[rhona]

My Dad is an alcoholic. I am 33, not sure when this started it sometime seems like it’s been this way for a long long time but it hasn’t, probably about 10 years,few more maybe..
He is the best Dad in the world. Except for he can’t stop drinking when he starts. He is not violent or nasty or a horrible drinker at all – most people who aren’t close to him don’t even know about his problem. He is caring, intelligent, loving he just has an addiction to alcohol which is ruining his life. & mine. and my Mum’s.

My problem is split in two –
1. I love my Dad – want to see him enjoying life, being healthy and keeping my Mum happy which is not easy, she has issues of her own.
2. I work in the family business which is not easy at the best of times.

This all came out in the open about 6 years ago – my Dad was arrested for drinking driving. It was one of the worst days of my life. That sounds over dramatic but it was just awful. To think of my Dad in a cell. It broke my heart. They arrested him at 7 in the morning, they kept him in all day and all night and they took him to the court in the morning. He was ill without a drink. He came home shaking. It was awful. After this he stopped drinking for about a year I think.
In this time he nursed his elderly Mum and Dad until they passed away – 2 weeks between them. He was so strong in this time.

I don’t remember when he started drinking again but he did. And the time he stopped for each time became shorter and shorter. Now he can stop for 2 – 3 weeks max before he starts again and that’s him for again usually a few weeks.
We make excuses for him not doing jobs, things get behind at work. We soldier on and a soldier on. My Mum is the strongest woman I know. But we are broken inside. We hurt every day but don’t show it anymore. We are frightened that if we start to cry we wont stop. We want to hold our lives together.
We don’t want to give up our life. But sooner or later if My Dad doesn’t take control of this then my Mum will leave home and she will have to chose another path for her life because in the end you only have one life and you must do whatever makes YOU happy.
I don’t want her to leave my Dad but I wouldn’t blame her if she made that decision. Life goes on.

I have a plan to become a Mum eventually. I hope this works out. But that is only going to be possible in a couple of years time when my boyfriends work is more stable and we are married. Right now, day to day is tough at times. I have hardened myself to the situation most of the time but every now and then – like tonight I have a meltdown and I lose it.

I feel like my boyfriend and my friends must be so bored with it all too and I don’t like to go on about it. It is always easier looking in on a situation and I guess they would say to my Mum – get out of there and to me – get new job, distance yourself from it. But in reality that is a very very hard thing to do when you are always hoping and praying to god knows who that your Dad will stop drinking once and for all,get some help to feel good about himself.

I have cried my eyes out writing this and I can’t say I feel any better for it but maybe someone out there sees it, says yes that sounds familiar and says hello. That would be nice. I might even copy this and send to my Dad, it can’t hurt cant it?..that’s one more thing – I’m never sure if i’m doing ‘ the right thing’ – talking to him, accusing him of drinking, telling him Mum has had enough, oh my goodness I’m so so tired of this whole situation.
Dog tired.
xx

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