehab but didn’t tell us for a few days. He relapsed again a month after. He was going to NA meetings but then Covid happened. So here we are 6 months later and he’s still living with me. He has a temporary job that will end in 2-3 months. He is lying to us about money, who he’s spending time with etc. He can get very aggressive and threatening. I’m not sure what to do. The worst thing is I’m the one who decided to put myself in this situation. It’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

[bt1978]

Hey fiona

What an awful situation, and you were just trying to help.

Your brother is clearly a very unwell person, and the things he is talking are extremely hard to overcome.

The first thing you need is support for you. Whilst he has problems and is your brother you dont have to tolerate aggression or anything else, especially as you are trying to help. Woukd you be able to sit down and give him an ultimatum?

By the way Na meetings are still on, just on zoom

Hope you write back

[fiona12scott]

Hi

thanks for writing back. All ultimatums have been broken already. When he first came out of rehab the rules were:

– he must go to 3 meetings a week

– he must have his benefits sorted

– he must be having counselling

He wouldn’t go to the counselling from the start and the 3 meetings a week soon dwindled to 1. When Covid happened he didn’t want to use zoom and I do understand that; I’ve found work meetings in zoom very weird.

It’s just that he won’t tell the truth. The aggression happens if I won’t give him money; it is his money but I’m looking after it (as he asked) so that he can get a place to live if his own. He doesn’t need any money, he has food etc. He can’t account for £400 of his wages and will not tell us where the money is gone. At first he said we should trust him and now he’s just saying it’s not our business. He’s threatened to take my car and other belongings because I have £300 of his (to save for a house)

It’s just the worst thing. Before rehab he wasn’t himself anymore and people were threatening him and his family. I really thought everything might be ok after he had lost everything and then had learnt, at rehab, how to stay clean but I think he will always go back to drugs and now I’m completely stuck because he’s in my house. I can’t just make him leave, he has nowhere to go. I’m sure everyone says it but he is not a bad person really. He’s very intelligent and kind but he is also a liar, a bully and a thief. It’s affecting my whole life and changing me.

[bt1978]

Hey fiona

That is very heavy stuff.

I’m acutely aware it’s very easy to give advice from the outside looking in and therefore easy to band things about willy nilly, not so easy when you are the poor soul in the thick of it.

From what you have written and described he clearly isnt ready or has no interest in getting better right now. The most difficult part of this is the fact that change has to come from the addict, no one can recover for them. Without that everything else is futile, and probably why he dropped the meetings out and didn’t do counselling.

I have met tons of addicts who are intelligent, funny and caring – sadly that goes out the window when on drugs and people completely change.

I guess the question is what next?

You mentioned you cant kick him out which I totally understand, sadly hebhadnt hit rock bottom and what you are going through now will get worse over time until he stops using or leaves.

Is there anywhere else he can go at all or has he burned all his bridges?

[fiona12scott]

When he was in rehab, most of the time, he seemed really interested in getting better and joined in with all the groups and activities that they did.

There isn’t anywhere else he can go. My Step father won’t allow him to stay at my Mum’s house. My sister can’t have him at her house because she has a little girl. There’s just no way out, I’m totally and utterly stuck with this. There’s no hope left. At least before rehab, it was always in my mind that if we ever could afford rehab he could be fixed but now we have tried that and it hasn’t worked (I can’t be fully sure that he’s using but it’s the only thing that makes sense) so there’s nothing left.

I’m so sorry, I must sound so gloomy. I think I have completely lost myself.

[bt1978]

Not at all. I think, given the situation, you have every right to feel that way.

In my opinion rehab is great for interrupting addiction and getting the addict away, detoxed and starting to look at themselves. However, rehab isnt forever. At some point you have to have to come to terms with real life on lifes terms. That isnt easy if you are an addict as you need to replace the drugs with something else.

This is where NA may have come in useful. Not only are you around d others who think like you, they also offer a programme which is a way of coming to terms with what you are, what you did, and how you can move forward and sort yourself out. That’s something that rehab doesnt always offer (well not many)

Staying clean is a lifetimes work and to be tackled a day at a time.

Do you think there is any reasoning with him at all?

[fiona12scott]

I’m sorry I’ve taken ages to write back. There doesn’t seem to be any reasoning with him. Still lying all the time. If he wants to do drugs I wish he would Just leave us alone.

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