[bluebird02]

My dad is an alcoholic. Even without this, he’s always been the type of person to avoid going to the doctor at all costs, including doing the free health screens on the NHS. I’m worried he may drink himself to death. I think he’s been depressed for a long time – he and my mum have always had intense arguments.

I’m a student, so I am worried about coming home for the summer holidays, as there is nowhere else to go to avoid it, and I am at the stage where I would rather be away from home. My siblings don’t really understand the issue as they moved out a long time ago.

Today, he went to pick me up from university, which took about 12 hours round trip. I was a bit mad at him for reasons unrelated, so I forgot to say thank you, though I obviously had meant to. Tonight he drank a lot and shouted at me for not saying this, to which I said sorry.

My mum and I are looking into ways to get him to seek help, but it’s unlikely he’d listen to us, and we don’t know anyone to talk to him about it.

Does anyone have any advice?

[SaoirseJS]

Hey there,

 

I know exactly what you’re going through, including the intense arguments between mum and dad etc. I wish I could help, I think I gave up hoping for my Dad to get better after I finished uni. He is much older than my mum though, he’s 69 (I am now 25).

if I could go back a few years ago, maybe I would have considered the Crisis Team intervention – if you Google this followed by your area, it may come up? Also some AA charities in your area may be willing to visit (if you explain the reasons for this). But it would depend on how safe it is to do so – my Dad dismisses the alcohol intake talks. I wish I did this in hindsight though, as telling him he had a problem never got through, I’m genuinely surprised he’s still alive.

does your dad tend to apologise the next day/ when he’s out of his foul mood? My only advice is to put him straight rather than outright accepting the apology – although this again never fully worked with my dad, he’d just go quiet with me (but different people respond differently!)

 

I know it sounds selfish, but I seldom returned home when I was at uni. I moved straight into my second (then third) year accommodation rather than going home. Is this something you could do? Perhaps look for work now if you can if it’s the money issue that’s stopping you from staying there over the summer. I know you may be worrying about your mum being alone (I always did too), but sometimes you just have to be selfish – I’m still affected by my Dad and it’s caused a lot of trauma that I’m not even on the cusp of trying to tackle yet, please look after yourself first!

your dad sounds like a really good man (my Dad is too!) I just wish they found a way to seek help without hitting the alcohol.

sorry if this isn’t much help, I just wanted you to know you’re not alone and I’m thinking of you (and your family). Xx

 

[ylrk18p1]

Hi I am going through a similar situation except with my mum. My dad and I are really trying. Its so frustrating too, my mum does not want to attend anywhere for help. As soon as she is off the drink and sober she thinks she is cured and healthy! and then relapses the following week. I am also a student. I am doing nursing and surprisingly I’m at an alcohol addiction centre (out of everywhere they assigned me here lol) however I have learned so much! if you every want to talk, let me know. I live at home and live with my mum and dad. I’ve came to the realisation that we can only do so much to help them, its up to them to actually get help though, as hard as it is its the truth 🙁

[Annette54]

I would get help from NACOA – the National Assn. for the Children of Alcoholics.  This applies to adult children, btw.  They run a free helpline and are really good.  And there’s DrugFam who have more resources and will get back to you quicker.

The book I found very helpful (my dad had mental health issues – very similar to booze) is “Unspoken Legacy” by Dr. Claudia Black.  It lays bare what happens when there’s addiction in a family, going back 3-4 generations.  There’s also a spreadsheet to look at and complete, as often we find there are many of us in particular family groups.  It’s in the genes.  Because of the way my dad treated us, my younger brother and I both ended up with addictions: him drugs and me booze.  Eric (brother) never made it out and took his life at 54.  I quit drinking for good at 62, as it was wrecking my mental health.  Now 70, and never felt healthier.

The substance misuser MUST want to seek help.  No family, nor friends, can force them.  It’s very damaging to force them.  Check out the information on this site about boundaries: how to decided on them and how to set them AND the consequences of the person not changing.  Not following through is also damaging. Sending big hugs.

[TheShrub]

I’m 30, my mum died from alcohol 2 years ago. I remember university very vividly because I refused to go home during summer as she was awful and it was unsafe there. It was hard to get support from uni because we weren’t “estranged” in the legal definition but we were in every sense of the word.

It is very much ok to want to not go back, to finally spend some time for yourself and to be your own person. It’s not selfish. You will think it’s selfish, but it isn’t. You do not owe your life to someone else’s addiction. If your dad is being offered support and he isn’t taking it, that’s not your problem. He needs to take some ownership over his illness and the impact it’s having on the rest of your family.

He will need to go to his GP to get help with detox, which will be more likely than getting a rehab place.

But, what about you? What about your mum? What support are you getting and what do you need to start to heal from this?

[Author]

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