[throwaway156789837]

I miss oxycodone so much. I miss the way that it would mellow out the pain in my neck, I miss the way it would turn the sputtery and shrill sound of my dreadful aircon into a beautiful hum of white noise and I miss the fact it made me feel good to be me, even after a break up.

I was never truly high off of oxycodone in the traditional sense. More I just felt as though all the screaming in my brain was turned from a 10/10 to a comfortable 3/10. I could sense the torment if I tried but I remained blissfully ignorant most of the time.

I could have taken other drugs. Gabapentinoids to loose touch with my family clawing their way under my skin, nitrous to feel such a strong lack of presence for a mere five seconds that I would lust of it for days after the binge, so much promethazine to dim my mental candle until it was just a faint flicker in my mental peripherals, benzodiazepines to make me feel an innocence that I could only slightly remember from my childhood or even antidepressants to feel so tired that I could sleep for 18 hours.

Despite the backlash I would face for getting pills and for being secretly high in my bedroom at two in the morning speaking to arguably my best friend at the time, one who I’d never even met face to face, I would choose to go back in a heartbeat. I desire for the ability to feel so calm that I could almost cry from contentment. Yet I never did as the opioids coursing through my body made it feel as though crying would be too much effort.

However, I know that from the initial love I felt for oxycodone things only get worse. The highs fade into normalcy, the cheap $10 pills turn to $40 then to $100 four times a day and that the allure of the aforementioned calmness could lead to worse options. Still I would be willing to endure that pain for the mere idea of rekindling my long lost love.

I won’t though. I’ve earned the point I’m up to. Three months, whilst it doesn’t seem like a long time still feels like decades in my mind. I can’t give in. I have too much now and I can’t afford to have so little again.

[scot30yrsm]

The way you write is beautiful. I felt every word, every feeling, every experience. My own struggles with opioids, tramadol and codiene, feel strikingly similar to the way you describe your own; contentment and silent, humble elation and just a sense of being at peace. Nothing else can replace it, and the way I feel sometimes even makes it seems like addiction is worthwhile. But it’s not. Sending you positivity and motivation.

[pepsi89]

I’m interested as the man who’s been in love with me for 4 months cake off oxydone 5mg twice a day in January.

He over reacted yesterday to something and went all out and blocked me on every place of contact. I know he’s struggled with his back pain since coming off them.

Apart from yesterday I’ve felt he was doing alot better without them. He went cold turkey though! I have always been suspicious about how he takes them and comes back off. The gp gives him 56.

He struggles massively with sleep but has started eating again.

I think it’s really sad that someone has to choose between pain or being off the planet like he was. Even if he gets back in touch I know his moods and reactions are too strong for me. So I’ve lost the person I loved due to the ups and downs linked to oxycodone and depression.

Thanks for sharing your story.

[Author]

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