[nitasha]

Where do i even start..

I found this forum just now, I was feeling completely lost and alone and I happened upon this forum. Anyway.. My story with my husband. I don’t know why I’m typing this, maybe to just get it all out, maybe to not feel so alone?

I’ve been with my husband for almost 14 years. We’ve been married for almost 7 years.. All 7 years of our marriage my husband has been using. From what started with meth, to heroin and then cocaine. But always sticking with heroin.

We’ve been through it. The horrible horrible fights. The begging. The pleading. The praying. The silence. The hope. The rage.

3 stints in outpatient rehab.

I’ve been there through it all. I’ve held his hand. I’ve gone with him to 90% of his rehab appointments.

And yet he still continued to use. The bulk of last year he tried to hide it and keep it a secret. But we always know, the signs are always clear to see. In January this year I caught him using in the bathroom, the same bathroom our kids use. And I just lost it. My spirit my soul my everything broke… Again. I told him I was done, as I have SO many times before. I told him I was leaving immediately to go to my mom.

His remorse and begging kicked in again, as it has SO many times before. And I buckled.. Again. He said he would stop.. Again.

We used our last bit of money to buy him a month’s worth of Suboxone. Things seemed good. He was doing okay.

Through all this we were staying with my in laws because we lost our home due to covid.

Once the Suboxone was done, he started using again. I knew immediately. I confronted him so many times. He just lied or made it out to be me as the “crazy one” or turned it into a big argument, telling me I’m always looking for a reason to argue.

I know I’m rambling, I apologize, but it’s just been so much and it’s just coming out.

We left his parents place mid April because he said he couldn’t be in that area anymore because everywhere he went was just a trigger.

… He continued using anyway.

3 weeks ago I woke up, I was on our couch, and I heard him lighting the lighter and smoking in our bed. I can’t even explain the heartbreak. I was furious. Our kids were in our home while he was busy using.

I went up to him and grabbed it out of his hand. And all hell basically broke loose. I told him I’m leaving. He said many choice words, including if I don’t keep quiet right now he’d hit me dead. He stormed out and I started packing.

He came back hours later and I told him we were leaving. He was once again remorseful. I cried as I always have.

Myself and our 2 kids got on a bus and took the 10 hour drive through the night to my mom.

We’ve been talking and we’re, ok. We managed to get him another round of Suboxone. And he’s been sticking to it. I just pray to God that this is the last time he does this.

But… The after effects. My God! I feel like my spirit is dead. I feel like a shell of a human.

Through his years of using he has accused me of doing drugs, which I would never do (I come from a family who’ve faced addiction, my father, and both my brothers were heroin addicts). He’s accused me of being unfaithful stating that when I started working I changed and that I cheated. I would never not in a million years ever ever ever be unfaithful. And I think that, no I know that, that has killed me. Even just typing that has got me in tears. To this day he still believes I’ve been unfaithful. And I never was!

Nevermind what he was doing, he’s turned around and pointed this finger at me and I can’t stand it. I’ve even said I’d do a polygraph test to which he said no he believes me, but then eventually we end up back arguing about some made up cheating.

I just feel so sad, broken and alone

[delia]

Hi Hendricks

So sorry to her you’re feeling sad and alone.

I know that feeling well, its so difficult talking to family and friends because if you’re anything like me you don’t like to worry others.

I really don’t know how you have stuck it out for such a long time. I used to beg my Mum to leave my Dad for drinking too much but like you she stayed by his side. I’m afraid I don’t have very god staying power so not much good at giving advice but do hope you manage to find some happiness and peace.

All the best.

[nitasha]

Thank you so much Delia!

I definitely am like you, I hate bothering anyone with my troubles

[Author]

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