[rubyroo]

I am new to here so bare with me, I have been with my partner 2 years and I am madly in love with him and never connected with anyone like this. I saw a future and couldn’t imagine a life without him.

My partner has a huge crack cocaine addiction and has had for years but was clean when we started dating. But the past 6 months he has been relapsing and in a big way. I had to make him stay at his mothers as he has been violent on occasion and he is absolutely fixated on the fact that I am a cheat, I have people in my house, he even insists he can see love bites on me. None of these things have ever happened and I have been loyal and supportive and done all I can to try to get him straight. I realise I can’t make him do anything it has to come from him. My problem is he ignores me for weeks and then says he will meet someone new blocks my number while he is high and under this haze where he thinks I’m his trigger I twist his head I have been sleeping with all his mates. I get called all sorts of names and it is depressing me so much I am struggling as to what I should do. I k ow I should run away from him but I live in the hope that he will realise his drugs are ruining everything in his life and is also affecting everyone around him. What made things worse I fell pregnant and this seemed to up his usage as I lost the child and he is now adamant I got rid of it as he believes it wasn’t his. He is so nasty and volatile when he uses them when he stops I see the man I love, but then he doesn’t seem to be able to stop, for even a day and says he has no problem as he works and he is better than anyone I know. I guess what I’m wondering is if I need to stay strong and stay away from him as this is really destroying my mental health. I’m constantly proving I do nothing wrong but then there’s another fixation that he dreams up. For example this week he has decided I am on dating sites he has seen me on there. Again this has never happened. I just don’t know how to get through to him and I don’t Want him dead I don’t want to give up on him but he seems to give up and chose crack every day. Sorry if this is jumbled, it’s taken me a lot to write this post… I just hope someone can make me do what’s right for me if nothing else.

[debc]

Hi Rubyroo,

Welcome to the Forum, where you will find many people in similar situations to yourself.

I have to be very honest with you, I personally would not stay with your partner, his behaviour towards you is causing you to be depressed and wondering what the next thing he is going to say you have done wrong.

He won’t change until he decides he wants to, and only they can decide this, nothing we say or do will help them make their minds up, it’s the addiction.

I hope you stay strong for your own wellbeing.

Read the other stories on the Forum, they are very useful.

Take care of yourself.

Dx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Rubyroo,

Thank you for being brave and sharing your story. This such a good forum where you should find many people who will give you good advice and support.

I can imagine how your mental health must be suffering with all that you are going through with your partner and I am so sorry to hear that you lost your baby too.

If you think we could help please contact us at The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports the families of addicts, as we know how hard this can be. We have a team of trained and experienced people, one of whom you could talk with if you get in touch. They would listen and understand what you are going through which might help you to know what is the right thing for you to do.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[rubyroo]

Hi, so it’s 5am and after all the promises and me listening and offering to support and help.:. He didn’t turn up again, and I could tell the distinct pattern! He’s using! After all day telling me he loves me and I really do love him and I reassure him I’m not Cheating or talking to anyone. He goes mad calls me a sl@g wh@re and worse etc and then calls me from 3;40 demanding to know who’s in my house, to a point where he makes me video call to prove it! Says I’m twisting his head it’s all me! I’m lost I’m confused breaking my heart yet again, disrupting my life. I’m so anxious and lost, he even makes his kids believe I’m sat with someone, why they now hate me! I know I can’t make him change but I’m in love with him when he’s normal he’s my world and it’s killing me to know I’ve got to lose that person cos of his choices, and nothing I can do will wake him up! Another awful day, but there are so many, when will I wake up ????

[kklost]

I couldn’t not reply.

I feel for you. I can hear your heart breaking.

I have learnt one thing on my own personal journey with my husband. You need support, you need counselling. I wasn’t one for that, I have never had professional help before finding out I had been married to a occasional drug user for 21years.

I cried and cried. I broke into pieces but had to draw my own boundaries. Once I sorted that it made everything clearer.

But after 6 months of sessions I have learnt and I now believe –

This is not your fault

This is not your demons

You cannot help

They only help themselves and on their own terms

Many will tell you not give ultimatums – they don’t work.

But I did exactly that to my husband and have been testing him every two days. He has been clean 6 months.

I know now if he fails even one test I will walk away.

But this has taken me months to get to this strength. Be kind to yourself but be truthful with yourself! Never sacrifice your own happiness for his.

I hope I have helped x

[rubyroo]

Hi Kklost,

Thank you for replying. Things have got beyond terrible and I’m struggling… but your response has helped.

This weekend he turned up crying begging for my help, I stupidly agreed told him to get clothes and come back sleep and we would get advice. He then turned called me a wh@re and left and carried on his smoking, so much so that he then went to the police to say I was having him followed And had emptied his bank crazy crazy stuff, then told his children the same, so I then got abuse off them too! It’s literally horrendous. I hear what you are saying, I just don’t know how to turn my back when u see he is in such a bad place. The police wanted to section him. I am protecting myself but mentally I’m exhausted and hurt. Where did you go for counselling as this has taken a huge toll on me and I’m just trying to keep my head above water at the moment. He doesn’t seem to even want help! It hurts his children think I’m the problem it’s just every angle but I can’t reason with unreasonable As he’s not even acting like the man I fell in love with. I have set boundaries; and I will maintain them now; as no matter how bad I’m feeling now, it doesn’t compare to how bad he’s making me feel every day! Even his children are abusive to me now and it’s not a nice place to be. I will get there though as I see it’s not me. All I’ve done is be decent and kind and try to help, but I can’t fix someone no one can!

Do I just go dr for a referral for counselling? I’m out of my depth here!

Thanks for your advice and kind words,

Ruby x

[kklost]

I’m really sorry that things have got even worse.

You have no choice but to walk away.

This is his problem

You can’t fix him – only he can

My husband said I was a trigger when he was withdrawing from if. That broke me, but since he’s been clean he said he wanted to hurt me. He wanted me to feel shit because he was.

I said he had to go to the GP, and he did. They offered him counselling. His started straight away. Mine took 8 weeks, as I was the stable one.

Make a GP appointment and see what they can offer.

As mine took so long I found someone locally and said I wanted a counsellor who would see me, then hubby and then us together. We started that in June. It has helped so much, really made things super clear. I did about 2 sessions alone, 5 as a couple and then I realised he needed it.

So he now does AA smart meeting (online)

NA smart meeting

Private counselling all once a week.

There are online counselling/smart groups everyday of the week for free. Your GP should be able to point you in the right direction.

You have no choice but to leave him and walk away.

Everyone will then see it’s not you, you aren’t causing this.

You have no choice and you can’t fix him. You can only fix yourself and if you stay, and he doesn’t change, then you are causing yourself misery.

When I found out about my husband it was the biggest shock. I did everything they say not to do.

I demanded he stop. I demanded his whole salary be paid into our joint account, I demanded he see the GP, GP said Social Services had to be called (that was one of the hardest parts for me as we have three young children) I demanded he test every two days – this he did for 5 months, no it’s ad hoc testing.

He did it all, he did every single thing I demanded of him. I now know why… he knows I wasn’t ever going to accept his drug habit, I will never accept it and I will leave him if he ever fails one test.

At first I worried I wouldn’t stand up to that, but now 6 months clean. I KNOW I would have and I still would. I will never be with him if he uses drugs even once more. It isn’t an option.

Statistics say they always relapse etc… and I read hundreds of stories on here of relapses. I walked around with a sick dread in my stomach that I was asking too much. I wasn’t! I was asking for what I deserved and what his children deserved.

You deserve to be loved, looked after and be put number one.

Tell yourself you can’t fix him. This is not your fault and it’s time to walk away.

If he chooses drugs, then you rebuild yourself. That’s all you can do. All you can do is fix and mend yourself.

[sadwife]

My husband uses coke but he says the same things to me .its heartbreaking I love him too but I can’t keep living like this . He’s hurting me saying the shit he says and it’s not right I’ve been with my hubby threw thick and thin good and bad . But how much can we take

[kklost]

I don’t know, it’s incredible how far we can be pushed.

I’ve been pushed to limits I didn’t think I would go over. But I’m at the max with them. That I know.

Have you been able to get any help from your GP or talking to a professional? I would def recommend it. It really helps.

[sadwife]

What’s Gp?

[sadwife]

Whatever it is I need too

[kklost]

You doctor? We are in the UK – where are you? Our local doctor is called a GP and they help with stuff like this.

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