[sprocket]

Where do u start . I have been with my partner for 8 years . A few months into the relationship I found out he used cocaine now and then apparently?! All he used to go on about is that he wanted us to have a baby together and that he had never loved anyone like he loved me . I fell for him and went on to become pregnant (our son is now 6) . Over the years his cocaine habit has grew into a massive problem and he has also gained a alcohol problem! . I have always felt like a single parent to our son as he has never been a decent father to him . He has tried to fool me that he hasn’t been taking it when he was ! His lies are awful and he comes and goes as he pleases ,sometimes we don’t hear nothing from him for days . This resulted me in numerous occasions contacting local hospitals etc as he just wouldn’t answer his phone or contact me ! I’ve found him messaging other women , sending dirty pictures to women and even trying it on with my friends !! He says it’s the coke that makes him behave in this way and it totally breaks my heart . He has admitted on several occasions that he has a drink and cocaine addiction and has stated to get help ,but he always seems to quit . He has lied , stole off me alsorts but yet why can I not give up on him ? I’m so unhappy I just want a normal family life . We both work and it’s always me what has to pay for all the bills as he spends his wages on his drink and drugs . I have recently gave him an ultimatum that he gets help or it’s over …he agreed and it’s been 3 days and he still hasn’t rang and made the first move in getting an appointment with the recovery place and keeps fobbing me off saying he hadn’t had time !! I cry most days and I cannot keep feeling like this . Part of me wants to help him and part of me wants me to get rid but every time I get rid he cry’s on me and begs and begs for me to take him back . Please help I’m literally lost in my next move I’m so unhappy

[sprocket]

Also I’m so paranoid wondering if he is coming home from work ?will he be on coke ? Has he had a drink ? Will he eat his tea ? I look at his eyes and body language his breathing everything ! If he is on his phone a lot I presume he is tx another woman ! I just want all these paranoid things to go but I know it’s because I have zero trust for him anymore . Is anyone else out there going through a similar situation?

[endofmytether]

Sorry to hear this, it sounds like you’ve had an awful time of it. I’m not in the same situation but can relate in small ways as my mum has had addiction problems with alcohol and prescription meds. Also an ex used to smoke weed and had anger issues. But in my experience these people don’t change unless they decide it’s something they want and they don’t consider the harm they are doing to others, just as long as they can meet their own needs. I know it’s not easy to consider letting somebody go, who you care/cared about but in these types of situations people will usually continue to have the same patterns of behaviours and it’s far better for your own health if you leave him because you can’t force them to change. You can try to help by offering to go to the doctors with him or helping him make phone calls but it still may be best to call time on your relationship and live separately. At least if they know that you have no tolerance of it anymore then it gives them that bit more incentive to give up if they want you in their life. You can not allow yourself to be treated like a mug. People who know that they can mug someone off will continue to do so. Think of you and your child as you need to put yourselves first. He is a grown up and needs to be allowed to make his own choice, for the better or worse.

[sprocket]

Everything you have said is so true and u know I must follow my heart and it tells me to get rid of him . I know that in the future we will be so much better off and may actually be happy for once . I’ve just got to get my sons bday out the way then it’s game on ???????? Xx

[confusedcom83]

Wow, it’s seems as if I am about to live your situation. Been together 18 months but he has had numerous contacts with other women. Doesn’t care or want to know about me when on drugs and drink. Found out I am pregnant something he has said he has always wanted, and since been on two major binges and he seems to be taking more coke now. He lies all the time and I am unsure what to believe and what not to as the sad thing is I think he believes his lies himself.

[gracey2002]

That is the same with me! He promised a million times that he just wanted to be a dad and never wants to touch the stuff again, he took it all the way through my pregnancy, he took it when I thought I was in labour and he never made it. Once baby came he still Carry’s on taking it. It never stops, it takes years and years for them to grow up and realise they have better things in life

[sprocket]

Bless you hun . My fella always wanted a child and I gave him one . But unfortunately for me he never quit even for his own son . All we do is have hope but sometimes hope just isn’t enough

. I always wish I would of left him while I was pregnant ! My son is nearly 7 now and will have to go through the break up crap of his family life . Sometimes I blame myself for staying but all I wanted was a family life and had hope he would give up the coke and drink xxx

[cocainman12]

so sorry for you

[amski12]

Hi, I’m in exactly the same position as you…

My now ex partner has a cocaine addiction going on for quite some time and your story sounds almost identical to mine.. we have 3 children and I desperately want him to get help before it has an impact on their lives – I fear the eldest will price it together soon enough (she’s due to start high school this time)

I asked him to leave the family hope about 3 months ago as it had taken its toll on my mental health and my Dr mentioned Social services which frightened me to be honest so I had no choice (he isn’t violent and I was about 80% sure he didn’t do it at home I got up extra early to clean everywhere just in case) but I too read his body language to try to figure out whether he’s had it.

He doesn’t drink with it – I feel his job (self employed) is his trigger – I’ve told him now that he has to get proper help and a proper job or I won’t entertain ever considering getting back with him.

I still try to help if I can but I don’t think he really truly wants help yet as he’s constantly breaking his word (not going to appointments etc) he’s had alternative job options but doesn’t take them (probably because his cash in had job pays for his addiction)

I have found though since he’s left I am much happier and can take a step back focus on myself and the children more – and whenever he’s ready for help I’ll always be there ( at least I think I will) I used enable by means of paying his phone bill, paid debts thinking of the stress of that was gone he would stay of it but obviously that didn’t work.. so now I do nothing at all, no money for fuel, food nothing… I won’t hide the ‘problem’ from family and friends and certainly won’t lie for him.

I feel so sad for him because he is so down but I can’t do anymore than I have it’s upto him now and if he truly wanted to get help, if his unhappiness was that bad he would be asking for help – he hasn’t done as yet…

I was so worried for the kids when I knew he had to leave but they’re so resilient they bounced back, they still see him, I let them call him whenever they want(which sometimes isn’t much) but they’re ok..

On the other hand I can’t forgive his selfishness when it comes to financial support, I understand that he can’t control his addiction but (I may be wrong) he can control whether he wants to get help.. and the fact we are now going to lose our home – which isn’t ideal with 3 kids as it’s not as easy to go to parents etc… he more than had the means to support and chooses not to which I can’t ever forgive…

I know I’ve said I’ll always be there but once I’m made homeless with the kids I’m not sure I will..

Sorry to rant just have to get this off my chest!

[rani123]

Hi Amski 12 your story is identical as mine ….. I’m being made homeless and my ex husband cocaine addict did nothing to help . To help him come off drugs and Alcohol I paid a lot of his debts off and helped him financially thinking it would load the stress off him and he would stop turning to drugs but it just made things worse. We were constantly arguing and he became very violent . He would smash things up around the house and my kids would witness it all. I would always be left with bruises cuts and he would storm out. Many occasions Iv kicked him out then a few days later he would calm down and start sobbing telling me how sorry he was and promise he would never do it again . I’d fall for it because I guess I loved him and cared for him at the time . Then a few days later he would see his friends and have a sniff and start all over again with the dramas ..got worse .. he would turn his phone off and be out all night and I’d be worried sick up all night thinking he is seeing someone else having an affair. Anxiety is an understatement the level of stress was immense.. I seeked professional help and counselling as I couldn’t manage with daily house chores and taking care of my children’s needs. I ended up soo depressed and became that close to suicidal . I was often let down by him and his promises were all lies and he even started pawning valuable sentimental items in to feed his habit. He would demand money from me and when I finally refused he just lashed out and left . He would manipulate me and make me feel guilty for not helping him. I did everything in my power to help him stop because I loved him but let me tell you there is nothing you can do it’s all down to the addict but he refused so finally I’m soo happy without him and I stopped all contacts with him .(my Two children are not to him thank god) after 6 years finally I left him . Best decision Iv ever made . Feel like Iv got my life back now and my children are very happy.

[amski12]

Hi, thank you for sharing your story..

I’ve actually come to the realisation now that I have to move on with my life, and same I feel so much better now that I’ve closed that door…

I think I’ve been through the worst and over it.

All the best to you x

[rani123]

No problem you are welcome.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Sprocket,

So sorry to read your post and am sorry that you are feeling so low. It’s really hard coping with a partner’s addiction.

if you would like to contact us at Icarus Trust we could put you in touch with one of our experienced trained people who you could talk with. We are a charity that supports people going through what you are and may be we could help you to find a way forward.

You can contact The Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck to you.

[z123]

Hi, I’m the same situation. I’ve been cheated on with different women and given the same excuse that cokes makes you do it because it makes you feel good and horney.

We all want the man back we lived but the truth is we won’t get them back, they’re gone and In too deep. The only way out is professional help and lots of counselling and most people that beat the addiction have to give up alcohol too asvthats a trigger and cut their friends out their lives. Even then couples therapy would have to be done given the damage that they have already caused. Too much damage has been caused to me and my children by my ex and his coke addiction, we are still going through a hard time with him even although we’ve split. Only you know whether to give him a chance but my advice would be to run like hell because you will only endure more heartache and you need to look after yourself x

[rani123]

Thank you soo much for your advice .

I spoke to him today and basically he told me he doesn’t want to be with me no more and he has had enough of life with me .

When I’m at lowest point being evicted from my house and we need him the most he has turned his back on us .

He is blaming me for the eviction and the break up .

His parents advised him not to help me and not to be with me no more

[z123]

Rani123, I’m so sorry to hear this! My ex told me same thing that he wants nothing to do with me and has blamed me for him taking coke too then he blames himself then he blames me again then he said I bored the shit out of him and that’s why he took it and he wants away from me.

Listen, their heads must be full of mush considering how it’s made with petrol, cement and bleach like chemicals! Yeh it may make them feel good and they think they’re the king of the world when they’re out partying and getting attention from other women, but these other women aren’t nagging them as they see it maybe because us wives ask them to do something at home or do something with kids. The coke makes them live in a fantasy world and they think they’re 21 again. They only want to come back to us wives for their stability. They’re not worth it in that case and your ex has proved that! So has his family for that matter and I’m in the same boat with the family situation.

I hope you have a lot of support around you because you will need it, this isn’t easy, it’s the hardest thing I’ve had to go through in my life!

Don’t know where you live but surely housing, women’s aid or some charity is available to house you and kids?

Much love to you and the kids x

[rani123]

Thank you for your advice and I’m from westyorkshire.

I will be joining a organisation called together women’s project soon but at the moment I have no time for counselling as I’m going mad looking for a place to live . I’m getting evicted in a weeks time please pray for me and my kids.

I don’t know who some some families cAn turn their backs on helpless vulnerable people and support their own son Who is an addict and caused all this .

My family are some what supporting me but are very mad with me at the moment.

Their words to me are ‘you stole from your children’s mouth and fed your addict husband and lost your children’s home over him,

That is true , if you look at it that’s what happened.

I will have to live with this guilt for the rest of my life .

Forget to mention that he has 28 convictions of domestic violence GBH and ABH.

I was told that recently by the police when social services got involved with a domestic violence I experienced with him.

He blamed the cocaine and alcohol for everything and I gave him another chance .

[z123]

Was his convictions against you? Not that it matters, as things have gone too far!

I know what you mean about the family, I’ve been to my in laws and not got any help at all and I think it’s disgusting that they have put their son over their grandchildren considering what he’s done and continues to do to us. That just goes to show what type of upbringing he has had!

I understand that your family are most probably frustrated with you, because I’ve had to have a few stern words spoken to me from my family. Don’t forget, your family are going through this too and feel your hurt and the kids hurt. It affects the wider family too! This is not your fault though, you done your hardest to try and help your husband and keep your family together and I’ve tried to do the same, and no one can judge you unless they have been in your position. I know women that have just turned a blind eye for the easy life.

Of course your priorities are to be re-housed! Social services are key to that, a social worker can help push that for you. I would also recommend counselling once your other needs are met because it is in your best interest because you have been subjected to domestic abuse and your own self worth is most probably at rock bottom, and what good is that to your kids if you’re unwell. Get house sorted, your mental state sorted and kids sorted, they need their Mum!

Have you been in touch with housing and social services? X

[kindredcoyote]

For the last 3 years my partner (I guess ex now) has been loving in my house. I didn’t know he took cocaine when he moved in, but he couldn’t hide it in the end and would always say he wanted to quit and ask for my support. It’s all been lies, he’s stolen from me, he lies, he most likely has cheated. The emotional manipulation that goes alongside living and being with an addict can be so destructive. He moved out two weeks ago. I never saw that happening and I know now it’s for the best but it doesn’t make it easier. I know I was enabling him by paying off all the debts and making excuses for him. I worry about him constantly but just remember you get one life and you need to put your needs first. Your home should be your safe place and when they take that away from you, coming home not knowing what you are going to get, it becomes almost normal, always looking for signs of the drug use. Please put you and your son first. He will only get help if he wants to and you need to focus on yourself. There is nothing you can do to control their use or to help. It has to come from them. I really recommend taking up the support offered from the charity above. It helped me get some perspective. I didn’t have children with him but I am now thousands in debt because of him and may lose my house because I just kept believing it would get better.

[rani123]

Thanks kindredcoyote for you reply .

I’m sorry to hear about your experience but it sounds like what I’m going through.

Why does my ex hate me sooo much and blame me for all the arguments. He is holding on to nasty stuff I have said to him about him and his family and he won’t let that go.

He is using that against me for not helping me in my hard times.

I stuck by him solid in his hard times and did a lot for him he knows all that but he just won’t show no appreciation.

So what exactly is going on in his mind ? What is the cocaine doing to him that he hasturned sooo nasty towards me ????

He told me today not to ever get back with him because if I do take him back he will only cheat on me with other women and treat me more bad .

[z123]

Hey the funny thing is…. why the hell are we on this site on a Saturday night talking about everything they have done to us? I know it’s good to talk to others and this site has helped me to realise that I’m not the only one going through this, but I should really be out enjoying myself now and getting a babysitter and meeting other people, not for a relationship but just to have the single life he was leading, minus the coke of course! Us women need to meet someone that will treat us with the respect that we deserve!!!

[kindredcoyote]

I think he will hold on to that stuff because it’s all he has against you. Don’t expect a normal response from someone that’s not leading a normal life. You won’t get the appreciation for any of it.

Did you own your own home before? Have you been to your local council for help with housing?

The best thing you can do is what he has said. Don’t go back and focus on yourself. The addition is a disease and he won’t get better until he wants to and gets help and even then it will be really hard.

[rani123]

True Iv just had a txt from him and he is offering to help me .. he asked me to call him so I did and he told me he doesn’t want to be with me but he will help .

[z123]

Rani, do you really want his help after all he has done? I have been told he will help me out with money for School stuff ect and still no money being put into my account. I’d rather do it on my own than accept his help after he has put me and kids through, he has made his bed and he can literally lye in it with who eve he wants now!

[rani123]

I think you got a valid point . I agree with you . I’m taking your advice . I’m going to do it on my own

[z123]

And I hope all is going well with DanMan – he’s the guy that comments a lot and despite having his own addictions with coke he understands what us women are going through. I hope he’s doing well and managing! I know it’s hard for him but he’s very honest about things and that makes a big difference!

[rani123]

Yep I agree I always wait on danmans reply but all your replies are just as much appreciated.

Thanx . This forum really does keep me alive …

[rani123]

Surprise surprise .. he will help me blah blah but he needs my help 1st … hahaha

How typical of him . If I do something for him then he will help . To shut him up I agreed lol

[z123]

Rani, you don’t need to say I have a valid point. You know deep I’m your heart that you know you have a valid point!!!! You give great advice to others, take some of your own advice!!!!

Rani, I know it hurts so bad, I’m with you on that one, you need to lean on your family to get you through this. This forum helps, yes, but your family are more of a strength! X

[mj2021]

I’m in a similar situation was with my ex 3 years lie after lie out all night phone off using coke with female friends horrendous. Last October he started counselling all seemed to be going well but last few weeks the drinking began again then last week I found him sniffing coke in my bathroom massive row called his family to get him I’m done no more will I put myself through this selfish heartless man

[icarus-trust]

So very sorry to read your story and the hard decisions you’re having to make.. I’m glad you’ve found this forum but if you would like more help please contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports the family having to deal with an addiction problem. If you would like some support for yourself and maybe your partner please contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people going through what you are now. One of our trained and experienced people would talk to you if you get in touch and let you know whatb help we can offer.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best.

[jaynie]

Hi, I am so sorry that you are all going through this but at the same time I am so relieved that I am not alone.

I have been with my partner for four years and when I met him, I thought I was the luckiest women alive, as I have not exactly had good experiences with relationships.

My partner previously done cocaine off and on from a relatively young age and I think he still is, also I can not evidence it. His family has turned there back on him on more than one occasion but does keep giving him chances.

He has taken money in the past that does not belong to him, his track record is not good to say the least although he tells me he will be the better person.

I love this man with all of my heart but he continues to hurt me by lying a lot, its to the point that I don’t know what is true anymore.

Everything has to be about him and it feels like he bullies through to get what he wants.

His communication has got better but I feel I have to pick my words very carefully when talking because its flight or fight with him and he has chosen the flight on more than one occasion. He knows when he does this that I am left worrying for hours and hours as he does not contact, will not answer his phone. But when he comes back, he acts like nothing has happened. I have told him how I feel when he disappears but he still does it.

I am walking on eggshells all the time and looking over my shoulder, constantly wondering what he is doing, who he is with and where he is at. I keep telling him that he needs to get a job but still nothing, he signs on instead.

I am at the point to where I feel that this is not going to get any better for us, he left me for 7 months over a year ago and when he came back, he advised that it was me he loved and that he made a big mistake and promised me that everything would be different, but its fell back exactly how it use to be.

I feel like I am his mother rather than his partner and I feel so down, unattractive, lost my self worth, confidence. I want to say its over, but how to you say good bye to someone that you love and adore. I often wonder if he really loves me, he tells me a lot he does, but then why would someone treat their partner like this if they did. This is not my definition of love. I feel so sad, alone, very emotional all the time and I don’t know what more I can do to help him. Can anyone help me?

[Lizzie52]

Hi Jaynie. Your story is identical to mine. I am at a loss as to what to do – I want to say to leave but like you I love him very much even though he always turns things round to be my fault and like you I feel like I am walking on eggshells and don’t want to say anything that may be antagonistic to him. He has promised me on 5 occasions within the last 4 years that I met him that he won’t do it again and the last time about 6 weeks ago he promised me again and was very remorseful. But I have go evidence that he has been using again and not stopped since then even though he saw how much it affected me as I had my first proper panic attack and went into shock. I have been having counselling and she has helped me to step back from the situation and not react straight away. I have also been going to Alanon meetings online which is a support group for families or friends of addicts and also to narcotic or cocaine anon open meetings which is also online to try to understand the mind of an addict. All these are very helpful and I would suggest you try them although it still doesn’t help that you are living with a deceitful lying addict x

[jj1986]

Hello I don’t know whether your still with this partner but I’m in the same situation 🙁

[mj2021]

Hi everyone well I wrote on here a while back going through a really bad time, however my partner was flat out we had no relationship he didn’t see his daughter it was a mess. I also think cheating was def involved but couldn’t proove it. Anyway fast forward a few months so he turned a corner a few months back he got himself into rehab he’s come out a different person been a few months he’s like a completely different guy no coke he does drink but that crap has gone. He’s been amazing with his daughter I don’t know why or how but I think he hit rock bottom and realised if he didn’t do something he be dead. But so far he’s been great I’m not saying it been easy when he first come out of rehab he was saying I don’t want that crap in my life no more on one occasion someone offered it and he said no. But he’s chilled out he’s caring nothing like the idiot he was so fingers crossed it continues my heart goes out to u all as it is so hard

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