[paul0572]

Hello everyone . I just want you all to have an idea what my life has been like living with my fiance who has been addicted to coke for the last 2 years and see if you can make any sense of it and any guidance and what I can do .

She suffered child hood trauma which surfaced into clinical depression and emotional stability disorder about 4 years ago. Was one of the worst things I had to go through to try and pick her up from that . We managed to get her back after 7 months of not working not caring about anything cos she was mentally ill . I supported her through everything and was always there for her. About 2 years ago her friend introduced her to cocaine , at first I had no idea how big the hole was gonna be that we fell down , first she was just doing it on a Thursday night with her friend , then a saturday night then also on work nights . Now she’s at the stage where’s she’s has to have it every 3 days . I’ve done the following , chasing , being angry etc…. She begged me not to tell any of her family as she said it would be easier for her to get off it if they didn’t know . So a year down the line she was still exactly the same ! So last week I told her parents how bad it was , she’s basically turned around to them and told them she only does it now and again to escape our relationship and they have bought it . Even tho the night I told them she went to stay in her mum’s house and drove home at 3am in the morning to tell me how much she loves me and how it’s all her fault ! I felt like her mum and dad were not supportive at all as these people are the reason for her mental health issues any way . So I approached her nan and grandad who are like her mum and dad and told them . Obviously this didn’t go down well with my partner . Now shes admitted to my side of the family all about her addiction but to her side of the family it’s all about our relationship ! Her family have told her of she’s not happy we need to sell our house . So we are currently putting it on the market , but I’m not sure if she’s doing this cos she wants to or of she’s doing it cos she doesn’t want to admit the real reason to her side of the family ? Bare in mind last week she admitted everything to my side of the family and drove home coked up at 3am in the morning to tell me how much she loves me ! I just don’t understand any of it ? Any advice would be great

[paul0572]

We had the house valued today but they told me if we take it off the market we still need to pay £1000 fee , but we can relist with them again for free. Told her this and she wants me to find someone else now with no fee for listing . Is she just doing this to make it look like to her family it is our relationship ? I just don’t understand it !

[esta]

I know you are feeling hurt and in need of validation for all you have discovered and put up

Unfortunately it sounds from what you say that your partner doesn’t want to stop, and the addiction is probably much bigger than you know.

so much gets hidden for all sorts of reasons. You have to just accept that you will probably never know the whole truth it’s just the nature of the beast and it is so distressing.

The addiction will carry on wether you are sat at home stressed out waiting to pick up the pieces or have moved on and picked up the threads of your own life.

I think you need space

Reset your boundaries and stick to them.

It’s not just the addict that has to heal from the fallout

Sometimes the addiction is just bigger than ‘you’ and it’s hard but you will recover and you will realise you are right.

Only when someone is ready will they move forward

You cannot make them change it’s the hardest fact of addiction

[paul0572]

Thank you so much for your reply . Yeah I will do what you say as I can’t take it anymore . Last night she smashed her phone up because she had an argument with her nanna on the phone …she lost she shit then because she didn’t have a phone . So she went to her other nans to borrow her phone . When she came back home I saw she tried to call one of her friends like 6 times . I checked the number and it wasn’t her friend who she said it was it was actually her coke dealer ! My life is so crazy it’s just full of lies and manipulation and I’ve been there for her through everything . Now she doesn’t care about how I feel or how much it’s hurting me

[esta]

That’s the worst part – the switching of emotions and the not knowing what they actually mean and feel. Go on the theory that actions speak louder than words.

They love you, they hate you, they leave you hanging, they hate you, they tear a million strips off you, they exclude you, they steal off you, they lie to you, they are sorry, they hate you, they love you, they are off again!!

You just can’t keep up with it, let alone work out what is true, not much in the end

It’s a grieving process that during; you will find NO comfort for your feelings

That’s a sad fact but it’s true and tbh honest you must accept it, to be able move forward to be free of it all.

They will let you hang in there enabling the situation as long as you want to

I used to think my husband was different and things would work out; but I was daydreaming into a nightmare

Don’t be scared of the change it can be good

[esta]

They say an addict will not stop until they have lost everything

I am not sure if even that will break the cycle

My ex has literally lost everything – his kids, his house, his business, his marriage and his freedom

He is on a psych ward wandering about still begging the nurses for ‘white’ after 6 months of admission

That is still his main priority even now his subconscious is primarily begging for crack cocaine

He never asks how his kids are

He asks about nothing but money for crack “send me 80”

I will never work out how this drug has the power it does

[paul0572]

Just thought I would update everyone , I went to put the house on the market and she backed down and told me she would change , she would do CA meetings etc….she did ! She did one on Tuesday night then got InTouch with one of the girls on there and privately phoned her . She told me she’s really changed now cos she’s got support and she feels so much better, the following day she wanted to go to her friend’s house , who shes taking coke with loads of times . I was against the idea , she told me I had to start trusting her etc…so she went there , and she actually came home for s change ! It was 10 o’clock at night and she had an hour phone call with one of the girls from cocaine annoymus and again was so happy on the phone saying she can do this cos she’s got people that understand her now ! I thought brilliant ! Within half an hour of putting the phone down she cracked a bag open and took a gram of coke and was up till 4 in the morning and missed work the following day ! Let down again !

[paul0572]

Also she told the member from CA that she is taking a gram every other day ….this is really bad now !

[esta]

As long as you put up with it she will let you

Walk away as hard as it is

In time you will see this for what it is

[paul0572]

She’s never gonna change is she !

[esta]

Today I went to see my ex on the psych ward

He was on his knees crying, thanking me for coming saying he loved me we could make a go of it again

I am the love of his life the whole works

A wonderful glimpse of the man i met and I truly loved him with all my heart

Then after 40 minutes he held my hands and said pick me up tonight at 9 my dad can have the kids

My mate from school will sort us a gram and it’s 50 each we’ll get right off it it’s good stuff – just once yeah?

Like a child he looked so excited

They promise again and again to change and there is always an excuse and tears when they don’t and you melt and think you are the only one who can save them

Truth is he doesn’t want to be saved he absolutely loves Coke/crack

[Author]

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