[ryan]

I am currently aged twenty and I live in London.

My father is a multi – poly drug (Ketamine, Crack Cocaine, Heroin and Amphetamine) user; my father returned to drugs when I was seven.
My parents separated when I was six and by the age of seven my father started doing Ketamine. During the first days of his drug use; my father lost his sense of humour, then his even temperament (he would become violent) and then his kindness according to my mother; but I was to young to remember when he had these qualities.

Throughout my early childhood, when I would visit my father; I could see that the most important thing in the room was his beloved drugs and not me.

When I turned thirteen, my father started taking multiple drugs by which time my father had stopped washing himself or his clothes and had become a complete embarrassment. During this time my father would harangue me or my mother all the time and his associates were very disreputable people.

By the age of sixteen, my father had got my young cousin into heavy drug use and left me and my mother in debt and the lasting repercussion of my cousin’s drug use.

When I turned eighteen my father had lost all of his teeth and weighed a third of what he used to. Around this time I would read in a medical report; stating that he had become a violent psychopath.

Now that I am twenty I look back at my early years with the notion that I was better of without a father.
Me and my mother would sometimes live in fear of the loathsome and violent creature my father had become and no matter the amount of times we called the police (a regular occurrence) he would not relent in his drug induced madness.

When my mother and I would try to take action to stop my father from seeing us; he would threaten to have me put into his care or become even more violent.
My mother desperately tried to find help but she could not find any and we were over looked or ignored by social services.

Now that I am older and able to fend off my father in his fits of violent rage and protect my mother; me and mother are a lot happier that I can stop my father’s aggression towards us.
While I am not free of my father and I am unable to be free off him until I move; I am no longer that scared and cowering child.
I can say that I am unbowed in my determination not to let my father control me; no matter how much he screams, cries or becomes hysterical and violent.

I still want to cry for the lost little boy that I was and the man I have become.

All I can says to those out there; remain strong, be true to yourself and live with hope.

From Ryan

[detta]

Ryan what a beautiful insightful amazing young man you are. Do cry for the little boy but he isnt lost he has you remind yourself of that often. You will make a wonderful father and great husband to someone and I don’t know what your hopes and dreams are but you would also be an absolute gem of a care worker or addiction therapist. You write beautifully and have a deep understanding of what is important and real. I wish you love and luck in whatever you do and never forget you are amazing x

[Author]

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