My husband and cocaine

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    • #5009
      b8988
      Participant

      Hi, my husband is a cocaine addict, I’ve been married for 10 years been together for 16 years. My husband is my best friend, a very loyal, honest and loving man before addiction took hold.

      My husband was practically teetotal before trying cocaine once when he was 30, given to him by a good friend on a day to watch the football. He soon became hooked but this was kept a secret from me for 4 years. He would use when me and my children were asleep in bed. All unknown to us. His behaviour changed massively over this time, paranoia, moodiness and generally being off with us and everyone else, these were the signs, but I failed to see the cause. I often thought he was having a midlife crisis or experiencing some kind of depression.

      Then the night I found out it was cocaine, was the night I was pregnant with our 5th child, he went out to buy dinner and came home intoxicated. He lied and denied everything. We had an explosive argument and shamefully I threw a cup at him. He was enraged and left!

      He went to stay with a friend who doesn’t use drugs. During his period away, his behaviour become worse, he hated me, he blamed me for everything, he lost his job “that was apparently my fault” as he failed a drug test. He started trying to move on, messaging other women on Facebook, telling them we had been separated ages ago and how I was abusive and how he didn’t love me. (This man adored me, everyone said the same, he’d ring me roughly 4 times everyday just to talk to me and see how me and the children were, during the whole of our relationship).

      He stole two cars belonging to relatives and drove intoxicated to pick up drugs. He was arrested for the one and charged.

      He bought cocaine on the way to the cinema when he was with our children and used throughout the film, making regular trips to the bathroom. I could go on and on! despite most of these occurrences, he still didn’t think he was an addict, he thought it was probably a bit of an issue, but he definitely was not an addict! I could see the horror on his face when it was ever suggested. To him, heroin or crack users were addicts, not him. This caused me great upset, as if he wasn’t an addict, that meant these were all choices.

      He went to live with his mum even further away and being so far away from us made him realise what he was missing. He got a job and trained hard at the gym, but never attended meetings. He came back and was clean for 6 months just in time for our baby to be born. He was fab with her and went back to being the fab dad to our other children that he was pre drugs. I was so happy that I felt I had the old him back.

      Two weeks before Christmas he relapsed, he was given some on community services, as apparently that’s a thing, it’s a jolly boys outing for drugs. I was devastated, he didn’t come home and confess, the lies started straight away and this time he couldn’t convince me, I knew he was using.

      He spent the next few weeks using and sleeping rough in our garage, as I wouldn’t let him in our house because I don’t want drugs around my children, especially now I’ve got the baby.

      The bit that hurt me the most was during one of these reckless nights, he didn’t come home for me to go on my work party, I found him slumped in the pub, alone with the barmaid. He’d apparently told her she was an attractive girl! Not in a pervy way, she said it was said in a conversation, but he was also missing his wedding ring. When I asked him why, he denied everything, he said his ring was off before he went out and swore on our children’s lives. He’s not the sort of person to cheat, at all! so again it confused me.

      He then confessed to saying it in hope she’d flirt back, to make him feel good about himself, as I’m always threatening him with divorce and he feels like a scum bag, at the best of times. I’ve said horrible things to him in the past, that has made him feel insecure. The once in temper I told him he wasn’t attractive to me. This was said in anger because he was behaving appallingly, but it seemed to stay in his head.

      He still swore he would never cheat though and that he loves me more than anything. I think he’s doing this because he knows with me now, he can no longer hide his addiction, I will eventually leave him and he’s putting feelers out for moving on. However, he says you don’t think like that when you’re on drugs, there’s no logic behind it, or thinking of moving on. You just act out on what you’re thinking at the time, every time you feel differently.

      It’s all still so confusing for me. I just wish he’d go back to the man he was before. It’s so horrible to see someone you love, go on self destruct and there’s nothing you can do for them.

    • #10697
      danman83
      Participant

      Simular story to me. But im the user, well 2 weeks soba so far. I did the cinema thing im ashamed to say. Your husband is an addict. I never thought i was but i am. If you have it for more than 6 months than you are you have planted the seed as they say. Whats the situation now? Do you still want be with him? Does he want to quit?

    • #10701
      b8988
      Participant

      Hi yes I love him more than anything and I know he does me. It’s just I don’t understand it, he says when you get the thought in your head to use, you can’t stop from using even though you don’t want to, your brain makes you think you do. He says you kid yourself too thinking 2 lines will be ok, but it never is, then you kick yourself when you’ve used but then you’re feeling anxious and need alcohol to calm you down or more coke. It’s a big cycle really. He says if he feels stressed or bad on a come down he will use again and if he’s bored. He needs to go to meetings.

      Our relationship was perfect we never fought once, never had any trust issues, but the drug has made our relationship toxic, he was accusing me of having affairs when I’d never dream of such a thing. In my temper I told him he wasn’t that attractive to me, as he hounded me for 10 months about the fact that I’d slept with other men before I met him. This was never a problem for 14 years, then suddenly it was. I got fed up of the abuse, not realising at the time it was down to drugs.

      • #21883
        jennabailey299
        Participant

        I am pretty sure I lost the man I was talking to due to cocaine. It just suddenly clicked and made sense. We had been talking for 10 months. Over those 10 months I noticed a steady mental health decline. He also brought up cocaine quite a few times in our conversations and I just never picked up on it. I just though he had alcohol problems. But it makes sense the depression, anxiety, him always complaining about his health. A few times I remember him being super loud and confident over for absolutely no reason and it drove me nuts. He recently decided to randomly shut me out and then appears with some girlfriend that I never even heard of and I don’t think he has known long at all. He just didn’t make sense at all. The constant back and forth behavior etc, the bad anxiety.

    • #10702
      b8988
      Participant

      I’m paranoid now he will end up cheating on me, as his head gets so mashed up. Think he’s suffering from low self esteem and wanted an ego boost. He said in his head it’s only a matter of time before I leave him and take the kids, then he’ll have nothing. But I try and be supportive but I can’t stand him still lying to my face, even now. Why can’t he just admit he’s used when he has?

      • #14906
        kristi
        Participant

        Yeah that sounds bad. I’m so sorry. Going through the same thing. He says he’s never cheated on me? Yeah right? Why should I believe him

    • #10703
      danman83
      Participant

      Honestly its same what i do. But ive learned now how to avoid these trigger points. He needs to start planning ahead for his next relapse. He needs delete all his mates nums and dealers out his phone. He needs take up a hobbie and play the tape through.. basically imagine what will it be like if he picks up tonight , does he really want to feel shitty and down after it. Does he want to quit?

      • #27631
        sjg94
        Participant

        Hi is there any chance you could talk to my boyfriend about how cocaine affects you and your brain please because he doesn’t seem to listen to me he is so paranoid it’s unreal he accuses me 24/7 when I’ve done nothing wrong just looking after my baby i don’t know what to do with him anymore I need someone to talk to him just so he knows I’m not just saying it can any cocaine users help me please???

        • #27632
          faithnotfear
          Participant

          i know danman will have a helpful insight into this but have you tried calling the cauk number yourself. they might be able to speak to your boyfriend and maybe even persuade him to come to a meeting. they might help you a little too.

          cocaine can make you very, very paranoid and almost delusional really. my husband said the most bizarre and horrible things in active addiction.

          please look after yourself and your baby because things can get very nasty when the discussions get heated. maybe have an escape plan in your mind if you need to get away fast.

          i didn’t know my husband was on cocaine but i knew his alcohol usage was off the scale. i would literally have 999 at the ready in my pocket most weekends when he was at his worst, i never had to use it though…the threat was enough to shut him up a bit (probably because he didn’t want to be busted for drugs).

          if your bloke is using frequently then his mind is completely hijacked at the moment, he just won’t be thinking straight. that’s why he won’t listen to you.

          big hugs to you and your baby, you’re not alone, we’re all here for you x

    • #10705
      b8988
      Participant

      He says he wants to but never learned the techniques to say no, he’s living with his mum now 3 hours away from us, as social services got involved as i phoned the police on him one night after we were arguing as I can’t cope with him when he goes off on these week long self destruct benders.

      He says whilst he’s there he’s going to go to loads of different meetings to kick it once and for all but it will be years before I ever fully relax.

      Can I ask you, could you cheat on coke? I know it makes you horny but he says no you still know what you’re doing. But if you do know what you’re doing why would he tell the barmaid she was attractive? He said you just chat shit and stuff you say doesn’t have to be a reason for it. He says I’m always thinking stuff he’s said and done is from a logical point of view and he said it’s not, everything is distorted and messed up!

      • #16916
        stephoxo
        Participant

        The triggers are alcohol, boredom and depression. Alcohol is the worst trigger! I would say that he needs to keep himself busy to keep his mind off it and stay away from the pub/mates who do it etc.

        In regards to cheating- men normally can not get it up when on it but it can sometimes make you horny. Other times you’re too dazed to even think about sex. You can not stop talking and sometimes talk absolute nonsense for the sake of talking!

    • #10706
      hox
      Participant

      Same thing here, fourteen wonderful years of marriage and not a cross word. A perfect marriage for both of us. Then came the coke. It has destroyed my life. It hasn’t destroyed his though as he is a different person. He hasn’t got a problem. Sometimes I think that he has blanked out all of these happy years. He has no emotions. I love my husband but this thing he has become I am coming to hate. I too hope my husband returns to being the loving man he used to be.

    • #10708
      b8988
      Participant

      Hi, well last February my husband was literally a monster, I didn’t recognise him at all, the way he would speak to me and make me cry, my lovely husband wouldn’t do this. He left me and his kids New Year’s Eve 2017 just ran out and tried to score drugs although I was unaware of that at the time, I thought he’d just become a horrible, vile person. It all makes sense now. He was so far away from the person he was. If I was ever upset my husband would cry because I was upset before drugs.

      Then when I caught him using in our house in Feb with our kids in the house and lied to my face, I shamefully admit I threw a glass at him, I blame pregnancy hormones. He then went on a week long rampage, that’s when he started adding loads of women on fb telling them we’d been spilt for ages. He told everyone I was abusive and he wasn’t willing to put up with it, not mentioning the drugs, so I outed him! To everyone. This made him furious! He literally hated me that week! I cried all the time, my pregnancy was ruined then when he stopped taking drugs for a bit he realised what he had done and was really upset he said he loved me more than anything but drugs had made him hate everyone and everything.

      He also got like depression in between using, he said he didn’t feel love towards me or the kids or anything. He just felt numb. He said if his dad died at the time he wouldn’t have been bothered.

      Try not to take it personally, I’m sure he does love you really, it’s just coke is a mind altering drug, until he’s off it not much can be done. That’s the most heartbreaking thing. Plus I want my husband to come back to normal so bad, I’ve learned that if I set boundaries but am nice to him and try to understand he opens up more. When I used to think what he was doing was a choice I’d fight with him, which made it all 10 times worse. I tell him that I love him and when he’s clean we will be here for him. Although I’m not sure when that will be!

      • #10709
        hox
        Participant

        If I was upset or cried my husband would cry with me. Before the coke took hold. There is no love towards me he feels like a different person. Like you say if his dad died he would have no emotion now.

        I have stopped getting angry with him and try to be what was my normal self its hard work when all I want to do is rip his head off. Hopefully he will realise that coke is the problem. It has definitely altered his mind.

      • #10717
        georgia26
        Participant

        Bless you, thats so horrendous. Thats my worst nightmare you know, being pregnant and feeling the way I do at the moment.

        You are right, it makes them so so selfish, I have cried my heart out and said I am leaving and hes snuck out the front and sniffed cocaine again, that comes first.

        Mine knows he needs help and hes getting it, at the moment he does it about once a month so is in ‘recovery’ I suppose, as before he was drinking like 5 days a week and probs doing cocaine as well, not that he’ll admit it.

        mine relapsed on Wednesday, he went mad last night in rage and threw our wheelie bin across the garden – this is what drugs/alcohol do to him the days after, his mental health is massively affected, he cries and hates it, I am so so done with crying.

        He is so determined but I have heard it so many times before. Counselling starts Monday. I cant cope with the anxiety I am living with daily.

        B8988 – how did you stop getting so angry when your husband does it? when mine relapses I get SO angry, I dont blame you for throwing a glass to be honest.

        Cocaine brain makes them so so selfish, like no feelings – what a vile disgusting horrible drug, I have prayed and asked god to help, and ive never been religious even. I am so done with it all its bringing me down.

        I wanted to start a family with him, i am still young but thats not possible right now.. I dont want to go through this forever.

        • #18485
          nod23
          Participant

          I get exactly the same! It makes me so angry! Last week he came home again off his face, I threw water over him and threw shoes at him! I hate that he makes me so angry 🙁 he is also a cryer after and says how he will never do it again etc but he just can’t stick to it longer than 5 days now

    • #10710
      b8988
      Participant

      Literally you need to remind him of the man he used to be or rather what he could be like again in the future. Trouble is it depends where he is in the cycle. When my husband was deep in it last year I’d pour my heart out in messages and say people don’t know how I’m coping and he’d reply with “you deserve a medal” he was disgusting! He just seen me as some naggy wife who was ruining his life, if your husband is at that point there is no more you can do for him until he either has a period when he’s not using so much ( brain levels may return to somewhat normal) or he realises that he’s more miserable on the drugs then off! Xx

      • #10711
        hox
        Participant

        I think I’m probably skirting round the nagging wife phase. I have to wait for something to happen like you say either he doesn’t use as much or he takes too much and comes to his senses.

        I do when we have a conversation remind him of past happy times. But conversations are few and far between now. Before the coke we would converse about anything all of the time.

      • #21884
        jennabailey299
        Participant

        I would love if we could have a conversation!! I would love to know what your signs were that you saw etc.

    • #10712
      danman83
      Participant

      Yes it makes u do stupid things. I did it once to my gf. And am gutted about it and regret it .

    • #10718
      b8988
      Participant

      georgia26- when he started sleeping rough in my garage. My garage is a horrible filthy place, it has a leaky roof and he down the garden. To stay in there at night because he has nowhere else to go in minus degree weather showed me that no one would choose this life. I suppose it’s like looking at homeless people or prostitutes, you wouldn’t choose to do them things would you? So that shows how much of a pull the drug must have.

      Although I still get upset at his behaviour, my brain still kids me that he doesn’t love me as if he did he would stop. But I know my real husband loved me to death, everyone says he idolised me, that’s the bit that makes it so hard.

      He’s withdrawn from old friends now and associating with local young lads (idiots) (chavs) who probably only take coke recreationally. Although when he’s on a come down he will admit he only does that because it’s part of the drug circle, he’d never associate with them normally. He used to be a really respected man, he was a fireman.

      I went mad when I caught him in the pub without his wedding ring and he’d told the barmaid she was attractive, I still don’t know what that was about as normally I have no trust issues at all. I don’t know if it’s becsuse the drug makes you horny although he says if that was the case wouldn’t he have said something more sexual than “ oh youre an attractive girl” or it was as he said he felt like shit and was after attention as he realises it’s only a matter of time before I leave him as I threaten it so often.

      He’s moved away now to try and get clean, he’s going to NA meetings and attending church groups although he’s never been religious. I know what you mean though, how will you know that they are trying for themselves? I sometimes think he does it just so I don’t leave him then comes back and it happens again. This time I’ve told him it has to be long term as I’m not going through it again!

    • #10719
      georgia26
      Participant

      how sad, its like the person you love and know dies but theyre still there alive just a different person. My bf is only doing it once a month self medicating for his anxiety but I am worried itll get to this point, he is getting help, but I am struggling to deal with the relapses and stuff I get so angry, my life is on hold until he sorts this, I cannot start a family with him, I dont want to be pregnant going through this.

      Sending you lots of love and strength B8988.

      hoping to god mine gets over this stage, sometimes i wonder what on earth ive done to deserve this.

      xx

    • #10720
      b8988
      Participant

      Yes it’s like they’ve died but even worse, because at least if they had you know that they were a good person and still loved you.

      What you’re left with is a monster hiding in the body of the person you love. You can’t trust a word they say, even over little things that aren’t drug related, it’s like their whole personality has changed. This drives you mad and you question your own sanity even though you know really it’s them! It’s so bizarre!

    • #13818
      rev
      Participant

      Hi. Unfortunately I am now an addict for 3 years and over 40!

      It took me off guard as I was fighting depression and this seemed to help.

      I can confirm that although you still love your family it without doubt takes a bit of your soul and makes you extremely manipulative and cold and your sole purpose is to get coke, talk about coke or factor in when you can next take it. Its awful and exceptionally hard to give up.

      It really is the devils food

      • #13827
        b8988
        Participant

        Welcome, I haven’t been on for a while, mainly due to the fact my husband has now been clean since Feb. In the past he’d tried to quit so many times, however I think that was due to me threatening to leave etc. rather then him wanting to quit for himself.

        I started working on me, I went to al anon, I realised finally that I was fighting a losing battle. I realised that no matter what I did, or said, it wasn’t gonna change anything. So I made a decision to leave and not have contact with my husband, this time though I wasn’t angry with him, I wished him well and tried to move on alone. This seemed to be the turning point where he realised he now had nothing else to lose, me and his kids were the last thing. I think he knew I’d began to change.

        Anyway, all the other times he was still very much in an addicts mindset, he was still secretly taking codeine, as I’d find packets etc. I guess that’s why his personality never really went back to being 100% normal. This time however he’s completely free from all drugs. I’ve completely changed how I am with him though. I know that if he’s gonna use, he’s gonna use. All the worrying and trying to stop it happening won’t change a thing, he’s free to do as he wishes, if he chooses that path that’s up to him. Obviously I’ll be upset but I’ll cross that bridge when/if it happens.

        I’ve recently had some major health issues, I seem to be having some neurological problems, numbness etc. The dr thinks it’s an inflammation of my nervous system. I don’t know if the stress of all I had to deal with last year has anything to do with it but it has made me realise that I need to look after myself better! No one is worth making you sick! I’m now trying to eliminate all stress and am trying my best to live the best life I can.

        I wish you well 🙂

        • #13828
          georgia26
          Participant

          this is great news – i think thats the way forward, accepting if it happens, it happens, nothing we can do will stop them.

          I wish you and your husband well.. and i hope you are ok and you get the health issues all sorted!

          take care my love !! i hope you live a happy stress free life :):) good luck to your husband too xx

          • #13830
            b8988
            Participant

            Thanks Hun,

            I’ve just been looking at everyone else’s posts since I’ve been inactive and it’s awful! I remember being exactly the same, trying to hunt for clues that they are using, wondering why they were acting the way they were, why they wouldn’t stop! Now it’s kind of laughable, as you can’t and won’t ever be able to understand something that’s not logical! It’s all madness! It’s not until you step outside you’ll realise how ill you become by trying to second guess their every move!

            You have to actively seek help for yourself to begin to heal though.

            I hope you are good too Georgia. Xx

        • #15680
          embion
          Participant

          I also left, and also suffered numbness of fingers, swollen joints etc. Palindromic rheumatism and carpal tunnel x I know it’s brought on by stress as when I was at home with him I suffered with some kind of joint pain everyday, when I left it went, yet when I had to have something to do with him it came back with avenganse x

          Horrendous the effects it has on your health c

    • #13826
      georgia26
      Participant

      Hi All

      just checking in to see how you’re all doing <3

      welcome Rev.. and well done for getting/seeking help, you got to start somewhere.

      were always here for a chat if needed, Dan on here is also recovering and gives brilliant advice!

    • #13844
      hox
      Participant

      Hello All.

      I look at peoples posts and think we were there not long ago. Looking for answers, trying to get our heads round what was happening in our once happy lives.

      ‘Husband’ is now detained at HMP.

      • #13849
        b8988
        Participant

        Mad part is if my husband relapses I don’t doubt that I’ll go back to acting as desperate as I was before. That’s why it’s important for me to keep attending meetings, just as it is for them, otherwise we slip back into our old habits too.

        Maybe whilst your husband is away he might come to his senses. You never know a period without drugs may have brought some of the old him back.

        • #13850
          hox
          Participant

          I’m glad you are getting something positive out of your meetings. I have been to the docs and got anti depressants they are helping and I’m going to CBT therapy in a few weeks time. This addiction affects us all.

          I was hoping he would return to his old self but it hasn’t happened. He was actually using up until he was imprisoned.

    • #14099
      vanilla
      Participant

      I have a husband who also adores me and most of the time life is great but every few months he disappears to a hotel and goes on a binge for several days. I have no idea where he is and the whole scenario makes me a nervous wreck worrying that he will have a heart attack or run into problems. He thinks what he does is perfectly normal and acceptable. I am a nurse and am fully aware of what could happen to him. And I am also very open minded but cannot and will not condone this behaviour. I have had 13 years of this and the minute I go away he does this as well. I have called help lines who confirm he has an addiction even though it is not on a frequent basis. He also saw a counsellor who obviously took my side. I also went to families anonymous which just confirmed it is him at fault and not me. Any suggestions anybody? I have nobody to turn to and have elderly parents who I do not want to worry. Am seriously thinking leaving him now as it is affecting my health. He has no intention of stopping and says I have a mental blockage?

      • #14121
        b8988
        Participant

        Hi there, as Georgia has said until he comes to the decision that he wants to stop ultimately this will continue to be your life.

        See I was the other way, I’ve always been anti drugs so the minute I knew my husband was using, I’d throw him out, he’d promise to stop, he would for a short time, then start again then I’d throw him out again! Nightmare of a merry go round that never ends.

        My story come to a head because his usage upped, his mood became erratic and honestly vile! So I outed him and we both nearly lost everything, but I knew I couldn’t continue. Looking back now, I should have walked away calmly but it’s not that easy when the person you love becomes a monster who lies constantly to your face and won’t stop no matter what you threaten.

        Be warned though, my life got worse the minute my husband admitted he was an addict, or at least he had a problem, ( don’t think he ever fully admitted to himself he was an addict) as then they go on to act as recklessly as they want because “ now they’ve got a problem” it’s almost like now you know it excuses the behaviour. My husband before I knew about his cocaine use would never just disappear or turn his phone off, he had no reason to. The minute I knew, that’s when they cut contact as they know they are gonna be in trouble, they know you’re gonna try and talk them into stopping or coming home. They then see us as nags! It’s not really them at this point, it’s the addict.

        That’s why if you look a lot of the men on these posts they try and move on or start associating with new friends, they’d never do this normally, but now YOU are the enemy! and these new friends are there to make them feel better about what they are doing!

        Basically if you aren’t happy, do something about it! But don’t get caught up like I did of letting him back, then doing it all again. Stick to your guns, if you leave don’t let him

        Back until you know he’s 100% serious about stopping for good. You’ll know. He might choose to be single, but it won’t be long before it all comes crashing down. Nothing good ever comes out of drug use. Xx

      • #15681
        embion
        Participant

        I can read from your post that he has played the usual addict card by telling you it’s your fault and your wrong for what your saying to him! And even bringing it up as an issue. Get out of there, he’s manipulating, controlling and twisting everything you say and worst of all, making you question yourself!!

        It’ll only get worse x run for the hills xx

      • #25493
        tooashamedtoosay
        Participant

        No1 is too blame, you can’t blame yourself but you also can’t blame the addict as it will just make the situation worse, its not about blaming someone and making sure that your in the right, that’s a nobrainer, it’s help, support and love he needs, any most importantly someone too trust and talk too

    • #14118
      georgia26
      Participant

      Hi Vanilla

      i wish i had more positive suggestions for you – unless he sees this as a problem and admits he has an addiction, there is literally nothing you can do. It takes them to hit rock bottom to admit they need help.

      I think youve tried everything by the sounds of it.

      you really cant control his addiction -i thought i could and honestly youll just make yourself ill and sick with worry.

      I know its hard but I really think if he isnt willing to seek help and is still blinded by his addiction you should just leave, especially if its making you ill!

      I feel for you, as i know the feeling, my other half used to go missing as soon as he got the chance.. the feeling it leaves you with is horrible isn’t it, the anxiety i built up over time used to make me feel physically sick.. if he didnt answer his phone i used to go into panic mode, its no way to live…

      honestly, take some time out and do you for a while – if he wants to change and shows signs of commitment to change then maybe reconsider but all the time hes doing this and hes not getting help i would leave, do you have ties? mortgage? kids? its like you lose the person you love isnt it… i HATE the stuff and what it does to people x

      • #14122
        b8988
        Participant

        Hi Georgia

        I know what you mean about the anxiety, it’s awful! My husband text me the other day to say he had to stay late at work, then again to say that he’d be even later, I immediately felt sick to my stomach that he might be lying and dreading if he’d relapsed! But I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I drove to pick him up and there he was still loading the van. I was so relieved, but I realised how awful it is even now, still on edge.

        My marriage counsellor said when people experience trauma they seek reassurance that the trauma won’t happen again. So anything that comes up that might threaten our security sends a panic signal. Our body can’t tell real panic from false, but the longer we go without that trauma happening again the less we get startled. I’m gonna try and practise headspace meditation. I need to remember to focus on me. Like they need to continue to see cocaine as being bad, we need to continue to focus on us, and practise self love.

        It’s so bloody hard though, isn’t it? X

        • #14131
          georgia26
          Participant

          i can feel it now – even when i think about it, it makes me feel sick? yes i had this before in counselling they said it was ‘fight of flight mode’ .. i get it now too, he said about his work Xmas party the other day staying overnight somewhere, usually i would be fine but i know one of his work colleagues sniffs coke so it made me feel anxious.

          I get worried he will do it and we will be back to square one, i think he feels like im being controlling but im not, its just my own anxieties. I need to relax a bit – but it seems like when i relax and feel good it comes crashing down on me so im scared to let the barriers down.

          I hope youre well though? im glad it wasn’t a relapse.. i really hope things start going well for you – you deserve it!!

          its SO hard… i am getting better though – my mind was obsessive with it, it was making me ill, i wont allow that again though, this is the last chance though.

          Vanilla – my advice would be to take time out and step out of the situation because honestly unless he wants to stop he wont and you’ll be left picking up the pieces.

          • #14133
            b8988
            Participant

            Me neither, if he does it again I’ll move on myself. I do feel sorry for him, but ultimately you only get one life and I do feel like I’ve spent such a big portion of it like you “obsessing and being miserable” over someone else’s drug habit!

            Fingers crossed for us both now, it’s such a wasted life! I do hope they manage to stay clean!

            I literally despise the stuff! Xx

    • #14134
      lizzie
      Participant

      Hi everyone , well 5 weeks now iv been on my own after 11 yrs 2 yrs married last week, my husband had odd recreational use and 12 months ago saw a Change and is now doing cocaine and heroine..

      I’m beside myself struggling day by day hoping he will realise and change but I know he won’t .. I too let him home to build himself up only to go off again

      I miss him dreadful but this time I know he cannot come home until he is clean and counselled .( waiting in anticipation)

      My heart goes out to you all

      Wendy

      • #14142
        hox
        Participant

        I feel it with you.

        Married for fourteen wonderful years to my best friend and soul mate. Recreational use, probably once, twice a year if that. I didn’t actually realise until my ‘husband’ changed into a monster.

        I’m still struggling now after over a year. Its not easy and I too miss my husband but he isn’t my husband anymore the cocaine has taken him.

        Look after yourself, keep strong.

    • #14495
      lost1835
      Participant

      Hello

      I’m literally at the last hope I caught my husband doing coke behind my back a few years ago and he promised me he stopped as he cheated on me whilst doing it, it was like he had a separate life it broke me into pieces, lately he has started acting like he did before and he never has any money now and we are really struggling financially, I haven’t been able to catch him doing it again but am pretty sure he is and I just don’t know what to do we have too children which are not young so I don’t want cause a argument without good cause.

      • #14499
        b8988
        Participant

        Hi there,

        Well I don’t know your husband so couldn’t comment but if you feel something is up, it usually is.

        My husband would swear he wasn’t using til he was blue in the face even when I’d confront him with evidence, he made me feel like I was imagining it!

        What do you mean by cheating? How did all that come about? All I know is that cocaine makes users incredibly selfish.

        Maybe sit down and confront him with your evidence calmly, although I know how annoying this is when they deny any wrong doing.

        I think you have to ask yourself if he’s using again are you prepared to stay again. If he only cheated because he was on coke, can you trust that he won’t cheat again? If you aren’t prepared to stay again you have a lot to think about.

        It’s incredibly hard and a horrible merry go round. Maybe suggest drug testing strips randomly. Although this is all time consuming and at the worse they will still try to lie there way out of taking them, or in my husbands case he’d do them knowing he’d get caught. I guess that’s how much false confidence it gives them.

        It’s an awful situation. Get some help for yourself before you attempt to tackle his issues xx

      • #14500
        ash2013
        Participant

        Hi Lost1835,

        When you know, you know. I’ve been there many times. My husband was even using diazepam to hide his cocaine use (badly I might add), as I still knew.

        You can get test strips from amazon for about a fiver, dip it in the loo after he’s been, actually I even dipped one in the standing water in the shower after he’d been in it, its very sensitive. Thats if you’re too scared to ask him to do a test. At least with the information you can confront it without questioning your own judgement.

        Hugs xx

      • #15685
        embion
        Participant

        You say you haven’t caught him yet, but you don’t need to physically catch him, the signs are so clear, here’s what to look out for.

        Talking none stop about anything and everything with over enthusiasm and over the top.

        Talking to anyone and everyone.

        Over confidence

        Not eating on a night out

        Frequent trips to the bathroom

        Being able to drink lots of alcohol and still seem relatively sober.

        Sex lasting forever!! ( its harder to come whilst on gear)

        Walking up aggressive and nasty first thing, then eating everything in site.

        Sudden lack of funds

        Secret phone calls or text followed by a trip outside to the ‘bin’

        These are all clear signs ofcocaine use xx

        Hope this helpsxx

    • #14502
      lost1835
      Participant

      I think that is the horrible part is they make you think it’s all in your own head which leaves me doubting myself even more. He had a affair with a woman he used to know on Facebook thats when I found out about the coke use , he deleted Facebook and promised he stopped as he said he couldn’t bear to lose me or the kids, on a whole our relationship is good so was extremely hurt and surprised by this affair. I told him it was me or the coke and he said he chose me but after reading the comments I don’t think it would be that easy to just stop, I’m not really sure where to go for help I really want to protect the children from any heartbreak.

      • #14503
        b8988
        Participant

        So how did you find out about the coke? Did he say the reason for the affair was due to him using cocaine? Was it a full blown affair? I’m just wondering as maybe the other woman took coke with him.

        If you’d have known about the coke then he had an affair etc, it may have been because a lot of addicts start associating with people they usually wouldn’t. My husband on his last relapse started befriending young chavvy football hooligans.

        Plus do you know if he’s an addict or just a social user? I mean how bad did his use get?

        By the time I found out about my husbands he was using roughly once a month ( this could have been lies) probably was. To cut a long story short this didn’t change his personality that much looking back, but he always used alone, in our house when me and my kids were in bed and quite large quantities.

        It got to the point where his personality was unrecognisable, he was taking it at every opportunity he could. Taking it for stress, to celebrate any excuse to use. When it gets really bad you definitely know! It’s like living with a vile, horrible monster that has you questioning everything.

    • #14504
      lost1835
      Participant

      I found out about the coke followed by the affair shortly after from what I got told she is a user also, I’m not sure how fare it went as she wouldn’t speak to me and he played it down, he couldn’t tell me why he did the coke or played away.

      I would saying he was using at least three days of the week, and like your husband it’s when we are in bed and he will sit up most of the night (clamming to be watching a film).

      He has always been a moody old sod but I do notice the changes in him. Last time I caught him using the coke I found it in his wallet but haven’t come across anything as of yet.

      • #14505
        b8988
        Participant

        Well basically it will drive you mad trying to think of the whys etc.

        If he’s never been the sort to have an affair or take coke and it’s all out of the blue maybe it’s depression. Maybe a midlife crisis? But then again speculating will just drive you mad!

        Basically if you love him and want to get to the bottom of it maybe suggest marriage counselling. It’s helped massively for me.

    • #14516
      chellou
      Participant

      I’ve just found these posts, sorry to hear do many similar stories.

      Just found out x2 time hubby has been using. Spent over £20k in 6 mths, lies, paranoia….but you just know, that gut feeling it’s not right. He’s got first drug meeting on Wednesday, but I have told a good friend of ours all about it..do its more real, so he has to own what he’s dinette me and kids. Married 15 years, he’s not the man I married though.

    • #14548
      team
      Participant

      Hi I’ve been with my husband 29 years we got married at the age of 17 he was 18 we had are first baby straight away unfortunately he was born sleeping my husband looked after me better than anybody could we went on to have 4 daughters after and we both adore are girls and go to are sons grave lots

      7 years ago my husband started using cocaine I didn’t find this out until 6 months ago I had a feeling but didn’t believe it was drugs that was making him annoying he would act childish spiteful didn’t do anything with any of the family days he wouldn’t eat nights he didn’t sleep he done everything he could to stay out of are way if I was indoors he would be out if I said let’s go for a meal he would make up excuses to why he can’t go

      I really thought he had depression it took about 2 years for me to get him to see his gp he did come home with antidepressants but after months there was no change

      My daughter got married at her wedding he was like something out of a horror film his mother told me she had to leave the wedding because she couldn’t watch her son any longer he was saying inappropriate things to other women she told me I was angry with him from that morning every thing was going wrong my daughter was in tears and my husband went of down the town to buy himself a meal

      The next day after the wedding on my phone was photos and videos of the wedding I was going through them I came across a video where he was saying to a woman he would love to ravish her and rub his body all over her I was and still am disgusted with that Visio he said he was just enjoying him self and didn’t mean anything by it

      I then found out I could do a hair drug test he did refuse at first but then said he would do it he later told me when I got the results he didn’t believe it was a real test it was real

      Ever since he has been on and of drugs he will do 2 days on 2 days off it’s that bad the longest has been 13 day then he done it for 4 days

      I just don’t no what to do any more any advice would be appreciated thanks sorry if I don’t make sense

    • #14549
      team
      Participant

      I can’t believe how many families are going through the same thing I feel for you all and hope everyone’s life gets better ASAP

      It’s the lies that’s killing me

      I actually feel like I’m living with a stranger that thinks I just like to moan

      My husband has told me more than once I just like the attention of him being on cocaine

      I definitely don’t get attention from him or anyone because no1 other than me knows he is addicted to drugs I do the strip tests on him regularly and he fails all the time and if he gets a clean test he says see you can trust me he has had about 6 clean tests and more than 60 not clean

      I try talking to him he won’t talk he says I can’t be bothered with the arguments I’ve asked why he started taking drugs he said he don’t no must be temptation he never gives me a straight answer to anything I ask

      I’ve been told cocaine and cheating comes hand in hand I’ve asked him has he cheated he said no so I asked him to do a lie detector he refused so I said I can’t stay with you until I no the truth he said he will do one now I’m scared of what I might find out from it he’s hurt me so much it’s making me ill he was once a brilliant husband and father and now to make everything worse we have 3 beautiful grandchildren but they have never seen the real him heart breaking to think this is how it’s all turned out

      God bless all you beautiful people

      • #14554
        hox
        Participant

        No amount of talking, arguing, testing or lie detecting will stop him from using cocaine. Only he can stop and he won’t because he doesn’t think he has a problem. You do.

        What’s worse is they believe their own lies and will manipulate any situation.

        We would all love our husbands to return to the men they were and not this substitute we are left with. You cannot help until he wants it.

        Try to look after yourself and your family through all this. I know its hard but your health has to be looked after too. Keep strong.

        • #14568
          team
          Participant

          My life is at a stand still I don’t go out with friends or family I’m at home if I’m not at work I cannot do anything with out the worry of what he is doing if he goes for a shower I’m at the door listening what’s going on I hate the person I’ve turned into I no I have to change but I’m so lost right now thanks for reply and advice x

          • #14570
            hox
            Participant

            We understand, we have been there.

            I have isolated myself too. I’m lost without my other half. I was the same listening into conversations on the phone, something I had never done before. Constantly worrying. Problem is they are not concerned about us worrying. Cocaine comes first I’m afraid.

            My life was at a stand still, I’m now on anti depressants and have CBT and hopefully this will help me get myself right.

            • #14577
              team
              Participant

              It feels so wrong doing all the things I’m doing I just feel if I do nothing I’m falling my family and my husband

              It’s the worry of what’s next I think that is hurting so much the last thing I want to do is find him dead

              I no he don’t care what way I feel I no that’s because of the drug I just can’t help but take it to heart

              I to am on antidepressants and have been for a long time now I just feel lost and lonely I’m not happy and I’m scared to feel any happiness just to be floored again and again it’s hard thank you very much x

              • #14587
                hox
                Participant

                I thought I was failing my husband and family if I didn’t try to help or pay his debt and maintain his business. But they have failed us by choosing to sniff. Or also rub his gums as my husband did also.

                It hurts more than anything I have ever known. Our wonderful life was destroyed. We were a team. Now I have to do everything myself and it is hard not having his help.

                I too wondered if my husband would overdose and die. I worried about it, too much alcohol and cocaine. But he wasn’t worried and didn’t care about me worrying either.

                He was having the time of his life. ‘Champagne Charlie’ that’s what he’s called by folk. Partying and being the big man.

                I feel lost and lonely too, thats why I come on here. People in the same position can help and understand what we are going through. Going out and trying to socialise is something I can’t bring myself to do. Doc has upped my dosage of anti depressants and I now don’t feel anxious and sick all the time. My mind is more settled because I feel numb inside now. That is a good thing for me because fourteen months of this hell has taken its toll on me.

                Don’t take anything to heart, I know its hard. I just think that my husband is dead and the one that has replaced him is a monster. One who has a fork tongue and lies like a rug.

                Concentrate on yourself for a while because if he decides that cocaine is not what he wants you need to be the strong one. Focus on you, look how B8988 has turned it around. It doesn’t work for everyone but its worth a try. You are doing this for both of you. Not just yourself. Keep strong.

              • #14593
                team
                Participant

                I feel so horrible putting my life on here and all you lovely people reply trying to help when you have been through so much your selfs

                I have to keep my head up and try to make a decision that’s right for me I no I won’t make it anytime soon as but I no it’s not gonna be another 7 years of unhappiness for me I can’t live this way much longer

                I thank yous all so much for listening and not judging me thank you all so much x

              • #14595
                hox
                Participant

                You don’t have to leave your husband to concentrate on yourself. I would never have left mine. Keep yourself well and when he needs help you will be strong enough to provide it.

                Keep your head up.

              • #14599
                team
                Participant

                Thank you very much I will try do do anything I can to sort my marriage out and do what I can to help my husband xx

              • #14685
                georgia26
                Participant

                Hox im sorry to hear how youre feeling still, i took anti depressants once and they made me feel even worse, i was like a zombie, unable to function – it makes me sad how we are all suffering, i mean i feel bad for the addicts as i know they cant help it but for the person on the other side, who loses their hsbands/wives to cocaine, its absolutely devastating, as it is like they are there physically but their personality is gone, which is hard to accept.

                my partner has not touched it now since march i think, he was selling it to pay off some debt after his ex wife took everything and he was left paying court fees fighting to see his kids… (hes a good dad) she is a bipolar nightmare.

                sometimes i wonder why i bother to be honest, i dont even have kids of my own, yet i deal with the backlash of his ex wife and the trauma shes caused him so he started self medicating.

                but, i will be positive (not naive though) …. hes on the right road and he quit all that bullsh*t, when he drinks though i still get a sense of panic, as i know it completely brings your guard down.

                i hate the stuff, with a deep passion, i have eliminated anyone involved with that, i do not have any time for it, not even people doing it socially, its a complete LIFE RUINER and i worry for the younger 18-25 year olds that are testing it all out.

                i wish they knew what it did, because when it grabs hold it ruins everything in its path.

                Danman, how are you??? are you still on the right road xxx

              • #14990
                hox
                Participant

                Hi Georgia. I’m glad your partner is on the right road and continues to get himself right. Staying positive without being naive is the right way to go about it. You are a good ‘un supporting him through all of this and the added stresses it brings with it.

                There is always seems to be reason for abusing the coke. Stress in their lives so self medicating. ‘Husband’ did it to forget his up coming (at the time) court case so I can understand.

                Luckily I don’t have to mix in those ‘recreational’ circles now with ‘husband’ inside and out of harms way. But I am left to pick up the pieces of this shattered life all because of his bad choices.

        • #27194
          westy081
          Participant

          Hey I’m going through the same thing , with my partner 30 years we have 2 grown up daughters an 5 grandkids, I new he used Coke occasionally but he works away in Manchester an 2 weeks before xmas I found out he’s been having an affair with an escort girl ( he’s still with her spent xmas with her and not even so much as a text or phone call on xmas day ! He’s up to his eyes on drugs and drink with this girl , I found out he met her when he was working in Nottingham an when that job finished she moved up to Manchester with him into digs with 5 other work fellas ! He never answered my texts calls nothing just said he’s on crack cocaine now , I’m literally at my wits end can not believe he’s done this on r family ! Xx

      • #14558
        b8988
        Participant

        Hi Team.

        Firstly Hox is right. You need to decide firstly if you can carry on living like this. I couldn’t and by reading your post, I can see that you certainly don’t seem to be happy. Are you prepared to carry on with the way things are now?

        I told everyone, I did it out of spite, I outed my husband and told everyone or anyone who would listen about all of his behaviours. This was probably not the way to go, I didn’t do it for the right reason, I did it because everything was crazy and I couldn’t control the situation, I wanted him to stop! To wake up and see sense and go back to being the loving, family man he was before. Now I know that was my issue, not his! I had become so codependent I didn’t even realise what I had become. In my head my husband was to blame for everything. I like you bought the tests, we’d argue, he’d lie etc etc.

        This is not normal behaviour. I used to obsess weather my husband had cheated whilst high, it used to control my every thought. My husband was selfish and sort attention off women, but he never said anything sexual to anyone, it was almost like he was seeking comfort elsewhere, in a way that kind of made it worse. Now I know that’s just because the drugs made him see me as a nag, he wasn’t ready to tackle his addiction and he’d rather have left me whist he was in deep addiction, than to fight to do what was right. In his head, he didn’t think any of what he did was wrong!

        The drug completely changes people, whilst your husband is an addict I wouldn’t trust him not to lie, cheat, steal etc. because when it comes down to it, their addiction comes first. They have almost been hijacked, so stop taking it so personally, I know it’s awfully hard not to.

        I can only advise from my perspective now, I choose to not be in a relationship with an addict. If my husband relapsed, I would make him leave. No one is worth making you ill for. Maybe that would be the kick he needs to change, but don’t do it for that reason. Do it for yourself.

        I bet you’ve neglected yourself whilst you’ve become so entangled with your husband that you’ve lost your identity, I know I did! People told me to concentrate on me, I didn’t even know what they meant. Without my husband and his problems I felt completely lost. But I sought help, I hated the way I felt and how bad my life had become. I decided not to live like it anymore. Go to al anon and Stick with it, it seems odd at first and complete nonsense but it does work.

        Have faith that everything will be ok in the end, no matter what happens. But remember, if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.

        Hugs xx

        • #14569
          team
          Participant

          I don’t want to leave my husband but I don’t want to live this way anymore I don’t think I can do it much longer I have told him I’ll leave all he ever says is he will stop but he don’t

          My dad was in hospital for weeks he has a life saving opp at Christmas we nearly lost my dad he did not in anyway support me my family all had there partners with them waiting for news while I sat on my own he did not even call to see if my dad made it or not the opp took over 12 hours thank god my dad made it but I just wanted someone well my husband to be there for me but he wasn’t

          I feel like I’m beginning to hate the person he is

          I no you are totally right it’s time to get a grip of my life my problem is where do I start what do I do next have never been on my own my perants looked after me all my life till age of 17 when I got married 29 years on and I’m now stuck and hate my life well I don’t have a life anymore thank you for reply just sending the messages I done is making things look so different as I’ve never had anyone to talk to x

          • #14571
            b8988
            Participant

            Any time. I’m the same I was a proper mummy and daddy’s girl, then met my husband at 17 and moved in with him at 18. I’d never been alone either. But do you know what, it’s the unknown that’s scary, it’s amazing how you get used to being on your own eventually. I hated putting the bins out in the beginning etc, because they’d always been jobs my husband did, but I surprised myself, I even googled how to fix my car and went to buy the bits to do it. So I’m a way it shows you how strong you can be if you’re forced to be.

            I like you hated my husband. Now my life is becoming nice again. Although it is a long road to recovery for both. I always believe if it’s meant to be it will be. If you follow through and leave him, or make him leave you leave the ball in his court. You will see what he really wants. It might get worse before it gets better.

            You never know, I was reluctant to let my husband come back, because I’d finally restored calm. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and so far, so good. I stopped hiding my bank card or car keys and stopped following him because that’s not keeping the focus on me and if he is going to do drugs, he will do them regardless of me suffocating him. This way I am giving him the chance to make his own decisions, however if he makes a wrong one he knows know he will live by the consequences. Xx

            • #14578
              team
              Participant

              It really is the unknown that’s scary I think your amazing for helping yourself

              Putting the bins out was the only job my husband had to do at home and now I find I’m doing it because he can’t be bothered to move out of his chair I will have to try to be more stronger than I am

              If one of us leave I just have that feeling he will not stop till he dies and I think that very thought is making me weak and won’t let me do the right thing

              Hope you don’t mind me asking but how long was yous apart before your husband got clean

              My husband is not violent in any way I think if he was that would change me very fast

              But he is spiteful in the things he says

              He swore that i die with cancer he would never do drugs again 13 days later he was full swing back on it he has swore on are sons grave he lied the things he swears on hurt terrible the cancer one hurt because I have my dad and my only brother fighting cancer and my sons grave was just heartbreaking to hear the more I say don’t swear the more he dose

              I wish I could have noticed the signs years ago but but I didn’t I don’t no if that’s because I have never known anyone on drugs or I just never thought my husband would ever do anything like that he has never been a drinker if he has a beer he never finishes it he just don’t like alcohol thank god thank you very much xx

              • #14583
                b8988
                Participant

                My husband would swear on our kids lives that he hadn’t taken coke and he had. He’d never do that straight. The coke makes them horrible! Maybe they rationalise the lying to them self, somehow, or it might be the fact, that they only care about themselves, so they will come first! Again it’s all down to how the drugs have altered the brain! Like you, I used to still take it personally! We react on things we see with our eyes, not what we know to be true, if that makes sense?

                Well the first time I officially caught my husband using, last year, I’d just found out I was pregnant for the 5th time, all my children are young, so I definitely didn’t want that crap in my house! His behaviour had become unbearable. So I made him leave, that’s when he went on self destruct, that’s when he started adding women on fb, he told everyone he hated me, didn’t want to be with me and was doing everything he could to maintain his addiction.

                He even said now that at the time he thought it would be great to be single and get a flat, so he could take all the drugs he wanted, without having to hide. Anyway his plan backfired as he lost his job due to being drug tested. He had to go and live with his dad 2 hours away in rural wales.

                Well my first mistake was taking the kids to visit him nearly every weekend, at first he promised to change saying you couldn’t get coke out there and he was lovely for the first few weeks, then his mood become awful again. He didn’t want us to visit, when we did he was being secretive on his phone, but still he denied taking anything! Final straw come was when he stole his dads expensive sports car and crashed it whilst intoxicated. So his dad made him leave.

                He then came home and was clean for 6 months, in time for me to have the baby, but relapsed hard at Christmas. He became awful instantly, it’s amazing how quickly their mindset changes. He spent all our mortgage money on coke, he was sleeping rough in our garage, it was horrendous! So I sent him away to live with his mum 3 hours away.

                He didn’t know anyone there, so it was the perfect opportunity to change, plus there was loads of drug support centres. It become apparent, he only went for me and was still using drugs, he even starting taking ecstasy ???

                After that I thought “ no matter what I do, he uses, no matter where he lives, he uses”. He was taking anything just to feel not normal.

                That’s when I made the decision not to be with him anymore. I ended it. This time I didn’t message him, or reply to his messages about the kids. He even tried to send hurtful ones in hope that I’d bite, but I could see he was seeking attention. I wasn’t prepared to give it him. So he made the decision for himself to change. He said I scared him that much he couldn’t eat, sleep and he cried for days. He said not being with us was worse than the high of the drug.

                So far, so good. The change in him this time compared to his last 6 month clean, is massive. This time he isn’t using anything! I think that’s key, last time he was still taking codeine, he had an addiction to prescription drugs too, so I thought stopping coke would stop the craziness and it did, but whilst he was still taking codeine, his personality didn’t return to normal, he still had no empathy etc. Now he’s back to pre drug days. Which is lovely.

                Even if I didn’t stay with him, I’d have always wanted him to get clean for our kids, but I realised that had to come from him and no one else. So until they reach that decision there really isn’t anything you can do. Xx

              • #14592
                team
                Participant

                I appreciate your reply to me you make so much sense I can feel the hurt you have been through and to get through it with little babies you are a very strong woman and deserve all the happiness in the world

                No one knows my husband is taking drugs he says he would be ashamed to face people if they knew and begged me not to tell anyone I have not told anyone as of yet but I did say to him a few nights ago if he don’t stop I can’t keep his secret any longer hopefully he heard me and stops

                I hope your husband sees what a wonderful wife he has and stays clean and treats you like a queen for the rest of your life you deserve it

                Everyone has a story and none of the is much different I have read so much and think this story is my life cocaine is the devil it don’t only take the person using it takes every one that loves them to x

      • #25494
        tooashamedtoosay
        Participant

        The 1 thing I will say is, I got accused of cheating all the time, I’ve been an addict for nearly 5 years, I take 6 days out of 7…. 140 pounds a day…. but coke and cheating doesn’t come hand in hand, I’ve never ever ever cheated and it’s never crossed my mind either.

    • #14605
      lost1835
      Participant

      I am also trying to focus on myself iv made plans to do things with the children although my husband does not want to come. Iv also taken up a lot of things in the house he used to do ie decorating and the garden he has lost all love for our home. At the moment I can’t end our marriage he is not strong enough to kick this on his own ( he still denying he is back on it) and I fear it would kill him as he would completely give up so I guess we will go on as we are for now, it’s hard hiding things from my family and his as I know they will all disown him.

      • #14612
        team
        Participant

        Hi I no how hard it is keeping everything from family my family and my husbands family would disown him to and if I leave or put him out he will have nothing or no1 he will be found dead

        My kids are grown up now are baby is 18 but no matter what age they are as a mother we still worry about them so next week my kids will be of on holiday together I think this is a good idea for them to have some fun and forget family life at the moment as it’s hard for them to watch they no what there father is doing and it’s not right they should watch him change every day

        And hopefully them going on holiday will give me and my husband a chance to talk or even try to get close I’m not sure what will happen when the kids are away but hopefully some good will come out of it for them I wish you luck and hopefully you get your life back soon it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with and I feel all alone

        If all hits the fan at least I can say I done all I could xx

    • #14679
      adam28352
      Participant

      Hello, I can relate to your husband I’ve been through similar and it gradually gets hold of you to start with you tell yourselves it’s a social thing then once it takes hold it’s hard to break the routine gradually your work starts to suffer and then Your family life

      I found I wasn’t content with the simple things in life any more my family life which had always made me happy

      Cocaine changed my attitude one of the effects is a hypo sex drive I was the same with other women only when I’d had coke no interest when I hadn’t

      Hardest thing is to admit your an addict you tell your self every thing you can rather than admit that and without completely changing your life friends places you socialise you always have lapses I still do and think I always will unfortunately but lapses don’t ruin your life it’s the addiction on a daily basis that does

      Once your addicted as well people don’t realise your not doing it to get high anymore your doing it because your body needs it’s and it’s a scary feeling

      Hope things get better for you and your husband only advise I can give is the more you preach at him and confront him it pushed me away and made me resentful to my wife there will be lapses and I feel bad enough when they happen but you need a strong partner at that time

      • #14687
        b8988
        Participant

        Hi Adam thanks for your insight.

        The only thing I don’t think I would be able to do is not confront him if I believed he was using again! As I know it’s wrong! I totally get where you’re coming from, my husband has admitted the same, he said when you’re in that cycle, you see us (the wives) as nags, that’s why you turn your phone off etc, because he said he knows it will be some kind of lecture or wanting him to do the right thing.

        I don’t really want him to have any lapses this time if I’m honest, but I do have to be real! Al anon teaches us not to spend quiet, peaceful days worrying about relapses as they steal today’s joy! But just to have faith that “if or when” they happen, we can deal with them, as we have before, or hopefully in a more calm way.

        The thing that worries me is that when my husband has relapsed in the past he’s hit it again hard, it’s like all the months of sobriety have been forgotten and he’s gone immediately back into an addicts mindset. He goes back to using daily, even if he can’t afford to. It’s then he becomes reckless. It’s so scary to see. It’s not him at all!

        He’s never been at the stage where he’s taken it to feel normal, he said his brains always kidded him into thinking that the first 2 lines will be amazing! so he still chases that. He said the more you use and the longer you use for, you don’t really get that much pleasure. Although his brain still fools him into thinking it will be different next time.

        The last time was different, he was just in complete self destruct mode, it’s like his brain thought he’d lost everything anyway, so he may as well continue. I mean to start sleeping rough in our garage, in minus degree weather, rather than living inside and not using drugs, for me signified that the drug had become more important to him than anything else.

      • #23881
        bella73
        Participant

        What made you make the change? ????

    • #14680
      chellou
      Participant

      Hi all, since my last message sending much love out to you all. Hubby agreed to seeing an outreach centre, first one today. Please wish us luck. I also decided for him to succeed he had to know it was real, not just going through motions…told his best friend, also close to me. Knew he would be ashamed at first but thankfully didn’t backfire and still on track to clean up. Still wants to be friends with his dealer… Who I think is conning.him but that’s whole other forum. For now I have to believe he wants this more. Much love to all of you x

      • #14682
        georgia26
        Participant

        Thats great news Chellou – good luck.

        my only bit of advice would be to expect the worse, dont live in a dream world where youre thinking thats it, clean road ahead – as there will be relapses.

        i also think the friend as a dealer is bad news but only you can make judgement on that.

        goodluck to you and your husband i really do wish you all the best

        xxxx

        • #14686
          chellou
          Participant

          Thanks so much. I do always look for the signs, although he is master in deciet. This time I know he wants to change, I know it’ll be tough, from all your messages I know I’m knew to this. Still can’t see how my life has completed altered, seems so unfair that our future is now so dependant on his strength. I fully agree on dealer..but he’s conned him to believing he’s a mate, that’s our other issue, £1000s gone, literally..he’s in a money scheme just doesn’t accept he’s being conned…it’s just baby steps for now, bug fallout expected when he does work it out. Scares me so much, he was do low and vulnerable and this crept into our lives.

          • #14688
            b8988
            Participant

            Hi chellou

            I just want to tell you, when my husband came to live back with me last year, I lay some ground rules down. No contact with anyone to do with drugs. I snooped on his phone and it was his dealer, who, like your hubby happened to be a friend of his, he’d hidden him under a different name, but putting 2 and 2 together I worked out who it was as in conversation he’d called this lad by his nickname. When confronted he said that he still owed him money so didn’t want him to get funny so was just keeping friendly until he could pay him off. I was mad but tried to understand.

            At that time my husband wasn’t using coke, but I had a feeling he was still abusing codeine. I’d keep finding evidence of wrappers, although he’d deny.

            His empathy never returned and although I thought he was back to pre drug days, he still told lies over silly, little things. Well he massively relapsed shortly after.

            This time he’s been clean, he really is clean.

            Now I can see the difference in the two. He’s lovely, empathetic, and remorseful over everything he’s every done. He’s now willing to talk about anything to do with his drug past, where as before he’d close up!

            This time his phone is left lying round, I can pick it up and check it whenever I want, his ringtone is no longer on silent. Basically you just know! I have no niggling feeling about anything as he’s now completely honest, he doesn’t even tell little lies, or if he does, he tries to rectify them straight away.

            All I’m saying is, it’s a journey, he might get clean and there be no issues, but I feel that when they want to get clean for themselves, they make choices to stay away from people they know that will cause temptation etc. They take it upon themselves to do right.

            Good luck with everything though, positive vibes being sent! Xx

    • #14692
      ash2013
      Participant

      Hi ladies,

      Sorry I’ve been out of the loop on this thread as I was away this weekend. Only at a family festival in Hampshire, but still its the first time we’ve been away together with our daughter in years.

      I hope everyone is ok. B8988 I’ve been looking up about co-dependency and I definitely am! My happiness hinges on him every moment of every day, and I know that isn’t any way to live. I constantly worry about what he’s doing, how he’s feeling, what he’s thinking…. I literally never consider myself and my own feelings.

      I think a lot of my issues stem from his cocaine use, as learned experience has taught me how to be around him, and now that he isnt using I still am the same way. I don’t speak my mind, I always think ‘how will he react’ before I open my mouth. I dont quite know how to break that cycle though.

      xx

      • #14693
        b8988
        Participant

        Yes it’s like treading on eggshells.

        We all become codependent, it’s a gradual thing, that just totally consumes us so we no longer act sanely. We become unwell ourselves. Friends and families will see things rationally but we won’t listen to any advice, especially if that means leaving the addict.

        I suppose we are a bit like them. We are addicted to their drug use, as they are addicted to their drug. We are both acting insane. It’s not healthy for anyone.

        They say the addict will only change when THEY want to. This is also true of us! We will only leave or start to put ourselves first, when we realise we’ve exhausted all our options, our lives have become unmanageable and we are awfully unhappy.

        Sometimes I still slip into over analysing some of my husbands behaviour whilst in active addiction, but then I realise you can’t rationalise any of their behaviour, as it’s all insane!

        I just continue to build myself up more and more each day so that if it ever goes wrong I will be much better prepared to deal with it. I know for sure I will never allow myself to become so ill focusing on someone else life choices that I make myself ill!

        • #14701
          chellou
          Participant

          Thanks so much, good advice. His meeting went well. He’s opted for individual counselling, it’ll stem back to leaving home at 8 to boarding school, then losing mum very young to dementia, all so linked. I’m continuing to keep up own interests, jobs and kids, a great distraction. He’s trying to be more honest so less eggshells but I need to research codependancy… I’ve surely been doing it too. Thanks to everyone on here for advice, support, kindness and hope. Gotta believe he can do this but ever watchful for signs x

    • #14981
      aabb
      Participant

      Hi, I’m suffering from the same problem, my husband is a crack addict. We’ve been together 14 years and 3 kids , and he was always a crack addict, but I didn’t know or understand, he was so smart and successful, he was always traveling and covering this addiction, now he doesn’t have a job ( he still have money to buy and he still managing his money and work online everyday ) but he s home working .. and he has changed , he cheated a lot with prostitutes, it broke my heart, my life .. I own nothing, all assets in his name, my law doesn’t even give me the kids, he was always avoiding me having any cash or job , and I was doing my best for my kids and family, we were always abroad so I didn’t have family to help, only maids that I couldn’t trust .. but this is not an excuse , I trusted him and I thought he care for me .. now I discovered all this shit ( excuse my language) I’m in pain all the time, I don’t focus on my kids much, i don’t know how to deal with this, he act careless like he doesn’t care for me, I don’t even feel he’s jealous , I asked many times for divorce , he say I will kill u and I will never divorce u ( again my law will not support me ) coz he is paying bills .. he doesn’t want me out of his life , all his friends they beg me to be patiente bcoz he love me so much and he cannot live without me, and that he might commit suicide if I left !! I was scared first! Now I feel I don’t care But I don’t have law to support me, I don’t know how to start a job or a small business, I never had a job in my life, I married straight after university graduation, he’s 8 years older than me. I managed to recover form panic attack’s and anxiety without any medications, i have happy beautiful kids that I don’t want them to get affected .. but I’m scared coz he’s getting worse .. he has changed a lot .. he doesn’t care for me , he cares that his kids don’t know about his addiction but I don’t know with time he might be careless to his kids too! I’m always scared and not feeling safe from our future ..

      anyway, thank you for this discussion, it feels good just to open up and share what inside us with people who understand or live the same problems ..

      • #14986
        georgia26
        Participant

        Hi Aabb

        you need to contact someone about this, the police, doctors – you need to leave him. Him threatening to kill you, is horrendous – call the police and ask for help, they will put you in a refuge, if you’re married you can get help with legals as well.

        he wont change, he wont kill himself, he is manipulating you.

        contact the police on 111 and ask for help…

        x

    • #14984
      danman83
      Participant

      I dont mean to be rude hear, but are you muslim? Only because you keep saying ‘your law’ and im just thinking of sharia law.

    • #14987
      danman83
      Participant

      Hes gaslighting.. ignore the law he is going on about. That does not matter.

      Do what georgia says.. and ring the police and they will house you somewere else straight away!

    • #14995
      kateoo89
      Participant

      C

    • #15082
      jellybean1
      Participant

      Hi, My husband has been addicted to cocaine for the last few years and since his habit became worse he has ended up been an alcoholic aswell, I ended up putting him out the house in February as I couldn’t take it any more the constant lies were driving me insane We also have 4 children and it was not right for them to see their Dad lying on the couch surrounded by wine bottles when they were getting up ready to go to school we were arguing daily and the atmosphere in the house was horrendous! 🙁

      I asked him to leave in February as I couldn’t take it anymore it was turning me in to a nervous wreck, and I had to protect myself and children and stop putting him first, he was always full of empty promises and lying through his teeth about everything I always felt I had a duty as his wife to help him worried the last few years if I put him out his habit would get worse but overtime he was using daily cocaine and alcohol he also starting gambling, the money he has wasted is absolutely sickening, we run a small family business and money was too accessible to feed his habit that it steadily got worse! I hoped by asking him to leave it would of brought him to his senses the thought of losing his family but it hasn’t! Everything is my fault, he plays the victim with friends and family all the time as he is living in a caravan and is blaming me for asking him to leave he is in denial and won’t grasp the reason he is not here he won’t speak about it! I sent him solicitor letter saying I would support him but only if he got help for his addictions he has just ignored letter and is burying his head is sand, Obviously the thought of him never been able to use again is more frightening to him than the thought of losing his family!! Iv had enough I’m at my wits end and at the end of the day I keep telling myself “you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to help themselves” I am sick of putting my life on hold in the hope he will sort himself out when all he is focusing on is himself Coke and Drink!

    • #15622
      lala8824
      Participant

      Im relating to all this… only came across this after Googling summit to do without cocaine. I take it regularly and dont see myself as an addict..

      After reading this I am seeing the traits but wont admit it either than that I have issues with it but not an addict as I dont do it everyday.

      I can understand everyone’s points mind.

      Everyones complaining about men tho… I’m female… good job… partner…child..

      It goes beyond the general typical men being arseholes. My partner doesn’t do it at all. Never gets any issues from me but doesnt realise the times I might sneak it.

      • #15629
        rev
        Participant

        Hi. I’m sorry but it sounds like you are addicted to me. I was in denial for a year and believed I was in control. If I had listened to the signs then it might have been easier to stop, now I’ve tried several support groups, counselling, deleting numbers etc, and told my partner the truth but somehow still find ways of getting it when the urge takes over.

        Its a serious problem so tackle it now.

        Good luck

    • #15676
      embion
      Participant

      You’re story is mirror image of my marriage. We met 2004 married 2007 and have two children now 11 and 10.

      He was the love of my life x the connection we had was more than anyone could understand x I worshipped him x in the first couple of years we would do coke every couple of weeks or so and go clubbing and go to Ibiza 3 short breaks a year to go mad x then we got married and had kids and for me that wasn’t what I wanted to do anymore x he’d say I was boring now I was a mum and he was upset that the kids were my priority. About a year on, I’d noticed our disconnect and he was distant and going about his own business, he said it was cos he needed to earn more as the kids cost more. Though it turns out he had been doing coke on a daily basis, he started putting his money in business account instead of joint, he cancelled direct debits and stopped paying bills. I didn’t click on this for a good 3 years, then I found empty bags in his van and his work areas, he tried to deny it but didn’t have a leg to stand on, I trusted him so never had reason to question him or cheque accounts, he’d been spending £200- £300 a week on it and cancelled all my direct debits to cover it. Getting me in debt.

      Even though I’d caught him out he swore he’d stopped but never did!

      I left him2 years ago, me and kids left the family home whilst he stayed, living there like a down and out. He hasn’t paid the mortgage in 15 months forcing the bank to apply for repossession!! Yet it’s still all my fault for leaving him as he can’t cope in his own.

      I lost my soul mate, the love of my life to cocaine. He’s now an evil, selfish, vindictive, spiteful shell of a man. He’s a completely different person who has no feelings for anyone but himself. Trying to get through to him and try support him results in him telling me what a bad person I am, bad mother, greedy for wanting maintenance and need to see a doctor as I’m crazy for saying he’s a cocaine addict x I love him so much but he’s gone. The coke has got him and we’ll never get him back xc

      • #19652
        burgdorfmomma2
        Participant

        The buisness account thing is 100% what happened to me im a stay at home mom so it really got bad he at first would transfer a little here a little there then less then nothing its been month I had to get on gov. Assistance to feed my children im living with my family and divorcing the bastard who is trying to worm his way outta support. He has tried intimidating me and called me names for calling him on the drug use…lying cheating and belittling me gaslighting me etc. He threatened to get 50/50 knowing id still have to do EVERYTHING cause he is a trucker never home but he wouldn’t have to give me a dime But his job makes it impossible for him to get custody so now he is extra pissed. He is a demon and honestly I hate him now and he was the love of my life. I got a lawyer and a protective order for me and the children because man he is scary

    • #15678
      embion
      Participant

      He now buys £120 a day and our house is up for sale to beat the banks taking it from us x I’ve just spent 3 days and nights solid cleaning his shit up to get it on the market.

      I can’t dwell on it anymore, the mani loved has gone. And who is now breaks my heart.

      So my advice just leave x you’ll never get him back and the longer you stay the more he’ll damage you. You’ll never recover from relentless abuse. So get out before it’s too late xx

      • #15695
        b8988
        Participant

        Hi there, thanks for responding. I’m now at the point where I’m living alone with the kids. Im paying for everything whilst he’s living in a crummy room in a house share.

        My husband is more interested if I’m going to be going on dates with other people then the real issue of sorting himself out. You have to laugh don’t you.

        I think my husband wants to change but just doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand the dedication to turning your life around. He thinks stopping by himself or attending a few meetings will be it. I think that attending meetings has to be for life in order to stay clean. Apparently anyone can stop it’s staying stopped that’s the hard bit. My husband can stop for 6-7 months from willpower alone then thinks he’s cured then the addiction takes hold again and he hits it so hard like he’s never stopped.

        I don’t feel anxious like I once did, my life is peaceful without him. Like you say I love my old husband but that person died when he became an addict!

        I’m fed up of jumping back on the rollercoaster, getting my hopes up then it all happing again. No one can live with an active addict, not without making yourself crazy you can’t!

        I’m now just concentrating on me, for once in my life and surprisingly I’m doing ok. My life will flourish compared to his. A life with drugs is no life at all!

        Hugs to everyone who is dealing with an addicted loved one! It’s hell on earth xxx

    • #15679
      wtf1111
      Participant

      The guy is a dick, cocaine Vs family says it all

    • #15682
      wtf1111
      Participant

      Much like any drug unless it’s recreational and both partners approve, then so be it, if it’s a full on addiction and us effecting your family then I’m sorry to say you need to leave as they will choose that shit until it’s to late

      Oh I should add I’m no Saint and go for a beer at weekend and sometimes have coke, but never would I hurt or harm anyone around me, sad to say but your losing a battle with addict’s unless they choose to change for the sake of there family

    • #15683
      embion
      Participant

      I agree, it’s so sad x I left our family home with our 2 children 2 years ago now and still he’s off his head constantly, but now it’s my fault for leaving him ??

    • #15684
      wtf1111
      Participant

      Embion obviously it’s not your fault he’s lost his family though what people call an illness, it’s bullshit, harsh but he’s chose a session over you and the kids

      • #15696
        b8988
        Participant

        I don’t agree, it is an illness, a horrible one.

        I’ve seen the devastation it causes to the addict. No one in their right mind would lose everything and still continue using. Their jobs, families their homes etc.

        Now the problem is not to make excuses for it being an illness! You can’t defend someone’s behaviour by saying he or she is ill, they still have choices to change and put effort into getting clean.

        My husband never used on nights out, he’d use secretly in the house on his own whilst we were asleep so definitely not as part of a session or party etc. My husband uses it to escape! Until he finds out why he needs to do that he’ll never change. That’s for him to sort though and not me.

    • #16716
      stlaisinha
      Participant

      Im going through this again right now, it’s been happening for the last 2 year’s. I feel like I’m living with 2 different people. I find my husband relapses throughout the summer. Any advice on how I can help him? So hard at the moment due to lockdown restrictions too.

    • #16832
      ash2013
      Participant

      Hi Stlaisinha, sorry I didnt see your email until today.

      I hope you are ok, I feel empathy as I too have been in your situation. My husband has relapsed more times than I can remember. He seems to think at the start of a relapse that he has the power, but once an addict starts again they have no power anymore. And unfortunately partners are then thrown into turmoil once more. The fear of it, the fear of how they are a different person, the worry about what they’re doing, when they’ll come home, what they’ll be like when they do. Its horrible.

      You will be powerless to stop it, all you can do is explain how it makes you feel (but dont try talking when he’s high, it’s pointless) Tell him you are there for him, but protect yourself.

      When people live with addicts they are all consumed, they lose their own identity, you spend all your time worrying about them, and not about you.

      We are here if you need us. Sending hugs x

    • #16866
      abb121
      Participant

      Hi,

      I’ve been with my partner 10 years, due to get married next year.

      I was very naive to what was going on, my partner had a really bad habit about 2 years ago which is now slightly better as he doesn’t do as much but still weekly.

      I find it’s the alcohol that’s a trigger and I really want to find a way through this so that we can get married but I’m dreading getting married and him still being an addict!

      I’ve sent all invites out and he keeps promising his going to stop & doesn’t! I’ve even said I don’t mind if he does it socially every now and then! But he still lies!

      Has anyone got any success stories or any hope for me please? X

      • #16894
        ash2013
        Participant

        Hi Abb,

        Sorry to read your story. I’m sure you you’re going through this. Unfortunately addicts lie, it’s what they do, they lie because think they can hide it. I’ve been with my now husband for 15 years and it’s been a rollercoaster, I’m not the person I was.

        My advice to you would be issue the ultimatum and put the ball in his court. An addict can’t really pick it up and put it down, so it’s not really a good idea to suggest he can still do it socially, because if he’s addict it would be like telling an alcoholic to have a wine now and then. It’s impossible, abstinence is the only way in all honesty. My husband thinks he can pick it up and put it down again, but when he starts again, the devil on his shoulder starts up again and it starts slow and then ramps up.

        I love my husband and when he’s clean he is the nicest person, but on coke he lies, is absent, And is void of all responsibilities and thought of anything other than ‘it’.

        You’re not alone, and you love him xx

      • #16917
        stephoxo
        Participant

        I have went through a stage of doing coke every night and stopped drinking to give it up. When I started drinking it started again! Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I think it will take a very long time to stop the cravings. He has to go cold turkey and not do it socially as it will kick start it as it did for me. I do know someone who completely quit coke by quitting drinking and now a year later can drink without having it and had even said no when it’s been offered. It takes time x

    • #16915
      stephoxo
      Participant

      Hi, I can relate to this so much as I had the addiction! It’s very strange with cocaine as genuinely I didn’t see it as an addiction or a problem until it slapped me in the face. I would lie and be horrible to cover it up. I was always snappy with people and changed as a person. It got so bad my mum considered committing suicide over it! My sister and two best friends intervened (even though they were all at the end of their thither with me) and held a sort of intervention. They didn’t tell me they were all going to be there as I wouldn’t have showed. I knew this was happening and I turned up with no sleep, no make up on and looking like shit barely able to speak! They spoke to me calmly about how I had changed and brought diagrams of how my life would be if I carried on and how it can be. They reminded me of how I used to be and why they loved me and never gave up on me. The biggest thing for me was them explaining how my actions affected and hurt them and my family- it broke me! I realised how selfish I was being and decided to make the change. My sister made me delete and block all dealers numbers as well as those who did it (including family!) I didn’t drink for a long tome as that is a trigger and honestly their love got me through. It was so hard but their love and support was all I needed! I saw things and my actions in a completely different way due to the drugs and they made me see the light. You should be there and support your husband before he goes too far- my friends and family were on the verge of disowning me and that shook me up. When you are in that bubble you can’t think straight and refuse to believe you’re wrong and lie to cover it up.

    • #17627
      loopylou
      Participant

      Hi everyone. Just read some of your stories and they ring so true to my relationship.

      I’ve been with my partner 7 years, I knew he drank and us coke when we got together but it didn’t seem a huge deal at the time. It was a thing he did on a night out wth friends, and tbh I didn’t know much about the stuff, and didn’t think he was addicted… how wrong was I?

      When we moved in together I realised how bad it really was, then we would get him off it for a bit (I think 7 months has been the longest that he’s been clean), he’d then relapse especially if it was Xmas time, or even summer evenings at the pub after work. This pattern of a few months clean, then relapse for several months happened all the time.

      Unfortunately in that time he cheated on me numerous times, this is something he would never do if sober. Drink and coke give him this macho, super confident, non-caring, blasé, look at me, cold, nasty personality – he literally stops caring or thinking about anyone or anything. He’s even gone as far as getting escorts, I’ve horrifically had to walk in after a long day at work to find him with an escort. Knowing that he’s just spent hundreds on someone he doesn’t know, for pointless sex (because he can’t get it up anyway) destroyed me. I’m an idiot, I stayed, this happened over and over, I loved him, I felt sorry for him. The next day he would be devastated with himself, he’s been at the point where he’s tried stabbing himself with a knife because he’s so ashamed, I had to wrestle it from him, then he started smashing his head against the wall… how could I leave him?

      He managed to keep a job, but missed days due to his addiction (as he’d be up until 6am doing coke), or there’s been occasions he doesn’t come home for days, he drove whilst completely out of it, over and over, I threatened him with the police but he didn’t care when in that state.

      I have called the police on him a few times, not only to try stop him driving while intoxicated, but because he’s been disgustingly violent to me whilst on this stuff, he’s thrown a hot iron at me, smashed my phone, punched me, held me up against a wall… each time I’ve called the police, I’m not taking that lying down. His family are not much use, the police would take him to his family saying he needs to stay away from me for 24 hours until sober, but within half hour they’re bringing him back asking what the problem is and ‘can’t we sort it out?’ at one point his mum said ‘well what are YOU doing to make him be this way? Maybe if you have dinner on the table when he comes home…’ excuse me but I work full time, I’m often not home until 7pm, why is it my job to provide his dinner anyway? Plus, most of the time he doesn’t even come home after work so how the hell is that gonna help? The amount of dinners I’ve made that have gone to waste because he hasn’t come home, I can’t even imagine.

      Why, if he’s crying the next day, if he hates himself, does he keep going back? Why does he think he doesn’t need help? He says he can stop on his own, but he never can. We’ve tried help, he went to a few sessions and felt embarrassed so stopped. We’ve even tried sessions as a couple but he didn’t like that the negative focus was on him, and sometimes he would turn up already on the stuff. He needs to put his ego aside. What he does whilst on that shit is way more embarrassing than going to sessions to help him.

      He’s mean, rude, nasty, argumentative, aggressive and uncontrollable even just on a come down, which lasts days/weeks.

      I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried going to groups myself but he thinks it’s embarrassing for him that I go.

      Reason I’m writing this right now, is because we woke up this morning, I was in a great mood, but he’s on a come down and just verbally attacked me to the point I just broke down into tears. Making me feel worthless and shit when all I’ve EVER done is try to support him, and constantly put up with his abuse.

      • #17676
        administrator
        Participant

        Hi Loopylou

        Thanks for sharing and so sorry to hear about your situation with your partner which sounds incredibly difficult.

        You can receive information and advice by phoning the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247. This line is free and confidential and is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

        There is also information and support available on the Women’s Aid website: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

        Thank you and take care.

    • #17747
      rfr
      Participant

      This is crazy to see how the husbands leave us women in disbelief. My husband who I’ve always done everything for has left me and never contacted me to say why or anything. I had to pay $20000.00 which I was told he owed the dealers. I don’t know what to believe. I heard that his drug use is getting the better of him. I know now that he is living with another lady who seems to help fund his lifestyle. As he left everything he owns at home . So from clothing upwards someone had to buy him as he had no job for some months. He has told people he hasn’t moved on and was planning to for a while. But his drug use was getting worse and I kept warning him. He chose drugs over his wife who has been bailing him out for 14 yrs. his cocaine use apparently began 10yrs ago but was hidden from me until the last three years. I asked him one time when he will stop. He said he sees a lil more cocaine in his life. I can’t understand that thinking at all. I cant understand how he can’t see how using cocaine and alcohol and viagra generic kamagra is going to damage his health. His use became so bad that his sperm count was ridiculously low (so I couldn’t get pregnant)and well he can’t have sex without using kamagra/viagra as the cocaine seemingly affects the ability to keep or even get it up. At 46 yrs he has thrown everything he had in store for him away. But it’s as though he thinks he did good and I’m the wrong one. I’m left with all the bills and house and two car mortgages. It makes me feel as though I failed in life. But this will make me stronger because it has always been me balancing the bills. His money was always funny. He would always cheat and walk away and return after months. Begging for forgiveness. But I now have to live my life. He isn’t the person I met and loved. He is a lying cheating person. I’m glad he was never physically abusive to me. But he has been very abusive to girls he cheated with. I want to believe shame and disgrace has a lot to do with how he cannot even call or message and say something. Give me closure. But when On That drug path u have to hit ground level to see the mess you made. I ask god to help me forgive him but I’ll never forget. Let me spread my wings now and live my life without having to run after his every need. I do wish that he can get the help he needs and save himself before it’s too late. Some days I’m ok and other days I feel as though I fell into a hole and cannot climb out and the world is laughing at me. But that’s my mind playing tricks. I did everything I can to try to help him and help make him a success. But he chose drugs over me and our marriage. They always seem to run to a woman who would allow them to use the drugs freely where they feel they wouldn’t be judged.

      Thanks to u all I realize I am not alone. This forum may help my mind stabilize and know that I was not wrong.

      • #27196
        westy081
        Participant

        This is like a mirror image of my life , no contact no closure just left to b with an escort girl who uses as well an I heard all they do is fight an he’s abusive to her ! He’s through away 30 years for drugs x

    • #17978
      jessepie
      Participant

      Hi i am new to this forum. I read your story and felt like i had written your whole story myself! I can see this was last year. How have things turned out for you? I am interested as this has recently happened to me and my family. I hope everythings ok with you and your children now. Im not sure what to do next! X

    • #18493
      gabriela12
      Participant

      I was married to a Narcissist. we split up in January when i found out he had been cheating on me. he got angry with me because i found out. he owes me thousands of dollars and i am going to take him to small claims court for all the money he owes me to this day, he has convinced the girl he was having an affair with behind my back that i was his landlady and that our relationship was all in my head. i know his world will come tumbling down one day and i cant wait for others too see him for what he is,he cheats and denies at all cost,he turns around and accuse me of cheating on him,domestic abuse is very normal to him’.. i had to get a hacking proof from ‘hackingloop6@gm ail . c o m’ to help me hack his phone and social media platforms,i was able to gather enough proofs of all his extramarital activities,contact the cyber genius also, if you have similar issue , His services are affordable .he helped me with the evidence i needed through my divorce.

    • #18499
      waltonfam
      Participant

      Wow, this is pretty identical to me. Although my hubby, kids father has said never again and hates the thought of it. He has been in detox 1 week. What hurts me is the irritable personality and the attacks of “knew you wouldn’t help me”, “you make me worse”, when ive done everything to help and support him. I literally carry him, drive for him (lost his license albeit not from drink), try and keep our business going, ferry kids around, take son football training most nights, Cook, Clean. My family are worries sick about me. Although hubby thinks and makes me feel I do nothing. He sits and expects me to do everything and when I make one slight comment as I’m “well can’t you get it”, I get a snarky vile look as if I’m a lazy cow. I’m ex guards and he says “how do you think I feel”, I’m in detox and can’t sleep a wink.

      Just no thought for me at all, it’s hurt all about him and I’m being told he has to have a lot of family support who understands what he is going to go through. What about us? I/we didn’t take the cocaine, they did. But who suffers more is the question. They believe them. Who do you think it is?

      Please bare with me, I’m a novice and 1 week I to finding out my husband who was “occasionally” doing it has actually been an addict for 6 months, using for 5 years. Drink & Coke and an affair on/off for 3 years. All our arguments were blamed on us as a couple and I was blamed for not being there for him. I was a mom with 3 kids, 3 pets, elderly parents. I believed him. Maybe I wasn’t there for him. But he was already on the vile stuff.

      I am 49, been married to my soulmate for 22 years. Met him when we were 15z. What a man. I just hope and pray I get him back.

      I’ve gone on and on but how do me and the kids get through the irritable rants and blame and then a sorry is supposed to make us feel better.

      I won’t give up on him. I love him to bits.

      I just need help to get through it ‘with him’.

      • #18502
        nod23
        Participant

        Wow, I totally get you! I do everything!

        I have 3 kids also and it is so hard trying to juggle everything and try to keep the kids away from his vile moods!

        Been with him over 16 years and like your hub says he hates the stuff but can’t stay clean for longer than 5 days now. It used to be once a month then once every 2 weeks then once a week and now it’s a struggle to keep him away from alcohol for longer than 2 days and with alcohol obviously comes the coke. It’s an horrendous circle that we live through 🙁

        I really hope your hubby stays clean and starts to treat you the way you deserve it’s sounds horrendous what you have been through and put up with. You are not alone x

    • #19326
      burgdorfmomma2
      Participant

      I’ve been married 8 years I have 2 kids. One day it was like my world fell apart he is a long haul trucker so it took me longer to see signs because he isnt home much irregular sleep etc. Is not unusual for that life. I still have no proof but my gut knows. He has become EVERYTHING he despises. I went from the love of his life to the reason for his misery “I ruined his happiness”. He was an extremely loyal man he has now cheated on me with his ex best friends fiance he has volatile outbursts he stays away but in one place for ridiculously long periods like I truly believe his truck breaks down always in the same town…simple fixes take weeks to fix and he completely stopped financially supporting us (im a stay at home.mom) he says oh ill transfer $ from the buisness account on Monday then Monday comes and ohh ummm my checks negative and apparently has been for MONTHS…he goes a week without calling the kids then lies and says he has been calling everyday. He hung up on my 7 year old and lied about it. He blames depression…coming from a guy that won’t admit to having seasonal allergies. Im sure he needed an excuse to guilt me into not leaving him over his horrific treatment of myself our kids and whole family.

      I filed for divorce now and he only cares about child support begging me not to ask for child support… the man that would give his children elaborate gifts before doesnt even feed them now. Ive had to get food stamps and move in with family. He had his car repossessed and has collection agencies calling everyday.

      His excuse for his bad choices (he has yet to admit to drugs) is I wont change so he can’t change…I take all his happiness away…being with me is hard… I trigger his anger by having emotions or saying things he doesn’t like.

      I started believing myself to be a soul sucking monster woman that I was so horrible I made him stop loving me and start pulling away from even his kids. Until enough people opened my eyes to the reality of drugs and I did my research now that I have confronted him he has cut all contact with me and is hiding from our divorce… my life is spiraling

      • #22754
        dora97
        Participant

        I am new to this site but have felt in turmoil for years on and off. I have had a relationship with my partner for 15 years who has manipulated me into thinking I am the monster who creates his anger – I am apparently the one who constantly criticises him and makes him feel inadequate. He almost makes stuff up that I have said and makes me question the type of person I am. Over the years he has be a very nasty individual with anger issues, looking at me with disgust, sleeping a lot, isolating himself. He spends some time in France working and when I try and contact him weekends he doesn’t answer his phone. We also work together so sometimes trying to get hold of him to ask him a work question he will go mad stating ‘why are you calling me continuously or ranting about something else. Other times he can be sweet as pie and I have come to the conclusion that he is nice when he is drinking alcohol and taking cocaine. Any other time he is incredibly difficult. He has said to me in the past taking substances is the only way he can express himself positively. He tends to forget that when he isn’t taking anything he becomes this nasty aggressive condescending individual. Recent argument – he is going back to work in France and I told him not to rush back. I am sick of blaming myself for his addiction. I have tried to be nice and give support but he isn’t going to change. He has been doing it since and before I met him and will continue to do it. I have had enough of the banging crashing, emotional aggression or lack of emotion and condescending nature so time to think of myself for a change. I can relate to most points that people have stated here and only wish there was a quick fix – not likely!!

    • #19329
      abc123
      Participant

      Hi I am really sorry to hear about your story. It is devastating to see how drugs can spill in our lives. I know you love him (or his version that you have in your mind that’s not there anymore). He is an adult and he chose drugs. He knew they were dangerous. I don’t think there is nothing more you can do than getting separated. It is very unstable for your children and definitely not good for them. I understand that being left with 5 children is not easy but there is no merit in keeping an abusive marriage. You don’t need to feel bad for telling him some home truths. He deserves to hear them. Get a solicitor and get separated.

    • #20329
      ajtone
      Participant

      This sucks. But a lot of his actions aren’t the coke in my opinion. Cheating specifically. And his assumption about only crackheads and heroin users being addicts is unfortunately a common theme in groups of addicts. I’ve been guilty if it myself as if bring a coke sniffer in 8th grade wasn’t an extreme problem. Drugs are rough and addicts are very unlucky. But some of us can and do change.

    • #20910
      ange
      Participant

      I hope everyone that has shared their story is doing better!

      I am here because I am at the end of my rope with my boyfriend – only boyfriend – of a year and a half’s crack addiction.

      I supported him through it, until he ramped up the cheating. I gave the ultimatum – stop cheating or get out. I realize I cannot stop the drug use, but his obsessive sex drive for things he is not interested in sober, things that are not even within his normal sober sexual orientation which he is disgusted at sober – are STILL cheating and unacceptable.

      But he then cheated again. I am not sure I can move past this one. He is two weeks sober. AGAIN.

      I guess time will tell. I’m sorry everyone is dealing with this in marriages with children. I wish y’all the best!

    • #21566
      faithnotfear
      Participant

      I have just read through all these stories and my heart is flying out through my chest. I found out 3 weekends ago that my husband has been doing cocaine in secret for the past 2 1/2 years.

      We have been together 17 years and married 13. We have 4 kids and 2 granddaughters. I thought we shared everything. We met through the underground music scene and have used cocaine recreationally, as well as other typical dance drugs. We never went mad on it though because of kids/work etc. Though i know he hit it hard sometimes before we met when he was in a rougher crowd. We always promised never at home, never around the kids and always together.

      Unknown to me in Autumn 2018 he bought extra coke and put aside. He started a bit at a time at weekends late evenings. Over time in 2019 he started treating me like crap. I nearly kicked him out xmas 2019 because he jumped out of bed and went crazy on me. Pushing me and throwing stuff. Throughout 2020 he has literally terrorised me or ignored me. I have threatened him with the police most weekends. The house got wrecked and i wanted to die. He was vile and heartless. I thought it was because he was hitting gin too hard.

      Finally things seemed to settle down a bit and we made it through xmas 2020. Promises were made and i started to forgive him for being so cruel.

      Two weeks ago he got seen by his business partner’s friend buying drugs. That’s when it all came out. He was basically doing it every day for 2020. Morning, noon and night. No wonder he was being so horrible. He tried to stop but he couldn’t. He’s almost died off it then done more. But still protected his secret and carried on being horrible.

      The day i found out i rang cauk. They are amazing and are helping him realise what on earth he has done. He will be clean 3 weeks tomorrow.

      I am a complete and utter mess. All my memories for the last 2.5 years have been turned upside down. I cannot even get my head round the lies and sneaking around. I thought we were in this together. My heart is broken and i can barely function. All the signs were there but i trusted him. My future is also unknown. I’m completely reliant on him for money as he runs a business that has given us a very comfortable life after years of being skint. I don’t want to lose my home, my garden or my kids dreams for the future. But his business partner is struggling.

      I’m struggling. My husband is struggling. He wants to get better and he looks already like a shadow was lifted. He looks me in the eye for the first time in years. He said he hated what he was doing but just couldn’t stop. I hope he can do this but i am so, so scared for the future and know that it is completely out of my hands.

    • #21595
      ash2013
      Participant

      Hi FaithnotFear,

      Furstly, well done for having the courage to post. Many people find themselves in a situation like you, and your husband is typical of a recreational user who got hooked. Cocaine is a sly drug and you never know when it will take hold. It gets to the point where you are constantly chasing the good feeling, and then it turns to just using it to feel normal, not good. Then its too late.

      My husband is late 40’s, and he used coke recreationally for 10 years, then for 10 years it was a problem, in varying degrees. He’s quite strong willed and he struggled. He was clean for months here and there after a ‘moment’ where he thought, what am I doing?!’ He is now 13 months clean, did it himself (with support from me of course) he cannot drink alcohol anymore either as the two were linked. It is possible to stop, but he’ll need time, make sure he eats properly and spends time with positive influences, not coke users! Coke users tend to be pretty selfish, and they dont care that your husband is trying to stay clean, they just want someone to do it with.

      Thinking of you, and sending love x

    • #21795
      sal98
      Participant

      Hi,

      Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories. But I must admit they are terrifying me. I’ve recently realised that my boyfriend of 4 years is addicted to alcohol and cocaine. He realises this too, and 2 months ago got help from his gp, started AA and CA meetings. But tonight I find he’s been back using cocaine for the past 3 weeks and has already mounted up a pile of debt (I had just helped him repay £2500 cocaine debts). He isn’t violent or insulting when he is high, just distant, where I feel that I am living alone. He isn’t out partying but taking cocaine in secret, often at work.

      He said that he can’t control the urge to get cocaine and can’t confide in me as he’s scared I’ll leave him.

      I’m at an age where I want to get married and start a family. He says he wants this too but it seems to me cocaine is his only priority. I’m scared that he has went for help and it hasn’t worked. I’m worried that if I stay with him, the lies, deceit and financial problems will destroy any future we could have. I’m worried that down the line it’s inevitable that our life will turn out like the original posters story. I don’t know if I can or where to start to help him. I feel myself turning into a paranoid wreck. I really don’t know if it’s just time for me to run away from it all? Has anyone’s relationship actually recovered from addiction?

      • #21812
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        Sadly it does not sound like he is ready to get better. Has he told his ca people that he is using again?

        I don’t know what i would do if my husband started up again, i think it would have to be game over because he would definitely have to leave his business and therefore we would lose our house. And i certainly won’t be able to bail him out..i would have to prioritise my kids and myself.

        He has this chance and he is glad to be out of it.

        My husband says he got stuck in a rut and couldn’t see a way out. He was ashamed of what he was doing and kept telling himself that it would be the last time, but then found himself getting more.

        Now it came out he is out of the rut and has completely changed his patterns and routines so that he isn’t on the same pathways that directed him to using. Like he comes home and cooks us dinner, instead of sitting in work doing it and rather than hiding away in his room at home where he was mostly on it, he comes upstairs and talks to us instead.

        The whole thing is a pattern of behaviour that needs to change, not just the substance use.

        Does your boyfriend know how much he is hurting you? That stuff does make them heartless though. If he won’t get off it then you’re going to have a road to heartbreak.

        So many of us going through all this it seems xx

      • #21881
        danman83
        Participant

        Hiya sal hope your OK. I’m 11 week clean from coke. I started CA 11 week ago and have been clean since. Did he get a sponsor and work the steps at the meetings? I feel so much happier since joining and my life is on the right track.

        I just used on my own and feel embarrassed. Does your partner want to quit? He needs get rid of the dealers nums and get a new num. Come off social media aswell we’re u can message them. That’s just the start. He can’t drink neither.

    • #21811
      faithnotfear
      Participant

      Hi Ash,

      Thank you for your reply. Last week was i was really falling apart with everything and i spoke to the doctor. He put me on anti-depressants and temporality on to diazepam. I feel a bit more human this week. Partly because of the medicine and partly because I’m witnessing one hell of a change in my husband over the past two weeks. He really does seem to want to get better and now that he told me everything i can see how much he too was suffering in his horrible lonely world.

      Last year on Mother’s Day he got angry the night before and stayed up late drinking and doing that stuff. He stayed in bed til 4pm and then ignored me, then argued with me in the evening. No card, no flowers and he did not even say Happy Mother’s Day. He broke my heart and i was so ashamed of him i didn’t even tell anyone until this all came out.

      This year however… he got up early, went out and bought us all breakfast rolls, did some work on his car with our son (who has also been ignored bc of the addiction), then took all the kids shopping to buy nice gifts. Like he used to do before this happened.

      Also, during his active using he has been so heartless if i have been sad, but since it all came out and he has seen how hurt and upset i am he has been comforting me like a husband is meant to. It has been a shock for him to see the damage he has done but it is an important part for him to accept this and put things right.

      He has promised he will never let me down again or lie to me, and I’m really starting to believe it. I know it’s still such early days but there is hope.

    • #21871
      recov4all
      Participant

      I’m so sorry you are going through this. I am an alcoholic. Married to one who is also a Cocaine addict. At least, from my education after more than one dui, I believe he is an addict. It’s something that I always kind of knew because we used to do it together. But after my last arrest, I have been sober for 1 year and 4 days. I can relate to the hateful things said during a bender, and the gaslighting when I was actively drinking. I messed up but it was a two way street. Nothing was ever his fault. Once I got sober, and he saw I was serious.. he gained more trust in me and saw that he actually was part of the problem. He has confessed that he wants to stop or at least slow down, but there has been minimal effort to do so. I’m worried about us long term and when we have children. I do not want them around two alcoholic parents, even though I’m in recovery. And definitely don’t want Cocaine or people using cocaine in our home when that time comes. Sorry for venting but just wanted to let you know— I get what you’re feeling and going through

    • #21878
      sal98
      Participant

      Thanks everyone for your comments. He is seeing his ca sponsor tonight and has an appointment with a counsellor on Friday. He’s saying all the things like he’s disgusted with himself, hates hurting me and really wants to change. I believe he means what he’s saying now but I can’t get over the lies and betrayal over the past year, then the last 3 weeks. I told him the time that it all came out in January that I would support him through it and if he had a slip, he should tell me. I told him I would leave if he went back taking coke and waited for me to find out, that I would leave him. Now I’m in that situation, I don’t know what to do! We were so happy, travelled the world together and were best friends before this started. Now I don’t know who I’m living with and I can hardly bear to look at him. I really don’t want to leave, I want the life we had planned before this but I don’t know if that’s possible any more. I feel so stupid and cheated thinking about marriage and babies while he’s spending every penny he has and running up debt in coke. I feel so lost!

    • #21885
      sal98
      Participant

      Hi Dan, thanks for your reply. I was reading your comments on different threads, you’re giving hope to a lot of us on here!

      Yea, he said that he does want to stop and the CA and counselling is coming from him, I’m not pushing him into it. I believe he wants to stop, I just doubt his ability! Hes been going to ca for 5 weeks but has been back on coke 3 weeks. He was actually sitting at a meeting with coke in his pocket! He said he finds it helpful, but if he did, how could he still be taking coke? I think he struggles with the spiritual aspect of it as he’s not religious. He said he’s going to take it more seriously this time. Although tonight is the first time he’ll be meeting up with his sponsor, so fingers crossed it will help somehow!

      Yea, he knows he needs to stop alcohol too and hasn’t drank since January. I’m saying he needs to give up cannabis too, he said he will but I’m not convinced. At the moment, there seems to be no triggers or temptation to take coke.. He’s doing it in secret on his own. I’m terrified of ongoing relapses.. What happens after lockdown? We’re both known as the life and soul of the party and the last ones standing at a party.. How can we ever socialise again?! I’m having trouble accepting that part of my life is gone, I can’t imagine how that feels for him. I don’t think he’ll cope in those situations.

      Jenna, my boyfriend is an expert at disguising his addiction.. But the signs I noticed is that he seemed distant, like he would be sitting beside me but no emotion. He stopped going to bed at the same time as me. He couldn’t explain where his money was going, got very stressed and defensive if I asked him.

      • #21886
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        It’s very common for addicts to not stop straight away. My husband’s sponsor used to nip out of his early meetings to carry on using, but eventually he lost everything and finally got serious about it.

        Now he is clean, got his family back and is helping my husband.

        My husband says a lot of people join but struggle with the higher power or are just not ready. I am so glad mine is taking it seriously though.

        I heard that the higher power cam be anything from nature to a penguin or tree. It’s not about god but you have to give 100% to make it work.

      • #21887
        danman83
        Participant

        I don’t get how coke in your pocket will help at a meeting lol. That is his addictive brain thinking. It tricks you into so many things.

        Regarding the spiritual aspect.. Please tell him what I tell you now.. I stopped believing in God along time ago. It doesn’t have to be God. It can be our own higher power which he will know from the meetings. Your higher power can be anything. It can be a dog if u wanted. Mine is basically the universe, good energy, think positive get positive solutions in life. Like the law of attraction. Treat others how you would like to be treated, be kind, be kind to the planet, recycle. Just that basically. And I pray each morning, and all I say is.. Higher power please take away my fears, make me stronger to fight my addiction. Protect my children. Just something like this. For one its not gonna kill you and if it helps beating an addiction. I’ll take that any day. The 1st few week will seem weird doing this. But tell him be more positive, believe in himself, and the rewards will be great. I can’t say nowt I’m only 11 week clean. But I feel great and things are going my way. It really does feel like law of attraction. Is working. He needs to meditate each morn as well. Just 10 mins listening to a you tube 1, or an app. It really helps to clear your mind..

        Rome wasn’t built in a day so tell him don’t give up, and at least try these things for a few week. If I new what I new now I would of done this years ago. its just plain stupid taking coke into a meeting, and it’s not good on other people in recovery incase he mentions this to them. There are loads of online meetings through zoom if he goes on CA website.

        That’s how exactly I feel, I’m the last 1 standing, and when the lock down is over I’m worried. But I’ve set some goals and boundary, no one is allowed our house. My gf has go out if she wants a drink. We are just gonna do things with the kids

        I don’t want to feel depressed and suicidal for days from it. I’ve seen so many podcast where ex addicts have become so successful and feel so happy in life. I feel like I’m getting a taste of it. And I will do my best to keep going. Your partner will just be stuck in the same routine it’s a bout breaking it, and to be strong and believe in himself, and not to give up. Keep trying. Hope it goes well for him, ????????

        • #21891
          sal98
          Participant

          Thanks so much, that’s great advise! I will pass it all on to him, I think it will help. You really are making a difference to many of us on this forum, I really hope your recovery goes well. Some day you’ll be a great sponsor for ppl at ca.

          • #21902
            danman83
            Participant

            Thank you for that. I really hope so. It means a lot that. Thank you ????

        • #21900
          ash2013
          Participant

          Well done DanMan, 13 weeks is brilliant. Long may it continue, and you can get your life back 🙂

          • #21903
            danman83
            Participant

            Thanks for that. It’s 12 week this sat. But thank you ????????

    • #21889
      sal98
      Participant

      Thanks, that’s reassuring. I just feel now though that every relapse is taking more of me away. In a way I feel ashamed that I’m not brave enough to pack my bags, I feel stupid trying to grasp at the future we had planned.

      I know it’s crisis point with us now and I know it won’t always be like that but I can’t see a way out of it at the moment.. What’s the first steps back to normality? I can barely look at him now. I know he’s hurting now, but I can’t help myself guilt tripping him and telling him what a useless mess he is. I know it’s not helping but I don’t feel able to try be positive about anything. He just told me that he feels like throwing himself under a bus.

    • #21890
      sal98
      Participant

      K

    • #21898
      ash2013
      Participant

      Sal98,

      I, like you, wondered why I couldn’t just pack my bags and leave everytime my husband relapsed. I think I had become co-dependent on him. My husband is now 15 months clean from cocaine, never before has he managed more than 6 months. He cannot drink alcohol, so in 15 months has not drunk any alcohol or used any cocaine. Its so nice living with someone when you know how he’ll react at any given time to any situation. I’ve never had that before.

      Don’t get me wrong I will probably always worry about certain people turning his head, or that invite to a social event that you now dread. In fact lockdown has done us massive favours, as those things havent been a concern.

      Why didn’t I leave….. probably fear that if I did would make him spiral to even worse, and not wanting that on my conscience was certainly one reason. In addition, we have a child together and the thought of having to leave her with him when he was an active user was not also worth the utter dread that would come with that scenario. Thankfully things are good at present, I also probably thought ‘at some point when he stops, he’ll stop for good right’ always hoping. Maybe this time is it.

      Sending love, and positive strength. Lord knows, we need it. x

      • #21907
        sal98
        Participant

        Thanks Ash, I’m hoping and praying that I’ll be able to come back here in a years time and be in the same position as you.

        Like you, I’m worried that if I leave, he will lose it completely. But I’m also worried that if I don’t, I’m sacrificing my own future happiness. I’m 34 and I felt so ready to start a family and I know there’s no way I could think about introducing a baby to the situation the way it is. I’m so angry that he’s thrown all of our future plans out the window.

        But thanks, everyone’s comments are helping me to soften/ calm down. I might be able to talk to him once he comes home from his sponsor.

    • #21914
      faithnotfear
      Participant

      I just wanted to clarify i wasn’t condoning substance abuse during meetings, my husband’s sponsor wasn’t ready and willing at that point. He continued his path until everything did cave in and at that point he realised he had to stop and do it properly this time. And I’m glad he did for my husband’s sake. He’s an amazing sponsor.

      A lot of people get told to clean up but aren’t ready and willling to change. They might go to a meeting to see if things will blow over, then carry on.

      It might take many attempts but they have to hit a rock bottom before they can go back up again.

      Sal98 i completely understand your reasoning too. When i found out in some ways i felt that i should automatically kick my husband out. But thinking rationally if he wanted to get better and has our shared dreams as a goal it gives him something to strive for. When it all came out i made him go talk to his parents (partly bc i couldn’t handle being around him then) and he broke down to the ground that he had let me down, and the kids and deserved to be thrown in the gutter.

      Yes, he has let me down but he’s only human and it all got out if hand. The drugs played tricks on his brain. He can put it right. His recovery comes first and everything else will fall into place.

      It’s still very early days but so far, so good.

      Good luck this evening. It sounds like your boyfriend needs a lot more support to keep him on track.

    • #21915
      sal98
      Participant

      Thanks Ash, that means a lot. His sponsor has suggested I go to meeting with him now. We’re about to leave to go but I don’t know if I can pull myself together enough to go. Is it bad that I’m afraid everyone will try and make me feel pity for his situation? I feel like I’m not ready but don’t want to miss the opportunity either? ????

    • #21942
      sal98
      Participant

      Hi, just wanted to give you all an update. I did pull myself together enough to go to the ca meeting with him last night and I’m really glad I did. I know it’s not usual for them to allow partners attend a meeting, I’m not really sure why they allowed me in but I think it might have saved us. The support of the people in the room was unbelievable and I really feel if he fully commits to it this time, it can work. I’m really glad to have a better insight into it. He acknowledged that he was still clinging on to some idea that he could still do it while having the odd joint/pint/line every now and then but I think ot has finally hit him that he needs to leave all those behind him. He said that he is fully committed to going to all the meetings now and we’re both attending a counsellor tomorrow. I know it’s been a complete change of tune from me today and hard to believe but I’m not angry today and I feel some hope after attending the meeting. So fingers crossed we can beat this horrible disease together.

      • #21943
        danman83
        Participant

        I’ve not been to a face to face meeting yet. But everyone is welcoming and we look after each other. He needs a good support network. Did he get people’s number to connect with each day?

        I’m not an alcoholic and I can’t drink ever again, if I don’t want coke again. I can’t drink again. They come hand in hand. And now I have accepted it. Well done for going the meeting with him and seeing the bigger picture. I hope it works out for you both I really do.

        ????????

        • #21945
          sal98
          Participant

          Thanks! I’m in Ireland so the meetings are seen as essential but they still have zoom meetings too. It was definitely a very different St Patrick’s day for us lol.

          But thanks for everything you said yesterday, I sent it on to him and it kind of helped break the ice between us, showed that I was trying to help cuz all I could physically say to him yesterday was guilt trips. He showed it to his sponsor, and he really reinforced everything you said. He’s meeting his sponsor tonight to go through the book and then I think meet him twice a week on top of the meetings so it’s going to be very intense for a while.

    • #21947
      danman83
      Participant

      A crap St Patrick’s day then lol. Well that’s good and it shows he is dedicated. When he gets a month clean in, fingers crossed he does. And even longer. He will get tested out of the blue. For instance I was 2 month clean. I found a full bag of coke out side my car coming out the gym. That never happens. I ripped it open and binned it. My gf friend came round and pulled out 5 bags of it. 2 weeks before I seen a hypnotist, then I relapsed. We bump in to people we normally never would and then end up using.

      He might already know this, but just make him aware of these things when he gets a good month in, even months. He needs to be mentally prepared for these situations and have the strength just to walk away, straight away and not dwell on it.

      Things like.. I can have 1 sip I’m cured now, even if its 6 month down the line. That won’t work. He will be back on it for years if that happens. Its happened to so many people. Hope this helps.

    • #21948
      danman83
      Participant

      A crap St Patrick’s day then lol. Well that’s good and it shows he is dedicated. When he gets a month clean in, fingers crossed he does. And even longer. He will get tested out of the blue. For instance I was 2 month clean. I found a full bag of coke out side my car coming out the gym. That never happens. I ripped it open and binned it. My gf friend came round and pulled out 5 bags of it. 2 weeks before I seen a hypnotist, then I relapsed. We bump in to people we normally never would and then end up using.

      He might already know this, but just make him aware of these things when he gets a good month in, even months. He needs to be mentally prepared for these situations and have the strength just to walk away, straight away and not dwell on it.

      Things like.. I can have 1 sip I’m cured now, even if its 6 month down the line. That won’t work. He will be back on it for years if that happens. Its happened to so many people. Hope this helps.

    • #21950
      ash2013
      Participant

      Totally agree with Danman. My husband used to think he could pick it up and put it down, he can’t and he now realises this is the case.

      He also knows he can’t drink because they go hand in hand for him. I in turn don’t drink, not that that really bothers me, but every now and then I might like a beer or a glass of fizz, but I just dont drink either now, I dont want to tempt him.

      x

    • #21951
      sal98
      Participant

      Thanks Dan & Ash for your great advise. This forum has really helped me get through the last few days days. I have confided in two friends and his brother but its so valuable to get support ppl who have lived through it. I will talk to him about situations that will test him and I’ll def keep off the drink around him.

      • #21960
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        I’m really glad you went to the meeting and might have a chance of him getting better now. This is really great news.

        The first part of all of this is accepting that they are an addict. They cannot control their use of this stuff. My husband was still in denial for the first week or so but he’s 4 weeks clean today and already is like a different person. He is like the man i fell in love with.

        The first few days the guys from cauk were all ringing him and texting him loads to help him get on the right track. Now he’s almost finished step one and is going to help the new starters find their feet.

        Good luck to both of you. xx

    • #21952
      sal98
      Participant

      I

    • #22599
      atautimer
      Participant

      So I’d like to share my story. Bro I feel stupid because I got myself in this but I wanted him. Been together 7 years. First 2 years were the BEST we were still in high school.He lived 3 hours away and I would make time to always go visit. I moved in with him after finishing high school. This man did everything from pills to coke and smoked so much marijuana, look no issue with it I just hate roaches and ash being in the house. So we split up for a year (he stopped the pills was going to the gym) and after we got our own spot in a trailer home , very nice. We always talk about INVESTMENTS, GOALS, HOPES,&DREAMS. Yes yes yes! But every night for the past year ? no 2 years because my son is about to be 1 & he did it while I was pregnant (said he was getting it of his system before the baby got here meaning party hard before baby got here and then stop) . I know when he takes his very first bump, OH Yeah! He will not stop after that… all night. The next day if we had plans , might as well cancel them because he’s gonna wanna lay day all day cause he was up all night. My room is dark all the time because there’s a blanket covering the window. I’m a morning person, or I’d like to think of myself as one. I tell him all the time that he’s holding me back from all our goals. There’s so much ambition in him and he chooses to give attention to something throwing him off his game. I also always tell him maybe I’m the one holding you back since he always wants to be doing that. He’s always saying how much I spend in money but REALLY guys do you know how EXPENSIVE it is to buy coke z

    • #22897
      emuemma
      Participant

      How refreshing to read an insight into similar life through someone else story .

      Today this morning was an all time low for me . As I discovered a small dis guarded cocaine bag . After coming home from work. Where I had been chatting to a friend. Who gave me some advice. I made the horrific find this morning. Confirming the fact that my I thought just “ alcoholic “ husband was in fact taking cocaine. Also as I pieced together events I realised that in fact , he has been a habitual and perpetual taker of cocaine. But somehow I missed all the clues . Clues that I brushed off , constantly tired grumpy. Then boom good mood . A work associate of his said flippantly to me once “ he likes a bit of coke “ unfortunately he was chatting me up so I thought at the time ( as others had thought it too ) I stupidly thought he was lying. Then a few months ago when he was still drinking 3 litres minimum of Gin a week . I found a similar small zip plastic bag . But thought nothing of it . Then after a few rows lately he seems to have calmed the drinking down . But for the last few weekends has been very jolly and up all night . After discussing with a friend who questioned the behaviour. ( having had a relative at home take cocaine) I then realised what I’d not been noting as cocaine taking . Oddly enough thank The Lord God , I literally found the dis guarded evidence plastic bag . To match behaviour. I’ve not told another person . Apart from the friend that gave me the nod . I’m crushed but shell shocked, deeply sad and heart broken. But haven’t cried or confronted my husband. Because I’ve learned over the 5 years with him drinking. It gets me nowhere. It’s like I’m now living in a nightmare that only I’m aware of

    • #23381
      she
      Participant

      Hi I’m new to this group after having the last 3 years of hell feeling I had no where to turn and in constant fear not of physical violence but that my hubby will have a hear attack and i have to cpr.

      Is is wrong i sometimes wish a medical episode that he may realise the coke is the issue not me .

      Reading the above stories and i now no I’m not the only one .

      • #23394
        sal98
        Participant

        Thanks so much for posting today, it’s reminded me that we aren’t all alone in this. I woke up crying and made the decision to leave, then I got the notification about this forum.

        I posted in this forum a lot in March and got great help. However he has relapsed a few times since then, it seems he’s in far too deep now to just stop without residential rehab. I met his counsellor with him on Monday, he promised me the world and assured me he would stop. Yesterday (Tuesday) I discovered he was texting ppl to get coke. Its completely taken over him.

        I’m in absolute turmoil now whether leaving is the right thing but I have to accept that he is not the man I loved while this ugly drug has a hold on him.

        Has your partner admitted that he needs help?

        • #23397
          she
          Participant

          No sal98 he says I have a problem as it’s only a little bit. It’s a little bit 5 nights a week . He’s let me down massively over the last couple of years. He got off it before my sisters wedding so he didn’t come . My dad’s funeral last year he got off it. When I’ve needed him He’s not there I’ve lied about where he is.

          My kids are aware as they are 20 17 . They think he’s a loser these are two girls who were daddies girls .

          I’m so sad . I did confined in his siater who then rang him and told him what I’d said. None of it a lie but he told her I was deluded .

          I told him I thought he was addict last night probably not best idea. He says he’s leaving me in 4 weeks when our eldest goes back to her base . I said why wait f#$k off now . Plus apparently I didn’t dry his clothes on time . I forgot to put them in drier last night send got up sn hour early this morning.

          He does nothing in the house nl cooking cleaning . I pay all bills . Even cinders went to a ball

    • #23383
      ash2013
      Participant

      Hi ‘She’

      Oh no….. you are not alone in wishing that, it certainly crossed my mind at times. It is because you feel helpless, and because you yourself cannot stop him using it, your only hope is that ‘something’ else stops him.

      My husband is clean now, and has been for 17 months, its amazing! But it took a hole in his septum and my consistency of not accepting it for him to stop for good. He also has not drunk any alcohol for the same period of time. He did not have a drink problem, but the two went hand in hand, and drinking is certainly a trigger.

      You are not alone sweetheart, if you would like any help with coping please ask, and we will help if we can. Also there are ex addicts on this site, and they will also help you from the other perspective.

      I did not handle it well, and I have PTSD because of his drug use. Its getting better all the time, with time, but its so hard for everyone involved.

      Sending love x

    • #23384
      ash2013
      Participant

      I posted twice, sorry!

      • #23389
        she
        Participant

        Thank Ash. It has taken loads of courage to join this as I fid not know what to do I have reams of writing as I started to journal the good the bad and ugly when I noticed it all .

        It’s created a narcissistic person who is awful lazy rude . But in public the bloody bees knees .

        Glad j can look through this and feel there maybe hope . We’ve been together 22 years and the last 3 have been horrendous. We split once for 6 weeks I had no clue where he was for 2 . Then found out he was at his dad’s. His family think I make it up as he told them i did .

        I asked his dad for help as he is an alcoholic who has been sober for 30yrs who understood and told me stuff tk look out for . We had a good relationship till that day I told him . My hubby told his died i lied and he’s not spoke to me since

        I worker in mh services so I understand some bits .

        Sorry to go on but it’s just nice to finally sick this up

    • #23393
      ash2013
      Participant

      Hi She,

      Oh boy, yes they become the masters of manipulation! Treat those close (you) like the enemy, but to everyone else they appear to be wonderful.

      I only confided in a couple of friends, I did not tell my family, or his. I think to be fair if I had told his family it would have been worse for me. The fear of repercussion of anything I did was massive. No, he never physically abused me, but the mental abuse was torture. You become desensitised to it to a point, their behaviour becomes almost acceptable, but if you talk about it to anyone else they look at you like you are nuts to still be together.

      I stayed because I knew there was a good person in there and also because we have a child and part of that being that I did not want to ever have to leave her with him alone (crazy right!).

      He now talks about people who ‘use’ with contempt and disgust. I truly hope this is forever now. The fear of relapse for me is still there, but its getting easier.

      Do you have kids? does he work? Part of our problem was that my husband could afford it, he never got into debt or borrowed money. It made it easy!

      Ash x

    • #23395
      ash2013
      Participant

      Hi Sal,

      I’ve read a lot over the years about cocaine addiction, and I know it takes a strong willed person to stop. Cocaine is worse than Heroin in terms of its psychological hold on the addict. The physical withdrawal nothing like opioids, but psychologically it is harder to stop.

      My husband gave up 17 months ago (after a number of failed attempts) this has been the longest time clean by probably a year…. and like I’ve mentioned before, his mindset has shifted. He did it without help, no rehab, no counsellor, just support from me and his child. But he had to want to give up. There was never anything I could say to stop him doing what he wanted, before the lightbulb moment, which was partly down to a hole inside his nose.

      He does not associate with the old crew, he spends his time at work, at home, and some time seeing friends who do not use. Believe me, this reduced his circle of friends by probably 90%. He has not touched alcohol. He is 49, and I think he’s grown up (finally)

      I feel so much empathy for people who are going through what I did, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

      Sending love x

    • #23566
      gm2126
      Participant

      Get out , get out if you can because it will not change at all….. I wish I could walk away but I’m Financially trapped for the next 5 years then I’m free to walk away…. It will bring you so down that you will hit rock bottom and not know how to come back up……

    • #23567
      sal98
      Participant

      It’s such a hard decision to leave, it’s the logical decision for most of us to leave. But the it’s only us in the situation that understand what it’s like wishing the person we fell in love with back to life. But if he’s not doing anything to help himself and is continuing to beat you down, maybe it’s time to give up wishing.

      I left 10 days ago, when I last commented. But I’m still in turmoil over what to do. My leaving has really hit him hard and his whole family are disgusted with him now that the whole truth is out. He’s been saying he wants to change for months but I think the consequences have really hit him this time. He’s now trying every day to get a place in a residential rehab. I’ve decided to go back if he goes to rehab. It all sounds like it’s positive at the minute but I still can’t get over all the hurt from the lies he’s put me through and I hate having to be suspicious all the time so I’m not too optimistic.

      I’ve started seeing a family addiction counsellor and honestly I can’t recommend it enough. I initially refused to see a counsellor as I thought it would be about teaching me to be more tolerant with addiction. But it’s completely different, they coach you about how to communicate effectively with your addict and teach you about setting boundaries with them. @she I think this would be very important to you because you need to start looking after you.

    • #23568
      she
      Participant

      @sal98 you are brave and strong xx it’s your decision what ever you decide its not easy getting out x I’ve struggled with that thought as I have a,17yr here so it’s not easy to go as where do I go.

      A mum leaving her daughter behind it’s just not a thing I’m willing to do yet until she is away at uni.

      Since the showdown he hasn’t done it but boy is he grumpy. I’m guessing the abstinence won’t last.

      • #23569
        sal98
        Participant

        Yea, I’m in a completely different situation, we don’t have kids and we were living in a house owned by his family. But I’m not in an ideal situation now, sleeping on an air bed in my friends apartment. And it looks like I’ll go back soon, but if that doesn’t work, rent prices is crazy here so I’m going to have to find a house share to live in.. I’m dreading the thought of that.

        Maybe in your situation if it doesn’t work out, you may be asking him to leave. But whatever happens, I think a family addiction counsellor will be a great help to you. I’m in Ireland and I was surprised to find how freely available counselling is here, but if you’re in a country where it is expensive, there’s services like Al anon that’s always free.

    • #23570
      chellou
      Participant

      Just found this thread again. Please know you are all amazing strong survivors. My story read like many here…however along time and all my patience later I hope it’s all behind us. Three failed attempts but the final threat from his narcissistic supplier/groomer about me was enough for him to finally believe what’s I’d said all along. So much money lost, time lost but a week in Vegas away from all the noise was enough to break the spell. A threat for him to move out and he realised. Never thought it would end. Four years of hell….still have nightmares and sometimes think he’ll relapse but he genuinely seems to be back to former person. This is now two years on..lockdown also helped us . Sending you all much love avd strength. I woud have kicked him out though and that certainty from me really helped him see his future so dont be scared to be honest…he said it helped him to focus.

    • #23571
      chellou
      Participant

      Replying to @she Just found this thread again. Please know you are all amazing strong survivors. My story read like many here…however along time and all my patience later I hope it’s all behind us. Three failed attempts but the final threat from his narcissistic supplier/groomer about me was enough for him to finally believe what’s I’d said all along. So much money lost, time lost but a week in Vegas away from all the noise was enough to break the spell. A threat for him to move out and he realised. Never thought it would end. Four years of hell….still have nightmares and sometimes think he’ll relapse but he genuinely seems to be back to former person. This is now two years on..lockdown also helped us . Sending you all much love avd strength. I woud have kicked him out though and that certainty from me really helped him see his future so dont be scared to be honest…he said it helped him to focus.

      • #23573
        leedsjlc
        Participant

        I absolutely just took so much strength from your post, I am 2 years in to having a wife who has multiple addictions. We have 2 sets of twins and I have a stressful job and I used denial to try get through the first year, then started to see the writing was on the wall as she continually relapsed.

        This week has been my lowest week ever, I am barely hanging on and have to continually put on a brave face for my children. I have decided that I am going to have to have the hard discussions and ask her to leave and think about divorce etc.

        She lives a comfortable life as I pay all the bills and her money is just wasted on her addiction. I have bailed her out more times than I care to remember, and she has stolen from me and the children on multiple occasions, but I will not be defeated.

        I am going to take your advice and hopefully show her that this could be the end if she doesn’t take the support that has been offered.

        It will kill me to do it, but it’s killing me living how we are.

        Thank you all on here again for your stories and messages of support, seeing people genuinely showing concern and support for others give me faith in the human race.

        Everyone, take care and stay strong.

        • #23574
          chellou
          Participant

          You have that inner strength I can see and you want the best for everyone but need to put you first. I really hope this is the shock to the system that helps you all move on. Like you said you cannot live in this limbo and however painful it is….you need to break the cycle. Thinking of you and you have this group to fully support and understand you. Best wishes

          • #23575
            sal98
            Participant

            Thanks Chellou, it means a lot to hear that your partner is now 2 years clean. I’m really hoping that if mine goes through rehab, it will work this time.

            I really feel for your situation @leeds, I hope it can work out for you. I think you’re right though, she needs to realise how serious the situation is now.

            • #23577
              leedsjlc
              Participant

              Thanks @Sal, it really is the last chance now because I am running the risk of alienating my own family who have shown nothing but support to my wife since finding out her issues but the more she continues to spiral the more they are beginning to push back everytime i call in tears.

              One thing I can say, I haven’t eaten a meal since Wednesday due to the stress I have been under, that knot in my stomach was so tight, but just reading others experiences on here and having support from other members has made me feel so much better, so I am going to sit and eat a meal shortly with my kids and try to enjoy a normal evening.

              Thanks again.

    • #23578
      sal98
      Participant

      It’s amazing the difference getting things off your chest can make.. Even to complete strangers! So enjoy your meal tonight!

      I’m glad to know that you have a supportive family. I know the feeling of thinking that I was pushing away friends by calling in tears all the time.. But I think I may have got it wrong, I’ve had great support in the last 10 days since I’ve left him and even since deciding that I’ll probably go back soon. So it sounds like you will get plenty of support from your family whatever you decide.

    • #23580
      sal98
      Participant

      Sorry posted twice by accident!

    • #23848
      nonibalonie
      Participant

      Xxx

    • #23860
      christinag
      Participant

      I resonate so much with all these threads. I’ve been in a constant boom bust cycle with my partner for over a year now with cocaine addiction. He was doing zoom CA for around 8 weeks but half heartedly so it was inevitable a relapse would take place. I’m now at my ‘rock bottom’ with his behaviour. I have a brother with psychiatric problems who went missing recently and he was completely unsupportive throughout this, actually having a go at me for being upset about it!? I could tell this was because a relapse was about to happen. I ended up at the doctor last week as have been unable to wake up no matter how much sleep I have and have constant tightness in my chest and arms. Doctor told me it’s because your body becomes used to being in a certain state of panic and my subconscious about him relapsing is preying on me. He’s pretty sure blood tests will reveal nothing and has referred me for counselling. I am very fortunate to have access to these things via my work.

      He did use a few days later and twice this week. He never apologises and just directs horrific emotional abuse towards me. I told him he now has to leave and now that he has realised I’m serious about it he has become even more nasty. Apparently he hates me, I have nothing, I am false, I am ugly, I am an oddball, I have no friends. I have flabby arms and stomach, my brother is a mongo (!!), he doesn’t want to be near me, he can’t stand me, I’m controlling etc etc etc. I know I’m none of these things. I’m an attractive, kind and loving person living with an unsupportive, arrogant cocaine addict. Oh and I saw he was using Tinder. And has been talking to another woman on whatsapp. It’s actually all quite helpful because although incredibly painful and sad to think how our life is without cocaine, I’m not willing to accept this as my life. We only have one right? He lives in my house which I own and is being difficult about moving out (not sure why if he dislikes me so much). He has a home in a different city so I’m praying he gives his tenant notice and leaves soon. I have a friend coming to stay in a few weeks. Hopefully this will nudge him into action. I feel sick to the stomach of what I’m going to be dealing with over the next month or so.

      Sending much love and thoughts to everyone who is suffering with an addicted loved one. X

      • #23861
        redfox20
        Participant

        Hi Christinag, I could of written what you wrote myself, I too 6 weeks ago now went doctors for bloods and had brain fog. I too have an ex who is a cocaine addict at this time he was 7 weeks clean and like yourself my body was on high alert waiting for a relapse, we were getting on so well though at the time and our daughter was only 6 weeks old. He too not even a week later relapsed I think our bodies have a clever way of not letting us put our guard down even when we try to it’s naturally on high alert my bloods came back normal. After he’s relapse I ended the relationship and told him I can’t carry on no more, he hasn’t got he’s clothes only gave me £60 for the children and has ignored my last message 2 weeks ago regarding he’s belongings and paying child maintenance. You are definitely doing the right thing by protecting yourself and detaching from him he has said some hurtful things to you, my ex isn’t this way at all he’s very distant cold and doesn’t communicate at all. I hope with your friend coming he realises for your sake has to leave. It is awful being the loved ones as we have no escape, but we do we can escape from them a lead a normal worry free happy life, wishing you all the best! Xx

        • #23863
          christinag
          Participant

          Thanks for your message. I’m so sorry to read that you’re dealing with this together with your six week old daughter. I can’t begin to think how difficult it must be to cope when you have children never mind a newborn.

          I’m sure you are managing much better without the constant stress and anxiety.

          Wishing you a peaceful and happy life xxx

      • #23862
        sal98
        Participant

        I’m really sorry you’re in such a horrible situation.. But on the upside he’s making it very easy for you to tell him to leave.. (I know it’s never easy, but no one could put up with that behaviour). You’re being more than nice not physically locking him out of the house. It’s important to focus on looking after yourself now, I’m sure you will feel great relief when he is gone and you don’t have to worry about him constantly.

        I’m currently waiting for my partner to get a space in rehab and I feel in constant anxiety that he’s going to relapse beforehand. So wishing you lots of strength and support from your friend to get through this horrible period.

        • #23864
          christinag
          Participant

          Thanks for your reply. You’re right, he is making the decision easier. This morning I was lying in bed thinking ‘how have i let my life end up like this?’. I should have put an end to it a while ago but he showed willing with CA so I gave it one more shot but now I’m done as it’s making me ill and I get nothing out of the relationship except stress and upset.

          I hope your partner gets a space soon and it’s great he is willing to go to rehab. Hope you find some peace and contentment amongst the anxiety. Xxx

    • #23884
      bella73
      Participant

      Anyone that has used and now stopped! Can you clear some stuff up for me! What made you stop? I notice everyone saying you get horny on it, if you have sex with someone are feelings involved or is it just a shag? Surely you can stop yourself from having sex it’s your choice! Coke doesn’t make you have sex! Is that right?

    • #24107
      arina
      Participant

      My husband is a cocaine addict.

      He was trying to stop as well, went to the group therapy and to a number of psychiatrists. It didnt help.

      He is not my loving husband any more, when he is high it’s just like a shell of a person. He was breaking his promises almost every week, he was mentally and emotionally abusing me. He was disappearing from time to time for couple of days, forgetting about the family holidays, anniversaries and birthdays. After he will come back and will beg to forgive him, that it was not him, that he loves me more than anything and will do everything for me and he need to get help and he will get help. And in couple of weeks or days he will forget about how bad it was and will start again. And with the time it all gets just worse and worse and he need to take more and more.

      Im not a happy person any more, every day I expect that he will do something stupid. I have a sickening feeling in my stomach and a kind of panic feeling. I’m not enjoying going out with him any more or visiting friends, all the time Im tense. I started to have psychological problems myself. I was hoping that he will stop but I think it will never happen. And now I dont know what to do…I love him, but I cant live like this no more

    • #24108
      markp
      Participant

      Im currently in a situation that i just found out about with my wife of 25 years we have 2 children 24. and 18

      i just found out a few days ago that she is using coke . i accidently drove past her after she just purchased a gram of coke from a dealer . I told her I saw her and at 1st she denied it then

      she confessed to me when i got home

      she told me she has been using for approximately 2 years now. according to her roughly 3 grams a month . however I dont really believe her . unfortunately she doesnt believe she has a problem im not sure if we are gonna make it . I love my wife with all my heart and i always felt she felt the same but right now i dont know if thats enough . she has been distant and less interested and affectionate towrds me the last 2 years i had a feeling something was going on but didnt think she was using again . when we got married she told me she used coke in her past but stopped because it was getting out of hand . so im gonna try to get her to treatment but i can tell its gonna be a struggle. . at this time i just dont know if we are gonna make it

    • #24166
      cali111
      Participant

      I am so sorry for your situation. I have been struggling trying to figure out what happened to my life in the weeks leading up to discovering my husband was using cocaine and what has happened ever since.

      My husband and I were (so I thought) happily together for 3 and a half years. We would always tell each other how lucky we were and planned an entire future together. We had many goals and dreams of moving to Hawaii and starting a family.

      This year he started a new “job”. There were red flags right away as his new “boss” was keeping him out partying until 5,6,7 in the morning. He said he needed to impress the boss and they were “networking”. These nights would randomly happen from time I time over a few months. The problem is he had not been paid over the course of the entire time. It was a sales position but there were no sales made and we hadn’t received any money for 6 months (my husband was at the office working 7 days a week for 12 hours a day trying to get this business going).

      I tried my best to be supportive but this was so frustrating. Fast forward to March and my husband was still doing super sweet things for me like hanging up pictures of us around the house and telling me how much he loved me. A few weeks later in April he didn’t come home for a 3 day period (same time his “boss” got back to town) His phone was off and he was angry with me all of a sudden. Nothing like this has ever happened before. He blamed our sex life and said he didn’t know if he could do this anymore. A couple more weeks of him randomly coming home or not and really unusual behaviors like major mood swings, anger at me, random bursts of energy, sadness. And I found a text on our computer that said “the next time you do coke im punching you in the face” from one of his friends. It all made sense. I got him to admit he’s been using for 5 months although the said “only a couple times” which I think is a complete lie as I’m 99% sure he was on it when I found out. I’ve caught him in many lies since. I did not see this coming. Since then he’s said he cannot commit to coming home anymore. He’s said he “doesn’t see this working out” and it was “gradual” and “I don’t think it’s gunna happen” for our marriage

      To me the problems only began when he started using the drug (working long hours, small personality changes like big ego and all around meaner attitude) I’m having such a hard time trying to understand if this is him speaking this or it’s because he knows he can’t live this drug life with me. He’s pushed me away completely and I’m the only one here that loves him that sees the problem. Ive told his family in hopes they would help but they think when they talk to him “he seems fine”. The real him would never act this way or say these things. He says “we’ve never had chemistry” which is such a lie and so hurtful. He worshiped me before. Loved me so much before all this happened. Not to mention our entire savings account has been drained in the process and he has no answer to where the money went. I’m at a loss.

      I understand that this all happened but when I speak to him on the phone he sounds normal so I have a hard time figuring out if this is the real him or not. I know probably not but it’s hard when you don’t have answers.

      He seems completely delusional and oblivious to everything that is happening but has a new job and seems to be functioning normally otherwise. When he found out I had been prescribed anxiety medication he asked “is it because your homesick?” What?? Does he not realize that he just completely left me out of no where with no answers and all of our money is gone? Ugh.

      I feel like I’m now addicted to reading stories on this forum in search of answers since he doesn’t provide me with any.

      • #24176
        christinag
        Participant

        Hi Cali

        So sorry to read your post. I too have been in your shoes and resonate with everything you say. The reply from Ash is spot on – unfortunately until he is willing to do something about the problem and get help to stop, nothing will change and will only get worse. Ash’s comment about him pushing you away to justify his behaviour also rings true and also having the ability to ‘function’ – even though they’re not really functioning because all relationships around them will eventually break down (apart from the one with the dealer).

        I made the hard decision to end my relationship a few weeks due to his ongoing cocaine use. We too were (still are) very much in love and had so many wonderful times together. But the flipside was too much to take – all very similar to what you describe – toxic emotional abuse, where they even find the nasty remarks, I will never know. He would dip his toe into CA but not commit fully – just doing bits he wanted to. My partner refused to leave when I said to him I no longer wanted us to live together (even though it’s my property which I own and had said to him it didn’t have to be immediately – say 4-6 weeks) and the final straw came when I asked again when he would be moving out and he backed me into a corner several times, threatening me with violence. I had to leave my house. The next day I changed the locks, put his belongings in the shed and told him what I’d done. That wasn’t an easy decision but for me but it was my only option for my own safety and sanity. He is now back in our home city and incredibly remorseful but not committing to a path of recovery. I wish for him to have the happy life he deserves but also for me to have that too.

        Hopefully by reading posts on here it will help a little to not take his words and behaviour towards you personally, hard as that is. The drug/addiction turns them into this dreadful jekyll and hyde character.

        Sending love and peaceful thoughts x

        If he won’t get help or isn’t willing

        • #24182
          cali111
          Participant

          Thank you so much for your reply. It’s so reassuring to know others can see my perspective and understand. The amount of times I’ve had to think “I’m not crazy am I?” Because this has all just been so insane and irrational. I relate so much to the comments Ash made. Ugh. So sad. I just pray for his own health and life he can somehow pull out of this one day. So scary to think some can’t. Just learnt of an old friend from back homes overdose today. Mentioned it to my husband. He is just so monotone about everything right now. Hope you’re doing okay and glad you were able to pull yourself out and into a safe space xo

    • #24171
      ash2013
      Participant

      Hi Cali,

      I didn’t want to read and run. I hope you are ok. I have been in your shoes, so everything you say resonates. And everything he is doing also does. My husband is 18 months clean of Coke, after years and years of living on a rollercoaster.

      It is not that he doesn’t want you, the pull of the coke is strong, and if he knows you wont let him do it, he’ll say things to you to create distance to justify it to himself and to allow him to do what he pleases.

      I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but unless he wants to stop, he wont have a cats in hells chance of doing so. Cocaine is a sly, manipulative drug that pulls you in slowly, then takes over your life.

      My advice to you, and hard as it is, if you have no kids together, move on and let him go. Your happiness is important and right now, you are existing not living.

      Coke does allow you to function, its not like heroin or alcohol, a lot of the time most people cannot tell when someone is on it. But it turns people into monsters, and if they could see themselves like they are, when they are clean, they would be mortified.

      Sending hugs x

      • #24181
        cali111
        Participant

        Thanks so much for your reply. It really does seem like he’s just run away from having to answer anyone. We’ve always got along perfectly but the second I ask about the unusual behavior and find out about the coke he’s literally gone and won’t come home anymore. It’s unbelievable. I’m worried he’ll never come back to reality. Crazy how they can fool everyone around them too. Definitely a whole different picture being in a relationship with an addict. He was so anti drugs I did not see this coming in a million years. So sad.

        • #24183
          ash2013
          Participant

          Hi Cali,

          Thats what happens when someone turns to Coke, they run away from responsibility, cocaine is their friend, and anyone who tries to stop them is distanced as they think they are trying to stop them using it.

          My husband used to be awful to me, mental torture. Accusations to deflect from his own screw ups. I hated life and just wanted to get off of the rollercoaster. We have a child together, and I was doing everything on my own, he would just use the house to wallow around in when he was coming down. I lived for the very small glimmers of normality that I occasionally had. I have PTSD now, which is down to the life I used to have with him when he was using.

          Fast forward 18 months and I’ve had the best 18 months ever, he is back, he is motivated, he is fun, he looks healthy.

          But….. and its a big but. If we had not had a child, and if I knew 15 years ago what I know now about what would happen in those years, I would have run a mile.

          You simply have to put yourself first, and your feelings are the most important thing. You get one life and it should be lived, not existed.

          Christina is right, they turn into Jekyll and Hyde, and you dont know from one day to the next which you’ll get.

          Be happy and do what is best for YOU, not for him. You are dealing with a different person to the one you fell in love with.

          x

    • #24174
      sal98
      Participant

      Hi Cali,

      I really relate to your story, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years.. Like you I always felt like he worshiped me and we had so many amazing future plans together. In January this year, I realised the full extent of his coke use, at this point we were no longer the loving couple we always had been, we were strangers living in the one house.

      The only difference is that he realised then that he had a problem and went to AA and CA to get help. It was only after numerous attempts to stop and realise that he couldn’t I learned just how toxic coke addiction is. It turned this lovely honest man into a lying and manipulate monster. He recognises this, hates himself and still can’t stop. It’s came to rock bottom breaking point a few times at this stage but he’s been clean now about a month while he’s waiting on a place in rehab. He realises that if he doesn’t give it his all this time that he’s going to be homeless or in prison.

      This has easily been the worst 7 months of my life.. It’s crazy to think that someone you know and love so well can now keep lying and hurting you. But Coke has this crazy evil power, it literally takes over their brain and they no longer can think for themselves.. It hurt so much that he knowingly gambled our relationship and future plans for a drug that he supposedly didn’t even enjoy anymore.

      But after a lot of hard discussions and professional help for both me and him, I think we might come out the other side. He is due to get a place in a 12 week rehab next week and now I see he’s really trying to fight the demon. Although I’m trying to be careful not to be too optimistic as I know it can all come tumbling down again.

      You really need to sit down and have a very frank discussion with your husband.. And as Ash said, if he doesn’t realise that he has a problem, he hasn’t got a hope and he will continue to hurt you even more. You need to look after yourself first and foremost. I’ve been seeing a family addiction counsellor, it’s helped me far more than I ever thought it would.

      The one thing I say is at this point, don’t believe a word he says right now, the addiction forces them into being professional liars. I bought some drug tests from Amazon, otherwise I would have a clue that he was still using coke the most of the time. I’m still drug testing him every few days. Trust has gone out the window long ago.

      • #24180
        cali111
        Participant

        Thank you for your reply, it really means a lot. How long did it take him to admit to you there was a problem? I’ve known about the coke for about 3 months now and that means he’s been using for about 8 months now. It’s just unreal. He’s been out of the house for probably about 2.5 months now. He won’t admit he’s doing it at all. In the same breath he admitted to using it he said he’d already stopped. He just stays on friends couches now. Nothing makes sense. He is just a shell. I’m scared he will never admit there is a problem because he is the type to never ask for help. So hard not having the answers you deserve.

        • #24216
          sal98
          Participant

          Hi Cali,

          I’m glad to hear that he’s out of the house for 2.5 months so you’re not always confronting the mental abuse at home.

          My boyfriend has probably always been an alcoholic, it’s rife in his family. Addicted to cannabis aswell. Other than that since I met him, I’ve know he’s been a recreational party drug user.. I loved that at the start, we were the party couple. He seemed to still function really well then. But he began taking coke daily at work on his building site (apparently this is common on every building site!!), and that’s when he stopped being a functional addict.

          He hid it so well, I thought it was the drink that was causing all of his problems. When I said in January that I was going to leave over his drinking, he confessed about how much coke he’d been taking, he knew how serious it was then and wanted to stop. But even with the will to stop, he couldn’t maintain it and just got more addicted and better at lying the last few months.

          I don’t want to jinx it, but he’s been very committed the last month and is dying to get into rehab. He knows he can’t handle any substances when he’s out. I don’t know what’s different this time, maybe it was his mother finding out and seeing her fear and disappointment and I left for a while. He seems to have some understanding now of how much he’s let down his family, friends and people he worked for. Then we went to my parents house in the countryside for 2 weeks to give him a head start away from all his dealers. He learned a few lessons here about how low he would go to get substances, he stole money from my bag to buy drink and lied to his friend so he could send him money. That was a big wake up call for him.

          But everyone has their own rock bottom, unfortunately we can’t do anything to force them into finding it or seeing the need to change. I hate how powerless we are in this situation! Maybe when your husbands friends get sick of him wasting around their houses and throw him out, maybe then he’ll get some idea of how much he hurt you and others, and what a mess he’s made of his life. I hope you’re doing better now x

    • #24198
      bossqueen1
      Participant

      Sound like my story but not with my guy cheating he’s just snorting Herion Fentanyl Cocaine

    • #24199
      bossqueen1
      Participant

      typos* sound like my story but my guy is snorting Herion Fentanyl Cocaine, lying Stealing out of store mean to me rather get high with his bum ass friends

    • #24298
      faithnotfear
      Participant

      Hi Everyone,

      I struggle to come on here at the moment because facing up to my own position is still just too painful, even though we’re 157 days clean (woo-hoo….157 days since the last time my husband put drugs in front of his family and somehow I’m meant to celebrate!).

      I can only echo what others have said… they will lie, cheat and do whatever they can to pretend to themselves they’re not doing anything wrong. I appreciate addiction may sneak up on them but in my mind and for all the conversations my husband and i jabe

    • #24299
      faithnotfear
      Participant

      …ooops … sausage fingers!!! Was saying it all starts with a choice and they have to work damned hard to get to the point where they have given their choices away.

      The truth is that once they’ve gone down this road there’s not much turning back, even for those who want to stay clean. It’s a chronic and relapsing disease.

      Now, almost six months since my husband got caught and joined CA im still stuck wondering if today will be the day, what if i say the wrong thing, etc etc.

      My mental health is in tatters. I’m severely depressed and anxious, plus i have developed severe complex ptsd.

      I’m sorry for the dismal reply but the reality is that us partners have been put in the most horrific position and i don’t believe there are many fairytale endings. If it wasn’t for our kids I’d be long gone. I don’t want a life with this awful stuff hanging over me every second.

      My husband concealed what he was doing for 2.5 years. I thought he was an alcoholic. He has used all around me and our kids. He terrorised me for 18 months as the problem spiralled.

      Don’t get me wrong…im proud of what he’s doing etc etc… but he shouldn’t need a pat on the back for not being a totally vile person. He could have sought help long before he got caught and expected me to help him dig himself out of this hole he put himself in.

      So… the dreary takeaway from this is… we the sane ones need to look after ourselves very deeply and carefully. There is a long and difficult road ahead of us and frankly, if there is any possible alternative to this painful road then we should never feel guilty for putting ourselves and our children first.

      Sorry for the miserable tone here.

    • #24363
      stacywood03
      Participant

      i am happy to come out here to talk about Dr Charles how he helped me with my marriage scandal, it wasn’t easy for me when my husband left me, i was pregnant at that time life was very had for me i cried my eyes out, i couldn’t even tell my family about it, when i met Dr Charles i only told my best friend about it and she was really encouraging and supportive to me, Dr Charlse casted a love spell for me and everything started to turn around for good, he can helped you my dear just reach him out i am sure he can help.

    • #24438
      sara2889
      Participant

      I have a question for any of you dealing with coke issue!

      Do people use that right before bed time? Or even in the middle of the night?! Isn’t it supposed to hype them up ?

      My husband has been acting suspicious, i caught him few times in the middle of the night rubbing something on his gums which he quickly stopped that makes me doubt if I actually saw it correctly or not!!!

      I brought it up and he says he’s been using time to time!!! ! Which I know it’s the biggest lie to tell yourself and others! I’m pretty sure it’s the early stages of a bad nightmare!!!!! We’ve been together over 12 years only 2 years married, no kids , I love him so much but I’m going crazy I don’t know what to do or say, I can’t even tell anyone….

      He’s smoking weed but that wasn’t an issue, coke is outta my league

      • #24439
        christinag
        Participant

        Hi Sarah

        Yes they can do. In my experience, the effect of cocaine on my partner was not what it would be for a recreational user. He would take a gram, by himself using it all within a couple of hours, then drink copious amounts of alcohol to try and ‘bring him down’, then eat huge amounts of take away food and then pass out and sleep. For a ‘regular’ person cocaine would keep them awake for hours and you’d have little to no appetite. The addicts tolerance is different. Hope for your sake it’s not cocaine he’s using. X

    • #24494
      depressed63
      Participant

      As the previous person, i have been married for over 30 years and my husband was loving, giving attentative, etc., everything u wanted in a husband. Within the last 5 years, I wondered why hus behavior changed so drastically. I have prayed everyday and asked why am i being subjected to.all of this rage, hostility, hate, and being accused of all the things I have not done. My husband has accused me of taking clothes, shoes, jewelry, etc and selling them. He is paranoid, jumpy hullicinating about things that r not happening in our lives. Cocaine addiction has literally destroyed my life. I am physically, mentally and emotionally drained. I love him but right now he hates me because he thinks I have stolen things dro. him and rhatbis not rhe case. I am on my last leg and I am just lost right now. I can not stop praying because right now, prayer is the only thing keeping me sane. Take it from me, this addiction will tear ir life apart.

    • #24681
      peanut13
      Participant

      I’ve stumbled upon this forum and spent the last 2 days reading through the posts, it’s shocking and sad to see so many going through a similar situation.

      My situation is that I recently discovered the extent of my partners issues. I thought he had a handle on them as his previous disappearing acts had calmed down (instead of once a week he’d have a late night out maybe once every 6 weeks), he rarely went out after work for a couple hours and I believed he wasn’t associating with people he knew to be really into cocaine. All the signs that things were improving were there, he even used to get so mad at me if I made a reference to his drug taking, along the lines of ‘I’m trying so hard and yet you still think I’m a cokehead’ being really defensive and frustrated at me for thinking less of him when he’s saying he hasn’t touched the stuff in a long time.

      This weekend he did a disappearing act after work, only for a few hours but earlier in the day I’d found a wrap in the tumble dryer which had obviously been in his pocket. I made a reference in a text about him taking drugs but not telling him what I’d found and he again hit me with ‘you and your drug allegations well done when you said you wouldn’t do this.’ something told me to look through his phone, something I never do and I saw a message to his dealer whilst at work asking for 3 grams to be delivered to him, on a midweek lunchtime. This was done by bank transfer and so I looked at his online banking and found huge sums of money being transferred every few days with 9 grams being paid for in the space of 4 days.

      I had all good intentions to bring it to him in a compassionate way to work through it, but anger got the better of me and we had a huge argument. He punched the TV, was aggressive towards me and behaved vile. I was awful with my words calling him all the names under the sun and told him to pack his stuff and go.

      We haven’t spoken in 3 days and likely won’t for a while. But I’m actually 7 months pregnant with our second child and so conflicted.

      His personality is to shut down, lash out, block everyone and hide away whilst blaming everyone else for his problems and I’m currently enemy number 1. I don’t know whether to reach out to him knowing he’s angry and will not accept anything from me, or leave him to it as he has to accept and face his problems and I feel as though I need to prioritise myself and son (because he’s certainly not given us a second thought or concern right now). I also feel that I should be there for him.. I’ve told his family all I know and let them take over dealing with him because I just don’t have it in me right now to try but I wish I’d handled the situation differently so that I could have been supportive.. It’s so hard.

      • #24682
        sal98
        Participant

        I really feel for your situation, especially as you are 7 months pregnant, I can only imagine how difficult that is for you! It’s horrible for any of us trying to deal with our anger and still have this feeling that we need to help. But the worst part is that really we’re powerless to someone else’s addiction, especially if they won’t admit there’s a problem. Its crazy now that it’s become normal for people to take coke at work, that’s what really destroyed my boyfriend. He’s in rehab now and looks like he’s doing good, but I’m terrified that he won’t be able to stick to sober living after he gets out. I think you made a wise decision to let his family take over dealing with him for now. I really hope he realises what he’s doing soon x

    • #24818
      jorad86
      Participant

      Hi, I’ve been reading this forum for a few years now. Here’s my story…

      I met my husband when I was 17 and we was together for 18 years and we have 4 children together.

      I have always been anti drugs so it didn’t even cross my mind that my husband was an addict.

      Like many of you I sat at home waiting for him to return from his 4-5 day benders.

      I didn’t think it was drugs because he never needed money and it wasn’t affecting us financially!

      We owned a nice home, a nice car, our own caravan… I thought we had everything we could ever want in life.

      This man was my whole world… That’s how good he was at manipulating!

      Now this is how it is now…

      He cheated on me 5 times and he advertised himself on a site called fabswingers. He joined numerous dating sites and manipulated women into sending him money!

      He’d have a couple on the go at once!

      He had been a regular cocaine user for years… I was blind to it! I was naive! I was stupid!

      I couldn’t see any bad in this man because I loved him and I was codependent!

      He is now using crack!

      He shows no interest in our children.. he lost his job! We lost our home! He has debts amounting to more than 20 grand! Drug dealers are on the hunt for him!

      He is a stranger! He is nasty and selfish and nothing I say to him is heard!

      He now lives in a rotten caravan!

      Drugs have completely taken over and it’s destroyed my life too… I was always confident and outgoing! Now I am on anti depressants and beta blockers!

      He knows what he has become and he makes no effort to help himself!

      For years I have tried to help him but it has taken over my life completely!

      It’s been a month now since I last had contact with him!

      I have started counselling to break my need for him.

      I really hope for anyone in my situation to seek help for themselves and not focus on the addict.

    • #24832
      faithnotfear
      Participant

      Yes! Only the addict can sort themselves out, we’re just the cannon fodder that gets hurt in their path.

      We need to focus on ourselves and not make them the focus. My husband is 208 days clean now after 2.5 years of putting drugs before me and our family (assuming anything he says is true!) and the longer the clean time goes the less i feel like congratulating him… why should he get a pat on the head for not carrying on acting like a crazed psychopath!? Me and our kids deserve the medal for surviving these years but we’re all still suffering the consequences.

      I have after almost 7 months of pondering realised it’s the behaviour NOT the drugs. Him taking cocaine was just a small part of the problems. As I’ve told him recently … you’ve been suffering from chronic selfishness all your life! That’s how he told himself it would be fine to casually destroy our lives, when he knew full well that taking class a drugs around the kids was completely inappropriate. He worked very hard to get to the point of losing control of his drug habit.

      Like you jorad, we have 4 kids, nice house, lovely life and everything going for us but he chucked all that under the bus quite deliberately.

      We’re still together and soldiering on, but the stress of his behaviour and the shock of it all has made me very, very mentally hurt. I’m not myself any more and i hate that person who allowed him to get away with it for so long. I had no clue and i feel so stupid and angry with myself. Yes, obviously not my fault but you lokk back and think if only this, if only I’d done that.

      Unfortunately, you can’t go back and we just have to deal with our side of the fallout.

      On we go…

    • #24837
      chellou
      Participant

      So its been 18mths or over since my hubby stopped coke and weed. So proud. He’s come back into family life, paid debts etc but now I feel a huge void where I used to just feel love! Anyone else feel that? The trust went and the fact he believed his narcissistic dealer over me for several years has left me empty. I love him, care for him and am proud he’s knocked on head. He’s more respectful, but has put me as his saviour. I can’t say I’m in love as I had a parallel life whilst he was using and I’m now seeing I may be happier without? He’s drinking like a fish most days to make up for other stuff. He’s not emotionally available and sex is gar less frequent now he’s off coke. How have you all found the aftermath? It’s not the happy ever after I hoped for tbh!

      • #24838
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        It’s too early to say for me, as it’s only been a few months, but it’s not the same by any means yet. Every minute of every day im fighting the urge not to break down and scream with how much I’m hurting, then looking at him knowing he caused it. Definitely a long road to forgiveness!

        I find I’m triggered a lot when I look at his nose and hands. It’s very offputting.

        Hopefully I’ll feel differently one day…

        • #24839
          chellou
          Participant

          Thanks ????

          It’s the anger at his behaviour too. He’s put me in a pedestal for standing by…wish I had strength to leave earlier.. although I knew deep down he’d want to quit rather than lose us. It’s his weakness but we all pay price. He’s low drinking his sorrows. He’s had counselling and his stress is family so that can’t be removed sadly

          • #24840
            faithnotfear
            Participant

            I totally feel you… i personally don’t want to be some kind of poster girl for surviving my husband’s horrible behaviour, yet i don’t want to throw away our potential. I hate this place we’re in… full of hurt, anger and fear of the future, yet chucking everything away if he can be a good husband and father seems like throwing the baby out with the bath water!!! We are where we are..

            I’m worried your husband has swapped alcohol in now as his crutch. Has he done the 12 steps? My husband has gone through them and it has completely opened his eyes to how horribly he’s treated most people his whole life. That’s his disease… chronic self-centredness. He’s a changed man at the moment, hopefully will stay that way, for the kids sake at least. He finds work stressful and took it out on us, then turned to drugs. Now he seems to appreciate how lucky he is.

            But yes… i am really angry, hurt and disappointed. The magic has definitely gone… i hope it returns..

            • #24846
              chellou
              Participant

              Thanks, so good to know I’m not alone or crazy. I stopped drinking last year so I can see all too clearly what I want from life…my zest has returned. He’s trying to resist booze..not tried 22 steps …he’s defensive if I bring up the amount as he’s stopped all other stuff so feels angelic! I just find I’m talking to another person online more about it, who is supportive, flirty but respectful. He’s actually famous ???? which is complicating my heart and thoughts. Im not going anywhere but feel so alive when I’m talking to him .I know its just attention, grass greener and I should plough this time back to hubby…he’s fucked me off and hurt me. I hope I can forgive..I don’t mention it and have tried to forget all the crap but it’s still lurking. Will be two years soon and I want to start living again without anger, fear with a fill heart and happy future. Sorry…huge rant!

    • #24841
      markp
      Participant

      I discovered my wife has been doing and buying coke for past 2 years with out me knowing it. When I caught her she also admitted to a pill addiction of at least 8 years. she has know remorse in quitting the coke and she is still continuing to use it but supposedly only with me but I dont approve but am afraid to leave her over it . don’t know what to do any suggestions

      • #24842
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        Oh gosh… sadly there is not a lot you can do if she’s not interested in changing, it has to come from the person with the substance disorder.

        I hope you’re okay, when i found out i was in a terrible state. It’s a horrible feeling being lied to for so long.

        We have to look after ourselves in these circumstances.

      • #24844
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        sorry… maybe that sounded unhelpful… if you’ve gone over the health risks and how it’s making you feel and she doesn’t seem to care then you may need to issue an ultimatum and be prepared to stick to it.

        For me if he touches that crap again we’re through. No question about it.

        My kids welfare trumps anything and everything else.

    • #24843
      jorad86
      Participant

      I’m not sure any of us know what to do. I left him and I still think I can somehow save him.. I feel guilt, anger and love for a person I no longer know. I wouldn’t wish this life on anyone.

      • #24845
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        me neither, i absolutely hate it ????

    • #24847
      sal98
      Participant

      I’ve read through all the posts today and it’s crazy how many similarities there is between all of our situations. My boyfriend is half way through a 12 week rehab.. But at times I’m wondering if I should be feeling guilty about how much I’m enjoying him being away! It’s such a relief to not have to worry what I’m coming home to. He seems to be doing really well in the programme and realising a lot about himself while he’s away but I’m trying not to be too optimistic as I know the struggle only really starts when he gets home. I’m actually dreading how it’s going to be when he gets out. Like some of you have said, it’s hard to be this supposed saving angel and be positive and supportive when I’m still getting flashbacks of all the lies and hurt he’s caused me. But I’m trying to have some faith in the programme and I think I will go back to my family addiction counsellor when he gets out… I suppose it’s a wait and see kinda thing. But I’m glad that I’m not the only one uncomfortable with this Saint title when they’re meant to be doing well.

      I know I’m not in too much of a position to give advise yet but I think @chellou it could be a good idea to confront your husband about drinking and suggest the 12 steps, because if he’s just replacing coke with alcohol, it may only be a matter of time until he’s back on coke again, either way it still sounds like addiction is still having a really negative effect on your relationship.

      • #24849
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        For me it all depends on how he behaves… if he can remain a reformed character for at least as long as he was on the drugs (1000 days) then i can see that my trust might go from minus 200 million to around 3%. However, at this point i don’t have much faith, and have warned him so.

        The way i see it… if i kick him out there is zero chance of getting where we were supposed to be. If he stays there’s a slim chance and so I’ll take it. For the kids too. I know how much they’ll hurt if he goes. Plus i want my dreams back.

        I’m a total mess anyway at the moment and am more reliant on him than I’ve ever been on anyone. I’ve got really severe ptsd and my memory is completely wrecked, plus barely sleeping and every day is constant flashbacks and horrible intrusive thoughts. It’s all i can do to hold it together for my kids. It’s actually doing him a world of good to be forced to step up to the plate instead of me carrying everything and everyone, as i have done forcall these years.

        That said … i sometimes think it would be a lot easier to just draw a line, kick him out and stamp the whole marriage as a load of rubbish. It’s the staying and living with it that rips me apart. But… my dreams and our plans.. and the kids feelings.

        I have to hang on and see if things improve.

        Chellou… if you’re dead set that things are over and you can move on, then all power to you!!! But I’d say be careful that you’re really certain. The grass always does seem greener x

        • #24851
          chellou
          Participant

          I feel for all of us left to pick up pieces once they are changing. We are caring for all without proper support as can’t tell people what really happened. Just caretaker for him, kids etc. I do love him, it would destroy the family so no I’m not certain. Would be easier if I felt certain. If I could just accept he’s tried this hard , but I have a huge void inside and although I am trying to be content

          I’m not happy. I’m being here for future, kids and out of respect for him as he was and is trying to return to. Parallel lives occur when we are left to own paths…that’s really where my heart lies but can’t see how to get there without devastation….which would make me the bad guy…how ironic!

          • #24852
            faithnotfear
            Participant

            Absolutely ???? ????

            Nobody other than me and my husband know how bad things really have been, and id be ashamed if they did. I haven’t even worked up the courage to even tell my counsellor yet. I feel stupid for not leaving before. But now he’s changed it does feel exactly as you say … we’re the bad ones. However.. I’ve warned my husband if i still feel this shit in another year or so, I’m going. Our kids will be fully teenagers by then and they’ll cope. As I’ve told him numerous times now HE made the decision to throw everything away already, when he decided to start taking the drugs. He knew then it was wrong and he made his choice. It’s not my doing, it’s 100% on him. Frankly, id never have even given him the time of day if i knew he’d do such dreadful things as he has. I pity my kids that i inflicted this father on them. And i hate him for letting them down.

            I don’t even know if he might fall off the wagon by then .. which is another thing that probably stops us having full feelings for them.

            Self-preservation.

            I do love him still, and i hate him too. It’s like literally being ripped in teo.

            • #24853
              chellou
              Participant

              So true….ripped apart is exactly right! Heartbroken but I know we can’t get back what we had. Something new is plan but he has to learn self love he’s watching me but its his journey. Thinking of you x

              • #24854
                faithnotfear
                Participant

                yes, we’re all on our own journeys and it’s a comfort to know that we are not quite as alone as we feel.

                take care of yourself chellou and remember you owe yourself and your kids more than you owe him x ????

              • #24856
                chellou
                Participant

                Thanks so much and I hope you can find the strength to do what is right for you also. Thank goodness I found this page, without judgements, just care support and understanding for our similar yet devastating cases.

    • #25233
      jj1986
      Participant

      Hello I’m in the same situation been with my partner ten years and he has a drug and alcohol problem I worry when it’s time for him to come home and it’s scary because never know he is. He sometimes disappears for days I end up having to look after him – I do everything for him but when on drugs I’m a no body and he messages other people practically begging by calling and calling he says it’s not him it’s two different people but who chooses to take the drugs? Tried getting him help so many times and now I feel if I don’t start again soon there’s no point I love him so much but how can I have kids with someone who’s addicted to drugs? 🙁 I can’t.

      • #25234
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        My advixe here is harsh:

        Run, run, run. Don’t stop. Don’t look back. Be clear… tell him you are leaving because this life is not a life worth living. You can’t make him get help. The more you try to help him, the less capable he becomes of helping himself.

        If you leave and he gets better you can revisit the relationship.

        Your heart is breaking over and over while you are stuck there being hurt over and over. He is using you and unfortunately you are enabling him by saving him from himself.

        It’s a horrific and devastating feeling but when in active addiction their brains are not functioning like yours or mine. The drugs are all they see or hear.

        It’s an illness sure enough but recovery is a choice, one only the addict can make.

        If your partner is willing, get them in to ca/na/aa. They are a friendly and welcoming bunch.

        CA saved our family. But only because my husband was willing and put in the work. They are amazing.

        Good luck and please get support because this life is incredibly difficult.

        x

    • #25492
      tooashamedtoosay
      Participant

      From my own personal point of view as someone who is still an addict and struggling like nothing on earth with it is…. I bet this guy loves you like you will never imagine, everything you have said reminds me of well ME…. its so hard too understand, when your on it there’s no point trying too talk, you need too just let him be… without being big-headed, I’m the most outgoing chatty people person ever, every1 is my best friend, when I’m on it all I want is too be on my own and no1 too talk too me, the flirting bit is probs self esteem, he wants someone too give him a tad of attention thou I do believe he wouldn’t cheat (even thou I don’t know him) i haven’t but get accused all the time, all I want personally is too stop it but I’ve not found a way yet, I really hope you stand by him and give him all the support he needs, he can’t do it alone, even if yous have no future… he is your best friend, struggling too talk about it and needs you more than you’ll ever ever ever know.

    • #25496
      tooashamedtoosay
      Participant

      Just realised how old these messages are…. madness, I hope your all well and every1 is on the road too recovery.

      • #25502
        lindyloo
        Participant

        Hi too ashamed, welcome to the forum, thank you for sharing your story.

        I agree that no matter how difficult times get, you still need to let your loved one know that you love them and care about them. It’s the addiction and the damage it causes we all hate.

        My son is currently in early recovery and doing ok atm.

        Have you thought about seeking support yourself to get free of this evil drug that destroys lives?

        I understand that every day is a battle but do you not think it’s worth it?

        Read Danman83 posts here, he is a person in recovery and offers advice and support. The CA and AA fellowship guys are a wonderful support too.

        There’s help out there my friend if you seek it and want it.

        Take care

        Lx

    • #25701
      she
      Participant

      Guys I’ve been reading through all these messages and we a have similar stories and insights.

      Well my hubby has been clean 3 months and he did it after an ultimatum. He’s had several so God knows how this one has sunk in personally I think he’s had a scare maybe too much whilst out something happened. But … I’m waiting for the fall . I’m on pins if he’s late thinking he’s using. He hasn’t he’s been genuinely working late . Only know tonight no answer in his phone and I don’t know where he is . I’ve automatically gone into he’s using mode .. arrrggghhh will we ever get piece of mind

      • #25705
        sal98
        Participant

        I can relate to what you’re saying so much.. My boyfriend just came out of a 3 month rehab just over 2 weeks ago.. We had the most amazing 2 weeks, I really felt like I had him back! Then over the weekend, I started getting that uneasy feeling when he went to the shop etc longer than he should have been, I suspected he drank on Saturday but convinced myself I was paranoid, then again when I came home from work on Sunday. I breathalysed him on Sunday and sure enough he’d been drinking. Drug test came back clear. To say I’m heartbroken is an understatement. I just feel so let down and betrayed, after all the hope I had that he really meant it this time and he wouldn’t start lying to me like before. Now I’m in turmoil, is this the last straw? Is this the time I actually walk? I really don’t want to, I cannot imagine my future without him.. But am I setting myself up for a life of lies and paranoia if I stay?

        I know he’s really cut up about falling off the wagon and letting me down again.. He seems to be trying to do the right thing, talking to people in recovery and organising a sponsor for himself since the weekend.. So I feel like I should give him another chance.. But at the same time I’m wondering am I just being a walk over if I do? I hate this.. ????

        I hope that you find your husband is doing something innocent xx

    • #25702
      tooashamedtoosay
      Participant

      I really hope he is just working and phone is on silent, wish I could say something too make it easier but please just try have a little faith in him, for your own sanity, get the chin up and held high

    • #25709
      she
      Participant

      he was i the pub and came in a bit drunk. he does still drink and as much as i don’t like that i find it more acceptable than drugs. I know that’s not right but hey ho. Any way the fact he was a bit drunk is an indication he isn’t using . My hubby never got drunk using he was always to high to finish the drinks he had.

      I have been reading over what i write in my phone and how i’ve got through the last few years is beyond me. I write in a secret word doc on my phone what has happened and how its affected us all. Making of a book for amazon lol

    • #25710
      sal98
      Participant

      That’s good that he wasn’t up to anything he shouldn’t be! That’s a great idea to keep it on your phone, I found writing very helpful when times were at their toughest, but I ended up burning it. I probably sound dramatic having this reaction to a few drinks. But my boyfriend is as much an alcoholic as coke addict, probably a lot more. Its the deceit and lying directly to my face that I can’t accept anymore.. He had been completely sober for over 3 months and was so proud of his 3 months badge.. I don’t get how he can throw away his sobriety and our relationship for a few sneaky drinks! Especially when he’s got so much support from rehab, ca, his friends and family, he knows what he should do when he’s struggling, just why did he go back to his old tricks? He knows that if he hadn’t of been caught, it would only be a matter of time until he was back taking coke.

      He’s telling me that he let a lot of his new routine go, eg morning meditation, missed a meeting because we were travelling and things started to slip, he said that he needs to start with a sponsor again to do the steps. It all sounds fairly reasonable to me, but this last year has taken it’s toll on me and I don’t know if I’m still being manipulated? Has anyone been in this situation and their partner managed to turn it around? He said that he’s struggling with the first step acceptance.

      • #25712
        chellou
        Participant

        Hi

        I’m now 2 odd years on. I started therapy last month. So, so much has come out. She couldn’t believe how much I’d swallowed down…for so long and completely swept my needs away to care for him and family. I recommend therapy after the trauma, essential to move on and stop resentment building. He started therapy again to deal with emotional aspects. His drinking has slowed down. No longer addicted to weed or coke. Isn’t using porn. Is not manipulating or lying.

        However…I’m now trying to be more authentic and have made it clear we’re on parallel therapy journeys. Won’t stop mine till its all out. I feel empowered and happier. Exhausting rehashing certain sticking points with him but vital to move forwards. We’re not who we’ we were…futures aren’t defined clearly. Living in present which has unsettled him but freed me. Good luck and if you feel lighter in your head and heart you’re doing great x

        • #25715
          sal98
          Participant

          Thanks Chellou, that’s encouraging. I know therapy will help me, I’ve been considering getting into contact with my family therapist all day, I don’t know why, I just can’t bring myself to do it. Today, I just feel hopeless, I can’t even bring myself to leave the house. I’m trying to think about things objectively, trying to balance the hurt that I’m feeling and I suppose the evil of addiction. I feel like the lovely bubble that I was in for 2 weeks was just me kidding myself that everything was better now.. But I think I have to look at addiction as an illness that isn’t magically cured in rehab.. He can pin point all the things that he did wrong over the last few days that led him to drinking, he’s saying that he’s going to go to a meeting, meet a new sponsor tonight and stick to the structure they thought him in rehab. So I’ve decided now that when he comes home from work, I’m going to tell him that I’ll give him this chance, but probably insist on him going to meetings 7 days a week for the next while. I still feel like shit though, if I don’t feel any better in a few days, I’m going to seek out therapy.

    • #25714
      she
      Participant

      We have had a row recently he’d had a drink he said why don’t you give something up that you like like going to the gym . I said sure ill give something up . But lets just look back at i gave up smoking, drinking and eating shite to be better. so now lets see what you are doing and oh yea your giving up on you now fuckoff. lol he shut up ive had more balls in the last year before i would of back down and and said ok ill stop going but hell no am i doing that now. writing it down has helped massively plus being on here and finding out im not crackers

      • #25716
        sal98
        Participant

        Haha… Love it! It’s good to hear you’ve got your balls back lol! And we’re not all crackers!! ???????? Thanks I needed a bit of a lol xx

      • #25717
        chellou
        Participant

        Certainly not crackers….have loved this group. Sad that so many stories are years old…it certainly takes a long time to understand what’s going on, stop it and recover. Four years on for me…..slowly seeing life can get better. Therapy is daunting @Sal98 but so empowering xx

    • #25747
      jojo22
      Participant

      Feeling very lonely right now, but I see lots of people are in the same boat as me on here. My husband has been on and off taking cocaine for years. Racks up hundreds of pounds of debt. Says he’ll never do it again. Then invariably he ends up doing it again after a while of being clean. He admitted to me a few days ago that he had been using again “but only a little bit.” Then, some lovely dealers arrived at our door demanding payment. He has racked up huge debts again. In his addiction, he has also lost his job.

      I have now ended things with him until he can get clean, and even then I’m not sure I could take him back. I can’t keep going on like this, but I am so hurt and saddened. Like so many of you have said, he is such a good person when he is clean, but when he is on coke, he is unrecognisable. I no longer believe a word that comes out of his mouth. It’s nothing but lies, and more lies.

      I guess I just wanted to reach out to others who know what I am going through. I feel like I am in a very lonely place right now.

      • #25748
        chellou
        Participant

        So sorry up hear your story. All too familiar…

        Keep strong and keep talking on here…really helps. You’ll know what feels right to do….we all have different needs but adter not putting myself first I’d encourage you to think about how it affects you….I’m still all over the place emotionally after he’s given up weed, coke, porn and money scheme’s x

    • #25795
      confused23
      Participant

      Hi

      My husband is an addict but he claims he’s clean his normal drug of choice is meth but he also enjoys cocaine. I have a gut feeling he’s been using cocaine here and there but I can never catch it and he never leaves evidence idk what to do. About 3-4 months ago I left due to his drug use and lying I came back 3 months later cause he agreed to all these things and even agreed to drug test to show me he’s staying clean etc but now all that stuff is out the window and he won’t drug test now that I’m back. He constantly has a runny nose and the sniffles, sometimes he does like as if he is high, he gets spurts of high energy, he has mood swings and at times his sleep is very disrupted. I have severe trust issues due to my past relationship and now that he’s also lied to me so much I have an entire story of things but at this point I’m lost and don’t know what to do

    • #25919
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      I am devastated. I got married to my husband just over a year ago. We are both in our 50’s and second marriage. I know he had taken cocaine in the past and a week after we married as a packet fell out of his pyjama pocket when he had left them on the floor. I was literally shaking as he promised he wouldn’t do it anymore as I had found a packet previously. I now found some more this weekend as am absolutely heartbroken. He denied it at first but then finally admitted it. He says he has been doing it for 4 months but I don’t believe him. I’m not even sure that he ever stopped. He used to be such a kind loving person to me but over the last year he has been belittling me and putting me down and his personality has changed although I do see the old husband he used to be as well. I just don’t know what to do. He doesn’t contribute to the running of the house, promises me he will give me money towards bills. It was my house that he moved in too. Anyone with any advice it would be very gratefully received

      • #25927
        christinag
        Participant

        So sorry to read your post. I too can also relate, it’s so horrible and just shatters all your hopes and dreams of how you imagine your life together to be. I also met my partner, just before we were 50 but two years on, I had to call it a day as he was just never going to stop and I wanted better for my own life. That was six months ago and I still miss him terribly and thengood times we shared but I don’t miss the second guessing, lying, disrespect, emotional abuse and in the final days threats of violence. I could never have dreamed I would end up in a situation where I had to leave my own house because of a relationship but I did until he did and then I changed the locks and never looked back. If your husband is willing to get help and commit to recovery then there’s a chance of salvaging your relationship but I’d say put yourself and your own feelings first. Ultimately that’s what he is doing every time he uses. Wish you all the best. Take care of yourself x

        • #25934
          Lizzie52
          Participant

          I’m so sorry for what has happened to you – I can ultimately see the same thing for me but am terrified of not having him in my life as now it has happened 4 times and I can’t believe it is ever just going to go away. I wish you every happiness for the future x

    • #25922
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      I have just found out that my husband is taking cocaine again which he promised me a year ago he wouldn’t do but I have suspected for a while as he started being nasty and belittling me and blaming me for things that weren’t my fault. We have only been married just over a year and are both in our 50’s and on our second marriage. Our anniversary was awful and he was so nasty in the restaurant that I burst into tears which now I suspect he had taken cocaine that night. He says he has been taking it for 4 months but I don’t believe him and not sure that he even stopped from a year ago. I am utterly devastated and don’t know what to do – any advice would be so helpful. I want to end it but I love him too much

      • #25923
        sal98
        Participant

        Hi Debbie,

        Sorry that’s happening to you, its so horrible, we can all relate to it. What does he say when you confronted him about it? Does he say that he wants to stop or would he be willing to get help?

        • #25924
          Lizzie52
          Participant

          We haven’t really got that far yet as he has said he will stop but he said that before and I don’t believe he did. He hasn’t said he would be willing to get help yet and said that he takes it due to stresses in his work and children’s lives and it helps him to forget.

          • #25925
            sal98
            Participant

            Maybe see if he would go to a ca meeting? But from experience, you can’t believe a word that comes out of their mouths. Try to establish the extent of his coke use, if you don’t believe that he’s stopped, you can buy drug testing kits from amazon.

            Ive finally had to give up on my relationship, he even went to rehab for 3 months and everything seemed great when he got out but has started drinking and lying again after just 2 weeks out. I left him on Friday. I’m in bits trying to come to terms that the future we had planned is never going to happen. After everything he’s done, I’m still tempted to go back. My life is currently ruined, I was living in his house, so now I’m 34, single and living on my friends couch. I was hoping to get engaged and pregnant this year but that dream is gone now.

            • #25930
              faithnotfear
              Participant

              hi sal, i saw that you’ve had to end the relationship after all. I’m so sorry to hear that but I’m also really glad that you are putting your needs first.

              i think you’re really brave and hope you have good support around you while you can heal from this heartbreak.

              good luck for the future and hopefully you one day meet someone worthy of you and can fulfill your dreams of having a family x

              • #25932
                sal98
                Participant

                Thanks @faithnotfear, even when I wrote the last message, I was still considering going back to him but his brother just text me to say they tested him and he’s positive for cocaine. He’s continuing to lie, saying that the test is wrong. So now I feel like there’s no hope of him making a recovery from this.

                I am lucky though that I’ve got good friends around me and hopefully Mr Right is around somewhere for me.

              • #25937
                faithnotfear
                Participant

                oh sal, that’s so sad.. he really is very deep in this by the sounds of it… and as you know there is nothing you can do to help him other than lovingly detatch.

                it doesn’t hurt any less though.

                take time and be kind tk yourself x

            • #25935
              Lizzie52
              Participant

              yes I have been told about this and when we get the opportunity to actually sit down and talk as at the moment I am so distressed about everything I don’t think now is the right time to talk about whether he accepts he has an addiction which to be honest I don’t think he will. I am so sorry what you are going through. Drugs are a terrible thing that seem to have ruined so many lives – I wish you every happiness down the line x

      • #25928
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        hi debbie,

        when my husband got found out in feb this year he told all sorts of nonsense to try and get out of it. they are lying to themselves as much as everyone else. they are not even in their right minds as they are either up, down or trying to work out how/when they next can get high. you have my utmost sympathy.

        in the early days i made my husband drug test, for me it was the only way i could believe anything at all from him. gradually i saw him change back to a sober state. it took at least a month really as the main effects are quick but there is a range of longer effects like insomnia and exhaustion, moodiness and paranoia etc. i recommend reading up massively. it hurts thinking about it all but it’s the only way to really understand what they’re going through.

        do you think he really wants to stop? or is he just saying what you want to hear? it sounds a bit like something my husband said… whenever anything happened if he used it was like a reset.. mainly if we argued he would use and then not give a shit… it makes them unfeeling and empty.

        for me him using again would be a dealbreaker, i think you have to decide what limits you have for your life and be prepared to stand up for your boundaries.

        as I’ve said before this life is very difficult and i wouldn’t wish it on anyone x

        • #25936
          Lizzie52
          Participant

          hi yes I used to drug test him but then stopped as I was sort of embarrassed in a funny sort of way to keep doing it. The last time it didn’t go clear even after a week which when I read up is the sign of a heavy user. I have bought some more tests as he said to me this time to test him but I think he threw them away as couldn’t find them. I pray to god that he wants to stop but am scared stiff that there will always be a relapse although tonight I joined a na online meeting and it was really helpful to listen to addicts journeys and I felt a bit of a fraud being there but as it was an open meeting they were really kind to me. Good luck with everything for you x

          • #25938
            faithnotfear
            Participant

            funny how we feel embarrassed when we wouldn’t need to check them if they didn’t lie to us and take these drugs!!! i was too!

            I’m so sorry as it sounds like your husband isn’t ready to face up to things at this point, it’s hard to explain how frightening it feels to be on this side of things and i too feel so distressed when i think or talk about anything that has happened because of what my husband has been doing.

            we do talk about it though, and i feel he is being honest – partly because i can see that he is as distressed by it all as i am plus he knows he’s done this.

            as soon as i found out i gave him the ultimatum… sort it out or we are through. i won’t break that boundary and i pray it never comes to that…but i will not allow my kids exposed to that shit ever again.

            he did want to change though. i contacted ca and they threw him a lifeline. the change can’t be forced on them.

            i hope you can find the strength to get through and find peace x

    • #25926
      faithnotfear
      Participant

      I see this post got active again! i haven’t been on for a while, i don’t know about others but sometimes i find it very triggering, especially when it is a person who is suffering from addiction rather than people like me who suffer with seeing a loved one afflicted with this horrible condition.

      It all reminds me how hard this life is.

      But at the same time reminds me how lucky i am that my husband is still doing okay. We’re soldiering on and he’s horrified at what he’s done and i feel a bit of trust growing now.

      I can totally recommend getting talking therapy, it’s very hard work and sometimes i feel like not going but ive suffered from many difficult things over my life. I’ve done 20 sessions and we’ve barely started. But being able to talk to someone without feeling like you are burdening them is really good. They help you identify how you feel and why. I was very sad last week as I’m dreading xmas, she helped me find a few positives and I’m holding on for dear life.

      I’m so, so lucky as my husband is repairing his damaged relationships with our kids and I’m so sorry for those of us who aren’t so fortunate. Sal98, i see what you wrote and just wanted to send hugs really, i don’t blame you for being down. The trust has to be there and if we can’t trust the small parts how can we know where it will end. I hope you can get through this but it does sound as if he’s making the right moves.

      Always in the back of my mind is this: Am i stupid to trust this man again? Is he genuine, or am i seeing what i want to see? Is he just saying a the right things to get me off his back and go back to the dark side?

      I dread catching him in a lie, i caught many in the early days of him trying to damage limit. I warned him then it’s making him look like a total idiot expecting me to trust him again. This was when it all came out and he tried to pretend it wasn’t that bad. It was very bad indeed though, not the worst i read on here, but I think he was teetering on the edge of no return really.

      If i catch him lying ever again the trust I’m starting to find will evaporate.

      I hope you are okay.

      xxx

    • #25939
      potterfam
      Participant

      Hi. I have experienced a lot of similar things that have been mentioned.

      I’ve been married for 11years. About 4 years my partner used coke at a pub when offered by a friend. Over those years he became very distant. I thought he was suffering with depression as a result of his mother passing a few years prior. I encouraged him to get help and persuaded him to visit a counsellor. He reluctantly agreed but then stopped then one day I came home from work to find him high and drunk and he confessed and told me he had wracked up 20k worth of debt. He told me he was coming clean and wanted to stop and I thought over the past year he had and I saw that he had paid back money he had used but two weeks ago I discovered he was using again in fact that he had never stopped. Initially I think I went into shock then this past few weeks I felt pure rage. He has started visiting local support groups but I don’t even know how or if I can ever believe him again.

      • #25940
        Lizzie52
        Participant

        that’s exactly how I am feeling as he is so in debt. I’m at my wits end. I don’t believe a word that he says. its devastating. I really don’t know what to do x

      • #25945
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        hi potter fam,

        when i found out about my husband i basically broke down. i couldn’t eat or sleep or do anything except the barest minimum for the kids. thankfully we were in lockdown so i didn’t have to contend with school runs, clubs and social events. i was so horrified and sickened not just by the lies and the money, but above all how he could bring that absolute shit into our kids lives. we have two youngish kids together aged 11 and 13, plus two adult kids who already moved out. what I’m saying is it’s almost impossible to carry on normal life with this awful worry hanging over us and by us doing it we’re basically allowing them to avoid taking responsibility for everything they have done. i know it’s not necessarily easy but can you get away for a few days and stay with family? just for a bit of breathing space.

        i was very lucky, my husband wanted to stop and when it all came out he was so disgusted with himself he swore never again. obviously i worry every day something might cause relapse and at first i felt i had to babysit him to keep him from falling back down but once the fog cleared he has go stronger every day since. i wouldn’t say he was thinking clearly until he’d been clean of all mind altering substances for several weeks. now he is much better.

        do you think your guy genuinely wants to stop? if so i 100% recommend ca or similar, how big was the problem do you know? maybe even it’s a rehab situation.

        either way you are under a huge amount of stress right now and i wanted to let you know we all know that horrible, sick, anxious feeling you’re having and send you a big hug.

        xxxx

    • #25942
      potterfam
      Participant

      It’s so overwhelming I go from being really angry to stunned silence as I just don’t know where to turn for help. I’m trying hard to keep family life going for my children but inside I’m reaching breaking point.

    • #25947
      potterfam
      Participant

      Thank you for the supportive words. My partner is now seeking support and actively attending CA meetings but as you said the fear and mistrust lingers. I’m so conscious of not doing anything that might enable him further. I’m trying not to analyse everything but it’s tricky as I feel like ‘how did I not see’.

      I have made it clear to my partner their debt is theirs to payback and at the moment he’s moved into the spare room. I’m going to attend a family support meeting this eve to try and get some perspective

    • #25948
      potterfam
      Participant

      Thank you for the supportive words. My partner is now seeking support and actively attending CA meetings but as you said the fear and mistrust lingers. I’m so conscious of not doing anything that might enable him further. I’m trying not to analyse everything but it’s tricky as I feel like ‘how did I not see’.

      I have made it clear to my partner their debt is theirs to payback and at the moment he’s moved into the spare room. I’m going to attend a family support meeting this eve to try and get some perspective

    • #25949
      potterfam
      Participant

      Reading the posts has helped me realise that I’m not isolated in this. I’ve felt very lonely over the past few weeks not talking to anyone about what is going on. I think the relapse from my partner has made me face the fact this is an addiction not a ‘blip’ which is what I told myself the first time.

      • #25950
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        sadly you are right, there are too many of these same stories and they are all heartbreaking in their own ways.. but it is a comfort of sorts to know that we are not alone and to me it helps me realise I’m not completely crazy, my feelings about all this are 100% valid. i just wish he did not put me in this category of people, it’s a horrible, horrible position to be in.

        your husband does sound determined, that’s good. do you believe he has stopped? i said on an earlier reply somewhere we did drug tests at first but i am pretty sure i could tell from here onwards if he took cocaine as the difference now from what he has been like the past 2 years is like night and day.

        i don’t know if you saw my story but my husband and i used to occasionally use cocaine/party drugs at parties, never, ever separately in 18 years together and never at home, above all NEVER ever around our kids. Unfortunately after a Halloween party in 2018 he had some kind of mental breakdown and started doing it alone as a form of escape from stress of home and work. It genuinely had been a very difficult few years, including a 4bed house move which he had to work through and i handled 99% alone. In that time he had become isolated from the family and responsibility of family life. So a little at first one night turned into every time we argued, turned into picking arguments as an excuse to storm off and use. I didn’t know what was actually happening though.

        For 2.5 years things got worse and worse, his drinking was through the roof, he didn’t want to know me or the kids, he acted like he hated me. After a year or so he was getting so mad he was pushing me around, hitting me sometimes and smashing up the house. Over lockdown i threatened him with the police most weekends and sometimes during the week too. He terrorised me to the point i was suicidal but at the same time petrified to leave him unsupervised with the kids. I asked him many times if he was on drugs because om some occasions he was talking utter mad, paranoid gibberish. He sometimes would drag me out of bed accusing me of messing around with myself..to the point i would put my hands on my pillow and pretend to be asleep because i was so confused i needed to catch him out as talking rubbish. Which he was..i felt like i was losing my mind.

        I issued an ultimatum sort it out or leave. He begged chance after chance all of last year.

        Finally his business partner caught him out scoring and it all fell into place. So bloody obvious now looking back. I feel like a complete idiot! I wish i had called the police on him. But he didn’t want to be caught and i trusted him. Silly me!

        But…. we can’t be held responsible for their behaviour and to a point they aren’t in control of their behaviour either. Their thinking is hijacked by the drug. The more they do the more removed from rational thinking they get. But when they really, truly want to stop they can if they take the support. Ca are very good, they helped my husband completely change his outlook on everything. He always was selfish and unhappy. Now he was given a lifeline he’s very grateful and is doing all he can to repair the damage he has done.

        We are always talking honestly about it now, which was extremely hard and painful at first. For both of us. Plus it took several months for him to really honestly open up to me. At first he would just say random crap to get me off his back.

        The worst things i learned were that he took drugs at our family ny party this yr (me, him, our then 10yr old daughter and 13 yr old son), nearly got caught drug driving by the police but got away with it, though my children have been in the car when it seems he should not have been behind a wheel and also that on several occasions he overdid things to the point he thought he was going to die… imagine that… our kids could have come down for their breakfast to that!!!!

        Anyway that’s my story. Im 6mths into therapy now and it helps. And we’re 9 months down since it came out and our relationship is strong but hurt. We’re working on it. I have severe ptsd from all of it plus stuff in my past that has been dragged out because of all this. I have chronic bad dreams, insomnia, amnesia and am very depressed and anxious. I was always a very cheerful and outgoing optimist. Now i hide away and expect the worst. I hate that i missed spotting this situation and feel huge guilt, despite rationally knowing im not to blame.

        So the long and short… there is hope if they want to change but it’s a long. hard road. He knows if he goes back, he is out. I refuse to allow my kids childhood be destroyed by that shit.

        Sorry if you find I’m rabitting on!

        Big hugs to all of us living this nightmare xxx

        • #25954
          Lizzie52
          Participant

          Hi

          I can totally relate to your post but I am at the beginning of the journey and can only hope that my husband will admit that he has been taking cocaine and get help. I think at the moment he is in denial that he has a problem. However his personality has changed from the loving fun guy I met to constantly blaming me for any problems and belittling me which I believed to be true. I can now see that it isn’t me – I have blamed myself for everything as that was what he made me believe and have started taking antidepressants coupled with insomnia. I like you have always been a half glass full person but have gradually been dragged down to rock bottom. His drinking is also through the roof and I am also drinking way more than I used too. I have been in contact with CA and am attending an alanon meeting this evening on their advice. I am praying for a positive outcome to all this. What an absolutely awful drug cocaine is x

          • #25955
            ash2013
            Participant

            Hi Debbie,

            You arent alone, there are many many partners in your boat with you, you dont feel like it at the time though.

            My husband is 50, and we’ve been married 15 years, for most of that 15 years he was a cocaine addict. Started as a social thing then spiralled. He is now 2 years clean, and has not drunk any alcohol either. The pandemic probably helped him wierdly enough.

            I can’t tell you what made him stop in the end, but he did it alone without rehab or groups. He is very determined in everything he does though, so with my support he did it. Even 2 years on I still worry that he’ll relapse, but one day its got to be forever right? Hopefully this is it. He’s stopped before for months here and there, but never this long, and his language about people who use coke has changed, he thinks negatively of them now.

            He did cut ties with most of his mates that do it, and spent more time at home (most of the time really) and occasionally will see friends that don’t do it.

            My life was awful, he was absent, nasty, aggressive, cheated on me. I took an overdose because my life was so sad. I couldnt see any light.

            Coke is a sly drug, it reels you in slowly and turns you into a different person, cocaine is your priority and anyone that gets in the way of that (i.e me) is the enemy.

            I’ve had the best 2 years of my life since he stopped, and it is possible, but your husband has to admit he has a problem and want to stop, because until that point you may aswell be talking to a wall.

            Sending hugs x

            • #25957
              Lizzie52
              Participant

              Hi thank you for your post – I commend you for putting up with it for 15 years – that must have been so hard for you. It does reel you in and change you – I couldn’t understand why he had changed and was being nasty – I didn’t even realise coke did that to you but it all makes sense now. I thought I was going mad. I so hope for the final outcome that you have as I don’t want to give up on our marriage – we haven’t even had our honeymoon yet as it has been cancelled 3 times due to covid. Thank you x

              • #25958
                ash2013
                Participant

                It really does change them, and you. I was living on the edge for so long, worrying, not sleeping, just existing really. We have a child, and I clung onto the good times, of which there were not many.

                I’m pretty sure I have PTSD / anxiety because of it, because the fear literally takes over my body when we are invited somewhere where I know alcohol will be. Thankfully he knows that for him, the two things go together, so he cannot drink any more. I never really drank much, so giving that up didn’t bother me at all.

                He did have a hole coming in his septum, and I think thats one of the reasons he stopped, his parents never knew any of this addiction, and he cares what they think of him. If his nose got worse he wouldn’t have been able to hide it.

                I’d like to think I was a part of him stopping, and deep down I think I am, and his child, but for years that didnt matter.

                I tested him for months, and he was happy for me to do so because he wanted to stop. I could tell when he had done it even if he denied it (which he regularly did) his appetite, his eyes, his tone, even the way he text me, I could tell! Crazy life.

                If you get tests from amazon, you can test if he doesnt flush the toilet, gross I know, but you’ll at least know you’re not going mad. Trust your gut, its usually right.

                I feel so sad that good people are in this position, its like living on a rollercoaster xx

              • #25959
                Lizzie52
                Participant

                Hi

                I have already bought some more test strips from Amazon and the last time I found white powder was this weekend – I had suspected for a while so was on the hunt all the time for any residue which I found. I confronted him and he denied it and said to test him as I had done in the past but I couldn’t find the tests as I think he must have thrown them away. Its really hard to see if his pupils are dilated as he has really dark brown eyes. I hadn’t thought about testing in the loo as he quite often doesn’t flush in the mornings before he goes to work so it doesn’t wake me so that is a great tip – not that I want the test to be positive. last time I found a packet which fell out of his pyjama pocket as I was tidying the bedroom was a week after we had got married and he swore that he wouldn’t take it again – this was the third time I had found packets. I can’t comprehend how coke can be more important than your wife but it obviously is – it’s so sad and you feel so let down x

              • #25961
                ash2013
                Participant

                Sometimes its good to ‘just know’ yourself, because believe me, they’ll never admit it.

                It is hard to comprehend like you say, but Coke is their best friend, and the little devil on their shoulder will be telling him that because you’re trying to stop him that you are the enemy. Try to be stay strong and look after yourself, because you need to. I lost so much weight in the thick of it, I looked like a skeleton, nervous energy xx

              • #25962
                faithnotfear
                Participant

                absolutely agree with what ash says, we have to look after ourselves and try not to lose ourselves completely in all of it, it’s a very hard situation to live through but we can survive.

                i didn’t do support groups as i tend to try not to think about everything too much, i come on here now and again but do find facing up to the way it is so painful. some people swear by them but in honesty i dont like talking about it all very much. in 18 sessions of counselling i still have barely mentioned it as i will just break down. writing it on here is a little easier than voicing it, though if I’m having a fiwn day i tell my husband and he listens and comforts me. it helps him accept what damage he has done and gives him the chance to put things right (i know there is an element of codependency there but done in the right way i think we are okay at the moment).

                the key things are that they can get better if they are determined enough and until they are well clear of drugs their word cannot be trusted at all. our best position is to get as much information as possible, i read a lot on healthline but a lot of other places too and then we have to decide what we want from all this, we need to set our boundaries and be prepared to enforce them and sadly be prepared to lovingly detach at some point further down the line x

    • #25960
      potterfam
      Participant

      Thank you for sharing your story. There are some definite common threads I can see in your story and mine. I can relate to the feelings you’ve had and have. At first I was in utter shock and disbelief. It’s shocking what an addict will do.

      Do you have any advice on places or groups for support that have helped you?

    • #25963
      potterfam
      Participant

      My partner has taken a long time to admit that coke has changed him. At the moment I’m trying to do the things I can to protect the children and me from any further relapses. I naively thought something like this would never happen to me. I think that’s why it’s been hard to accept but hearing I’m not the only person this has/is effecting has helped.

      I don’t think I’ve ever felt rage like this ever in my life. The only thing I can compare it to is grief.

      I do find it impossible to talk about with friends and family right now – I think I feel shame at what has happened.

      • #25964
        Lizzie52
        Participant

        I feel the same – I come from a normal family but since being with my husband my eyes have been opened enormously – I’m scared to stay in it but the trouble is I love him and don’t know what else to do. Its unbelievable what I have had to endure not just about the coke but his family too seem so screwed up. I feel I just want a normal life again but have great friends who are supporting me although I haven’t told them the latest. x

    • #25965
      potterfam
      Participant

      It’s definitely changed me as a person I do spend a lot of time in my own head and thoughts. I used to be really sociable but I often make excuses that I’m exhausted to explain why I’m quiet. We recently had a family photo taken after, what I thought was, a year of him being clean only to discover he’s actually high in the photo. It’s like it’s tainted every aspect of our lives

      • #25966
        Lizzie52
        Participant

        OMG do you think there is anyway out of this or are we destined to be with a coke addict or leave. The weird thing is that his brother is a recovering coke addict and alcoholic too and is just a complete waste of space that spends his days addicted to prescripted drugs sleeping and wasting his life and I said to my husband is that what you want to become. I have grown up children so its different for me but I can’t spend the rest of my life (I’m nearly 59 but feel 39) waking up every day feeling depressed and wondering why I’m not happy when I have just got married again. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life enjoying things but he is so in debt I’m guessing because of drugs that I am paying for everything and he contributes nothing (he has moved into my house) I’m speechless when I see how awful it is for everyone x

        • #25968
          Lizzie52
          Participant

          sending love to you and I think I need to do the same and yes a crazy world – all I wanted was a loving husband to spend the rest of my life with xx

          • #25969
            faithnotfear
            Participant

            same xxx

          • #26012
            ash2013
            Participant

            How are you doing Debbie? I’ve been thinking of you and I hope you are ok x

            • #26014
              Lizzie52
              Participant

              Hi I really don’t know. Everything is whirring round my head. From the minute I wake up until the minute I go to sleep. I keep thinking how could I be so stupid to marry a drug addict who lies to me. I haven’t seen him all week and tonight will be the first time and I’ve no idea how to approach this evening. thank you for thinking of me and if you have any tips they would be so welcome xx

              • #26015
                faithnotfear
                Participant

                first off remember that you are definitely not stupid, none of us are, we’ve all been dragged into this lifestyle.

                we can’t tell you what to do other than keep as calm as you can and most of all please be true to yourself….and remember what he says may be a load of rubbish especially if he has been taking drugs recently.

                i wish you luck x

        • #25970
          christinag
          Participant

          If he is willing to commit to a path of recovery then there is a chance but it’s also an exhausting process. The realisation and willingness has to come from him.

          It’s true what others say that you have to set your own boundaries and follow through on the consequences. It’s so incredibly difficult when you love someone but it’s draining and you end up doubting your own sanity as they’ll twist everything to make you feel like it’s either not a problem or that you are the problem. I found this site very helpful when living with it and I also find it really helpful now living without it as it reminds me how awful it was and never to be tempted to ‘try again’ even though my heart would love to. Every single story has some similarity to what I experienced and I actually couldn’t believe the situation I found myself in.

          I was fortunate to have two friends who are addicts (clean for more than 14 years so a lot of experience of the recovery path/ challenges) and they really helped me understand the mindset of the addict and what I was dealing with.

          I didn’t want to wake up in 5 years in same situation…

          I hope you manage to find some comfort and reassurance on here. X

    • #25967
      potterfam
      Participant

      I’m trying to set my boundaries and trying to separate our lives from his so I can have the strength to divorce if he relapses. That’s much easier said than done. What a crazy world we live in. Oh well another day survived x

    • #25971
      potterfam
      Participant

      Same- thank you for your sharing everyone. Take care – we can do this x

    • #26016
      potterfam
      Participant

      Good luck tonight it’s so so difficult. I completely hear what you are saying and if you’re anything like me you’ll be so conflicted with all the emotions you have. It’s such a toxic and destructive drug. I hope things go okay for you. Sending lots of positivity x

      • #26019
        Lizzie52
        Participant

        Hi yes I think I am exactly like you. Without going back through all the threads what was your outcome x

    • #26017
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Thank you everyone – it means a lot. My feeling is that he is going to deny he has a problem and that he will just not take anymore but that is what he said last time. Says it is a relief to take after stresses at work. Obviously I don’t believe him. What a complete an utter mess xx

    • #26018
      potterfam
      Participant

      That’s exactly what my partner said. It’s a release from stress. I feel your pain x

    • #26020
      potterfam
      Participant

      My husband told me two weeks ago that he’d relapsed and spent a further 14k on coke. At the moment he says he’s committed to following the 12 step programme but in the meantime I’ve caught him watching porn and searching for credit cards and loans so I’m not hopeful and can’t stand to even be in the same room as him.

      • #26044
        Lizzie52
        Participant

        oh no I’m so sorry to hear this. I was supposed to be talking to my husband this weekend but I feel I am treading on eggshells and neither of us have bought it up. He is basically ignoring me and ignoring the situation x

    • #26048
      potterfam
      Participant

      It’s hard to distinguish between the real person and the addict. I have waves of feeling hideous then back to thinking I can cope. I’m finding it hard to wrack my brains around it all. It’s really hard to understand why they can’t just stop. Such destructive drug.

      It’s hard to know where to even start with conversations.

      • #26056
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        if you look online and start researching fully you will learn that the drugs rewrite how their brains interpret life… basically they start to inadvertently consider.that no normal life pleasures compare with the drug of choice.. once this happens they begin to prioritise the drug above anything else that would normally be pleasurable.. you can learn this by googling and checking healthline. it’s hard reading but it makes sense in that we can learn how to protect our selves x

    • #26058
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      We talked and it didn’t go well – he has ended our marriage – devastated doesn’t touch the surface x

      • #26061
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        oh dear, debbie i am so sorry x

    • #26062
      potterfam
      Participant

      I’m really sorry to hear this Debbie. Have you got family and friends around?

    • #26067
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Thank you everyone – After all that and me having a panic attack I think he realised how much it affected me – I have never had a panic attack before and it was really frightening. We talked more and decided to give it one last go so I am praying that it works but I didn’t actually ask him if he was going to stop coke which I need to do but am scared to bring it up. Fingers crossed but think maybe need to wait a few days maybe at weekend to see if I can broach the subject x

    • #26068
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Thank you everyone – After all that and me having a panic attack I think he realised how much it affected me – I have never had a panic attack before and it was really frightening. We talked more and decided to give it one last go so I am praying that it works but I didn’t actually ask him if he was going to stop coke which I need to do but am scared to bring it up. Fingers crossed but think maybe need to wait a few days maybe at weekend to see if I can broach the subject x

    • #26112
      jolene1974
      Participant

      You are living my life and oddly the day you wrote this is the day he decided that he would start cheating. We have 5 kids. He has MS and has a gambling and drug addiction. January 9 2019 the kids were home for a snow day. At 6pm we ate supper and the kids asked if daddy was going to get out of bed(he was out all night partying and doing blow as he did most nights). I asked the kids to go downstairs and play. That night after 12 years and 5 kids I fell to my knees in tears and knew I couldn’t live like this. Every day I pushed through. On the outside no one would have guess the suffering as I made it my priority to be the best. I always thought I’d i was the best I could be he would somehow want to change for me. The 6 months leading up to this night I shut my emotions off and he became increasing mean. He crossed lines I never thought he would. Things that changed me in little ways. I calmly told him. I had hoped losing his family would give him the desire to change. But I was wrong. Over the next month I would wake up as he was getting home. I kne he was doing drugs but not the other things he was doing. On February 4 2019 things got volatile. He left. He would come by to see the kids and tell them he was sleeping in his shop. On February 7 I called him. I knew something about him was different. Maybe I truly thought we were meant to be. Maybe I couldn’t handle knowing that we weren’t worth changing for. Maybe I hated knowing I was so easy to replace. Anyways I asked him back and he came home crying. Things seemed great until March 9 when an envelope containing a book size stack of papers. In it was a letter from the woman he had been sneaking around with since the day we broke up. Pages of his lies. Pages of every insult about me. Every dirty moment they spent together. Photos of them. I was crushed. I told him he needed to prove that I came first and in front of me tell this woman the truth. Since then I have been lost. I still can’t understand how unimportant we were to him that rather than give up drugs he chose to try and erase us. I’m trying make sense of it all. I thought I would never be surprised by the things he would do but I honestly didn’t think he would ever do that. Sleeping with this women then coming home to me telling me he would change. For 4 weeks he did this and not one twinkle of guilt??

      • #26115
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        Aw that’s a very sad story and one we can all identify with. This life is like death of a thousand cuts. Little by little we lose ourselves. The whole family needs help and support to recover from addiction.

        Are you still separated? Have you got support from friends or family? I hope so. If not you can get help on here and also from the Icarus Trust. It sounds like your partner is very deeply caught up in his addiction and unfortunately it means that his behaviour is not his true self. The drugs have basically hijacked his brain. That doesn’t mean it hurts any less, but it isn’t any mark on you. Just a horrible and tragic situation that you and your poor kids need to heal from.

        Sending you love and hugs, as there but the grace of god go all of us. We all know your pain xx

      • #26116
        Lizzie52
        Participant

        I’m so so sorry to hear your story. All I can say is as much as you may love him this could be the best thing to happen to you. I know it won’t seem like it at the moment but if you and the kids can get through this you can restart your life and one day you will be happy again without the toxic situation that you are in at the moment. Sending you lots of hugs xx

      • #26694
        jopack
        Participant

        I made a mistake 10 years in to my long term relationship and I owned up to it. It was a massive mistake and I deeply regret it. I also think I was date raped but have no evidence of this, just a very odd a bizarre experience. I tried to confide in my friends and they turned against me. It was taking effect on my mental health and I was beginning to feel lost and very alone in life. I started to believe I’d pushed the self destruct button and was on a downward spiral. I confessed to my partner and we decided to stay together, move house and start a fresh. I was still suffering from how my friends had treated me and this wasn’t getting resolved which continued to affect me.

        We moved in May 2021, I was so happy as we had awful neighbours which used to threaten us in our old house which also affected me mentally. To be together, better ourselves and start a family at long last. We had an amazing family home with plenty of potential, I couldn’t of been happier…besides the sadness of not having my friends. My partner changed jobs in July, I started to see a difference in his behaviour and attitude in August/September and I started to put two and two together. I got all the signs of him having an affair. He gas lighted me for months. Denying anything was going on. Nothing he said would add up and he’d make me feel I was going insane and losing my mind. He’s always been known to tell silly lies but this last year and half he’s completely changed as a person and the lies have become beyond excessive. Come October he was arrested for stealing 10 thousand pounds from his previous employer. This is so out of character for him and I was completely blown away, he said he done it for me. I stood by him and it’s an on going investigation. He admitted to another girl the same night he was arrested but assured me it was me he wanted and not her, that he didn’t have sex with her as he couldn’t get an errection…to which she told him to get viagra…he did this but told me he didn’t take it as it’s not what he wanted. He told me it was over between them. Made out to me it was all her pushing this. I was still suspicious as all the signs started again, his attitude, constantly lying, things didn’t add up.

        I finally had all the information I needed to prove he was having an affair. A week before Christmas 2021 it all came to a head, he had another girlfriend which he’d introduced to his family, living and working with her and booked a holiday to Mexico for January 2022. (He’d been telling people we’d finished in the July which was a complete lie) I was devastated, my whole world had fallen apart. He’d been living a double life for months and had made me believe it was all in my head. He’s now left me with a mountain of debt, a house which is half renovated and I only work part time. All for a girl he barely knows. He’s told numerous lies to his family and friends and also his new partner.

        I dread losing this amazing house all for a guy that has emotionally abused me for months if not years.

        Im now on antidepressants and seeking therapy to help me get my life back on track as I’ve considered ending it all as I feel there’s no way back from this. He’s left me with nothing and has shown no remorse for his actions. I now have suspicions he’s on cocaine, hence the massive debts, the sneaky behaviour, finding empty viagra boxes, the attitude, weight loss, the whites of his eyes and skin is yellow, his urine is black, desperate for money, loan letters, unpaid fines, the compulsive lying…to the point he believes his own lies, he’s avoiding certain friends and some family members. He also had me arrested under false allegations and then lied to say his work place done it. This list is never ending. It’s like he’s possessed by something and I can’t help but think this new girl isn’t helping with his decision making. She had an abortion with his baby as “she isn’t ready” for that, paid for him to go to Mexico, got a tattoo of his initial on her, moved him in to her place, works with him, buys him teenager type presents (he’s 34 and wrote a 5 page letter back-which to me is not normal for a 34 year old to do that), planning their wedding and family and they plan to go travelling end of this year with the sale of my house! all in the space of a couple of months.

        Does anyone know if this sounds as though 1, he’s on cocaine (as I know he’s found bags of it at work previously), 2, having some kind of mental breakdown or disorder, 3, if this girl is fuelling the situation. A few days before it all came to a head he said to me he doesn’t know where he’s going in life, what he’s doing, he used to know his next move etc and be mentally strong. Out of everything he says I actually believed that. When he was caught out and confronted me, he wept (no tears) and said it all got in a mess (the situation with the new girl). I also believed that too.

        Im adamant she’s love bombing him and he’s either had a breakdown, on cocaine or both for him to be behaving the way he is and making such poor decisions.

        • #26695
          ash2013
          Participant

          Hi JoPack,

          Welcome. To be honest with you, he may have a coke problem, but it sounds to me like the physical attributes you mention are more like that of an alcohol problem.

          Cocaine can make people make really poor life choices, and act like total a–holes, but I’ve not heard of any of the physical symptoms you mention.

          I’m so sorry any of this is happening to you. You made a mistake, owned up and both decided to stay together. Which means he should have worked past that. But it sounds like he possibly hasnt?

          If he is on coke, then getting through to him and making him see what you are saying will fall on deaf ears. He may be too ashamed to admit anything to you, so he’s running away, but it sounds like she may be like him, in which case they migrate to people who have made the same choices as them, to escape reality.

          I hope you stay strong, and maybe take a step back for your own sanity xx

    • #26117
      potterfam
      Participant

      Im sorry to hear how much you are suffering. Addiction is a hideous disease and I hadn’t ever appreciated how much it damages loved ones until my own family were affected by it.

      Take one day at a time – try to take strength in getting through each moment. Saying it out loud or writing the words is an achievement. At first I couldn’t even say the words.

      I was so ashamed of what my partner had become.

      Sending lots of love and strength x

    • #26118
      rati
      Participant

      Hi there,

      2 weeks earlier my husband beat me. He is addicted to drugs (methamphetamine and cocaine), but he does not admit it. The physical abuse became a police case, and he was told to stay away from me for 60 days. Sometimes he is still under the influence of drugs, and then sends rambling messages for me around the clock. If he clean, at that time floods me with love messages.

      My situation is also complicated by the fact that, on the one hand, my husband’s family is trying to alleviate his behavior. They say he doesn’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t answer him, he can’t see me, even though he loves me more than anything. On the other hand, it’s also terribly depressing to be emotionally attached to him even after what happened. I hope it was “just” because of the drug and that if he manages to overcome his addiction, everything will be fine.

      I have known each other with my husband for 6 years (we have been married for 2 years) and in the first year he had no problems, had no outbursts of anger, was not sickly jealous and did not want to control every step of my life. Then a horrible thing happened in his life, his workshop burned, his whole life. Then he started to change his behavior, he started taking drugs he had never really admitted, or if I found something in him, he said it wasn’t his. From then on, he became more and more jealous, reading into my phone, putting a location tracker in my car, and watching the position of my phone. If I didn’t respond to his call right away, he came to say he was sure that I was with someone else and I’m cheating on him. His biggest outbursts of rage when he screamed and broked all around him were about once a year. I thought it was because of drugs and stress. I always managed to calm it down. Then, as the years went by, he became more and more deluded, inventing things about me that were nowhere near reality.

      In the meantime, he always said that no one had ever loved me more than he had, and in fact I felt the same way about him. And the trouble is, I still feel that way, even though I know this isn’t the person I met and fell in love with. I keep hoping that if he overcomes addiction, we can have a future. Every day I recall what happened that night… Every day I replay in my head what he did to me so that I don’t want anything from him anymore … but it seems it doesn’t help either …

      In the last few days, he started calling our mutual acquaintances and telling them he didn’t know what had happened, I wiped out all his computers, changed his passwords, and he ended up at the police, but he didn’t understand why and he didn’t understand why I was doing this to him. But I didn’t do anything … I always tried to help him and pull him out of the deepening pit. But I failed…

      I am terribly afraid of what will happen next, what to do when a trial takes place. How to behave, what to say, I’m afraid to face it because I feel like I still love … but not this monster, but the one I met 6 years ago.

      Thank you.

      • #26119
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        My goodness me what a harrowing story, and good for you to be brave enough to go through the legal channels. That’s absolutely amazing.

        Have you contacted Lighthouse.. they should be able to offer you support with this distressing crime. You may even be able to do court via video link rather than facing him in the court room.

        i think you should also speak to the team here at adfam and/or icarus trust. You should not have to go through this horrible ordeal alone.

        My husband got violent with me a lot of times in his active addiction and it was utterly terrifying. I didn’t know about the drugs at that point and assumed it was alcohol. I threatened him with the police and that was usually enough to make him see sense before i got hurt too badly or the house was completely destroyed (probably because he didn’t want to get busted for drugs). He also was very paranoid and one regular argument we had was about him having cctv installed around the house. I refused and it got nasty… what was i hiding? he would scream at me. He’s also tried raiding my phone to the point i had to hide it in my kids bedrooms a fair few times. It isn’t their true self behaving like that but at the same time it is, but it’s up to them to choose recovery for themselves. We can only stand by and lovingly detatch to protect ourselves.

        I’m lucky, my husband is doing well in his recovery and I’m gradually working through my mental health issues. I have severe ptsd and am very depressed and anxious. I go to talking therapy weekly which helps.

        Your partner may not be ready to change but the courts may enforce some kind of rehab order.

        I hope your friends and family csn be supportive x

    • #26175
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Hi everyone. I am at my wits end about what to do. He was in a low and occasional bad mood with me most of the weekend – it was just us here. He is worried about Christmas he said as it was just my family here and both my daughter (26) and my son (23) and my sister know that he had taken coke again which I found out about a couple of weeks ago. He says his boys don’t want to come down for Boxing Day as whenever they are here there is drama, the latest one being when I found out he was taking coke again and 2 of his boys were here. Anyway he hadn’t flushed the loo before he left for work so I did a urine test for coke and it has come back positive. I was shocked that he had started or never stopped so soon and now I just don’t know what to do now. Any advice would be so appreciated x

      • #26176
        ash2013
        Participant

        Hi Debbie,

        I hope you are ok 🙁

        What is the current status, has he admitted he has an addiction and has he said he will try, or has nothing been said, and you are over reacting (in his opinion)?

        Nobody can tell you what to do, goodness I stayed in your position for years and years. Life was like an awful rollercoaster ride.

        One thing I will say, is that I dont think I would have stayed if we didnt have a child together. Your happiness is important, and right now you’re not happy.

        Does he know you tested him or have you kept that to yourself? xx

        • #26177
          Lizzie52
          Participant

          Hi

          No he doesn’t know I tested him and we haven’t really discussed it since the weekend I found out. I highly doubt he would admit he has an addiction. I just don’t know what to do as don’t want to ruin Christmas. Maybe I will wait and test him again during Christmas period as wondering how long coke stays in your system and maybe it is positive from before ie 2 weeks ago or am I just kidding myself? Did your husband get help and stay off it x

          • #26180
            ash2013
            Participant

            My husband is 2 years clean, but he had many failed attempts before that. He only really stopped when he realised his septum was falling apart! x

          • #26181
            faithnotfear
            Participant

            hi debbie

            i hate to say this, but from what you write it sounds like your husband is a regular and long term user of cocaine, and doesn’t see any problem with it.

            It also sounds like you are afraid to have any serious conversations with him about it because of the ructions it might cause.

            This relationship sounds so distressing for you and so unhealthy for you both.

            Maybe ive misunderstood you, in which i fully apologise if ive caused offence to you.

            It’s just so not okay for your feelings to be completely crushed by this situation. It’s not fair.

            Some wives are able to accept drug use in the marital situation, if that works for you then that’s fine.

            We all have to set our own comfortable boundaries and that’s purely a personal decision.

            • #26186
              Lizzie52
              Participant

              Hi

              you are completely right. I am scared to have serious conversations because of the consequences and he is so down right now and pre Christmas etc etc. A million excuses I know. I just want it all to go away. We’ve only been married for just over a year and now I’ve found it on two occasions since then. He says he has only been using for 4 months lately but I just don’t believe him. I’m definitely not happy to accept drug use as it changes his personality. I just don’t know what to do except have a conversation with him again after new year maybe. xx

              • #26187
                ash2013
                Participant

                I think if he’s only been using for 4 months, it wouldn’t be that hard to stop right.

                At some point, I think you have to have the conversation with him, because as Faith said, some people can deal with partners using in marriages. I couldn’t, and it sounds like you can’t either. And nor should you have to. You didnt sign up to this.

                You need to choose your time though, zero point talking to him if he’s had a drink or is high, and the come down is probably also a bad time. TBH, only you can tell when is the right time. But you need to be safe.

                Does he have lots of friends that do it, do you own a house together, etc. A magic wand to go back a year would be awesome right, but unless he admits an issue, or decides that he is going to stop because its upsetting his wife, this will just continue. I feel so sad, why does this have to happen to good people 🙁 xx

              • #26188
                Lizzie52
                Participant

                Hi

                Thank you for your reply.

                He says he’s only been using this time for 4 months but he has used several times before – I think he probably never stopped. I’ve just been blind or stupid that I believed him each time. The line on the urine test strip is really strong even though he promised me 15 days ago that he wouldn’t take it again.

                The house is mine and don’t think he has lots of friends that do it either. He never has any money and even since he stopped paying the mortgage on his ex wife’s house recently which was a hefty sum he still has no money and is up to his eyeballs in debt.There is one big problem though and that is that I love him. I want to help him but don’t know how to go about it. The four months sort of coincide with him stopping paying the mortgage.

              • #26588
                confused23
                Participant

                Hi Debbie,

                I’m nervous and scared to have serious conversations with my husband also! As soon as I tell him I would like to talk stuff instantly starts hitting the fan! He always says I’m just nagging etc. I dont understand why he tries to hide that he’s using cocaine when it’s so obvious and I know he’s high as soon as I see his face. He has gotten destructive a couple of times. He’s very manipulative and a narcissist extremely! Everything is always my fault. He makes me the reason of his using just like on Christmas Eve we went to the gas station to get him some cigarettes I walked in and got them and walked out and once he seen me he hurried and hid something and he was super nervous so I asked him “what do u have” and he said nothing then I looked between his legs on the seat and there was white powder stuff on my seat so I said asked again and he still denied it. Then I proceeded to pull out of my parking spot and noticed a bag on the ground outside of his door so I stopped and got out and got it and sure enough it was a bag quarter full of cocaine! He still then denied it and said well if it’s mine then give it to me and I set there and poured it all out! Then he got sooooo angry like so angry and blamed me for it cause we had a disagreement earlier that day but we were fine after we had talked so he yelled and screamed etc and made me feel like the lowest person in the world

              • #26591
                Lizzie52
                Participant

                Hi I finally sent him an email as he was in London saying that I know that he has been taking coke and that I wanted to help him but that he needed to want to help himself first. To cut a long story short he got angry with me for testing him without his knowledge which I can kind of understand and said we need time apart to see what that is like so I’m sitting here wondering if my marriage is over or not. He said he had been trying so hard to make our marriage work and that it was all my fault and that Christmas had been so stressful (basically because my sister knew that he took coke before Christmas when I found him out about 6 weeks ago and I guess he was embarrassed). I am so ill with all the stress that maybe I would be better without him but I can’t see that at the moment. I can understand how angry and upset you must be with that situation at the garage. I would have done exactly the same thing and most likely got the same reaction from my husband too. How iare things now? How long have you been married and how long has he been taking it. Its such a nasty, destructive drug that destroys families. I feel so drained by it all and want the man I married back but everything is almost like an argument or he is sarcastic to me. Then at weekends he ends up sleeping most days away or sitting in the dark so I am alone again but when his boys are down he is full of life and wants to be doing something. I just don’t know how much more of this I can take. He makes me doubt my sanity in all this and makes me think that it is maybe my fault. Sending you strength x

              • #26593
                ash2013
                Participant

                None of this is your fault and you need to remind yourself of that, every time your negative thoughts pop into your head. How is him deciding to use cocaine your fault? You need to step back and try to think logically sweetheart. You are doing nothing wrong! You are trying to help him and save your marriage, theres nothing wrong with that.

                So much of what you said reminded me of situations i’ve been in. The anger for testing him – is just deflection from his guilt, he wasnt being honest with you, and your gut was telling you he was still using, so you did what you had to for your own sanity!

                A stressful situation because of your sister is not your fault either, thats guilt too. Why should you have to bottle everything up inside because of his feelings, is he caring about your feelings when he’s not stopped using coke?

                Its so hard when you are in it, to see whats really going on. Your husband has gone away, and the addiction is what you are dealing with. There is still a good person there, but you need to try and drag him out of the powerful hold of cocaine. Its a very addictive drug, psychologically more addictive than herion. His ability to stop will require a lot of willpower and a lot of support, but he has to want to, and I dont think he’s there 🙁

                Sending you love xx

              • #26595
                Lizzie52
                Participant

                Hi – thank you for your message. It has helped me. A while back he said that I was resenting his 3 sons coming down. I did because he would leave me on my own most of the weekend. I tried talking to him but the resentment in me built up in my head that eventually everything came crashing down and the long and short of it was that it was all my fault. I ended up going on antidepressants but he just seemed a different person from before. Since last night he now says he doesn’t know me anymore either and said I was sneaking around looking to hang him because I had tested him. I love him and want the old person back who is such a great guy but I’m not sure that too much has gone on in our first year of marriage to try to fix things yet again. I just don’t understand if he saw me in such pain last time that he would just carry on. He never has any money and I basically pay for everything and I guess it’s because he spends so much on coke. Perhaps he always was on coke. I just don’t know what to think anymore. I am so unhappy and worried. I don’t think that he will tell me the truth but I think he has left me anyway and blaming me yet again. Its so sad :((

              • #26596
                faithnotfear
                Participant

                i totally second what ash is saying debbie.. it’s not your fault… he is in the grip of a powerful addiction and anything he says comes from there, not the man you fell in love with.

                we can’t tell you what to do but i will say that for your own sake, and the sake of your mental health i wonder if a little break would do you some good. your family sound very supportive too, can you talk to them about how desperate you’re feeling? i think you should seek professional help for yourself too. we’re all suffering from addiction. yes, the addict takes the drug, but everyone around them is affected and hurt and damaged. we all need to access recovery. sometimes we need professional help in our own personal journey.

                have you tried looking at the cocaine anonymous web site? there are support group meetings for families of addicts. i didn’t go down that road, i went into talking therapy and after nearly a whole year I’m finally moving on. my addict has faced his issues and knows my boundaries. he knows if he breaks them he’s out.

                please don’t blame yourself, from what you say this originated way before your relationship, he just concealed it from you.

                ive spent a lot of time blaming myself and feeling guilty and ashamed… but it’s not my fault. it’s just the way it is.

                please be kind to yourself debbie x

              • #26597
                Lizzie52
                Participant

                Thank you. Yes I have got professional help to try to understand and ironically her husband was a coke addict so she really understands. I have also attended Al-anon meetings but haven’t really got much out of them to be honest and also cocaine and narcotics anonymous to try to understand from the addicts point of view and they have all been really nice to me. I’m just about to start another one. I too think that a break would do me good but I am scared that if we have a break that will be it. Although I don’t think I have any choice at the moment as he has said he wants it. I even am prepared to spend a lot of money sending him to a Narconon rehab centre but don’t think he will go as it is for 3 months and he has a responsible job. Maybe fate will decide for me but I am praying for a positive outcome xx

              • #26599
                faithnotfear
                Participant

                Unfortunately the more you help them, the less responsible they become for their own actions.

                We clear up their messes.

                They only will stop when they decide to stop. Some never stop. I’m one of the *lucky* ones. It’s always going to loom over me though, potentially waiting to pounce. If it does, im ready!

              • #26610
                confused23
                Participant

                I have known my husband since we were young and we dated in middle school and were very close until he had to move away and then we had lost touch. Well after that I needed up with someone for 13 years and very abusive I finally left that and was able to get out of it. Then I reconnected with my husband now and started talking again etc. we have been married almost 3 years. We I had gotten with him he was sober and a recovering addict from meth then it went from that to back to using meth and cocaine. Well he stopped all of it and the last year or so he’s been having a hard time staying away. I left him in July of last year and went back home to my family cause he was using cocaine pretty bad well he cleaned up and I came back in oct of last year and it started all over again and I actually caught him in the act. Now he has stopped again I do drug tests etc so just trying to take it day by day! But I’m going through stuff with my brother being in the hospital very Sick due to drugs also so my anxiety just goes crazy etc. I love my husband so very much but to him I stay on his ass but I’m not just trying to help him

    • #26178
      ash2013
      Participant

      Hi Debbie,

      My husband was testing positive for a couple of weeks, but after a week the line was obviously fainter, he was using daily for a long period before this. So in order for a test to still show 2 weeks later, he’s either still doing it, or he’s been using a shed load. I would guess the first, but only you can tell.

      I would look for signs like lack of appetite, and mood swings. I could tell because one of my husbands eyes was always more dilated than the other, they tend to favour one nostril.

      Please take care of yourself sweetheart, you need to think about you xx

    • #26179
      ash2013
      Participant

      Hi Debbie,

      My husband was testing positive for a couple of weeks, but after a week the line was obviously fainter, he was using daily for a long period before this. So in order for a test to still show 2 weeks later, he’s either still doing it, or he’s been using a shed load. I would guess the first, but only you can tell.

      I would look for signs like lack of appetite, and mood swings. I could tell because one of my husbands eyes was always more dilated than the other, they tend to favour one nostril.

      Please take care of yourself sweetheart, you need to think about you xx

      • #26185
        Lizzie52
        Participant

        Thank you for your words of support – it means a lot. I can’t look at my husbands pupils as he has really dark brown eyes!! The line was really strong today and as yuk as it is that I had to do this it was taken from urine in the loo which is obviously mixed with water as he doesn’t flush in order to not wake me. He definitely had mood swings yesterday and wasn’t hungry whereas normally he will eat anything I offer him so I suppose those are 2 tell tale signs as much as I don’t want to believe them. I just want it all to go away and enjoy my marriage as it should be. I want to wake up and be happy rather than spending every waking moment worrying about him and constantly searching for clues which I know I need to stop but the trust has gone.

        xx

    • #26182
      ash2013
      Participant

      Hi Debbie,

      My husband was testing positive for a couple of weeks, but after a week the line was obviously fainter, he was using daily for a long period before this. So in order for a test to still show 2 weeks later, he’s either still doing it, or he’s been using a shed load. I would guess the first, but only you can tell.

      I would look for signs like lack of appetite, and mood swings. I could tell because one of my husbands eyes was always more dilated than the other, they tend to favour one nostril.

      Please take care of yourself sweetheart, you need to think about you xx

    • #26192
      potterfam
      Participant

      It’s such a hard thing to process having a loved one who is an addict. I personally have tried to separate myself from the situation. My addict is attending regular support groups and saying they are determined to get better but at the moment I cannot believe anything they say. Part of me does not doubt the intentions they have but for my own sanity I cannot allow myself to be sucked into the rabbit hole of the lies if it turns out not to be a ‘true’ recovery.

      Where possible try to protect yourself and your family from any financial fall out from your partner by seeking advice from a professional.

      I understand your feelings of loving your partner but if he is addicted to coke his brains been hijacked. It sounds like he needs help but please look after yourself in this situation. Sending lots of well wishes and support

      • #26696
        jopack
        Participant

        When you say cocaine hijacks the brain…please explain to me how? I’m adamant my partner of 13 years is on coke. I haven’t seen hard evidence but all the signs are there. I’ve also found he’s been living a double life with another girl and has left me for this person he doesn’t know….plus I think she’s love bombing him which doesn’t help. He’s behaviour and attitude is VERY out of character and hes very anti cheating and I’m trying to piece it all together. I don’t know if she’s fuelling and controlling all his poor decisions.

    • #26300
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      So had Christmas and my family were here but I still suspected him so horribly I tested his urine again with cocaine strips from amazon from 23rd until today and everyone has come up positive. He is now with his sons in London as started work again and often stays up 2 days in London as commute is bad. He said to me yesterday that I seemed really quiet over last few days but that is because I don’t know how to deal with the fact that he has been taking cocaine again even though a few weeks ago he saw how much it affected me with my panic attack and shaking. He has been quite distant with me while his 3 sons have been down since Boxing Day but as soon as they left he became affectionate again and again today by text. I am so so not sure how I go from here. it’s destroying me and feel so down even though this situation has resorted to me taking antidepressants x

    • #26309
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      So had Christmas and my family were here but I still suspected him so horribly I tested his urine again with cocaine strips from amazon from 23rd until today and everyone has come up positive. He is now with his sons in London as started work again and often stays up 2 days in London as commute is bad. He said to me yesterday that I seemed really quiet over last few days but that is because I don’t know how to deal with the fact that he has been taking cocaine again even though a few weeks ago he saw how much it affected me with my panic attack and shaking. He has been quite distant with me while his 3 sons have been down since Boxing Day but as soon as they left he became affectionate again and again today by text. I am so so not sure how I go from here. it’s destroying me and feel so down even though this situation has resorted to me taking antidepressants x

      • #26589
        ash2013
        Participant

        Hi Debbie,

        I missed this message earlier on, so sorry.

        You aren’t alone, and its so so hard, I get it. Its hard to know what hes really doing but to be unable to raise it. You can only hide your emotions for a while and somewhen you’ll just blurt it out. Well thats what happened to me anyway!

        Bottom line – The question I guess you need to ask yourself if, can you live like this, being married to a coke addict? Because thats what you have to deal with, and obviously he’s in denial that he has an issue because he’s still lying to you. Some people can deal with it and get on with life. I couldnt and I didnt want to, and thankfully eventually he stopped. But i’m talking years and years on and off, mostly on.

        He is 2 years clean, but I still have dreams revolving around it, I still have that nagging worry in my head that it’ll start again. I don’t think i’ll ever get over it.

        Basically, if I hadn’t had a child with him, I would have left, for sure. And thankfully it worked out, but it might not have done.

        Nobody would tell you what to do, or judge you. You deserve to be happy and content with life, and if he’s stopping you being able to do that, then theres your answer.

        Sending love x

    • #26601
      redfox20
      Participant

      Just watched an amazing video on YouTube it’s so insightful to help you understand it’s called why can’t an addict stop using by cornerstone of recovery. I feel like everyone on needs to watch it! Let me know if any of you do sending love xx

    • #26602
      redfox20
      Participant

      Just watched an amazing video on You tube it’s so insightful to help you understand it’s called why can’t an addict stop using by cornerstone of recovery. I feel like everyone on here needs to watch it! Let me know if any of you do sending love xx

      • #26603
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        aw thanks , I’ll take a look.

        my husband and i have had a great many deep conversations about it all and i think i understand as much as he does, yet he doesn’t fully understand his behaviour himself either. It’s crazy really. I can up to a point understand why in a relationship one person might hurt the other, but his kids got hurt too and i know it eats him up having wasted their precious years doing drugs. he is making up for it now though thankfully.

        xxx

        • #26609
          redfox20
          Participant

          This video will really help you both. It explains it perfectly and really helps make you sense of it all. No problem let me know what you think of it! ???? xx

      • #26605
        Lizzie52
        Participant

        Hi – just watched it – as you say it is very insightful and it makes me understand a lot more and I too would recommend anyone to watch it. Thank you Redfox x

        • #26606
          faithnotfear
          Participant

          hi debbie,

          i was thinking about your situation and that you were surprised he didn’t care how upset he had made you.. this will sound a bit brutal but from my experience they couldn’t care less about our feelings… my husband was absolutely and completely heartless throughout active addiction, he looked at me like he hated me and speaking to him now, in that frame of mind he was in.. he did hate me at that time. he made me want to die, and he knew it, and he couldn’t give a shit…. he just wanted me to shut up and go away so he could use…. if anything the more upset i was the more he hated me and used that as an excuse to take more drugs… he didn’t care about my feelings, he didn’t care about the kids feelings either… it took months for him being completely clean to really start to acknowledge all this too… months and months.. the drugs make them into a heartless shell of a person… this is the reality of loving an addict… it’s horrible and ugly and painful… sorry to be so brutal x

          • #26607
            Lizzie52
            Participant

            I know – he says things that are so obvious to me but as if I don’t understand what he’s saying and he keeps repeating as if I am a child. There’s no point to say anything back as he won’t listen to me. I think he goes like this when he is taking drugs. I hate that I have become so paranoid and suspicious and searching for signs all the time and now I have confronted him I feel awful that I have maybe damaged a marriage and wish I hadn’t said anything. How I wish I had a magic genie who could tell me my future x

            • #26633
              ash2013
              Participant

              Hi Debbie,

              How was your weekend? Probably a silly question!

              I just read Faithnotfears post about her husband and how he was, and she’s nailed it. I look back on the few photos I have of my husband when he was using, and the angst on his face is obvious, he didnt want to be around me, he hated me because I wanted him to stop using drugs. I felt like the enemy, I questioned myself all the time, why am I not good enough? why wont he look at what he has at home? how can he do this to his child? I pretty much turned into a single mother, but with all the shit to deal with from his moods, going out and not coming home, the lies, the cheating, my life was a miserable existence. I couldnt rely on him to do anything, I couldnt do my job properly because I couldnt ever be away from home, I couldnt even ask for his help to collect his child from school ever because I was worried he would do it high.

              The reality is that the person you love is in there, but it may take a long time to get him out, and in the meantime you are existing when you should be living. You only get one life. If I knew then what I know now, I would have chosen a different path when I first knew there was a problem, but I didnt.

              I love him, and I’m so thankful that he’s recovered, and is 2+ years clean, I thank my lucky stars every single day. But the memories are slow to fade.

              x

              • #26635
                Lizzie52
                Participant

                Hi well I told him I had been testing him etc on Thursday night and got a barrage of texts saying he was speechless and that I didn’t understand his work stresses and that I had been sneaking around testing him and that he wanted space and that Christmas was so stressful and that his family were very different to mine and that all I cared about was money which is so far from the truth. basically calling us snobs which I’m not etc etc etc I’m sure you can imagine. Anyway he came home on Friday and we didn’t discuss anything then on Saturday night it all blew up again and he said he was leaving tomorrow and began packing some things. The next morning we talked again and he was in floods of tears saying he wanted to kill himself and that he had hit rock bottom so we took the dogs for a walk and talked more . To cut a long story short he has made an oath to me and himself that he will never touch cocaine again. Time will tell but I am praying for the future xx

              • #26636
                ash2013
                Participant

                That sounds positive 🙂

                He needs to understand that its not him that you dont like/trust, its the drug and what that makes him. When my husband had the lightbulb moment, we agreed that I would test him regularly, and because he had stopped he was fine with that agreement. His tests was positive for a week or so, then the line was fainter, and I think at about 10 days it was negative. I also could just tell he wasn’t using.

                Take care of him, feed him good food regularly, keeping full up is important, if alcohol is a trigger its worth abstaining from that too (my husband cannot drink now as for him the two went together, not all the time, but most of it)

                I truly hope that he can do this, he needs to see he has your support, and that you are not the enemy, you just want your husband back.

                Good luck xx

              • #26637
                faithnotfear
                Participant

                gosh debbie, that’s a hell of a breakthrough there, if he is starting to admit there’s a problem. giving up might not be so easy though, that drug has a very strong grip.. do you think he might try getting into ca? he might not manage to stop on his own x

              • #26638
                ash2013
                Participant

                I agree with FaithNotFear, its a tough drug to kick. Its also very easy to talk the talk and to make promises because at the time the addict actually believes what they are saying, but the compulsion to do it often wins. Its like living with a devil on your shoulder.

                I firmly believe that lockdown helped my husband kick his addiction, because he wasnt able to go out for those first few months, and then he didnt want to.

                He didnt get any professional help, but he did have to totally change how he lived. He had to tell ‘friends’ that this was his decision, he had to stop people visiting him at work that he knew used still. Its hard work, he struggled with sleeping for months, his dreams were vivid and always revolved around cocaine, the demons were there trying to get him to do it, his nose was tingling, like reminding him.

                I hope Debbie’s husband can do it, but I know plenty of people who have tried and failed, but continued to use and lie about it.

                x

              • #26642
                faithnotfear
                Participant

                i have to say ash that you’re a very brave woman, braver than me as the day i found out it was a case of you got yourself (and all of us who love you) into this mess and you can sort this now, yourself. I’ll be there to a point but it’s your responsibility. I then rang the ca and passed his details and they got in touch that day. his first meeting was the next day online. i insisted on daily then weekend drug tests and could not have lived another second with him on that stuff. thanks to ca being such an amazing organisation he has turned his life around. they teach them and remind them that their behaviour is the problem, not just the drugs. drugs are a small part of it on some ways.

                you are very brave to have tolerated so much in the name of family.

                I’m glad i stuck by my husband in a lot of ways, but like you… if i knew then what i know now things would have been very different.. and if kids weren’t involved id have immediately run to the opposite end of the earth.

                but we are where we are and it’s an ongoing process dealing with the outfall and clawing our own selves back out from the wreckage.

                i dreamed the other night i was trapped under a garage door and the water was rising, i managed to just get out in time. no prizes for working out thst meaning.

                lindyloo, thank you for your posting… I’ve read a fair few posts here and can’t imagine how desperate it must feel to see your child in the grip of this addiction. thank goodness for ca xx

          • #27565
            stephie86
            Participant

            I’m so glad I came across this response, as this is how I’m feeling now. My now ex as of recent didn’t really care that she was hurting me, and now we’ve split up she seems to even care less about anything she has done, so cold towards me and like I’m an inconvenience to her and I’ve taken it so personally. I think this hurts more than the shock of finding out she was using crack! So this has really helped me put some perspective into it, thank you so much

            • #27630
              faithnotfear
              Participant

              Glad to be of service! Just so sorry that you know exactly what i mean because you’ve borne the brunt of it. It’s a horrible place to be, in a way if your relationship has ended because of this, closure will be harder to find.

              At least my husband sees now with a clear mind how vile his behaviour was and has apologised, it goes a very long way towards helping me not question everything i think or feel as for a while i really felt like i was losing my mind.

              I hope you have a good support network around you and send you much love.

              This life is absolutely not what we dreamed of growing up us it!?

              Take care x

        • #26608
          redfox20
          Participant

          Hi Debbie, he explains it perfectly doesn’t he. Glad it helped you! You’re welcome ???? xx

    • #26604
      potterfam
      Participant

      It’s the hardest thing to be part of the chaos around addiction. They are so caught up in keeping their addiction hidden and alive they cannot see what is going on. For your own sanity and health maybe some time on your own would help. Try to do things just for you and see people who you love to be around. Until he recognises he has a problem it’s impossible to help. He has to get there by himself. It is so so hard being caught up in it all

    • #26639
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      I know but am at the moment trying to be optimistic and he’s aware that I will randomly test him. I’m going to give it a couple of weeks to hopefully get all signs of the drug out of his system and then will start testing. I am also going to ask him if he will attend online meetings at ca as it will hopefully make him realise the world that he is living in. I’ll keep you all posted and thank you for your wise words and care xx

      • #26640
        lindyloo
        Participant

        Hi all, I’ve been reading your thread, I hope you don’t mind. I usually post on the Theresa thread, as we all have sons with addictions.

        Thankfully my 29yr son is currently 7 months clean. A lot of it is determination and strength, but he couldn’t have done it and continued it without regular CA meetings. He said that he needs to go regularly as its his”medicine” to get well and stay clean.

        The fellowship guys are so supportive, he can no longer drink with his usual friends any more as it will trigger him into using again. The alcohol is a trigger to wanting cocaine.

        I hope this helps, we’re all here to support each other where we can.

        I wish you well with your addicted loved ones.

        Look after yourselves and your family.

        Lx ❤

        • #26641
          redfox20
          Participant

          Hi Lindyloo so glad to hear how well your son is doing. May i ask what took him to get to that point? Did he hit the cliche “rock bottom” really looking for hope that my children’s father does recover.

          • #26645
            lindyloo
            Participant

            Hi RedFox, he was ready to lose his job, no job = no flat=no car= no money to clear mountain of debt.

            He wasn’t attending work, hanging with gf who was negative influence ie drinks, drugs, mental health issues. Thankfully, they parted, we helped with the debt, he joined AA and CA groups.

            He has relapsed a few times but this is the longest spell now.

            He can’t drink alcohol anymore or hang out with his regular friends or this will trigger him. It’s complete abstinence from booze.

            He told me he needed to know he was loved, but only hate what trouble the addiction was causing.

            You have to love them unconditionally, but at the same time let them know that some situations are unacceptable. Boundaries I guess.

            Every day is a battle for them, its so hard stopping this evil drug. But what’s the alternative?

            I pray every day there gets the strength to get through it.

            Sending you hugs and prayers,

            Lx ❤

    • #26646
      bella73
      Participant

      I’ve been reading all your family coke problems, I wondered if anyone could answer for me, my ex! Yep we split up over coke, we’ll he said he is sitting himself, we have been seeing each other as friends, problem is he is so different, quiet, withdrawn, he was always the life and soul of the party! He is completely different, I just feel sad every time I see him. Obviously during our split he’s slept with other girls, 1 of them is 20 years younger, perfect for an older man. I wanted to know all the girls he’s been with are on coke, is that what makes them like them cause they do coke? Is it better for them having someone else on their high?? All new to me, so confused and soo sad! Was together 26 years!!! Any advice please!!!

      • #26653
        ash2013
        Participant

        Hi Bella, and welcome 🙂

        Once someone who uses Coke becomes addicted, you need to think of cocaine as being in charge. That person’s whole life becomes consumed with getting it, being on it, and largely trying to hide it too.

        I’ve been with my husband for 16 years, married for 12, and he’s cheated, sometimes with a younger woman, but also one the same age as me, but always when high, and those other women either used or were happy for him to be doing so, whereas I wasn’t.

        Frankly it doesnt say a lot for their own moral standards, especially as they knew he was married with a then very small child. One of them even tried to tell me that they were just friends as he needed someone to talk to!! What? About his wife who wont allow him to use cocaine!

        Your partners brain is now wired differently, and yes, he’s sad now, but in time his brain will start to function normally again. It depends what you want, I forgave my husband because I knew deep down that all his faults and f**k ups were down to coke. I hate it with a passion now, and I really wish there was more education about this awful drug because it is glamourised, and its far from that!

        Take care of yourself xx

        • #26697
          jopack
          Participant

          My partner of 13 years has been acting odd and he gas lighted me as I worked out he was having an affair. But I know there is something else going on…I now think cocaine. All the signs and symptoms are there. Well he’s just left me, our new home and has literally shut me out and blocked me on everything. Shown no remorse or anything. This new girl I strongly believe is having a major influence on him and controlling his every move so I wonder if she is also on cocaine for him to do what he’s done as he’s very anti cheating and has lived a double life for a few months.

          His behaviour and attitude is so out of character. I’ve never seen him like this in all the years we’ve been together. It’s like a monster has possessed him. I always wondered if he had a mental condition and if he’s either had a breakdown as well as doing cocaine to make him do all the things he is doing.

          • #26711
            faithnotfear
            Participant

            hi jopack

            from what you say it is definitely possible that your partner has some kind of substance use disorder, but this does not necessarily indicate cocaine addiction. the dark wee and yellowed eyes seem more like an alcohol related issue to me as it’s liver problems and severe dehydration which would cause that sort of symptom. if you get the drug test strips of amazon the next time he leaves it in the toilet you could dip to get a result. the ones we had showed thc (cannabis), opioids and cocaine.

            i take it you’ve asked him straight out and he’s presumably denied it? could you insist he does a drug test?

            i am sorry to read your story and feel great sympathy that your dreams are falling apart in front of your face. it’s a horrible, sickening feeling.

            do you have anyone in your family or his that you can talk to/get support?

            i think my husband had somewhat of a breakdown over work which caused him to slip into addiction but it was a very gradual worsening situation snd didn’t just happen overnight. it’s no excuse either and cocaine didn’t make him be an a****le, he was being one already and the drugs made him think temporarily he felt better, but at the same time much worse … it’s complicated!!!!!

            cocaine doesn’t make you do anything, it’s up to them to admit the problem and get help. addiction is not a choice but recovery is!

            good luck as cocaine/ alcohol/ gambling/ mental health issues can take a huge toll on us in life and you sound as if you’re having a nightmare.

            keep us posted if you feel up to it x

    • #26647
      bella73
      Participant

      Sorting himself

      • #26652
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        hi bella,

        welcome to our conversation and I’m sorry you too have found yourself in this horrible corner.

        it sounds as if he’s spending time with other users because he knows he can be more open about his drug use…. they may well be addicts or teetering on the brink of addiction themselves..

        if you’re anything like me you will disapprove of their drug use and so they will hide it from us.

        unfortunately these drugs do change their personality when they are constantly using them.

        I’m sorry that after 26 years you are going through this. we have been together 18 years and it was the worst shock I’ve ever had discovering what my husband had been doing behind my back.

        x

    • #26656
      bella73
      Participant

      Is the sadness from the comedown or because what he’s done, he’s still won’t talk to me about it, it’s really frustrating! I found out he’d been using coke behind my back for 2 years and had no idea!!! Am I thick or what?? I think I trusted him and never thought he would do that, may I add he’s insulin dependent diabetic also, which makes my blood boil, that he could do something so stupid as come on top of his diabetes!!! He’s last message read I will never hurt you again!!! So sad, I feel so low and depressed with it all, doesn’t help that I’m bipolar myself, but it’s never caused a problem except when I was initially diagnosed. ????

      • #26663
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        hi bella

        you are definitely not thick, he didn’t want you to know what he was doing- they are very sly about using this drug.

        lots of us thought there was something wrong with our loved ones and didn’t even imagine they’d be doing what they turned out to be doing. my husband used behind my back for 2.5 years and when i found out i was completely and utterly shocked. a lot of things suddenly made sense though – mood swings, avoiding me and sleeping late etc.

        it really did knock me for six though. i had a bit of a breakdown and have since been diagnosed with ptsd. i was on sleeping tablets and anti depressants for a few months but now almost one year on, I’m feeling a bit better. i have been doing talking therapy too, which helps.

        are you coping okay? also is your husband managing to stop or donyou think he might need extra support? cocaine is a very difficult drug to quit.

        we’re all here in more or less the same boat so feel free to come on and ask us anything or even just vent.

        xx

    • #26657
      bella73
      Participant

      He was using coke 2 years behind my back, I didn’t have a clue, was I stupid or what, I think it boils down to trust and never thought he would do something so stupid as that, I didn’t mention before that he’s also insulin dependent diabetic, I always tried to take care of that with his diet too, and there he is abusing his diabetes with coke! I’m so sad and angry, and depressed also! Is the sadness because he’s coming of the coke, or because of the things he’s done whilst using? He won’t talk about it which is so frustrating, I think I’m owed that at least ????

      • #26658
        ash2013
        Participant

        He is likely in a spiral of self loathing and depression, but he can get out of it. The best way to approach it is calmly and in an understanding way. As much as you want to shake him and shout and scream, don’t bother, it wont go in.

        The sadness is probably the guilt and also coming off it, its a pretty crap mental state to be in.

        If you think he can stop and you still want to be with him then you have to support him, and not keep dragging up his behaviour, because he can’t do anything about that now, all he can do is be a better person again, free of coke and to start living. He is probably also thinking about all the money he has wasted, its not a cheap addiction to have.

        I dont know how coke affects diabetics. My husband was using coke and vallium to come down in a pointless effort to hide it from me, so he had two addictions to work on. It was a crappy few months, but he did it, and its like living with a different person now.

    • #26659
      bella73
      Participant

      I don’t bring up the past now, was initially when I first found out, was so angry and hurt that he was sneakily doing it behind my back! I love him so much and can only dream things will work out for us! I’m so happy for your end result, you must be so happy, and we’ll done too him too, by reading about cocaine I understand it’s such an addictive drug to get off! ❤️

      • #26661
        ash2013
        Participant

        How long ago did you find out? Its like your world has crashed around you isnt it.

        One saving grace is that as soon as you found out he’s made a commitment to you, many people (including me) live on a rollercoaster for years not really knowing what the problem is, then knowing and trying to fix it, then thinking you are going mad because he’s changed and you dont want to believe he’s back on it, but deep down you know.

        It is highly addictive, moreso psychologically addictive than what I would think were the worst drugs like heroin or meth. Coke is a sly drug, people can use it every now and then and carry on with life, never doing it one day and not being an addict, but for others, they cross the wall to addiction. I suppose its like being a social drinker, then an alcoholic, not everyone that drinks alcohol becomes an alcoholic, in the same way that not everyone who uses coke becomes addicted. But sadly I hear about it happening more and more these days. 🙁

        My husband is 2 years clean now, of alcohol and cocaine, he’s doing amazing. I’m sure theres a niggle saying I could do it one night and i’d be ok…. but he wouldn’t. Once you’ve crossed the wall and become an addict, you’ll never go back to being able to do it once a year. xx

    • #26664
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Bella – there is a YouTube video that Redfox put up called ‘why can’t an addict stop using by cornerstone of recovery’. I found it really helpful to understand addiction a bit more than I know. x

    • #26667
      bella73
      Participant

      FaithNotFear thank you I really appreciate it and yes debbieg2020 I have watched the YouTube video I’ve been reading through all the messages on here and saw someone put it up to watch, very interesting watch! ????

    • #26668
      she
      Participant

      I’ve just been catching up on all the posts . @debbie I’m so sorry your going through a very tough time. And Bella you are not thick . We have all gone through the times when we think we are the problem as we are told we are only to find they have abused drugs. I’ve lived through hell for only maybe 5 years but it’s been absolute awful.

      My husband has been coke clean since 27th Aug 21 smoke free for 6 weeks and no alcohol free 3 days . Its on step at a time. He’s now so much nicer and he’s back to bring the MaN I love .

      I do sti think and have nightmares it will return but for now he’s doing well x if you think there’s hope grab it

    • #26669
      she
      Participant

      I’ve just been catching up on all the posts . @debbie I’m so sorry your going through a very tough time. And Bella you are not thick . We have all gone through the times when we think we are the problem as we are told we are only to find they have abused drugs. I’ve lived through hell for only maybe 5 years but it’s been absolute awful.

      My husband has been coke clean since 27th Aug 21 smoke free for 6 weeks and no alcohol free 3 days . Its on step at a time. He’s now so much nicer and he’s back to bring the MaN I love .

      I do sti think and have nightmares it will return but for now he’s doing well x if you think there’s hope grab it

    • #26758
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      My husband has been taking cocaine behind my back and maybe before we even met (4 years ago). It finally came to a head as I had been testing his wee where he didn’t flush in the morning to avoid waking me since before Christmas until now. 2 weeks ago tomorrow I told him I knew he had been taking it again despite promising me a few weeks before I started testing him that he would never do it again. At first when I told him he was really angry with me blaming me etc etc then the opposite of total remorse, hating himself etc then making an oath that he will never take it again. Anyway in the last 2 weeks of him off cocaine he has been really sarcastic and nasty to me and then on Monday blew up at me in a way that I had never experienced before in my life – so belittling, accusing me of faking an illness (that I had to go to hospital for) – I wouldn’t be so nasty even to someone I despised. My question is that is this normal behaviour as mostly I have read that the partners taking cocaine are nasty, moody etc etc xx

    • #26764
      potterfam
      Participant

      Hello. I would certainly say the behaviour you’re describing is what I experienced with my partner when he was using. I found he would belittle me and change in character especially if I called him out for his behaviour or if I noticed something suspicious. I also found my partner would smirk and goad me. It’s such a destructive drug. I’m having to try and work out who my partner actually is now

    • #26765
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Yes but he is doing it probably worse now he has stopped using which I know he is doing as am testing him x

    • #26766
      potterfam
      Participant

      I definitely found that my partner would get angry and be unpleasant when they started to go without it. Maybe the effects of coming clean?

    • #26772
      jamesb
      Participant

      Hi ladies, I hope you are all okay. I’ve been reading the last few pages and wanted to say this…

      When I was at my worst, I was a disgusting partner, I never cheated, it’s not something I personally could ever do but the lies and the argumentative stuff was there. I would get so caught up in my own lies and the story I spun that when she questioned me, I would make out that she’s the bad person for not believing me, I’d manipulate any situation into her being to blame whilst all along it was completely fabricated. Someone mentioned about how cocaine high Jack’s the brain. And I wish there was a way for people who haven’t been addicts to experience what it’s like. Imagine a tiny little creature was inside you and sat in your head like at the Controls of an aeroplane. It’s your body it’s your mouth talking but what you are saying isn’t you, you say things that you never thought you where capable of, you call names you shout you become someone who if you met on the street you would consider vermin but somehow those things still come from your mouth. Despite all of that I loved my partner more than anything and would die trying to give her everything she deserved when I was sober but then somehow when I was craving or when I was on it I turned into the most vile human being.

      I guess the purpose of this comment is to tell you that your partners still love you and the person you love is still in there somewhere so please do everything you can to help them on their journey to getting clean.

      Stay strong but still know that there is a point where you may have to walk away but if your partners are anything like me, they want nothing more than to get clean and spend their days loving you in a world without addiction. It’s just the hardest thing in this world to do

      • #26776
        Lizzie52
        Participant

        Hi James – thank you so much for sharing your message. It was really insightfull. My husband who I love dearly sounds exactly like you were. Sometimes I hear what he is saying to me and how he is acting and think if I was watching a film I would be shocked at how that man was behaving to his wife. Were you also like this when you were coming off cocaine as he is almost worse or at his worse. It’s like he is so resentful to me for finding out again and him having to stop. It is so so good that you have managed to come off it. I will be there to support my husband. I don’t know the whole truth but I think he has been on it most of the time that we have been together on and off. He is also so in debt but again I don’t know how much. I’m praying for a good ending to all this x

        • #26777
          ash2013
          Participant

          Hi Debbie,

          Its hard to understand why he’s being like he is, but I would think that his little devil that wants him to use again is either goading him to spoil for a fight, that’ll be an excuse to use. Or he’s simply struggling, so maybe his problem was worse than you thought? Personally I don’t remember my husband being like that when he was coming off of it, but everyones experience will be different.

          When you say you’re testing him, were his tests still positive for a few days? My husbands were for about 2 weeks, but after a week the line was feinter, and feinter every day until it disappeared.

          I’m not suggesting he’s cheating the tests, but is that possible?

          x

      • #26778
        redfox20
        Participant

        Hi James, thank you for checking in & giving us your perspective of things to help us understand an ease our pain a little, it’s so insightful seeing it from the other side it really is. Can I ask you said when sober you would do anything for your partner do you mean before your addiction or in between using?

        • #26802
          jamesb
          Participant

          Hi mate, thanks for your reply.

          To answer your question of did I mean I’d do anything for her before the using in general or in between using…..

          I guess (as bad as it sounds to me to admit) in between using….

          The hard part to explain is that despite my drug use and the years or lies to her and the secrets and everything that came along with the addiction.

          I loved her with every part of my being. But I have to be honest and tell you that’s when “I” was in control of brain.

          Its important to know that not every time we use is a crazy bender that lasts a week and causes a huge row. Obviously we get away with hiding it for years mostly so alot of the times it would go like this…..

          I’d be at work, I’d be craving, I’d tell her a little white lie “I’m going to stay late tonight” but the truth was I’d leave early and go get something and sit in my car and use. I’d go home at say 10pm, tell her I’m sorry for working late and thank her for being understanding. I’d kiss her, cuddle her and look at her with the same love any man who didn’t have a dark secret looked at their partner.

          Then there’s the more intense situations, like when I’d be questioned because I had slipped up and my lie didn’t make sense. I’d be so nasty, if call her names, I’d play the victim, I’d make out like she was wrong for not trusting me when all I’m doing is working hard to support her when in fact that wasn’t true as I wasn’t at work.

          That was the addict talking, I didn’t mean the things I said, I didn’t even acknowledge that I said them. And the addict part of me learnt to ignore all of that and do what ever I had to, to make sure I could satisfy my cravings.

          But none of it was to hurt her.

          When I wanted to use, it was like she was in the way. An obstacle I had to overcome. But the next day, all I would want to do is love her and treat her right.

          What’s sad about it is that I never seemed to feel any guilt. That’s probably because the addict part of me wouldn’t allow me to.

          But now I look back I am disgust by the way I treated her, she didn’t deserve any of it.

          I hope that kind of gives an insight in some way.

          Feel free to ask me anything you want to know and I’ll try my best to answer x

          • #26804
            redfox20
            Participant

            Hi James, how are you doing? How’s your recovery going? Hope it’s going well. Thank you for your reply, so you didn’t feel differently towards her when in active addiction? I ask this as I feel how can someone still love someone the same but hurt them so bad, i also know this is the harsh reality of addiction. You say you never felt guilt, did you feel shame? My ex would apologise before he disappeared and say “sorry I f****d up again” is this normal he says as soon as he took the drug he knew he messed up and what the consequences would be? Now he’s completely cut me off after a relapse before Christmas hasn’t been in touch with me or the kids for 3 weeks now I think he’s lost he’s job but not in a good place. I’ve rescued him from rock bottom before and it hasn’t got me anywhere he’s got back on he’s feet than back to using. I have tried everything offering advice, support, trying to have talks about it he’s very defensive and shuts down just says I can do it myself, i think he has now learnt he can’t. Did you have a rock bottom? X

            • #27106
              confused23
              Participant

              This is where I’m at with my husband same thing as you are with yours! He’s played me to think he’s sober over the past few weeks when I’m reality he’s been using and I caught him yesterday. I’m so hurt and torn and I tried the whole boundaries thing and he doesn’t respect those or go by them I’m lost and don’t know what else to do at this point.

              • #27111
                redfox20
                Participant

                Hey, it’s so hard isn’t it. Especially if they don’t respect your boundaries, If they are serious then you may have to distance or cut him off as addict or not he needs to respect those. I really try and see them as two people and blame the addict for certain behaviours but of course that in no way makes it acceptable but i find it makes it easier to understand the behaviour, i find again this is what works with me as I have to deal with him due to having children together. Hope this helps xx

              • #27190
                confused23
                Participant

                I sat down and talked with him calmly and tried to understand from his side and let him know the at I was here for him but idk if that even means anything to him really right now. He has been doing better but has been avoiding going to celebrate recovery like he agreed to do and said he needed. It’s like no matter how much I’m here for him I’m still the enemy and the outsider and idk what to do anymore I’m lost and just at the point where I want to give up cause I have been doing it over and over. I dealt with addiction with my brother for 12 years and now I’m doing it with my husband and I’m just tired. I have no one I can talk to just myself and I have my own mental issues from my situation now and my last relationship of 13 years that was full of abuse. What do I do? How do I deal with it.

          • #26812
            kittenmitten
            Participant

            Hi James, I came on here today because of feeling hurt and at a loss towards my husband. I have to say your words helped me. Its so hard to live with an addict and at times it just hurts my brain – but what you say and how you write it makes sense. And although I know all that it was good to read it.

            The part where you said you didn’t feel guilty for what you said was interesting. It all is part of it. That an argument is never worth having and finding a way to deal with his behaviour that keeps everyone safe is truly the only answer.

      • #37892
        topheavy32
        Participant

        Hi, James. Hope that you are able to see this. I am in a very, eerily similar position and would love to chat.

    • #27150
      bobs
      Participant

      been reading this i kown its My husband and cocaine YES now try this tell him to get it give to you give him a little bit and thats it tell him he going get mad when you tell him no more {chasing} understand he get mad make sure you tell him thats whats going to happen and be there and tell him that all ok and now do his bit little by little less then less then see what happens

    • #27161
      paul0572
      Participant

      So sorry to hear all your stories . But the fact of the matter is that you can’t help them and that’s the bottom line .

      They need months in rehab if they agree to go. Then soon as they come out all the triggers are around them , also when they say they are going to the shop/store you won’t believe them .

      Addicts don’t just destroy them selfs they destroy eveyone around them .

      Theres a few people on here who have gotten away from cocaine but in reality there’s millions of people who havnt and it’s destroying there and loved one’s life as we speak .

      My advice is ask him to go to rehab . If he doesn’t want to go. Then you walk away and build your own life until they are ready to admit they have a problem and get the help they need .

      Theres no point in checking his phone , bank account , checking his cards and notes to see if you can catch him out ? Do you think by catching him that will make him stop ? You will just send yourself crazy and h will be using again ….

    • #27266
      confused23
      Participant

      I just caught my husband red handed! I’m so frustrated he’s still lying! He makes me feel like such an awful person when he’s doing wrong….when does it end? How long does it take.. He talks as if it’s so easy to just give it all up but yet he’s still doing it. He’s already lost his job etc. idk what to do. I’m looking for a job so I can do what’s needs for my kids. The mental and emotional stuff this shit does to me is so exhausting. I’m trying so hard and I have been very understanding and trying to help him but yet he still hides it and is still lying. What give??? I have no one to talk to and getting to the point I’m just frustrated at this point

    • #27283
      klouab
      Participant

      I’ve just sat and read all these posts after my partner lied to me again on Friday night about buying cocaine, even though I saw messages on his What’s app between him and his dealer. He’s currently sleeping on the sofa and I tried to discuss it with him this morning but was told to ‘shut up’. I’m at the point where I think I’m going to have to ask him to leave.

      We’ve been together 5 years, he told me not long after we met that he did it recreationally but over the years he’s become reliant on it. He continually lies, has stolen thousands of pounds from me (including when I was seriously ill in hospital after having our daughter) but won’t accept that he’s an addict. He holds down a job, and gets drug tested but because it’s offshore he just stops taking in time for going away. He once almost got caught out and he went sober for a while, but he just thinks he’s cleverer than the system. His brother and his mates all do cocaine, so I just can’t ever see an end to it.

      The last straw for me came on Friday when he took our 4 yr old ‘to the shop’ where he met his dealer and then told her not to tell me. I can’t have her around that and risk social services getting involved. I know I need to leave him but I’m miles away from family and rely on him for childcare when he’s at home. Not sure what the point is to my post, but hoping people here will understand as I can’t speak to my friends and family because of the shame. I don’t know that I want to end the relationship, because when it’s good, it’s really good, so if I tell people they won’t ever trust him again either.

      • #27297
        notmyrealname
        Participant

        Hi completely understand all you have written, maybe you could look at other options for childcare are they entitled to nursery hours, will they be going to school in September and after school clubs may be available. It is sad when you can’t rely on someone but you’ve got to make it work on your own, in this situation. It took me a long time to speak to my sister I was so scared to tell her but I think she had guessed something was up and it was just a case of resolving the mystery for her when I told her what his problem was, as your family and friends will have noticed things they just won’t know the cause of them.it was a relief for me when I told her and I don’t worry about what she will think as it’s me who has to live this life not her and to be honest I’m much more concerned what’s going on than what a person thinks of the situation or of him, it feels better to be able to talk to someone else about it.

        If you don’t want to end the relationship then you need to do everything else you can do to protect you and your child’s safety and finances. I also think when you say when it’s good it’s good that it’s not true as it’s always a case of worrying sick when/if they will do it again which taints anything nice.

    • #27298
      notmyrealname
      Participant

      I also have one who thinks they are smarter than everyone else and the system, as the people who leach off him tell him the sun shines out of his bottom- anything to get him to spend his wages on coke for them both.

    • #27302
      notmyrealname
      Participant

      Personally I have found getting a camera doorbell reassuring to help my home feel safer, I know these people cannot come to or near my home without me knowing, you can’t stop what goes on away from your home which is why I would suggest alternative childcare options but you can at least keep your property feeling safe as for me this was an issue, I don’t mean stuff being stolen I mean not having that environment/the people they will be associating in or around my home

    • #27559
      pshoward15
      Participant

      Hi, I’m a 27 year old husband and father of 3. I’m Diagnosed with ADHD but didn’t follow up with a evaluation when I became an adult so I can’t get my meds. I’ve been using cocaine cause it made me normal and my usually complaining wife said she loves the way I’ve been lately. Usually I’m so lost and can’t find the motivation to do anything, yet I can’t sit still or focus on anything. This drug is powerful and has ahold of my soul. I finally got it together and made an appointment for tomorrow and hope I get the proper medication before this destroys my most precious thing, family.

      • #27560
        lindyloo
        Participant

        Hi Ps,

        Thank you for sharing your story and recognising that this evil drug can ruin your life.

        I have read so much on the connection between AdHd and addiction issues. Its something to do with the dopamine levels in your brain.

        I hope you get the support and advice you need.

        Take care and stay strong,

        Lx ❤️

    • #27564
      pshoward15
      Participant

      Yes ma’am, up till this point I was just a heavy smoker and drank a ridiculous amount of monsters. I wouldn’t even take pills for pain. I was really anti drugs and now all I can think about is taking a bump of cocaine. The crazy thing is I don’t even get high from it.

      • #27568
        lindyloo
        Participant

        Yep, my son is currently in early recovery. He has cocaine and alcohol addictions. He definitely has undiagnosed ocd, does everything 100%- gambling, smoking, drinking, drugs (probably sex too I imagine!)

        He reached out for support 2 years ago, when he was about to loose everything. He joined AA and CA groups, did the 12 steps program with a sponsor. The fellowship guys are so supportive. There are meetings 24/7 online , face to face etc. It’s a daily battle for him, but he says the meetings are his medicine. Currently 9 mths clean thank God.

        Read Danman83 posts, or Jamesb, they are in recovery offering support and advice too.

        Stay strong, or this drug will consume you until you’re a shell of yourself.

        Take care

        Lx ❤️

    • #27633
      sjg94
      Participant

      Hi thank you so much this is what I threaten him with and it shuts him up but lately I have been so close to actually phoning them hopefully he will see this post and possibly be able to help me with him I cannot do this anymore but I love him to bits and when his not on it his the most loving person 🙁

      • #27634
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        oh gosh x

        i can’t tell you what to do but i can tell you that i know how powerless and horrible and broken you must be feeling.

        do you have a friend or family member you can turn to as this position is very isolating and you need some real time support right now?

        remember you are not the cause of this, he has made a few bad decisions and now is completely snared in the addiction.

        you also can’t free him of it – he has to admit that he has a problem and want to get clean.

        this can be a long and difficult road for all involved.

        i never loved anyone the way i loved my husband, and i never felt anyone loved me the way he used to either.

        thinking of separating was like being punched in the chest, especially with kids involved.

        however when he was on the drugs i almost felt like we despised eachother.

        mine is now clean for 13 months, he tells me active addiction was absolute hell and i believe him, at the time he told himself he was doing no harm and it was just normal, with the clarity he now has he can see the terrible harm. he almost died on it alone downstairs and still carried on – justifying it all the way.

        mine was on it for 2.5 years and only he knew this.

        it all came out one day and he had a simple crossroads – get clean or lose everyone and everything. he made the right choice but not everyone does. if he goes back to it I’m taking the kids and going. no third chances.

        i hope it never comes to that but im always on guard.

        xx

    • #27638
      sjg94
      Participant

      It’s horrible isn’t it is there any chance your husband could talk to him via email or anything to explain how he felt? He said to me last night he wants to come clean I don’t know wether to stay and believe it or up and go.

      • #27640
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        My husband has too much on his plate already at the moment to be able to do that, plus on this forum we’re not meant to share personal details etc… but… i would 100% recommend you call cauk. There is obviously na and aa, but as my husband was using cocaine i went with ca.

        So the day it all came out i literally did not know what to do.. i went on nhs web page and somewhere in there i found the details for cocaine anonymous. i rang them straight away and spoke to a really nice, kind recovering addict who took the details and then rang me back a little while later. he then took a few more details and rang my husband. they took it from there. i made it clear to my husband he had to do the work and he did. he started meetings the next day.

        I’d say ca uk pretty much saved our lives.

        good luck x

        • #27642
          sjg94
          Participant

          Xx

          • #27646
            sjg94
            Participant

            Xxx

            • #27648
              faithnotfear
              Participant

              oh my, this sounds so bloody familiar… and it only tends to escalate x

              our home was like a war zone … i can’t believe i lived like that too… ive been pushed, shoved, hit, dragged out of bed and had stuff thrown at me. there isn’t a room without walls or doors dented in, it’s supposed to be our dream home. however houses can be fixed but people can’t always.

              please take care of yourself x

            • #27649
              faithnotfear
              Participant

              also… the shouting in the face thing is utterly horrendous… another classic … forehead to forehead… spit going all over you… utterly terrifying and awful x

              and YOU’RE NOT A BAD MUM xxx you’re caught up in something that is not your fault and you have no more power over this than he has over his addiction.

              you’re a good mum and a caring person just trying to do your best in an impossible situation.

              x

              • #27650
                sjg94
                Participant

                Thank you so much it’s nice that I’m not the only person that’s feeling like this and it’s totally normal and I’m not the issue x

              • #27651
                faithnotfear
                Participant

                unfortunately as i have discovered it’s very common x

            • #27660
              donthaveaclue
              Participant

              I’d urge you to think about leaving.

              I have stayed even though I didn’t want to and it’s only gotten progressively worse. I have been terrified to leave as he is very vindictive and the coke/crack has affected his brain so badly now that he doesn’t think rationally at all.

              The abuse I suffered during lockdown(s) when he was using and I couldn’t even get a break was extreme and has changed me for life. Our child is now old enough that even if not for me, but for them, I have to leave.

              Financially I also cannot carry on like this anymore as he has gotten us into so much debt, we are currently sinking. It will only get worse with the food price and energy price increases. Sometimes we don’t even have money for food… and that’s before these increases.

              I have been waiting to be rehoused since last summer. Hopefully I won’t have to wait much longer.

              Like one of the other posters said – our home is like a war zone too… marked walls, dents, broken furniture, broken items of mine, much of my clothing has been ripped by him grabbing at it or trying to rip it off me on purpose, phones smashed… he’s even broken toys and tipped books belonging to our child on purpose during his rages.

              I don’t want any new items in the property as they will eventually just become broken and its heartbreaking, especially things of mine that held sentimental value. It is also embarrassing as how do you explain why all these things are busted. I rarely have anyone in the property these days.

          • #27659
            Lizzie52
            Participant

            You will get this at CA and they can become a sponsor to your husband too so if he feels he wants to take it again he can phone them – they are so supportive x

            • #27664
              faithnotfear
              Participant

              hi debbie, i was only thinking about your situation earlier… and I’m so pleased to hear things are going okay for you. they really can change if they want to and it sounds as if your husband wants the change as much as you do. x

              • #27665
                Lizzie52
                Participant

                Thank you so much – I’m sure we are not completely out of the woods yet but fingers crossed – he is being so kind to me now – I think he finally realised that he would lose me if all this carried on xx

              • #27667
                faithnotfear
                Participant

                sometimes the truth gets through that addict shell and the person inside can get free, they are the lucky ones and so are we.

                i wish you both all the best x

              • #27670
                Lizzie52
                Participant

                Same to you but I’m sure like me you sometimes think it’s too good to be true and things will relapse but I have to think positive or it can eat you up xx

              • #27676
                faithnotfear
                Participant

                always on guard. night and day!

        • #27643
          sjg94
          Participant

          He won’t go to any meeting though that’s the problem

        • #27644
          sjg94
          Participant

          Xx

        • #27645
          sjg94
          Participant

          Xxx

          • #27647
            faithnotfear
            Participant

            My husband accused me of all sorts, and put cameras front and back… we also had a tremendous row as i refused point blank to have them indoors. Unfortunately it’s par for the course.

            As for telling a family member or friend… you’ve done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of. You need support. I never told anyone about his behaviour during the addiction period, but the day i found out i made him tell his family and i started telling mine. I’ve not told many as it hurts to tell people, but i needed at least a few people around me knowing what our family was facing. They were so much more understanding than i expected.

            I can’t help much more than i already have but i would say again, i recommend you try calling ca. It can’t do any harm, as it sounds like you’re in hell already.

            x

      • #27657
        Lizzie52
        Participant

        I would suggest that he goes onto CA – cocaine anonymous and you can join a group chat where he would be able to understand and talk to people who have stopped taking cocaine – it is done online and he can just listen or participate. You can also go online when it is an open forum and talk to recovered addicts – they are really welcoming and I found it very helpful to see it from their point of view. Your husband can go to as many zoom groups as he likes – I think they recommend 6 in total even if he joins different groups from all over the country and then finds the one he likes most and joins them weekly eventually. My husband was taking cocaine behind my back and for goodness knows how long. I bought some cocaine testing strips from amazon and secretly tested his urine that he left in loo to stop waking me in the mornings and it was positive for a long time until I told him that I knew – I really hope you sort it and find peace. I THINK my husband has stopped as he swore on oath that he wouldn’t take it again once I confronted him. I have secretly tested him still and it is negative but I never trust that he won’t take it again. I hope this helps x

    • #27661
      donthaveaclue
      Participant

      P.S. I forgot to say… we have cameras in all the rooms and the front and back… I have no privacy and feel invaded. Can’t wait to get out.

      • #27675
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        what a terrible time you’ve had/are having. it was me that said about the war zone. and lockdown was utter hell for me too. unfortunately i can identify only too well. i don’t think I’ll ever get over that period either.

        mine has stopped using drugs for 13 months, after he got caught by his business partner – between us we gave my husband one chance and he has turned his life around, but i know only too well how close i am to your life position.

        good luck on your escape x

    • #27818
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Well the husband that I thought had stopped taking cocaine is no longer my husband. I really stupidly and naively thought he had stopped for good this time but I just discovered yesterday that it wasn’t the case and he has left basically because I said that if I found out again our marriage was over. We had been getting on SO well recently that I really believed in him. I am devastated but know I can’t carry on my life feeling so down when ever I find out and each time I have believed that he would stop.

      • #27819
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        oh no debbie, what absolutely awful news! i am very, very sorry indeed.

        i know that at the moment there will be almost nothing that can really console you – you are living my worst nightmare after all and i can imagine that you are in enormous pain right now ????

        however… there are two things i would pick up on…

        firstly, never forget how incredibly brave and courageous you are for setting a clear, fair and reasonable boundary… and sticking to it. i have set this same line here and if it is crossed it’s the end for us too. it’s my worst fear that keeps me on edge night and day.

        secondly, whereas my husband had been actively using for 2.5 years, and always in secret knowing deep down he was doing something terrible.. your husband has had this habit for very many years and from what you’ve said has normalised the behaviour to the point where he sees no problem with it. that is one heck of a mindset to alter. maybe he found it harder than he expected. or maybe he didn’t really want to change at all.

        when my husband first came out with it all i think he was just saying what he thought we wanted to hear, to get us off his back and then go back it.

        there was a lot of contradictory rubbish coming out of his mouth for the first few weeks.

        eventually the spell was broken for him at least.

        anyway debbie, I’m so sorry for the developments and know this we’re all here for you and for the grace of God a few of us are spared your pain but many more are in your same horrible position.

        massive hugs and i hope your family can support you in the gentlest and loving way while you come through hell xxx

        • #27820
          Lizzie52
          Participant

          Thank you and at the moment I really feel I literally am going through hell. One of the things I find most difficult to understand is that he cared more about cocaine than me as he knew that it would be the end for us if I found out again. I guess that is addiction although as you say he wouldn’t admit that. He comes from a good family and yet his older brother is also a cocaine addict and alcoholic and lives at home with his mum where my husband will be also. His brother has been 4 years of it but cost him his marriage also. I asked him to do a urine test and he thought he would get away with putting water in the pot and also had been taking to going for a wee downstairs which he never did before as he knew that the previous time that I had been testing his wee in the morning. I was suspicious about this but tried to think no he wouldn’t do it again but how wrong was I. I pray that I will be able to get through this nightmare and come out the other side with relief but I think it will take a long time as generally we got on so well and I believed he was my soulmate. Thank you again – it really helps to see someone else’s aspect on things x

          • #27822
            faithnotfear
            Participant

            ah that’s okay, i couldn’t read your update and not say anything x

            it sounds like he has all the typical devious habits of those who want to protect their addiction. it’s a form of madness where they throw away true love and companionship for this isolating drug (don’t forget many pick it ahead of their own children and therefore it is not a sleight against you personally)

            in time the sun will shine again for you one day and although you may struggle to find a real closure from this hopefully you will at least be able to come to terms with it all and regain some peace of mind.

            i pity his mother in this… stuck at her probable senior age enabling her sons’ bad behaviour … i wonder if she internally despairs or whether she is in as much denial as those in active addiction.

            look after yourself x

          • #27823
            ash2013
            Participant

            Its not about them caring more about coke than their loved ones. So don’t put yourself down on that one. Think of it like having a little devil on your shoulder 24/7 telling you to do it, ‘one more line, you’ll get away with it, she won’t notice, you want me, you know you do’ Thats how my husband described it to me.

            Coke takes over your brain, it is more psychologically addictive than heroin, people who start using it for a bit of fun, have NO idea what it could lead to.

            Never think that you weren’t enough, its not about that, its about the power coke has on an addict x

            • #27824
              Lizzie52
              Participant

              Thank you and also FaithNotFear for your replies. He has rung me and I don’t know what to do as I didn’t answer – any ideas. I’m not sure whether it will be about his stuff he still has here, his dog or us. I’m scared to ring him back x

              • #27825
                faithnotfear
                Participant

                crikey! i would be inclined to beg someone else to field the calls… obviously it’s your call but you’re so vulnerable right now it will be very difficult talking to him about anything.

                maybe he will be calling to make new promises and promise the earth? maybe this time he has faced up to facts? maybe he’s going to have a go at you and blame you?

                can you ask him to just text you?

                good luck xx

        • #27859
          Lizzie52
          Participant

          Just wondering how your husband stopped his addiction. Did he actually go into rehab or did he just go to meetings. I still have had no contact with my husband but if we ever did talk I wouldn’t contemplate returning to our marriage unless he was off drugs. Every time before he has said he would stop but didn’t actually go anywhere to sort himself out. He just did it himself and obviously this hasn’t worked. I didn’t realise that he was actually as addicted as he is and just thought he was an occasional user but I was so wrong x

          • #27866
            ash2013
            Participant

            Hi Debbie,

            I know you replied to Faith, but thought I’d chip in too if that’s ok.

            My husband stopped on his own, he didn’t go to any groups or anything.

            He has totally changed his friendship group and the ones that still do coke that he’s still in touch with know that he’s not in that place anymore and respect him enough to either distance him, or only see him when they’re sober etc. x

            He’s clean since December 2019, praying it stays that way too. With every bone in my body xx

            • #27867
              Lizzie52
              Participant

              That’s great – did he not even go to online meetings? like CA. Did he find it hard? and how did you help him. Was he a heavy user? Sorry about all the questions x

          • #27870
            faithnotfear
            Participant

            hi ladies, i didn’t get time to reply yesterday as been getting organised for a little holiday… our first family trip abroad ever!

            when it comes to these addiction stories every addict has his own tale to tell, yet they’re all broadly very similar…. in that they end up prioritising the drugs above everything else in life as the brain’s circuits effectively rewire to make them believe that no enjoyment can beat the high of the drug and it leads them to prioritise the drug above everything else including base life living.

            cocaine in particular seems to be so insidious because it’s more of a mental addiction than a physical one.. for example… alcohol dependant people and heroin addicts will get physical pains as soon as withdrawal occurs.. but with a lot of cocaine users they seem to be psychologically dependent … they use in binges at the weekend, or not necessarily every day. i think this particular drug is harder to spot too, if you aren’t expecting to see it, since they are not doped out and therefore more ability to be covert in their usage.

            so i would say debbie that your husband is very much psychologically dependant on this drug. like my husband did, he sees it as an easy fix to escape from reality for a bit. my husband tells me that no matter what shit had happened that day, whatever the worries he had… a couple of hits from the drugs and he no longer cared. escapism basically. unfortunately, what he couldn’t see at the time was that most of the problems he was trying to escape from by using the drugs, were actually caused by the drugs. in fact… after 2.5 years of this gradually more problematic behaviour he had accepted taking drugs around the house, even around the kids, in his car, at work as perfectly normal. despite never being able to sleep, nose bleeds, thinking he was going to die, living with the guilt… all just part of his life now.

            i tell you all this to highlight how ingrained this crazy behaviour becomes!

            unfortunately active addicts by nature are generally dishonest liars. they lie to the people around them a lot, but most lies they tell are to themselves. this is how they keep the addiction going.

            they tell themselves they are not addicts, it’s just a little treat they need just for them, they tell themselves that they’re not hurting anyone, or doing any harm, they pretend they can stop whenever they want to .. but just not today!

            my husband was stuck after 2.5 years… can you imagine how deeply ingrained this behaviour must be in your husband Debbie?

            deep down inside his brain is a voice telling him that what he’s doing is wrong and he is hurting himself and you, and will lose you. but the louder voice of this psychological addiction is saying .. go on .. just a bit more… she’s just a nag. you deserve it! what’s the harm!?

            when my husband got caught out it was like a slap in his face that disturbed the addict equilibrium. he had to make the brutal choice. get clean or lose everything.. job. business, house, family, marriage…end up on the streets and dead in a few months!

            if I’m 100% honest i think at first he was just talking the talk amd hoped it would all blow over so he could get back on with it. he had already accepted his fate way back in the addiction that when it inevitably came out that all the cards would fall.

            like you debbie i won’t tolerate him on drugs and like you are being so strong, you expect him to take responsibility for dealing with the problem.

            i put my husband in touch with ca and they helped save his life. he tells me now he probably wouldn’t have stopped if we hadn’t all basically ganged up on him. he went to several meetings a week for a long time.

            it took many months for his active addiction fog to clear so he could see how utterly despicably he has behaved to me, the kids and his business partner.

            we had him cornered, if you like!

            truthfully, addicts can stop without the ca/meetings. ash is testament to the fact that she has bravely supported her husband through this process.

            but the honest and horrible truth is that they have to be willing. they have to want to change. or they won’t manage. it’s so difficult and hard and brutal.

            doing the 12 steps did my husband a world of good. many addicts have huge personality issues which are often what leads them into their addiction states. he found out exactly what he needs to change about himself to be a better person.

            he is a work in progress though.

            his behaviour can relapse.

            if his behaviour slips down too far, i think he could relapse.

            anyway, that’s enough about me… i hope my ramblings don’t irritate too much and i send lots of love to all of us stuck in these difficult circles x ????

            by the way..i don’t really know too much about rehab. i expect it’s expensive as the nhs is unlikely to be able to help. and again the addict needs to be willing!

            • #27873
              Lizzie52
              Participant

              Hi

              That was so insightful and to see it from your husband’s point of view and I feel that my husband is exactly where yours was. I think that the best thing for me to do at the moment is nothing and if he wants to contact me then we have a conversation about him going to meetings etc and that I can’t take him back unless he really wants to stop and mean it as I can’t keep putting myself through this heartbreak as it is killing me. He won’t tell his mum who he is now living with even though he has said he would but I think that was to stop me telling her. He said one time that it would break her heart to have 2 sons in the same situation. I personally think she needs to know to help him and to make him face up to the situation of breaking our marriage as she will think that it has something to do with me why we have split from when I left them in France as his behaviour was so bad that I couldn’t take anymore from him. She was furious with me and hasn’t spoken to me since. Do you think I should eventually tell her xx

              • #27874
                faithnotfear
                Participant

                aw no problem, much as i hate the fact that all this knowledge i didn’t want to have was dumped on me, it helps me come to terms with it all myself when i read it back.. i still can’t really believe I’m here in this situation tbh, but am glad to be of help to others in any way at all x

                i do see a lot of similarity with our husbands bad habits.

                in your position in some very painful ways it sounds as if you’ve had a lucky escape from this hell, you’re financially independent, have your own home and grown up kids. i know it’s absolutely heartbreaking as you love the man dearly, but you’ve got that boundary and you know you’ve got to stick to it for your own sanity. if he wants to earn his place back with you then he needs to get provably clean. maybe daily drug tests you supervise and/or meetings. he swore that oath before so there is a part of him that wants the relationship. but you can’t compete with the drug as you are not hijacking his brain functions!

                i don’t know about his mum.. tough call really… he definitely shouldn’t be deceiving her, yet I’m not sure it’s our place to tell the addict’s people…. but… at that sane time it’s also not our secret to keep. why should we hurt ourselves by not telling the truth about our own lives? we’ve done nothing wrong!! i made my husband tell his family, partly because of our kids/their grandkids welfare is their business but also so they knew what we faced and could be one more little anchor to his recovery.

                i have not told a lot of people but all my close family are aware, because i couldn’t suffer this alone without their support. plus a few good, dear friends.

                i don’t want the world to know, partly because i feel some shame of this situation… wrong i know… I’ve nothing to feel ashamed about, yet i bet a lot of us feel that lurking shame too.

                xx

              • #27875
                ash2013
                Participant

                Faith has some excellent advice here, its refreshing to read we are all in a very similar boat, even though its very sad.

                My husband would never tell his parents, and if I had told them he would have probably done something stupid.

                I never told my parents either, mainly because my dad had a dim view of him already, because he could see how absent he was, and I spent so long making excuses and covering up. My dad would wonder why I was mowing the grass at 9 months pregnant, why I had to get him to put curtain poles up, why wasnt my husband doing these things – because his head was buried in avoiding me because he wanted to do coke! And I thought that one I had told them, I could never untell them, and if my husband did sort himself out then how would that work, because they would never be able to look at him the same way.

                I had a couple of close friends who knew it all, but thats it. And I think even they got fed up because they felt helpless and I didnt really listen to what they advised, because they didn’t really understand what I was living in. Until you’ve lived it, you have no idea.

                Sending love x

              • #27876
                faithnotfear
                Participant

                i must admit i couldn’t face telling my mum as i was in a terrible state, i told my brother and asked him to talk to her… she’s completely anti-drugs… but as it turns out she’s even more anti-me… my brother and i have all but completely cut ties with her over the last year.. not directly because of my husband’s addiction issues, but indirectly he caused the catalyst that forced me to confront all my demons once and for all ..but that’s a whole other story lol ☺

                my entire life has lurched from one disaster to the next… by all accounts i should be hiding in the cupboard escaping reality but instead, as always I’m the sweeping up crew!!!

      • #27821
        ash2013
        Participant

        Oh Debbie, I’m so sad, why can’t they all just wake up and realise there is so much more to life than being a slave to this drug, because that is what they are.

        Aside from the devastation they reek for their nearest and dearest, they are fooling themselves that this is a good path to travel along.

        You have done more than many in your position, followed through with an ultimatum. You should be proud of that. Go and live your life, be happy, don’t look back, you can’t say you didn’t try.

        Sending huge love x

    • #27827
      ash2013
      Participant

      If your husband is anything like mine was, he was pretty clever, and wouldn’t text very much, because he didnt want anything in ‘writing’ Or would text nicely, and be a d1ck on the phone.

      You are vulnerable Debbie, like Faithnotfear says, can you have someone with you when he calls that knows what you are going through?

      xx

    • #27828
      ash2013
      Participant

      .

    • #27829
      ash2013
      Participant

      Sorry – It posted 3x!!

    • #27868
      ash2013
      Participant

      Hi Debbie,

      No he didnt attend any meetings, hes not really very good at talking or listening in fact! No online meetings.

      He said it was VERY hard for the first few months, then hard for a few more months, He started to see what life was like without it having a hold of him, he was either thinking about doing it, getting it, hanging around with like minded people who were not true friends, doing it, or recovering from doing it…. or thats how it felt!

      He was using most days at work and in the evening if he was out, and he would often find a reason to be out trust me! I don’t know how much, mostly not huge volumes, but then some nights it was more I guess.

      He hasnt drunk alcohol since he stopped, its a trigger, lowers his guard, and generally the two went hand in hand. Lockdown helped him stop partly. He has a hole in his septum, and I think thats what made him stop really, because he could afford it, and thats also why he had a lot of hangers on around him.

      What extent do you think your husband’s problem is?

      xx

      • #27869
        Lizzie52
        Participant

        I really don’t know how much he is using it but I do know that since I met him 4 years ago I have caught him out about 8 times and each time he promised that he would stop and the last time he swore on his oath but each time he started again and I don’t know if he actually ever stopped. I don’t know if he uses all the time or it is just occasionally. I don’t think he takes it with anyone or hangs around anyone who takes it. He just seems to do it on his own. He wouldn’t talk to me about it. I don’t know if I’ve been married to a lie and I don’t know which one I’m in love with – either him on coke or him not on coke. I just don’t know what to do – I so desperately want to see him but I don’t want a husband who is addicted to coke as we have split 3 times now because of it xx

    • #27877
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Hi

      Thank you both so much for your support – it means a lot and is so helpful to be talking to people who have been there not like my family and close friends who all say I should run for the hills and never look back but it’s so hard when you love someone and want to help them but at the moment I haven’t the choice as he left without wanting to talk because he was so ashamed. I think as time goes on I will start to think things more clearly but at the moment all I want is to see him and try to get him to lay all his cards on the table with no more lies. I just don’t trust him though at the moment. And I wonder whether I could get to trusting him again and to believe what he says.

      Like you Faithnotfear my life has lurched from one disaster to the next all I want in my life is peace now.

      xx

    • #27878
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Hi

      Thank you both so much for your support – it means a lot and is so helpful to be talking to people who have been there not like my family and close friends who all say I should run for the hills and never look back but it’s so hard when you love someone and want to help them but at the moment I haven’t the choice as he left without wanting to talk because he was so ashamed. I think as time goes on I will start to think things more clearly but at the moment all I want is to see him and try to get him to lay all his cards on the table with no more lies. I just don’t trust him though at the moment. And I wonder whether I could get to trusting him again and to believe what he says.

      Like you Faithnotfear my life has lurched from one disaster to the next all I want in my life is peace now.

      xx

    • #27879
      ash2013
      Participant

      Hi Debbie,

      Unfortunately unless you are living it, you have no idea. You can’t forget the man you fell in love with, thats a personal feeling, and everyone else won’t feel that, so whilst they are thinking rationally and logically, its not their life.

      I would hang on to the good times. Its like a child who has an absent parent, and they hang off every small moment they have with that person because they’re often apart from them. Its not the same, but its the analogy I used to think about. Because if any of my friends were going through what I was, then I’d be telling them the same as they’re telling us right. All they see is the pain you are in, and their answer is simple. Except its far from that.

      I’m slowly rebuilding my trust with my husband in my own head. Its taken a while, but I can see I have the man I love back again, and cocaine is like the ‘other woman’, the enemy in this story.

      Have you heard from your husband? I know he’s ashamed, but only he can fix this, and you can support him, if thats what you want then you can offer that, with boundaries.

      xx

      • #27882
        Lizzie52
        Participant

        Hi

        It’s so good and helpful to speak with you both. I really appreciate it and yes I would be offering the same advice if any friends were going through this but like you say they’re not living in it. I haven’t heard from him as such but we are both on Strava and he has sent me heart symbols when I uploaded a cycle ride. So I guess he is thinking of me even though he made it absolutely clear that he couldn’t come back as all he had bought to me was heartache and misery. Also we were supposed to be going on a trip of a lifetime to Africa for 3 weeks at the beginning of July and the balance is due beginning of May so I don’t know whether to hope that we may still go or cancel it. So depressing or maybe suggest we still go. One thing though is you both say that you have the person back that you loved but I really don’t know if he’s been on it since we met so perhaps I don’t even know the real him as we have only been together for 4 years x

    • #27976
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Hi – a little bit of a breakthrough in that we are going to talk. I was just wondering if you have any advice about how to go about this conversation. I have a feeling that he is not going to admit he has an addiction. He says he can’t be continually thrown out of where he is living even though he left and feel that he may play the martyr although I do know that he is very very sorry for letting me down again. I don’t want to accuse him of having an addiction but all my friends that know say that unless he gets help then I mustn’t take him back. I feel that if I take him back he is going to let me down again but I desperately want to take him back – so difficult so any advice in any way would be so helpful as you have been so far x

      • #27991
        ash2013
        Participant

        Hi Debbie,

        I think you need to steer the conversation towards concern rather than accusing, he can play it down all he likes, the fact is that if he has to hide something from you then he shouldn’t be doing it right? He may not have a massive addiction problem, he may not be doing it every day, but it’s a problem for you, and you are married, therefore he has a problem.

        If you can explain why is upsets you, the money, the hiding, the lies, the health concerns, the distance it’s creating between you two, he must respect your personal point of view. I felt like I was single most of the time, the connection breaks, I don’t know if you feel the same?

        Stay strong, stay safe, tell him how much you want to save this, you’ll support him, allow him to take back control of his life etc.

        Good luck xx

        • #27992
          Lizzie52
          Participant

          Hi Ash. Thank you so much – that advice is great as wasn’t sure how to tackle the addiction question but if I put it like you said then it makes sense. I’ll let you know how it goes as he is back to talk this weekend. xx

          • #27993
            ash2013
            Participant

            Good luck sweetheart.

            I don’t know if he has mental health issues, but my husband does and we went to the doctors, he was honest with him, I supported him with that, it helps if the doctor is specialised in mental health, he saw two others before he found one that he could actually talk to. It may be worth suggesting if that’s the root cause to needing to use coke.

            The problem with cocaine is that people don’t appreciate how it reels you in. It starts off as a bit of fun, then one day you need it to feel normal, it doesn’t even make you feel ‘good’ anymore and that’s when you’ve crossed the line into addiction. Addicts are constantly chasing how it used to make them feel, and then they need more or more frequency… it’s a circle you just go round and round. It’s only when you stop and recover you can see what life is like without it.

            Sending love x

          • #27996
            sal98
            Participant

            Hi Debbie,

            I posted a lot on this group last year and really appreciated all the advise from Faith and Ash. The sad news that I’m going to tell you is that recovery isn’t a given. This disease can be so toxic, it really does take over their brains. My now ex boyfriend was addicted to coke and alcohol. He admitted this to me last January and sought help with ca, aa and even attended a 3 month rehab, he managed to give up coke fairly successfully but he couldn’t stop drinking and lying about it. He used to be such a confident capable person, but addiction stole everything from him. He’s just a drunk now. I left him for the final time this January, even then he said he would get sober and win me back, but he hasn’t. All the love is still there, but it’s powerless against his addiction. I think he has had a lot of issues from his past thats always caused him anxiety and low self esteem and I think that’s what’s keeping him in addiction. I’m still grieving for the future that we had planned, but I have accepted that it’s never going to be possible. But I’ve told everyone that we know we’ve spilt up because of his drinking and you’d be surprised the amount of people that can relate to it, so definitely open up to your friends and family. Most days I can completely enjoy myself and I’m greatful I can do and go wherever I want, without the stress of worrying what he’s up to! It got so bad at the end I was tracking his location (with his consent) and he was still getting away with loads! That’s no life for anyone. So my advise is if he does come back with promises, tread carefully and look for a real commitment to some sort of therapy. I know most of his group from the 3 month rehab have managed to stay sober. So there can be hope, it’s just not a given even if they want to change unfortunately.

            • #27998
              faithnotfear
              Participant

              oh sal, im so sorry to hear things didn’t work out for you… addiction is such a cruel disease x

              I’m glad you got your life on track now and really appreciate your kind words … like i said before… we didn’t want this knowledge but if it can help anyone at all, that’s something to hold on to xx

            • #28000
              Lizzie52
              Participant

              thank you – I will bear all your advice in mind and sorry that your situation didn’t work x

      • #27997
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        hi debbie,

        a quick reply as im in Spain, but didn’t want to ignore x

        i would agree with everything ash says above and even go as far as to say that in a way it doesn’t matter whether he thinks he is an addict or not… he might get very defensive if he feels cornered. what matters is that you do not wish to live the lifestyle of a cocaine user’s wife… if he wishes to continue using then he cannot keep the relationship.. simple enough to write here but not so easy when it is your life on the line x

        i would suggest that you wish him to get clean and therefore he must prove himself with regular drug tests in your presence.

        i would also suggest he might find it very hard to get clean and might well need help and support from a proper organisation… you are not responsible for his choices and it’s not fair for us addicts wives to shoulder any greater a burden than we already do.

        i would be cautious that he might say anything to get this situation sorted and you are at great risk of being manipulated… beware x

        one other thing i don’t know if ash would agree, but i bet she would…not trying to be a pessimist or ungrateful… but the sad truth is that we haven’t got our husbands back properly, or our relationships, or our futures.. we’re kind of stuck in this weird limbo place where we don’t really recognise ourselves or our husbands or our lives…always wondering if it will all come crashing down today… i have some trust in my husband of course… but honestly… i don’t even really trust myself anymore..my judgement has been completely and utterly undermined.

        i don’t trust anyone at all these days.

        i wish you the greatest luck snd strength and will be thinking of you xxx

        • #28012
          ash2013
          Participant

          I wish Debbie the best of luck, she’s armed with things to look out for, how to respond etc.

          FNF – I can totally relate. Whilst I have my clean husband back, I’m damaged. I can’t forget what I lived through. I’m honestly far better off now that I was 3 years ago, that’s for sure. But the scars are still there, the worry about relapse is real, my brain is constantly thinking about how to avoid social gatherings. I often have family over for lunch, because I feel there’s less expectation to drink alcohol, everything I do I think/worry about it. I think it’s borderline ptsd, certain things trigger certain thoughts and I’m highly anxious.

          I would hope that because Debbie hasn’t had to live through too many years of this, that she may not have the same long term effects?

          Enjoy Spain Faith, and we’ll be thinking of you this weekend Debbie xx

    • #27999
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      thank you – all this is great advise and d day is starting on Friday so will keep you all informed as to my next step. I worry that he isn’t going to tell me the truth with all the questions I have but as you both say go in non accusatory and hopefully I will get more out of him. I’m very scared though. On another note I went to see a solicitor about getting a post nuptial done and so that is yet another situation that has come about as a result of his addiction and I need to find out if he will sign it. Hope you are having a fab time in Spain, Faithnotfear and thank you for taking time out to reply xxx

    • #28015
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      I’m so sorry that you are living through these fears both of you. My worry is that perhaps I’ve only known my husband on coke. Perhaps he has been on it the whole time and I have been deceived about who I am married too and that I don’t even know the person who hasn’t been on it. I am paranoid that he won’t tell me the truth and that he will be lying – I think that the lying to me is one of the big things as trust only comes with honesty and I don’t want to go through my life not trusting the person that I am married too as you will always be questioning if he is lying as I think it comes too easily to him. In an ideal world I think I would rather be with someone who has never taken drugs to the extent of possible addiction and who was equal with regards to finances. When I was giving the details to the solicitor yesterday with regards to the post nuptial I was thinking she must think I am such a fool (obviously didn’t tell her about the drugs) as I pay for everything and have basically without knowing been funding his drug habit and I have no idea how much in debt he is. I am feeling stronger since we have reconnected but also stronger in my thoughts about what I want. At the moment it is still him but I absolutely know that if it happens again I won’t be there as he has pushed me so so far – this must be about the 6th time he has promised he won’t do it again and each time he has let me down. He also has been going to loo downstairs for a while so I can’t test his wee and must think I am so stupid not to know that he was using again. But I just buried it under the carpet as I didn’t want another blow up but finally I couldn’t take it any longer and asked him if he had been taking it again and he very very easily lied and said ‘of course not – why would you think that’. Anyway we will see what happens this weekend but as you say I need to be calm and non accusatory. xxx

      • #28133
        ash2013
        Participant

        Hi Debbie,

        How did the meeting/talks go? Just checking in to see if you are ok really x

    • #28033
      linnoiemclaren
      Participant

      Cocaine addiction is really very scary. In a state of drug intoxication, people commit criminal acts, get injured. Prolonged episodes of use lead to the development of anxiety, restlessness, irritability. Often there is a fear of death, a panic state develops with a rapid heartbeat, discomfort in the chest, a feeling of lack of air. When using medium and high doses of cocaine, the euphoria stage is replaced by dysphoria. Anxiety, frustration, irritability, apathy, depression increase. You can always ask for help from specialists.

    • #28134
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Hi Ash

      I was totally hopeless and too nervous to bring up the conversation so we just had a nice weekend with no trauma. I know I have to have the conversation but I just wish he had started it. It was on my mind all weekend but didn’t want to spoil the good atmosphere as know he would have got defensive …. xx

      • #28136
        ash2013
        Participant

        Oh bless you, its the elephant in the room isnt it!!

        Has he moved back? xx

    • #28135
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Hi Ash

      I was totally hopeless and too nervous to bring up the conversation so we just had a nice weekend with no trauma. I know I have to have the conversation but I just wish he had started it. It was on my mind all weekend but didn’t want to spoil the good atmosphere as know he would have got defensive …. xx

    • #28138
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      well he stays at his mum’s tonight and tomorrow for easy commute to work and he was here all weekend and moved some of his stuff back in – do you think it’s something that can be done on the phone xx

    • #28154
      kire
      Participant

      Hi , I’ve quickly read some of the posts on this forum and they are not filling me with lots of hope.

      My story is , I have been with my partner for 8 years and we have 4 children together , he told me at the start about his drug past but it was his past ,so I never really questioned him about it ..

      We have a happy life however sometimes in the few years his been stressed his got angry and shouted some names occasionally at me , and once or twice thrown something at me but never hit me. But I could still tell his behaviour was not normal and his reactions to simple conversations were just ridiculous and out of control. I have always put it down to work stress , stress of raising young kids etc. however the last couple of years it been like living with Jekyll and Hyde never knowing which one is coming through the door ! Again it never crossed my mind it was drugs ..

      until 4 days ago we were driving home from our holiday and he just lost it, broke up with me said his done, I’m disrespectful , accused me of mocking him and talking about him behind his back , the paranoid thoughts coming out of his mouth were unreal .. then that night when we got home he started accusing me of been unfaithful etc. I just said you need to go to the spare room ! He then came in admitted his been using cocaine , I’m in absolute and utter shock .. I feel sick I feel like I’m in some nightmare… he says his told me now because he wants to get better and wants to take the first steps and that ll he ll do anything I want .

      Now I’m thinking lots and I remember time when we d be in the house and he d lock himself in the toilet and say his doing a poo and I had suspicions but never truly believed he d be doing drugs ! That was when our kids were in the house and he must of done it when alone with our kids like is this forgive-able..

      can he get clean ,??

      Or do I just leave now , I’ve said I’ll give him a chance .. but his lied to me soo much over the last number of years how will I know if he lies again … sorry this is a ramble I just have no one to talk too , if I told my family they d not understand and tell me leave straight away..

      I see some of you have said get him to do regular urine tests , does this work ? At least I’d know if he was lying or not ..

      Also have you gone to couples therapy or individual therapy etc ?

      • #28156
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        … whoops… pressed send with my sausage fingers!

        was going to say it’s like living in an alternative reality and once you’ve seen it, you can’t go back to the old side.. I struggle hugely with my mental health as a direct result of this (ptsd and deep, deep depression and anxiety)

        however like i say… you can survive this and learn to smile again xxx

    • #28155
      faithnotfear
      Participant

      hi kire, i can’t reply in full now but just wanted to send a massive hug and say you’re not alone. your situation sounds very similar to mine and if you look for stuff I’ve written you’ll see that there is hope of sorts.

      if he wants to get clean… i can’t recommend ca (cocaine anonymous uk) highly enough.. they will be glad to help.

      i know very much how you must be feeling right now… sick, frightened and deeply hurt.. it’s awful .. but you can get through.. it’s a long road… i think staying with them is possibly harder than just throwing in the towel, because you will have lots of conflicting polar opposite feelings… it is worth it to try though i feel, especially if you have kids/house/etc… but only in my view if they’re genuinely willing to change and make amends xxxx

      massive hugs to you and know this.. we are all with you and understand only too well this mightmare… its

    • #28157
      kire
      Participant

      Hi , I’ve quickly read some of the posts on this forum and they are not filling me with lots of hope.

      My story is , I have been with my partner for 8 years and we have 4 children together , he told me at the start about his drug past but it was his past ,so I never really questioned him about it ..

      We have a happy life however sometimes in the few years his been stressed his got angry and shouted some names occasionally at me , and once or twice thrown something at me but never hit me. But I could still tell his behaviour was not normal and his reactions to simple conversations were just ridiculous and out of control. I have always put it down to work stress , stress of raising young kids etc. however the last couple of years it been like living with Jekyll and Hyde never knowing which one is coming through the door ! Again it never crossed my mind it was drugs ..

      until 4 days ago we were driving home from our holiday and he just lost it, broke up with me said his done, I’m disrespectful , accused me of mocking him and talking about him behind his back , the paranoid thoughts coming out of his mouth were unreal .. then that night when we got home he started accusing me of been unfaithful etc. I just said you need to go to the spare room ! He then came in admitted his been using cocaine , I’m in absolute and utter shock .. I feel sick I feel like I’m in some nightmare… he says his told me now because he wants to get better and wants to take the first steps and that ll he ll do anything I want .

      Now I’m thinking lots and I remember time when we d be in the house and he d lock himself in the toilet which was weird so I had suspicions but never truly believed he d be doing drugs ! That was when our kids were in the house and he must of done it when alone with our kids like is this forgive-able..

      can he get clean ,??

      Or do I just leave now , I’ve said I’ll give him a chance .. but his lied to me soo much over the last number of years how will I know if he lies again … sorry this is a ramble I just have no one to talk too , if I told my family they d not understand and tell me leave straight away..

      I see some of you have said get him to do regular urine tests , does this work ? At least I’d know if he was lying or not ..

      Also have you gone to couples therapy or individual therapy etc ?

      • #28159
        ash2013
        Participant

        Hi Kire,

        Firstly welcome, and secondly sorry you are here.

        I’ve read your post, and the first thing that jumped out at me was the admission from him that he has a problem and that he wants to sort it. That is a massive step in the right direction. Lots of people end up on here with partners in denial, or running away rather than face the problem. So you are in a good position.

        Now, my husband didnt use CA or anything, but I can see how that would help a lot of people. Lockdown helped in our situation, he changed his friendship group, he stopped drinking, he started seeing what life was like without being a slave to cocaine, getting it, hiding it, using it, recovering from it, it was a circle!

        If he isnt the sort of person who will go to CA to seek help, then he needs to be honest with you, all out in the open, everything warts and all. You can help him by not keeping on about it, but by starting to see the real man come back. He will likely need to change friends, and start to spend more time at home. Keep him well fed with a good diet, sleep is important to recovery too. I did test my husband with his permission as he had nothing to hide every couple of days, it took about 2 weeks to get a negative test because he was using most days, so it had built up in his system.

        I echo what Faith says though, this makes you a different person, I too am suffering with PTSD, anxiety etc. I dont really go out, actually, I do in the day, but nights I dont because thats when the problems were. Its a psychological disaster!

        We are here to help however we can x

        • #28161
          faithnotfear
          Participant

          just popped back to say absolutely that yes it can be done without ca/rehab etc… don’t mean to force it on you! it’s not for everyone .. i guess it’s a bit like marmite ☺

    • #28158
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Hi kire

      Faith and Ash have been incredibly helpful to me with their advice. I have just discovered my husband has been taking coke again – I think it is about the 6th time I’ve caught him and he has promised me that he wouldn’t do it again but he has never gone to a meeting so I would advise you and your husband to go – I have been to meetings but he doesn’t know about this yet – you can go to an open meeting if you are not the addict and they have also been really helpful to me. I was supposed to have the ‘big’ conversation last weekend but I chickened out as didn’t want to spoil the weekend with the talk which is crazy I know – hopefully it will happen this weekend. I have just been to hypnotherapy in order to become more confident and assertive and it was very surreal but has put me in a better frame of mind. I told the hypnotherapist everything. I had the absolute same as you in respect of a completely different person in my husband’s body. I so so hope that you both can sort it as I am trying at the moment and that we both become one of the success stories. Keep in touch on here – it really helps x

    • #28165
      kire
      Participant

      Thanks everyone for the replies , there is a CA meeting on at the weekend I’ll say it to him later in the week , his also booked in for some assessment to see how to get better I think .. but his used since he was 17 , but as I said never really questioned it too much as I didn’t know him before he had got clean with a respectable job etc. so this is such a shock for me.. feel very naive now .. hoping it ll just go away ! Like if he hadn’t told me I would of just thought he was going through a midlife crisis or turning into a grumpy angry man.. now I feel like I’m going to be watching him like a hawk . I’ve taken all his bank cards from him he requested me do to this , and blocked his dealer who he has disguise as a friend ! He even had a kid same age as my kid and he use to use them having a play date to get his drug I guess .. but then I find out his mum and brother knew this guy was his dealer 20 years ago and was never a mate , like hello why would they not mention this to me .. also he was getting drug from another old mate I’ve asked him not to see him again either to which he has said ok .. but he called him a mate how is he a mate if his giving him drugs knowing he has 4 young kids !

      I’m hopeful atm but I’ll keep you all posted .

      Whenever he talked about drugs in the past he would say they were fun and he had a great time , I did use to think why isn’t he saying they are awful things and they could ruin lives , now I know cause he was still using ! I worry for our kids with that sort of attitude .. Christ have so much to talk about with him , don’t know where to start as I rather just bury my head in the sand …

      Reading all these posts and every Google article on cocaine addiction I’m learning alot I never knew , what an evil drug !!!

    • #28171
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      So tonight my husband informed me that his boys are coming down this weekend and I was totally surprised as we hadn’t yet talked about things. Anyway I mentioned that we hadn’t talked and perhaps we could have a few hours to talk about things at the weekend and then received a text from him to say basically that he couldn’t put his boys through anymore trauma and if there was going to be friction or worse and sorry but he couldn’t risk this occurring as they are part of him. Firstly I was stunned that he had invited them down with everything that has happened and also that he thought it would be me that would be causing the problem. I replied to say that perhaps we should talk on Thursday as he is working from home that day and that there would be no judgement on my part and that I just want to understand and help in any way I can. The reply was that I was being degrading and that he didn’t need any help basically implying that he doesn’t have a problem even though I have forgiven him at least 6 times where he has promised me he wouldn’t touch it again. I think I am in shock and really don’t know how or where to go from here. Any advice?? xx

      • #28173
        ash2013
        Participant

        Hi Debbie,

        I hope you are ok sweetheart – well I know you wont really be. I hate to say this, and please someone else chirp in! But I think he is in total denial, and he actually expects you to be ok with him lying about something like this.

        His reaction is deflection, instead of facing up to the issue, his response is to take himself away from you, to punish you and to put the blame back to you for daring to suggest you discuss anything! because you shouldn’t be telling him what to do or not do (in his eyes). Its gaslighting, pure and simple – google it! I had it with mine, they punish you by deflecting their own screw ups!

        Huge hugs x

    • #28174
      kire
      Participant

      Hi Debbie, i hope you are ok , I agree with Ash it sounds like his in total denial that he has an issue and I don’t think there is anything you can do or say at the moment that will change his mind, however I can’t give much advice as I’ve only known about my partners use since last week as I think he realised he was about to lose everything house me the kids everything .. so I’m taking this one day at a time and happy with his attitude about it at the moment but I know there’s still along road ahead . I’m not sure what I’d do if I had found out and he was in denial , wel I know the right thing to do would be to just pack us all up and leave . But that’s a lot easier said than done.

      I think back now how naive I was , he would stay up till 4/5am ‘watching movies’ and I remember been suspicious and creeping downstairs to catch him doing I don’t know what and sometimes he would be in the kitchen looking a bit shady and would say just getting some water or something like that and me would say ‘ok hun night’ ! I’m thinking maybe I’ve always known but I was in denial , Christ the lies they tell to hide it, not sure when I’ll be able to properly trust him again now that I know !

    • #28175
      kire
      Participant

      Hi Debbie, i hope you are ok , I agree with Ash it sounds like his in total denial that he has an issue and I don’t think there is anything you can do or say at the moment that will change his mind, however I can’t give much advice as I’ve only known about my partners use since last week as I think he realised he was about to lose everything house me the kids everything .. so I’m taking this one day at a time and happy with his attitude about it at the moment but I know there’s still along road ahead . I’m not sure what I’d do if I had found out and he was in denial , wel I know the right thing to do would be to just pack us all up and leave . But that’s a lot easier said than done.

      I think back now how naive I was , he would stay up till 4/5am ‘watching movies’ and I remember been suspicious and creeping downstairs to catch him doing I don’t know what and sometimes he would be in the kitchen looking a bit shady and would say just getting some water or something like that and me would say ‘ok hun night’ ! I’m thinking maybe I’ve always known but I was in denial , Christ the lies they tell to hide it, not sure when I’ll be able to properly trust him again now that I know !

    • #28176
      kire
      Participant

      Hi Debbie, i hope you are ok , I agree with Ash it sounds like his in total denial that he has an issue and I don’t think there is anything you can do or say at the moment that will change his mind, however I can’t give much advice as I’ve only known about my partners use since last week as I think he realised he was about to lose everything house me the kids everything .. so I’m taking this one day at a time and happy with his attitude about it at the moment but I know there’s still along road ahead . I’m not sure what I’d do if I had found out and he was in denial , wel I know the right thing to do would be to just pack us all up and leave . But that’s a lot easier said than done.

      I think back now how naive I was , he would stay up till 4/5am ‘watching movies’ and I remember been suspicious and creeping downstairs to catch him doing I don’t know what and sometimes he would be in the kitchen looking a bit shady and would say just getting some water or something like that and me would say ‘ok hun night’ ! I’m thinking maybe I’ve always known but I was in denial , Christ the lies they tell to hide it, not sure when I’ll be able to properly trust him again now that I know !

    • #28177
      kire
      Participant

      Hi Debbie, i hope you are ok , I agree with Ash it sounds like his in total denial that he has an issue and I don’t think there is anything you can do or say at the moment that will change his mind, however I can’t give much advice as I’ve only known about my partners use since last week as I think he realised he was about to lose everything house me the kids everything .. so I’m taking this one day at a time and happy with his attitude about it at the moment but I know there’s still along road ahead . I’m not sure what I’d do if I had found out and he was in denial , wel I know the right thing to do would be to just pack us all up and leave . But that’s a lot easier said than done.

      I think back now how naive I was , he would stay up till 4/5am ‘watching movies’ and I remember been suspicious and creeping downstairs to catch him doing I don’t know what and sometimes he would be in the kitchen looking a bit shady and would say just getting some water or something like that and me would say ‘ok hun night’ ! I’m thinking maybe I’ve always known but I was in denial , Christ the lies they tell to hide it, not sure when I’ll be able to properly trust him again now that I know !

    • #28178
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      I don’t know how much more I can take of being punished for something I haven’t done. I agree he is in denial but how can I change his mind about this. I feel that if I say what I feel he will get angry with me and leave again. I am still stunned that he can blame me for not talking about it this weekend and not take any blame for not talking about it as it is surely both of us putting our heads in the sand. I really wish I had the strength to walk away. Do you think I should put the ball in his court and say please can you tell me what has been going out honestly to avoid me asking lots of questions but even then I don’t think I will get the truth xx

      • #28180
        ash2013
        Participant

        Oh Debbie, 🙁 Its a tactic addicts use. I copied these from the net re gaslighting and addiction.

        ‘Gaslighting is common in addiction because it allows the person to continue their behaviours without having constant resistance from loved ones. Loved ones may not realise they are being gaslighted until later on, thus causing further strain and hurt in the relationship. The signs and symptoms of gaslighting may be gradual at first and become more apparent over time. If a person with a drug addiction may hide their pill bottles or sneak away to take drugs. They may make excuses for their actions. When you confront them, they might make you believe that you’re either overreacting or confused. As the gaslighting victim becomes more confused, they may unknowingly become more accepting of the addict’s behaviour. Enabling an addict becomes easier when you’re convinced that they’re being honest about their behaviour, which can lead to even bigger problems.’

        I don’t think he will tell you the cold hard truth, he will only ever admit to what you have evidence of. The little coke devil on his shoulder will be sat there saying ‘she wants us to break up, you need me, get out of this however you can, lie, create distance, make her think its all her fault that she’s pushing you away’

        Someone who is a recovering addict will know better than me what is going on in their head, I wish Danman would join this thread, he’ll be a great help! I’ll find him on another chat and see if he can offer some assistance.

        Keep smiling, dont let anyone dull your sparkle xx

    • #28179
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      I know that’s one of the hardest thing to know if I will ever be able to trust him again as he has lied so easily and another thing that I find really hard is that he swore an oath to me that he wouldn’t take it again and yet just carried on. I also feel really used as I pay for everything and he lives in my house and never tells the truth to his mum or boys or anyone about the reason why we have split and no doubt they will all blame me. I’m beginning to wish I had never met him xx

    • #28182
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Thank you Ash. That’s what I think is going to happen too. Like the way he has already twisted it round to being my fault for not talking last weekend and that now his boys are down this weekend which as I said I am shocked about as we haven’t resolved the situation. That it is my fault that I want to ruin the weekend with them by asking if we could talk for a couple of hours and that I didn’t talk last weekend as my daughter was here and I wasn’t prepared to ruin that weekend but I am prepared to ruin the weekend with his sons. I have absolutely no intention of causing friction when they are here and was going to approach the conversation in a non-judgemental manner and yes I am almost at the point of enabling him for a quiet life but I just know I don’t want to be married to an addict. I am also worried that the longer I stay married to him the more claim he will have on my finances as he has nothing to give and he did mention the last time that we split that he would be entitled to something from me. I am worried too as he took coke with his older son when he was last here and stayed up until the early hours with him and he coming again this weekend. I so wish he would just tell me the whole truth about his habit and finances and get it all out in the open but I guess he is too embarrassed or as you say has this little devil on his shoulder xx

      • #28185
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        omg debbie! he takes it with his son? i feel like bursting into tears on reading that…this is absolutely appalling ???? so in other words he is setting his own child up for a life of potential addiction and misery.

        that’s just awful.

        i appreciate the son may be an adult, but good god if i found my husband encouraging drugs with our kids i would probably dismember him!!!

        does the mother know… id even be inclined to discuss this with your husband’s mum at this point.. I’m actually fuming at man now and i never met him!!! I’m supposed to be going to the garden centre!

        look in all reason and fairness rhis bloke is being utterly sh1t to you, he’s so caught up the horrible, selfish and self-centred world of addiction he can only see people around him as pawns to facilitate his habit. i think he is pretty much unreachable.

        I’m shocked but not shocked… using drugs with his son under your roof is a grotesque abuse on you in every single way.

        I’m so sorry and sad he put you there debbie, but he is really not a nice person at the moment. i think deep down you know this ????

        sorry to be so blunt and so many gentle hugs to you xxx

      • #28196
        danman83
        Participant

        Hiya Debbie hope your OK. Only just read the last few of these comments because there seems to be loads. I’m over month clean now from coke. And your going on about his lies ect.. That’s part and parcel of being a addict. Sometimes we don’t even know we’re lying. Then there are lies that are just pointless lies.

        He can give u so many reasons why he’s going to stop ect.. I did.. My 2nd kid was born.. Gonna.stop.. 7 years later my boy was born.. Gonna stop. Never happens. We will never stop for anyone. The only thing that will stop us or help us if we have enough pain. Meaning are rock bottom. And that’s it, I’ve had enough of this crap mentality.

        There are women in the c.a meetings all nice woman, and have had there kids took off them. We can’t stop for our kids.

        And this is the frightening thing about this drug.

        I had a few rock bottoms, 1 example I used in my house alone when kids were in bed and gf. Litrally when my bag was empty and nothing left.. I was crying, it’s a horrible feeling, it sends u suicide and depressed for weeks.

        So I joined cocaine anonymous last year. I’ve had 3 month and 4 month and a few months here and there. But I’m now over 4 month and 10 days off my best clean time in 12 year.

        So In C. A you get a sponsor work the 12 steps, and you change your life around. One of the things is I cant lie.. Lying leads to using. I cut old friends off for good. They are not real mates. I’ve got new mates now all clean and I trust.

        I lead a honest life. I work for the Bank mon to fri.. But Sundays I now do care work which is rewarding and helps me. I can’t drink anymore. I meditate. I’m a better dad. I feel so much happier now.

        I compare it to.. When your at school and not a worry in the world. That good feeling. I feel like that and I have my life back. But I am. Not cured. I have to do this program the rest of my life. I can go into more detail if your husband wants to stop

        Does he??

        If he does not and its effecting you and your mental health, and financial health. Do u really want to keep putting up with that.. Hope this helps. Feel free to ask me anything. Just making my tea so it’s a bit rushed.. Sorry

    • #28183
      ash2013
      Participant

      .

    • #28184
      ash2013
      Participant

      Hi Debbie,

      I dont think he has any intention of stopping, if he’s doing it with his son, then he sees no harm in it, and until he sees the harm he wont face it.

      You have done all you can to suggest you talk before his kids arrive, but he doesnt want to do that, they never want to talk, because he wants to carry on doing coke, and you dont want him to, there is no compromise to be had.

      Its just about damage limitation, you need to protect yourself, if he’s not willing to deal with the elephant in the room, you shouldnt be expected to live with it either xx

    • #28186
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      I know everything you say is true but how do I deal with it if I want to stay with him. I so wish I didn’t but we also do have some really good times together. Its like I am addicted to him. He says he’s not addicted or at least doesn’t have a problem but that almost makes it worse as he said that he promised me he wouldn’t do it as he knew how I felt and that it would be the end of us but he did do it so he put coke first and me second.Maybe he just knows that I will take him back and so doesn’t really care if I find out. He has also said that I will never mean as much to him as his sons do and he will always put them first which I kind of understand. When we had a 2 week separation recently he said it was his darkest and saddest days that he can remember and I asked him last night if he wanted our marriage to work and he said yes or why else would he move his stuff back in. I am now sitting here wondering what I have done wrong and why is he in a bad mood with me – its all so confusing and hurtful. I have never been in such a toxic relationship before. I spend most of my time wondering when we will next split up. How can that be a marriage. I don’t even know if we will make it to our honeymoon (which has been delayed 4 times since covid) and have to pay the balance next week. It’s all such a mess. If someone had told me I would be married to a coke addict who belittles me and casts me aside when his sons are here, lies through his teeth so easily and that I have zero trust in and doesn’t contribute anything to the cost of our living I would never have believed it. I was a very confident person and now am just a wreck xx

    • #28187
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      I know everything you say is true but how do I deal with it if I want to stay with him. I so wish I didn’t but we also do have some really good times together. Its like I am addicted to him. He says he’s not addicted or at least doesn’t have a problem but that almost makes it worse as he said that he promised me he wouldn’t do it as he knew how I felt and that it would be the end of us but he did do it so he put coke first and me second.Maybe he just knows that I will take him back and so doesn’t really care if I find out. He has also said that I will never mean as much to him as his sons do and he will always put them first which I kind of understand. When we had a 2 week separation recently he said it was his darkest and saddest days that he can remember and I asked him last night if he wanted our marriage to work and he said yes or why else would he move his stuff back in. I am now sitting here wondering what I have done wrong and why is he in a bad mood with me – its all so confusing and hurtful. I have never been in such a toxic relationship before. I spend most of my time wondering when we will next split up. How can that be a marriage. I don’t even know if we will make it to our honeymoon (which has been delayed 4 times since covid) and have to pay the balance next week. It’s all such a mess. If someone had told me I would be married to a coke addict who belittles me and casts me aside when his sons are here, lies through his teeth so easily and that I have zero trust in and doesn’t contribute anything to the cost of our living I would never have believed it. I was a very confident person and now am just a wreck xx

      • #28188
        ash2013
        Participant

        Debbie, I’m sat here now thinking back and I’m being reminded of all the pain I went through, which you are now going through, I feel so sad, angry, upset and annoyed that yet again, someone else, someone kind, someone good, is having to deal with this crap hand they;ve been dealt, all because of cocaine.

        You spend all your time playing things over and over again in your head. You dont understand whats wrong with you, you blame yourself. Don’t… stop doing that, none of this is your fault! Its easy for me to say this now, but when you are where you are you can’t see a way out.

        I know you love him, but you need to love yourself, and YOU deserve to be happy in your life.

        Harsh as it sounds, he is having his cake and eating it. There is such a thing as co-dependency in relationships with addicts. There is a lady called Amanda something, who wrote a book about it, which I read and now can’t find. I’m going to look for it because it may make more sense of what you are feeling x

      • #28189
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        unfortunately if we could all say those magic words to break our addicts out of their stupors, we would…and a lot of addicts would beg us to say them.

        there is probably nothing you can say or do to make him change, as change comes from within. it’s not you who has the problem… and from all accounts you sound like a very nice, successful lady who is being dragged down.

        i can tell you this from my experience..firstly… no matter how hard i tried and the hoops id jump through to make my husband happy during his active addicts.. nothing… literally nothing.. made him happy. he’d just find some small thing to fire off about and then, as it turns out…sneak off and use.

        secondly..being in this type of manipulative, dishonest and confusing relationship takes its toll on everything you think you are. self-esteem goes down the toilet.

        thirdly… during the worst part of his addiction i became suicidal… and he still couldn’t care less… he used it as an excuse to use.

        ash is right about the gaslighting they do xx

    • #28190
      ash2013
      Participant

      The book is called Hope Street, by Amanda Andruzzi x

    • #28192
      ash2013
      Participant

      Totally agree with what Faith has said with her 3 points, and I can even relate to the third too, I too was suicidal because I could not see any way out. I ended up in hospital after a feeble attempt at an overdose, and while I was led on the lounge carpet, he was snorting cocaine in the kitchen, and saying ‘what did you do that for, you’ve f**ked it now’

      Until he is ready to sort himself out, there is nothing you can do. xx

      • #28193
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        good lord that’s stark x

        I’m so sad to read that ash. I’m so glad you made it through and things did eventually improve.

        they are basically inhuman on this drug, it’s almost impossible to believe unless you’ve been on the inside, as we all are. they are all but the living dead.

        debbie, you have our full support. right beside you and you will get through this situation and keep your head held high.

        xx

    • #28197
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Hi Ash, Faith and Danman

      I’m so sorry that Ash and Faith hit that rock bottom level too but I can also understand how you got there. It’s shocking that coke is so responsible for these awful feelings.

      Danman – thank you for your message. The trouble is with my husband is that he won’t admit that he has a problem – I expect when we talk he will tell me its just the odd line of coke for when he is feeling stressed but he tested positive on urine tests for about 3 weeks when I was doing it when he didn’t know until I eventually told him what I had been doing after Christmas was over. He had very odd sleeping hours often staying up late then having to sleep in the afternoon and was always tired. That was when he swore to me that he wouldn’t take it again and so stupidly I believed him and we were getting on great. He started going to the loo downstairs in the morning and I knew then but just swept it under the carpet until 2 weeks ago when I asked to test him and he gave me a sample pot of water and when I said this he then said he couldn’t give me urine as he would test positive. I have caught him out about 6 times and each time he has been remorseful and I have forgiven him. Two weeks ago he left and then basically returned last weekend and we haven’t yet talked. Anyway to cut a long story short I think I am going to bring it up tonight and was wondering if you had any advice about how I should go about it?

    • #28198
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Hi Ash, Faith and Danman

      I’m so sorry that Ash and Faith hit that rock bottom level too but I can also understand how you got there. It’s shocking that coke is so responsible for these awful feelings.

      Danman – thank you for your message. The trouble is with my husband is that he won’t admit that he has a problem – I expect when we talk he will tell me its just the odd line of coke for when he is feeling stressed but he tested positive on urine tests for about 3 weeks when I was doing it when he didn’t know until I eventually told him what I had been doing after Christmas was over. He had very odd sleeping hours often staying up late then having to sleep in the afternoon and was always tired. That was when he swore to me that he wouldn’t take it again and so stupidly I believed him and we were getting on great. He started going to the loo downstairs in the morning and I knew then but just swept it under the carpet until 2 weeks ago when I asked to test him and he gave me a sample pot of water and when I said this he then said he couldn’t give me urine as he would test positive. I have caught him out about 6 times and each time he has been remorseful and I have forgiven him. Two weeks ago he left and then basically returned last weekend and we haven’t yet talked. Anyway to cut a long story short I think I am going to bring it up tonight and was wondering if you had any advice about how I should go about it?

      • #28201
        ash2013
        Participant

        Hi Debbie,

        I hate to say, but I dont think you bringing it up will achieve anything.

        Maybe you need to just tell him what your worries/concerns are, and explain why you can’t live this way. He either gets it, or he doesnt, and if he doesnt then thats disrespectful to you, as his wife. I’m sure he will play it down, but if its a problem for you, then its a problem.

        You are going about everything the right way, in terms of being non confrontational, not losing it, remaining calm, but he is taking the p…. and you didn’t sign up for this.

        x

      • #28207
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        i would say that there is no point bringing it up unless you have prepared mentally and emotionally to set out a firm boundary, and most of all ..be ready to stick with the outcome.

        he plainly hasn’t cared for your feelings up til now and from what you say is almost hellbound to get defensive, deflect on to you and then you’ll end up feeling like the bad one… this is classic denial on his part.

        personally if you don’t want to be married to someone actively abusing cocaine, then he must surely stop using and prove he is doing so. otherwise you must either learn to live with it (which i would not personally do) or lovingly detatch and try to heal yourself from all this trauma.

        a lot of addicts struggle to get clean, but at least they’re trying (look at danman… he isn’t stopping trying to give up and it’s hard, hard work but he knows what to do and is doing it) .. sadly you’re bloke won’t even seem to admit there’s a problem. it’s heartbreaking to read. lile ash.. im so upset and sad and annoyed that yet more nice people are having their lives devasted by this awful, horrible demon that is addiction.

        if you do bring it up .. just go straight to the point and be frank… you’ve got this… but if you can’t bring yourself to do so, we’ll all understand as it’s going to be a painful discussion xxx

    • #28208
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      I think I would rather just get it out of the way but how do I set boundaries if I’m not confrontational and take the softly softly approach with no judgement – sorry to be a wet drip about this but it’s how I feel at the moment. I think your second paragraph says it all. A lot of it is about the lies, deceit, disrespect and nastiness that comes with coke. I do know that I can’t stay married if he carries on taking it both mentally and financially. Why should I subsidise and enable someone to do something that I disagree with – I’ll let you know tomorrow how things went and thank you again for all your support – it helps enormously xx

      • #28209
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        i mean id just dive in and say “look love, this just isn’t working for me… ” then issue and ultimatum… i just dont see him turning it round so your marriage could well go up in flames… maybe if he had to go he might realise he’s at a fork in the road.. marriage or cocaine xx

      • #28216
        ash2013
        Participant

        Hi Debbie,

        How are you doing? I hope you are ok xx

        • #28222
          faithnotfear
          Participant

          same, I’ve been thinking of debbie a lot today and really hope all is well xx

    • #28225
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Hi

      Well we had a talk yesterday and basically he said that he uses occasionally and that he hasn’t had any since Easter which was after we split up – he did it with his son and his son’s friends – apparently they provided it. He says he can’t promise he won’t do it again but that he will tell me when he does. He said he is happy for me to test him whenever. I said that why did he test positive for so long during Christmas and he said that it shows different results if you have drank alcohol etc. Had an answer for everything. When he left 3 weeks ago he was so remorseful in his texts and even on Easter Sunday he was so upset that he had hurt me but either that day or the day after he did coke. I just don’t get it. Anyway he managed to turn it round to make me feel guilty and that it was because of me that he had left not him doing coke for the way I had asked his son not to allow the dog to jump up and all the things that I had made him and his children feel unwelcome but that was because I felt they were using me. Once again he made me feel bad that he didn’t feel like this was his home. I don’t know how he managed to twist it all round. Last night we went for something to eat and I don’t know how it came up but he said I had left my laptop open with my bank account details and what money I had in them and he said he took a photo. I was stunned that he did this sneaking behind my back but his justification was that I had left it open for all to see which obviously I didn’t as I didn’t want him to know what money I had. Once again he twisted this round and managed to somehow now say that I think he is a gold digger and he is absolutely fuming. And now I am left wondering if he is going to come back tonight with his sons but I highly doubt it and once again it will be my fault. I am at the point now where I know that I should stop this marriage as it is so toxic even though yesterday we said we would put the past in the past and try and make it work even though he didn’t really give me much information about the coke I forgave him yet again. xx

      • #28226
        ash2013
        Participant

        Hey Debbie,

        Well done for having the chat, it was very brave of you.

        I’ll be frank, from what you’ve written, he is absolutely taking the mickey. From what you have said, I think he is playing down his use of coke. He thinks that if he says you can test him anytime that you probably wont, or if you do he’ll have an excuse and he can get away with it.

        I’m trying to work out why he told you he took a photo of your bank accounts, sometimes addicts double bluff you by admitting they’ve done something, but then using it to justify the craziness to themselves. Like, ‘you want to know what i’m doing, well I know what you’ve got’. This all rings alarm bells to me, he says he thinks you think he’s a gold digger, well as you have money and he doesn’t he probably is!!

        He seems to be walking all over you. He wont promise to stop, but he will tell you when he does it…. what is that for? To ease his guilty conscience? I promise you, he wont tell you every time he does it, and if you catch him out he’ll have accidentally forgot because it was only a tiny bit or whatever.

        Oh Debbie, I wish I knew how to fix this for you, but I think you need to be a bit selfish here, and think about yourself, and your confidence, and your life xx

      • #28228
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        and don’t you dare feel guilty about putting your needs first! you’ve every right to feel happy, safe and respected in your life and home. it’s okay to say No.. this isn’t good for me. And walk away, even maybe not a permanent separation or divorce, just a break from it all and see if he comes up trumps or not.

        He doesn’t see an issue with taking coke frequently. You do. (i would too!) Until there is a compromise from those two polar positions there will be problems.

        Put yourself first and think about all the lovely things you could be doing instead of dealing with this misery xxx

      • #28230
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        also that bit about him telling you when he does it… what?? how would that work??

        so what.. he says debbie, im thinking of doing drugs tonight/took drugs last night.. what on earth are you meant to say to that?

        oh that’s great, thanks for telling me (brackets your permitting him, therefore it’s your responsibility for the drug use, not his) ..

        or … would you go with a gut response and get accused of moaning, nagging, being a killjoy… all that usual addict nonsense that they then use as a springboard to go off and use yet more drugs. (obviously your fault again!)

        I know some relationships will tolerate and deal with active addiction and if it works for them then that’s great. i would never slate someone for trying to maintain a relationship if that’s what they want to do.

        however i dobwonder how happy they really are. are they actually dying inside? what about the behaviour of a person in active addiction… they’re generally not pleasant to be around (understatement!)… what if you have kids? is it really a good environment, im not sure.

        and… it kills me greatly to know and try to come to terms with the fact that i lived in such appalling conditions, i would never knowingly have put my poor kids through that. good god No!

        Never Again.

        i hope it never comes to that huh ????

        debbie, ive rambled on long enough, i really wish you all the strength and hope he treats you kindly this weekend xxx

        • #28231
          ash2013
          Participant

          Faith, you put it all so well.

          I think this really comes down to, can you deal with being married to someone who takes drugs, because really thats all there is to think about.

          I’m not about to tell you what to do, because I didnt listen to my closest friends because I thought I knew best. BUT, if I didnt have a child with mine, I would have left him long ago, because we’ve been married 14 years, together 17, our child is 10, and for at least 50% of the time we’ve been together, it was rubbish, and for 10% of it, it was truly awful, looking back now I wonder if I should have had my head read, manipulation was off the scale, lies were daily, outbursts, accusations, belittling, treading on eggshells.

          I still now, think deeply before I speak because I’ve learned how to engage differently in response to his past reactions to situations. I don’t need to, but its ingrained now. Certain clothes he wears triggers my brain to remembering certain moments, certain places bring back memories, its not a great situation to be in.

          I dont know how he treats you generally, i mean when you are doing what he wants and not asking questions, probably ok right…. So can you put up with living like that, and also thinking that it could get worse as he doesnt think he has a problem.

          I wish you strength too Debbie x

    • #28227
      faithnotfear
      Participant

      hmmm so many alarm bells ringing here!!! but good for you bringing it up as that took a lot of courage. unfortunately he sounds like he has been able to manipulate everything tbat was said in his favour so that you carry all the responsibility for this situation.

      he paints himself and his kids as the victims of your behaviour, so that you feel bad and he doesn’t have to, classic manipulation tactic.

      my first immediate reaction to him saying he hasn’t done any since Easter is … well that’s only a few days and what proof is there… my husband was very woolly about dates when he got caught… made out he’d cut right down over the previous few weeks but when i pointed out what he himself had told me. it was absolute rubbish! not saying your husband lied but hmmm… and his answer to splitting from you over cocaine is to do more? with his son??? hmmm hmm hmmm … are you close enough with his son to have a conversation with him about all this… (whose idea was it to get the drugs)… also… he does it, his son does it, the friends do it… so many alarm bells going off about all that x

      his view on the tests… very convenient… the more heavy user you are the longer to test negative and it is true that alcohol makes it take longer to clear… but if he wants to prove himself clean surely it should be easy enough, right?

      as for the bank … very, very shady indeed.

      i can’t tell you what to do in your relationship, only you can decide that..and getting out of a relationship is so traumatic and hard. bloody hell, i can talk… i put up with terrible things and I’m that ashamed i can’t even bear to speak of them… all very clear reasons to have gotten out, but i didn’t.

      however…. please. please make sure you have that legal safety behind you… don’t let yourself be financially ruined in the name of love as whatever the outcome of this marriage, you need to be able to live and look forward to a future which you clearly have worked so hard towards.

      xxx

    • #28232
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Thank you both of you – I feel I’m getting 2 good friends here who are also offering me good advice. My heart tells me to stay but my head tells me to leave. Perhaps I will try to prolong it until we go on holiday at the beginning of July for 3 weeks with no drugs and none of his family with us – just us two and if that doesn’t work then it really will be time to call it quits. If we don’t make it to that date then I think I will go to a retreat …. xx

      • #28233
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        aw .. we’re like the little voices in your head telling you what you already know deep down xx

        a retreat sounds heavenly, why wait til july? ????

      • #28234
        ash2013
        Participant

        Are you going abroad Debbie? So he can’t take any with him I mean 🙂 xx

    • #28235
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Yes it is our honeymoon which has been delayed 4 times now – going to Africa – so looking forward to it but to be honest I’m not sure we will even get to be together that long and that’s only 8 weeks away. We’ve been back together for a week now and already it has gone wrong xx

    • #28358
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Just a little update – had a bit of a thing this weekend as he asked me to test him and the test line was quite faint. The strips I got give you a positive reading if there is only one line but negative with a dark line and another line underneath. Wanted me to test again which I did with the same results. As I left the room to go get the tests I could hear him saying ‘you can’t control me and I can do what I want’ – I didn’t react to this and he also said don’t text him with anything to do with cocaine as I had texted him on Friday ‘please don’t take any coke’ as he was out with male friends – he was quite angry about this. I hope as he had asked me to do the test that he hasn’t been taking it but on Saturday night when all this started perhaps he was craving some as was in a very bad mood and fairly drunk too xx

      • #28359
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        wait… so he asked you to do the test and then moaned about it!?

        did you mean the result was a faint positive? if so, it means that he took cocaine at some point in the not too distant past.

        depending on when the test was done maybe even prior to the night out with friends/maybe he did a small amount when out.

        either way it doesn’t sound like a very happy conversation, or weekend.

        he still sounds like he thinks you’re the one with the problem, you’re ruining all his “fun” x

      • #28361
        ash2013
        Participant

        Hi Debbie,

        God this sounds so familiar, so he may have thought that not doing it for a few days would mean is test would be clear, I mean, why would he offer to do one if he thought he’d fail it! What day did he suggest you test him? Friday before he went out, or Saturday after he’d been out? Its possible he didnt do it and the feinter line was from past use, but he also may have only dont a small amount and maybe thought it wouldn’t show! Or maybe was bluffing you and thought you wouldn’t say, ok lets take a test then.

        Alcohol is definitely a trigger to wanting it for some people, it was for my husband, and he doesn’t drink at all now.

        If he appeared very drunk he probably hadn’t done any, coke straightens you out if you are drunk, I’ve seen my husband 6 beers, a bottle of wine, and half a dozen whiskeys not appear in the slightest bit drunk when he’s done coke at the same time! xx

    • #28360
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Yes he asked me to do a test and it was a faint negative but the line was still there so presume he was negative but was angry – not sure why but yes he is still seeming to blame me for stopping him from doing it – I don’t think he wants to actually stop it but maybe was angry as was having a craving for it xx

    • #28362
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Hi he suggested doing it on the Saturday after he had been out – the people that he was out with would definitely not do coke. He did appear quite drunk and hungover from the previous night so perhaps fingers crossed he didn’t do it but was just craving it as maybe alcohol is his trigger xx

      • #28363
        ash2013
        Participant

        I’d take a guess that he didn’t do it, especially if the guys he was with don’t do it. So he probably thought he would be clean, but like I’ve said before, it took my husband 2-3 weeks to get a totally clear test, so a faint line could indicate use in the last week or so, but possibly longer, until he gets a clear test, and it remains that way, there is no telling really. xx

      • #28365
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        maybe he thought he would be clear and in doing the test was trying to fiigure out whether he can get away with it during the week… ie… if he did x amount after y hours… does it still show?

        maybe he was disappointed as he won’t be able to get away with much!? they are crafty ***ers … but not as clever as they think!

    • #28366
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      ha ha yes they are…

      I was also wondering that if he did a test this weekend gone and it was clear then perhaps I wouldn’t test him for a while so he could get away with it this week etc

      Makes you so untrusting doesn’t it but I suppose for a reason for all the lies etc from before.

      xx

      • #28367
        ash2013
        Participant

        I thought the same Faith! They are and he will be annoyed that he probably did some when working away, thought it wouldn’t show by Saturday…. but boom, it did. Then he’s annoyed, and deflecting that mood onto Debbie.

        Debbie, I would explain that you know the tests will show after a period of time, so you’ll be happy when he does a test that is clean, and then it remains clean whenever he is tested.

        If he doesn’t accept that, then he isnt ready to stop, IMO

        xx

        • #28368
          faithnotfear
          Participant

          bang on ash!

          it’s either clear or he’s taken drugs! if anything that test can be a baseline… obviously it will be completely clear next time, right!?

          yeah… i used to be a massive optimist and take people at their word/give the benefit of the doubt etc… not any more though… everyone looks shady these days and i am very, very cynical ????

    • #28370
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      That’s how I feel, so cynical – he phoned me just now and said he was on the High Street and my immediate thought was that he was meeting his dealer as I won’t see him until Wednesday evening. I really don’t want to have to feel like this but now we have paid a non refundable balance for the honeymoon so feel I have to try to make this work with everything I have and hope that he will too. I am feeling a lot stronger now though and for the first time ever a couple of times over the weekend I found myself looking at him and thinking do I really want this person in my life. It’s his birthday this weekend and I think we are going to stay at his mum’s house and his kids will be there including the one that hates me (this was also said to me over the weekend – I was thinking my kids hate you but I would never say this to you!!) I am dreading that he will stay up late and take coke again with his son. xx

      • #28371
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        it’s okay to take time to figure out what we really want from our relationship, and even whether we want it at all x

        my husband and i talked yesterday about how this horrible thing is always going to be there, no matter what and maybe walking away might have been easier.

        we’re all just acrabbling in the remains of what we thought we had, sometimes there are enough pieces to make something worthwhile, but it’s never the same. some parts of our relationship are better, but it still points back to the bad stuff.

        i hope we make it and I’m 100% committed, but it’s not got that shine we once had.

        in honesty i should have walked away years ago, before the drugs .. everyone envied us but behind closed doors he’s been an absolute nightmare… that’s how he got away with it for so long.. he was just worse than normal and progressed into complete insanity over the active addiction period.

        anyway… what im saying is… dont beat yourself up for not leaving a tricky relationship… it’s not that easy x

      • #28372
        ash2013
        Participant

        Err – ‘I was thinking my kids hate you but I would never say this to you!!’ but he just said it, such random behaviour.

        The problem is Debbie that you”ll always be wondering, always be dreading events, not wanting the weekend to come, not wanting anyone to invite him anywhere, the trust is disappearing. And he has to work on that with you, rather than act how he currently is.

        Would he honestly do it at his mothers house with his son?? One place I knew i’d be safe would be my in laws, as he would NEVER have done it there.

        I think you really know the answer to your own questions in your head, its just acting on what your head is telling you xx

        • #28375
          faithnotfear
          Participant

          my beloved crossed that bridge (parents/best friend’s house/anywhere

          and everywhere) unfortunately.. the only no go zones were when other people were physically in the room… now either it is true or he is so mortified that he wishes it weren’t true ????

          once one boundary is crossed you might as well just put them all in the bin!

      • #28502
        notmyrealname
        Participant

        I know the things that they say hurt but none of it is how they truly feel. If you read the posts from the ex addicts they talk about regrets and how deliberately horrible they would be in order to start an argument and that in their twisted reality gave them an excuse to go using cocaine. They will try anything as an excuse to why they have to use it.

        We all have those moment of feeling we hate them or our kids hate them or someone else should hate them and that’s another sad thing is that it also turns us in to people we’re not as we have to be cold and heartless to get through this way of living.

        There’s no way I would cover up from his family now. I’m just open about it as the sneaky addict side of them would lie or even just mislead to make situations out to be your fault or find excuses for everything. Once other people know the situation it’s easier for them to help or be more understanding. I know it’s embarrassing but it helps if you have someone you can talk to. You don’t have to take any of their advice BUT when you are being gaslighted/blamed for everything, misled it helps to see how a person who hasn’t been tricked by them would see things.

        It’s always interesting on here how one of us thinks what we are going through is so embarrassing and we are ashamed when a it’s not us doing it and b there’s always someone else on here who has been through whatever it is.

        • #28511
          faithnotfear
          Participant

          hi notmyrealname x

          i haven’t seen you on here for a while and i can’t remember your story. are you in the situation of a partner in recovery or active addiction? my husband is almost 15 months clean but it’s still a struggle for us both. staying off the drug is the *easy* part… he struggles with shame and paranoia and low self esteem and i struggle to accept where we are/where i am and what he’s said and done because of his addiction.

          i know it was the addiction speaking for him, but he chose to go down the dangerous path of secretly taking cocaine… how did he think it would work out!? if you regularly ingest addictive substances it inevitably will lead to addiction.

          yes, i know nobody sets out to be an addict but most people take sensible steps to avoid such a life. i feel very let down, even though im relieved he got clean.

          now im waffling!

          sending love, as always to my fellow addicts’ wives/partners/loved ones xx

          • #28519
            notmyrealname
            Participant

            Hi I think it’s somewhere in between, lots of ups and downs, he’s done a lot more longer period of not doing it 3/4 days in a row, was an every day user.so he’s stuck in a cycle currently of doing the few good days, returning to normal person we enjoy being around and then after a day or so of normality he ends up doing it again. Currently struggling with being supportive as so hurt and upset that he ends up choosing it every time and then is so sorry and apparently disappointed in himself. He’s had some progress going on meetings and really related to the people he spoke to in them but basically there hasn’t been much consistency yet. They can’t do it unless they really want to can they.

            • #28526
              faithnotfear
              Participant

              aw sounds like you’re trapped in the worst of both worlds… just able to see and feel how things could be, and having it ripped away every time. that’s very tough x

              i think if my husband relapses i will walk away, but when it comes down to it that’s not very easy to do as we’ve been together 18 yrs and have kids. i am also 100% financially dependent on him.

              it’s good that your husband is trying as it shows he deep down knows it’s a bad scene, i guess the addiction voice is very loud for him.

              but yes, it’s a hard road and they have to be ready to fight for their sobriety x

              • #28797
                notmyrealname
                Participant

                Exactly, I’ve even had his family members saying walk away but they don’t have any kids so it’s hard to explain that to them. Thanks for understanding. I don’t know how anyone could think we would take any decision lightly in this situation. The gaps between have been getting longer, he really wants to do it this time. Been trying to stay positive. Me and the kids have loved being around him just as himself.

              • #28799
                faithnotfear
                Participant

                aw that’s okay, I’ve actually come close to asking my husband to leave this week as although he isn’t taking the drugs any more all the associated behaviour which led to his addiction have been popping up too much lately (paranoia/self-centeredness/obsessive behaviour/bad tempered and argumentative)… i told him that though i know he hasn’t taken drugs, the way he behaves I’m dreading him being around and when i look at him all i see is the man who betrayed me and the kids for a great many years.

                it’s really sad but i think he is quite mentally shaky and much as i don’t want to desert him, at the same time it’s up to him to do the work and he’s already taken so much from me.

                anyway, he’s taken it on board, for now.

                i think it’s probably inevitable we will separate eventually. i think even the kids have had enough.

                hey-ho xx

              • #28806
                notmyrealname
                Participant

                They do that nastiness so that when you have a go at them their warped way of thinking justifies that they had to take some coke because even we are against them. They try to find an excuse. I usually just say I know what you are doing you’re trying to find an excuse to do it, and he has even at times admitted this once he realised. It’s not even conscious their sneaky brain can do it. You just have to ride through it (well if you can/want to).

              • #28807
                faithnotfear
                Participant

                oh yes! that’s a good call you made there, it is the sneaky side of his brain dropping into the old habit.. old habits are the hardest to break indeed!!!!

                as it goes my husband’s bad behaviour began many years before the drugs started, it just got progressively worse to the point that he actually thought he was untouchable… hence the drugs and the fact that i just thought *good grief, he’s worse than ever* never realising i was living with a coked up lunatic. puts chills down my spine now just thinking about it and what he was actually capable of doing.

                i guess he still is too as it never really goes away does it ????

                isn’t it exhausting dealing with it all ..

    • #28373
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      what I meant was that my kids hate him but I would never say that to him whereas he said it very easily to me that his middle one hates me because I left France even though I left France because of his behaviour!

      Yes that was where he did it apparently the last time on Easter Sunday even though he knew that we had split because of it – I found that really hard to fathom as he had texted me that day that the last 7 days had been the hardest and saddest days of his life and that he was deeply remorseful about letting me down and yet that evening he took it at his mum’s house – she goes to bed at 8pm and his son and his son’s friends and him ended up playing poker and one of them produced some coke and he obviously couldn’t bring himself to say no!

      I am on an emotional roller coaster at the moment – he is still very belittling at times to me and I end up protecting myself to him and sometimes don’t say how I am feeling to avoid any confrontation with him.

      Time will tell I guess xx

    • #28374
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      what I meant was that my kids hate him but I would never say that to him whereas he said it very easily to me that his middle one hates me because I left France even though I left France because of his behaviour!

      Yes that was where he did it apparently the last time on Easter Sunday even though he knew that we had split because of it – I found that really hard to fathom as he had texted me that day that the last 7 days had been the hardest and saddest days of his life and that he was deeply remorseful about letting me down and yet that evening he took it at his mum’s house – she goes to bed at 8pm and his son and his son’s friends and him ended up playing poker and one of them produced some coke and he obviously couldn’t bring himself to say no!

      I am on an emotional roller coaster at the moment – he is still very belittling at times to me and I end up protecting myself to him and sometimes don’t say how I am feeling to avoid any confrontation with him.

      Time will tell I guess xx

    • #28506
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Thank you for your reply. He seems to have got a bit nicer since stopping. I have tested him regularly now and it so far is negative – praying it will last. He has now started smoking weed though and I went mad when I found out this weekend but I guess it is better than taking coke. I asked how he got it and said it was from his son’s friend. I said to him that I would have thought he would have stopped for the sake of his middle son who was a weed addict and has now stopped. He said that I can’t control him and he smoked it before he met me. I really wish that he was completely drug free but as I said it is better than coke. He also splashed out and added to our holiday which was a total surprise to me and a good surprise.

      xx

      • #28508
        notmyrealname
        Participant

        Mine does too and as you say in ideal situation I would rather he didn’t but I can tolerate that. It sounds wonderful about your holiday, I haven’t been on holiday for ages and would love to, in the current situation I think I will be going without him as we really deserve a holiday and he’s not interested and isn’t in the right place at the moment. I’ve just got to be brave for me to book it for us myself and be confident to go if he won’t be coming as it’s hard to adjust as my confidence has been knocked by all of this.

    • #28509
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Ours is our 4th attempt at going on honeymoon as it has been delayed so many times because of covid. Definitely go if you have to on your own – it will be good for you to just relax away from home and sit in the sun and read a book. You never know he might just go if book for a month or so time. A change of location would be great for you both. I can totally relate to your confidence being knocked sideways as mine has too x

      • #28510
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        wow debbie!!! he finally tested negative ????

        what great news. and his general deneanor has lifted!

        i really hope it stays this way and you make your holiday… the longer they stay clear of that stuff the better perspective they have of reality. maybe he can turn this around after all if he sees how enjoyable life can be without cocaine ruining everything.

        on the weed… i confess i have smoked occasionally for over 30 years. BUT… i can take it or leave it. ive gone years without smoking but I’ll be honest i have used it for medicinal reasons a lot last year, a small amount in the evening to help me sleep – it’s gentler than the chemical stuff from the doc . however… it’s once again about the whole attitude around it. if you’re spoiling everyone’s lives around you then you have a problem. if you’re prioritising it over life.. a big problem. if you’re someone who struggles with addiction … you’re highly likely to develope a problem.

        It’s not a stimulant like cocaine, therefore you don’t necessarily have the extreme irritability… however heavily usage definitely will lead to mood swings and the modern weed varieties are sometimes pretty strong.

        Do be mindful. But I’m so glad he finally came back negative xx

    • #28512
      she
      Participant

      Debbie that’s fabulous that you’ve finally turned a corner. My hubby is now 9 months clean from drugs 4 months from smoking but unfortunately still drinks. Thos is very much his new issue . He’s paranoid when drunk thinks people are after him going to kill him and that I know who they are. Just two days ago he said he didn’t love me anymore and we should part. I didn’t respond as it ends up heated . I kinda take the shit. We are due to go away in June for his 50th and he says he’ll leave after that . I call bull on this as I’d spoke to him about his drink. And this is his retaliation. He wants me to scream at him and throw him out . I’ve refused as I know the pattern he tells his family I’m mad and that it’s my fault so he feels better he didn’t do it. I probably should but when he says under his breath thinking I can’t hear that no one live hi. And he doesn’t live him so how can others. ( oh he also reckons hes not got me issues)

    • #28515
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      Thats exactly how it became with coke – I would throw him out and then it was all my fault as I threw him out not him deciding to leave and his family would blame me as they didn’t know the true reason why I threw him out. Mine still drinks but he doesn’t generally get nasty on it although the weekend before last he did get angry and say I can’t control him and what he does etc etc but I think that was probably because he was craving coke.

      When he says he doesn’t love you anymore and that you should part – is that the drink talking and when sober he doesn’t want that?? I am learning not to respond to his rants and walk away but occasionally I forget and it turns heated. Then I think why did I retaliate? But I guess it’s just human nature to try to defend yourself.

      Thanks FNF – long may it last but I don’t think I have seen the end of this as he says that he will tell me if he does again eg when playing poker late into the night. I think that if this happens it will be the long slippery slope to using again. I have said I will accept that but in reality I don’t. Hoping that it doesn’t happen and I am absolutely going to ban any coke in the house so hopefully his son won’t bring coke and friends round to play poker.

      Absolutely gorgeous day and now off to mow the lawn xx

    • #28521
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      I think that is what is going to happen to my husband but I am praying not but not too optimistic at the moment – I dread the day I find out he has been taking it again. I think he has done about a month without taking it

    • #28752
      hopeful2022
      Participant

      Hey,

      I am new here after just catching up on 53 pages. Relating to most things that have been said.

      I learnt of my husbands drug addiction in Dec 2021 – in which he was distraught and promised he would not do it again as he did not have a problem. Fast forward 2 weeks after our wedding in March. My gut was telling me to check his banking app.. Payments to dealers right in front of me. I confronted him and he was so sorry and disgusted at himself again. We cleared the drug bills with some of the wedding money. He even brought the ‘friend’ to our new house and told him he was not losing all this and to take his money and not to contact him regarding drugs again.

      Fastforward to 3 weeks ago when sH!t hit the fan. He got smarter. Lifting cash to make payments – I know this because he left his bank card and I took it and got a mini statement to see what was happening as I could only go through his phone when he was drunk as he is a light sleeper. I know I sound crazy but this is what it has made me. The man I love had changed, it has altered his personality to a paranoid, lying, shadow of man.

      When I confronted him this time he is a completely different person – the anger in him. He just up and leaves. Telling me to leave and run because he will drag me down with him. I called my mum for an intervention. That went down like a led balloon. He left the house and refused to come back until she had left. He returned 4 hours later, snatching my phone to see who I had been texting and what I had said. This man I did not know. We have always had the fun/banter/easy going relationship. Yes some hard times over the 13 years but nothing ever like this. We rarely fight but since we have got married all we have had is issues which is now clear it is the drugs and not me like I had thought!

      On Saturday a letter came through for a missed car payment – to which he said it’s been paid and gave a date it leaves his account which makes no sense because it was dated before the payment is due out. LIE again. I told him what I expected from him going forward. He has let me have access to his emails to sort out loans and overdraft and agreed to go on a DMP/IVA as he has said he is done and out of money to continue this and he wants his life back. I have got the ball rolling today on this. He has also agreed to move his salary into our joint account (which he has no access to) and move all his bills here. He has also agreed to change his number once his drug debt is paid and block and remove any numbers. He has also agreed to drug tests every 3 days.

      He will not seek any help. The most he has done is ring his dr for anxiety meds as I said this may help with the stress at work which led to his addiction.

      He is doing everything I ask but I can’t help feeling deflated and sad and waiting on the next suspicion to arise.

      Any advice would be grateful!

      • #28800
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        hi hopeful,

        sorry for not replying earlier, it’s been one of those weeks and my husband, despite being clean, has been slipping into his old behavioural habits. grrr.

        I’d like to say welcome to this forum, but its

      • #28801
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        … sorry… sausage fingers pressed submit!

        yes…welcome to this place where people like us, generally women try to find some fragments of sense in this horrible, frightening world we’ve been thrown into. x

        so.. you’ve had a bit of a time of it and it definitely sounds like your husband is quite heavily addicted, the lies and deception, and sheer cunning they employ are all part of the illness, and it really helps you deal with things if you keep the fact that is an illness at the front of your mind.

        as they’ve taken more of this drug (or any addictive substance) their brain will have cjanged

      • #28802
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        fs.. sausage fingers again!

        their brains rewire to prioritise the drug above everything else.. food, sleep, family and sex.. and as time goes by they stop at nothing to get their fix.. hence addicts are capable of stealing from tbeir own granny!

        the good news is that they can overcome this illness and their brain can relearn it’s normal pathways, they need to be committed and above all, keep trying if they fall.

        a lot of people swear by ca/aa/na… my husband went to ca and it got him on the right track. i made him. he’s glad he did because they are all recovering addicts and obviously know better than anyone the struggle.

        some manage to break the habit without that assistance – ash’s husband managed to do so and has stayed clean.

        what i would say is that you have to do what works for you, and don’t allow them (our addicts) to push you around any more.

        you need to think about what your boundaries are and then get ready to enforce them. addicts love pushing boundaries.

        in terms of his shame… during active addiction they go through cycles of shame, anger at themselves and the world, self-loathing and despair, even suicidal. they generally know what they’re doing is wrong and harmful.

        but… the addict voice in their head lies to them and is the loudest… so they take more drugs in the hope of feeling better and end up feeling even worse. my husband is deeply ashamed of how he has behaved. he has been absolutely horrible and violent because of that stuff. he will never fully get over it.

        at first my husband needed to be treated like a child… no cash/no money/babysat… and regular drug tests.

        he’s okay now on that score.

        do you know how much your husband was using/how long has he had the habit? mine was 2.5 years… and he wanted out but didn’t know how and shame kept it secret.

        i think much longer and it would have been very much harder to get out.

        so yeah, welcome to our corner where we aren’t quite so lonely in this strange world.

        hope my ramblings can help a bit xx

        • #28877
          hopeful2022
          Participant

          It has been full of ups & downs the last 7 months.

          From what I know he has been using heavily for the last 6/7 months, before that was a social thing. Which I always disagreed with as I do not use myself.

          He has handed over access to his emails and will soon be using an account we can both see for his salary as he needs to go into a DMP to pay of debts. His drug bill is being cleared this week. New phone number next week and a clear out of numbers on his phone. He has not used in 2 weeks and I can see his personality coming through again.

          He was at the point this week were the phone bill had not been paid nor the car payments. He was thinking of leaving his job to get one closer if the car had to go back. I really hope this is his rock bottom.

          My close family and several friends know, they have been life savers. I know we are not out of the woods yet but I hope there is light at the end of the tunnel.

          IF we reach here again soon he will be asked to leave and if he cannot sort himself out we will not be together. I have looked into my finances and can afford to live by myself and because we have been married less than a year I can seek an annulment I think. There will be no further chances and his family will be told and can deal with him then.

          • #29049
            faithnotfear
            Participant

            i didn’t reply before because my husband has been very hard work recently (no drugs, just addict type behaviour!) and then we were away for a few days.

            your approach sounds similar to mine… set clear boundaries and either he sorts it our, or we’re on the next bus out of here!

            i think the softly, softly approach lets them think it’s okay, but it’s such hard work and inside we’re hurting a great deal.

            i wondered how you guys are getting on? x

            • #29210
              hopeful2022
              Participant

              Hey, I hope all is well. 🙂

              Oh my.. It’s so weird this is me this week. Addict behavior (is this a thing?) (drugs I dont know yet because I have not done a drug test yet). I am just deflated. Had such a good week. Fun, laughs, seen his old sparkle back then boom back to work and hes edgy, weird.

              We had words on Wednesday like any normal couple. Then he follows me to start an argument. I was like wow!!! Who is this.. He went a walk. His brother rings me at 11pm asking what was going on and why was he being weird and not making sense but didnt seem to be on anything. He was texting me saying he was sick of people always asking if he is on something or questioning him when he isnt. I told him he has a long way to go before people trust him. He didnt come home until 1am. Slept in spare room.

              I am just taken back by this bizarre behavior.. Its what he does when guilt sets in.. This has happened a handful of times this year and now I notice the pattern.

              Hopefully we will talk tonight and he will open up more.

              I am slowly zoning out and feeling more numb.

              • #29353
                faithnotfear
                Participant

                Addict behaviour certainly is a thing in my husband!!! It’s compulsive, impulsive, reckless and self-centered.

                I guess not all addicts are the same but it depends what the addict was like when they became an addict.

                Anyone can become an addict but certain behaviour/personality types are naturally predisposed. My husband probs has undiagnosed adhd… they are highly likely to fall into the addiction trap.

                Ho Hum!

                Anyway… how are you? x

                Did you talk? Is he still clean? x

      • #28805
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        ah meant to say two other things… first and foremost you have probably had a terrible shock, and are feeling very frightened for the future… discovering your loved one is an addict/living with an addict really takes a toll on our mental health.

        i used to be a very positive, outgoing, confident and happy go lucky person, now I’m a shadow of what i used to be, i have very bad ptsd, depressed, anxious, sad and afraid for the future. i always expect the worst now. i look at people and feel afraid of what they’re really like and i have very little ability to trust. im working on this of course. i had six months of talking therapy.

        anyway I’m not moaning… im just saying that it is normal to feel very messed up and confused and heartbroken in our shoes, this life is not what we dreamed of growing up.

        it’s important to acknowledge it and get help/support. all my family and a few close friends know what has happened. they’ve been amazing. we cannot possibly carry this burden alone.

        i totally recommend confiding as you are always surprised by the level of kindness and understanding people actually have.

        failing that… we’re all here for you too xx

        one final thing… addicts need to be extremely careful with prescription medicines… especially those for anxiety etc… could be a very slippery slope here. be very careful.

        anyway… big hugs and take care of yourself xxx????

    • #28813
      Lizzie52
      Participant

      sorry to hear this FNF – I too am seeing the same sort of behaviour from my husband – not so much the paranoia but self centreness and argumentative and belittling but I’m not sure if he has taken the drugs unfortunately. I’m sort of scared to ask him as he will twist it round to me being annoying etc. I’m kind of hanging on to see if our holiday goes well and will take it from there. Its like he resents me for everything I do even the clothes I have bought him for holiday – it’s not thank you it’s ‘for god sake why spend that much on a jacket when I can get it from Amazon (obviously not the same quality!) – I don’t know why I bother sometimes but love to give things and maybe that’s just not the right thing to do?

      Hi Notmyrealname – not sure welcome is the right terminology to use and glad he seems to be going in the right direction. Long may it continue. I have found it really helpful being on here – it’s from people that completely understand what you have been going through not just friends and family who just tell you to leave but don’t understand the web that you are caught up in.

      xx

      • #28831
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        yeah… I’m very familiar with that jacket scenario (grrr)… it’s like if you made them a sandwich or folded their clothes they’re doing YOU a bloody favour by accepting your meagre efforts!!! obviously my husband is nowhere near as bad as he was, but i do have to pull him up still now and again.

        he was an absolute idiot on Saturday evening too, actually lost his temper and starting shouting the most ridiculous nonsense at me… same old same old same.

        obviously very contrite on sunday… i know there are no drugs involved but i just want the peaceful life and I’ve started to think i won’t get it here. im making an exit plan just in case.

        do you think your husband is back on the drugs potentially?

    • #28826
      riesena
      Participant

      Hello ????.

      I’m new here and I’m stunned how many people are in the similar situation to mine. I guess I’m looking for support because I just don’t know what to do anymore.

      September last year my fiancé broke to me that he’s been using cocaine for 9 months nearly every day. By ‘broke to me’ it was me asking him whether he did because his behaviour changed, he always had a bunged up nose and he kept withdrawing from me. After many months of tears, more secrets out, him having a mental breakdown and being thousands of pounds in debt I finally thought we were getting somewhere. He was back at work part time, stopped using (last time he did was in February this year). Then he used an opportunity when I was out with friends to buy some and took it all at once… I’m just so heartbroken, we postponed the wedding again because of his mental health and debt, but now I don’t even know if I can commit to him and this recovery.

      I read a lot of horror stories of husbands hiding, lying and being monsters on this forum. My fiance did blame me for a lot whe he was very poorly with his mental health, but since I’ve found out about his addiction he’s told me about every relapse. He knows he’s got a problem, he suggested I take all his bank cards so he can’t buy any that he will go to all the meetings again and will start talking to his therapist again. So it seems like he wants to get better, but I just wonder whether I’m clinging onto whatever I can. He’s also said it can be all over tomorrow, I just need to say because it’s his battle and he’s dragging me down and I don’t deserve it. I just need to tell him to go and ill have my life back. Like it is a lot of the times with these things, he has been using drugs to deal with his poor mental health, so that’s a problem as much as the drugs, as he seems to be reaching out for them every time he struggles. At this point I’m not sure whether I can marry him and commit my life to this. Its been nearly 2 years of hell and its just not life. Im 31, weve been together for nearly 8 years and i just feel robbed of my future. I thought we would be trying for babies right now, yet were here, with the wedding postponed again, and so much heartache idk i can take anymore. So I guess I’m reaching out for a bit of support, and perhaps an opinion of people who might be in a similar situation to mine.

      • #28830
        faithnotfear
        Participant

        hello, and here come yet another one caught up on this misery x

        the good news is that your man definitely seems to want to change, and by the sounds of it has done really well until this latest relapse.

        I’d say he definitely needs to be carrying on those meetings as recovery is an ongoing process that needs to be maintained every single day.

        what you say about him telling you he will leave if you ask sounds like fairly typical addict behaviour… failing to take responsibility/ownership of anything, even their own feelings… hence the avoidance of dealing with feelings/life and using drugs instead.

        if your guy is suffering from poor mental health it is to him to seek help from professionals. it is not our job to fix these broken individuals.

        at the same time it is almost impossible to walk away from someone you love and care for, despite finding ourselves in these horrible circumstances.

        we have to think long and hard about our personal boundaries, what we can or cannot tolerate, and then be ready to enforce these boundaries.

        from what you say though he wants out and that can only be a good thing.

        big hugs xx

        • #28839
          riesena
          Participant

          Thanks so much for your reply and kind words. I think it would be easier to leave if he refused to get help and was a total arsehole.

          But he is devastated by his latest relapse, took all my screams and tears on the chin last night and he reckons he will be back at work tomorrow.

          He has been seeing a therapist and taking antidepressants. But he has stopped seeing his therapist for a little bit, because he felt like he’s well enough to try without him (they’re also expensive). He struggled with his mental health a bit more those last couple of weeks, and last week he told me he will go gp and up his antidepressant dosage, and will go back to his therapist. Sounds like he’s on it, right?

          And last night when he relapsed, he said he will go to all support groups meetings etc. So, unlike a lot of husbands on this forum, he does seem to be wanting to get better, was sober for 3 months and told me straight away every time he relapsed. He started taking care of himself, like exercise and eat healthy. But just because someone else’s husband sounds worse than mine, does it mean I should stay? Am I just clutching at straws? And like debbieg2020 said, I don’t know if I can be living in constant fear it’ll all come crashing down again. 31 seems an awkward age to leave, because I’m not getting any younger and want children. Not that that is my reason to stay, it terrifies me to think I could bring children into this. I just never thought we’d be here, as like a lot of people said on this forum, my fiancé adored me and we were the power couple everyone looked up to. I just can’t believe we are where we are.