[daisy]

I have been married for 23 years and my husband has always been a heavy drinker. Over the last 10 years his drinking has sliwly got worse and worse. He will admit he is dependent on drink but wont admit he is an akcoholic. He doesnt touch alcohol until 5 pm but then drinks at least 2 cans of lager and a bottle of wine every night. He also has quite a few medical priblems and is i am sure adficted to cocodomol and tramadol. I feel i am his carer. He has got a lot worse over the last year and falls over a lot at night with a few trips to hospital for cuts and injuries. I have to carry him to bed and watch him constantly. He suffers frim stress anxiety and now even ocd traits and would almost say he could be diagnosed with some form of autism. He is unsocial, dislikes people, awkward and gets fixated in his routine. He has lost so much weight I feel like I am watching him slowly kill himself. I work full time and support us both. I lie for him, cover up and make excuses constantly. I know he is vulnerable but im just list as to what to do for him or me.

[shezzie]

Dear Daisy, your post resonated with me and my current situation. I am married and have a husband who has always ‘been a drinker’, he’s pulled back at times not having spirits or wine or an enforced break fro alcohol – though never substantial (after some upset time). I’ve drunk lots at times either socially or to relieve work stress in a past job. But it’s my relationship with drink that’s different – I can take it or leave it, often have runs of days with none and make sure I have 2 separate months completely off a year. His relationship is that it is a crutch, his best buddy and increasingly it has become the only way to cope with all the stresses of life (which I’ve rationalised are there for everyone, just in different guises). He has become so miserable… that there is no joy in anything and I’m completely miserable with it too. Threats have had no effect, care has had no effect, and it’s only recently that he’s seen it as a problem for him… it’s been ‘my’ problem. He blames the whole world for his suffering and now is off work with anxiety depression and is being assessed for PTSD. I can’t tell what is what and my whole life has been taken over by this daily struggle to try to support and move him forward to help.

I can’t see that anything positive can be done via the health services – who are now getting moving – since I’ve said that he is now drink dependant/self medicating with drink and in the mornings too (9 months off work / 4 sets of pills / some private counselling )…

We’re moving towards an assessment for community based detox but I don’t know if he wants this – for himself – everything I read says nothing will work ’till they want it for themselves’. I have no idea if he’s ready. I cry and scream inside everyday and hate my role. I regret many many decisions in the past and feel guilt – if only I’d done this or that. Then I’m angry and think I should just leave and try to have some life for the rest of my life…

It’s been a long time worry/concern and now it feel like a life sentence. I vary from motivated hope to complete despair.

In hindsight I would have applied the truth earlier – to the doctor, to family, but no-one else lives anyone else’s life… and there is no quick fix or clock rewind button.

I send hugs and hope you can find a way to a more positive and happier place – whenever that may be.

[shezzie]

Sorry Daisy… I meant to have put

“I can’t see that anything positive can be done via the health services – who are now getting moving – since I’ve said that he is now drink dependant/self medicating with drink and in the mornings too (9 months off work / 4 sets of pills / some private counselling )…

TILL HE’S PHYSICALLY/PSYCHOLOGICALLY FREE OF THE ALCOHOL

[leigh]

Daisy and shezzie

I am currently dealing with my own struggles of a similar nature. Me and my partner are 6 and a half years into or relationship and although he’s had clean periods eventually he’s demons take over again.
I get blamed a lot of the time when he want to use not directly but he causes problems so he can.
He is however attending NA meetings these are free confidential and open to anyone who wants to stop. You don’t have to be clean when you go all they ask is you’re willing to try,
When my partner attend he feels fantastic the support network is great and unlike me they will never roll their eyes when he says he wants to use there is no judgement whatsoever. He does still relapse and it feels incredibly hurtful and personal to me especially when he blames me for him doing it for example I’ve been moody and making him feel on edge. But every time he returns to he’s meetings he gets a little further along the path to get clean and I get a little prouder. I’ve had many of times I’ve seriously considered leaving but I’ve started doing more and more research and as much as I want to be involved and help I’ve come to understand it’s not my place only he can do this and only when he’s ready and that may take a while but he is really willing to give all he can.
I hope you all find the right help its so tough for families too x

[icarus-trust]

Hi Daisy, Shezzie and Leigh,
Thanks to all of you for sharing your stories. I’m sorry that you are having such a difficult time. If it would help you to offload to people that would understand what you’re dealing with please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that provides support for people like yourselves who are having to deal with a loved one’s addiction. We offer a free service called ‘Family Friends’. They are our experienced trained volunteers. Talking with one of them might help you to find a way ahead.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck with everything.

[Author]

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