[riesena]

Hello ????.

I’m new here and I’m stunned how many people are in the similar situation to mine. I guess I’m looking for support because I just don’t know what to do anymore.

September last year my fiancé broke to me that he’s been using cocaine for 9 months nearly every day. By ‘broke to me’ it was me asking him whether he did because his behaviour changed, he always had a bunged up nose and he kept withdrawing from me. After many months of tears, more secrets out, him having a mental breakdown and being thousands of pounds in debt I finally thought we were getting somewhere. He was back at work part time, stopped using (last time he did was in February this year) and was some version of himself before all this. He then started struggling again with his mental health and I could just see he’s slipping again. Then he used an opportunity when I was out with friends to buy some and took it all at once… I’m just so heartbroken, we postponed the wedding again because of his mental health and debt, but now I don’t even know if I can commit to him and this recovery.

I read a lot of horror stories of husbands hiding, lying and being monsters on this forum. My fiance did blame me for a lot when he was very poorly with his mental health, but since I’ve found out about his addiction he’s told me about every relapse. He knows he’s got a problem, he suggested I take all his bank cards so he can’t buy any that he will go to all the meetings again and will start talking to his therapist again. So it seems like he wants to get better, but I just wonder whether I’m clinging onto whatever I can. He’s also said it can be all over tomorrow, I just need to say because it’s his battle and he’s dragging me down and I don’t deserve it. I just need to tell him to go and ill have my life back. Like it is a lot of the times with these things, he has been using drugs to deal with his poor mental health, so that’s a problem as much as the drugs, as he seems to be reaching out for them every time he struggles. At this point I’m not sure whether I can marry him and commit my life to this. Its been nearly 2 years of hell and its just not life. Im 31, weve been together for nearly 8 years and i just feel robbed of my future. I thought we would be trying for babies right now, yet were here, with the wedding postponed again, and so much heartache idk i can take anymore. So I guess I’m reaching out for a bit of support, and perhaps an opinion of people who might be in a similar situation to mine.

[donthaveaclue]

Hi Riesena

I’m sorry that you find yourself here too.

I haven’t been able to marry mine – we have been engaged for years. I’m in the process of moving out. We share a child.

My opinion, based on my own experiences, is that it is better to leave if you want children. You are young enough to be able to meet someone else and still have children.

The reason I say this is because imagine living this life indefinitely and either not having a child because of that or having one in these circumstances… it makes everything so much harder if you do and you are forever linked to the addict. Our child is not prioritised by their father, the drug is, both in terms of time and financially. Our child has to suffer the knock-on effects of their dad’s volatile mental health until we are able to be rehoused. It is not the relationship I wanted for our child.

My addict’s usage is also intrinsically linked with his poor mental health. He uses the drugs and drink and cigarettes as a means of coping but it is a cycle… they don’t help and just make it worse. If you use enough cocaine can permanently alter the brain… so mine now suffers with delusions and paranoia. This makes life hell. It’s all just so exhausting and like you said, it’s not really living a life along with them. You are merely existing alongside them.

xx

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