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Can anyone give me some advice here I met my partner 4 years ago was using cocaine didn’t really realise the extent of it as he was working full time nice car his own house. I lived in my house I moved in for a few months total nightmare he was having parties so I moved back to mine. Fast forward 4 years it’s gone from lying about using excessive drinking to finding out he’s been messaging exes on dating sites. I tried to help him but he is constantly lying won’t say where he’s been who he’s with. I left him a month ago and it’s got worse he’s been going out staying out I’ve blocked his number he emails me really vile dirty messages after being out all night, it’s almost like he enjoys it last Saturday he went out and said he slept with someone had a banging night how cruel is that all contact been stopped with his daughter. Constant arguments with his mum as he’s now living with them it’s so draining
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Hiya mj I hope your OK.
I’ve got a cocaine addiction. But I’m now 81 days clean after joining cocaine annonymous. And I’m working the 12 steps. I’ve bed doing my best to stop for years. But this programme works.
My gf kicked me out 4 month ago after relapsing and I lost it all. But im getting there.
Anyway… So cocaine is a big sleezy drug, it makes you cheat, and so seedy things. I don’t really want to be telling you this but I need to be honest. What I tell you can not be for everyone but most I speak to have done the same.
It makes you go on escort sites, meeting escorts or massage parlours all while on coke, driving there drunk and using. It makes you cheat, join dating sites and hide things..
It is a sleezy drug.
But also the user would never do this if they ever got on cocaine.. Its a terrible drug and makes you do things u would not normally do.
I hope this helps. Feel free to ask me. Anything
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Hi Dan
Hope you are well
I was reading your reply to MJ and was wondering if I could ask you a question.
I haven’t been with my ex for a good few month now. However, we have 3 children together and he goes a week or sometimes more without seeing or speaking to them.
He is in full blown addiction mode using everynight as far as I am aware and gambling too. Most likely going with woman as well.
The thing I don’t really understand is why does he continue to manipulate me. If he is doing what he wants to do with who he wants to do it with why does he still not completely let go of me. He turns up after a period of time, not saying much due to him knowing he is in the wrong for not bothering with the kids. He then asks if I want to go to out with them….. like a family. Me and him went to a family funeral last week and he put his arm around me in front of everyone. It’s like mind games! Where not together he doesn’t bother with me when he is on cocaine, but when he does feel like he needs to see the kids he goes on like this. I just don’t understand him. Is it to show face make him feel better about himself?
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Hiya lece, hope your OK.
I hate to admit it but I’m in the same situation. But I’ve not used coke for 83 days now I think. And I go see my kids everyday no matter what..
I’ve not been with my ex for 4 month since she kicked me out but I do go round, and try and cuddle her and touch her. And we had sex the other week.
It’s obvious he still loves you and its hard to let go.
To me it just sounds like the coke is not making him make sound decisions if that makes sence.
He probably don’t know what he wants. And when the coke is wearing off and he’s on a come down, I think he could be thinking he hates being on is own and misses u and the kids.. The coke will be coming 1st that’s a fact.
I guess you won’t see the real him untill he quits.
I hope. I. Answered that ok lol.
Feel free to ask me anything.
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Thanks for your reply Dan.
Is it true that the drug completely takes over your mind. He seems to miss days and just shows no true feeling or emotion anymore. All he does is tell lies. He hasn’t had any clean time for a long while. The most he has went in the last year is probably a week – 10 days and that’s only been a few times.
He was a no show yesterday. Then I bumped into him earlier today and he was like “are you OK pet”. Like everything was normal. However, at times I do see a slight lowness in him if that makes sense.
Well done on your clean time. I can see you are trying really hard and I bet your ex is proud of your commitment.
In regards to finding it hard to let go. Do you think that’s because there is a tiny bit of his true self still there? Or is it just greed wants to do what he wants with who he wants whilst trying to keep me around.
He won’t admit to going with other woman apart from the cheating which went on for a good few months with the same girl when he was high. Even now when we are not together he still denies being with anyone.
In terms of sex I don’t think he would initiate anything. I think he would more or less avoid it. Not sure if its because of the missuse of the drug and he only has interest in it when he is using. Its like all feelings are dulled unless he is high.
Sorry last question- When you are in recovery do your emotions etc start to come back? If so how long does this take?
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Hey Mj
Just reading through what your going through,
From my experiences, my ‘partner’ he used to use with me, just weekend stuff but all sorts, I think we were quite careful, sex life was good and yeah he was defo more pervy on it….
Fast forward to last year and he spiraled out of control, a man that he considered his father figure passed away and his drug use went crazy, drinking and using every other day, he walked out on me because I wanted it to stop, sided with his friend who wanted to use just like him and that was that, I took him back countless times, fell pregnant and I continued to stay clean, work hard and make a complete u turn.
He was vile last year, screaming my street down, going crazy when we were out and about – all looney stuff!
This year and we have spoken more, he’s been trying to win me back as his friend has ditched him, but the whole pervy thing!!
Well the other night after seeing him for a couple of hours I came home,
All fine as far as I knew,
But come morning and I wake up to my phone and a million messages, he’s still awake, been up all night and I’m guessing about 3 tickets down,
He’s sending me pervy messages about what he wants to do to me, where and is sending me filthy photos of all sorts!!
Not what I expected to wake up to, I felt slightly uncomfortable and with my daughters in the house I just deleted it all very quick and ignored him
Anyway later in the evening I get messages saying he felt like an idiot, obviously a full day of sleeping and he’s woken up to what he’s done!!
I have no idea if he’s cheated on me, it makes me feel sick!, I will say that excessive use makes his little friend try n disappear so I’ve never been too worried but you never no!
I don’t like it though, I don’t feel comfortable knowing he’s more than likely watching porn and messaging people
It’s a horrible drug! X
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Hi MJ
Been through a similar situation. Not so much the receiving of dirty messages, but the dating websites and escort services were used by my ex when taking cocaine.
I also found out that he cheated. Not saying your partner has as everyone is different. However, I was with my ex from the age of 15 (17 years together, 3 kids) he had never showed / displayed any tenancies to cheat on me. He was a loyal honest person. When the drugs completely took a hold and he was using more or less every week for a few days in a row. Sometimes he even disappeared for a week or more. He completely changed and became an unfaithful, deceitful lier. I’m not saying your partner is this person, but I can say you can not trust him and there is a possibility he will cheat. Its a seady drug. I found that the filth was never used with me but must have been with others. He kept our sex life different to his cocaine one.
Keep ya chin up
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I know the gambling comes hand in hand with the cocaine for him. He was on one on Tuesday didn’t turn up for his sons birthday on Wednesday until tea time. Tbf he rang in morning I knew he had been up all night, so told him he was a vile selfish person and put the phone down on him. When he did turn up he took kids out and even spent yesterday with them too. Got to 2.30pm then he made his excuses (could see that he wanted to go and use). He said he’d come for them this morn and surprise surprise didn’t come. He’s been along his mams this afternoon and had the cheek to tell her he was coming to see kids but never turned up. Constant lies all the time. I think he actually believes his own lies. I just don’t understand why he feels the need to keep lying to me when where not together. Why not say what he is up to and stop going on like we are still a family when we are clearly not together.
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Thank you for that.
Yes there is always true self there and deep down he probably will hate what coke has done to him and his family.
It’s probably a weird comparison this but it is what has just come to my head, it’s like being possessed by an evil spirit and there is some of you still left and still good in you and it’s hard to break through if this makes sence.
It’s like having a devil and angel on your shoulder all the time
Everyone says this. Do this.. Don’t do that.. Ect..
Well I’m coming up to 3 months clean now, I meditate twice a day, I pray morning and bedtime. I eat healthy to get my nutrients for a healthy brain. And I feel great now I really do. I feel so happy. Don’t get me wrong I have my bad days. All my negative thinking has gone. I use think of the worse case scenario in my head.
The 1st few weeks of recovery are hard. You need to totally change your life around. Cut everyone off. Get anew number. Come off all social media. And get any negative people out of your life. I hope this helps. Ask me anything you want. I’m here to help.
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Hi mj
Detaching is probably the hardest part for us. You can’t just switch your feelings off or bury them like the addict can when using. I’ve struggled with detachment for 8 years and still now when we are not together the door is never fully closed on him.
I think I’ve given up now on believing he may change. However, I still have hope if that makes any sense. It’s like I’ve accepted that there is nothing more I can do, and that he has chosen the drug over his family, but I do hope that one day I may be proven wrong. This is what makes it so difficult for me to completely move on.
I do pray that eventually i will move past this and cut all ties with him but until then it’s like I’m still bound to him in some way. Especially with kids being involved.
Even now I know everything he says is lies. Yet he still manages to manipulate me. I think its because as long as you have contact with them you are constantly fighting with your feeling and emotions towards them, and you so want to believe what they are saying, so the manipulation still works.
The only advice I can give is the longer u have no contact the easier it gets. Dont get me wrong you still think of them and wonder what they are up to, but you don’t feel as much emotion / sadness etc when thinking about them. I know from practice when I go weeks without seeing my ex it gets easier but then soon as he randomly rocks up to see the kids it sets me right back. Literally feel like I have to start all over again. What hurts the most is that it doesn’t even look like it effects him one bit, but I think that is due to the suppressed feelings from the drug use.
In regards to knowing if they have cheated. I suppose you don’t no for definite unless you have proof. However, I seen escort sites on my exs 4n. He said it wasn’t what I thought……well what was it then?! Also he was more distant and not as touchy feely. Sex was awkward in respect he could not perform properly. All of this can be the effect of the cocaine though, so it’s hard to know without proof.
When I found out about the cheating what I didnt understand was why he didn’t leave me when he was going with the other woman. God knows I gave him loads of opportunities to walk away. Instead he chose to keep seeing her when he was high and be with me when he was normal (selfish). Obviously I was not aware of what he was up to. I just thought it was the cocaine binges. I gave him multiple chances for him to be with her without directly knowing what I was doing. He chose to stay with me and continue his affair until he was caught out.
Take care
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I feel your pain. I’m just waiting for him to turn up and ask for kids……I have planned in my head what I’m going to say probably not get it said though!!
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The lies come with the addiction, they come with every addiction.
I guess you will have to go with your gut instinct if u think he is cheating.
Just do what’s best for your now. He needs to want to get better for himself.
The lies will just roll off now aswell. That’s why now when I work the 12 steps I. Have to live an honest life or do my best, and lying is a big no no.. As this can lead to using.
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Hi Dan sorry to jump in on this can i ask when you relapsed in the past did you cut off from people you hurt or you’re partner my ex relapsed last week hasn’t been in touch or read my message I sent him. Thanks again for your insight x
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No because I lived with my ex at the time, and I needed to be with some one or you just go worse because of the come down.
There’s nothing worse than being on a come down on your own. So it helped me personally being with someone. Hope this helps
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Hi Dan, He just completely shuts down on a comedown now is quiet doesn’t say much & is very low in himself this is what hes mum tells me he lives with her. He doesn’t get in touch with me when he does it’s sorry ain’t been in touch ain’t been to good yet he still goes back to it.
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This is exactly what a come down does to you and sadly can lead to suicide. Me and my mate from the CA meeting was talking yesturday how it kills so many people. But it’s not from over dose, but from suicide because what it does to you mentally.
That’s just going to happen all the time I’m afraid.. Its the same for most addicts. They know what the end results are but that 20 mins of high, seems to make it seem better. When that’s far from the truth. Its just a vicious circle. He really needs just to think and tell him self I’ve had enough that’s it now.
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Hi Dan, the come downs sound awful, it truly is a vicious cycle only the addict can get out of. I think he’s realising it’s no fun no more he says the coke don’t do nothing now either how true this is I don’t know. He said that he gets the idea in he’s head and well you know the rest. He also said he’s going to try and stop it himself without help I mean some can but it will take a lot of relapses. Even with groups or rehabs the choice is up to the individual to stop he hasn’t been able to so far and he’s 2 years in to having no control over it.
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Hi MJ
Sorry to hear that. I hope you are okay. It’s an awful situation to be in, but at least it stops the constant wondering! Finding some truth is better than questioning it in your head and not knowing for certain. You can start processing things now. Its far from simple as your emotions will be all over and no doubt your partner will try to portray his side and provide some sort of explanation.
All I can say is stay strong and do what is right for you.
Take care
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Hey sorry to high jack your thread here. Hope you’re okay, it sounds like you are much better off without him in your life. Sorry to hear he’s been cheating on you, it will certainly help you now get the closure that you need and that will feel so good in time that you can move on and you will be happy. It will be tough you will have good and bad days but take each day at a time. Take care of yourself! Xx
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