[lou9976]

So I am new to this & have never spoken to anyone, friends or family about my husbands addiction… so please bear with me if this comes out a waffling mess!

We have been together for 13 years and married for 3. My husband has always used coke since I met him, and in the first year or our relationship I did too ( we were early 20’s) it was a social thing at the time and not an addiction, although I decided to completely stop as I began to dislike the way it made me feel etc. My husband however continued, mainly when out with friends. I have 2 sons ages 9 and my my other son 14, from a previous relationship.

Since the first lockdown in March my husband, unbeknown to be has been doing Coke in the house on a maybe weekly basis – mainly when me and the kids are asleep. I

Had an inclination this was going on but think I just didn’t want to believe it, so I didn’t face up to things. Our relationship has been very strained over the last year or 2, and I told him I need to leave if we don’t change things. He confessed to me that his Coke problem has becoming more regular and that he has been doing it in the house. He has been going to counselling for nearly 2 years now as he had a difficult childhood, he is actually a very emotionally intelligent person, and can be very supportive of me, and never abusive, in fact sometimes the opposite, he can be so loving. I appreciated him confessing his Coke issues to me and think I was very supportive in my response, I told him I loved him and want to always help and support him. But I can’t tolerate drugs in my house under my roof. He agreed and felt very ashamed. I told him to just tell me when he felt he needed Coke and we would try and work through it together. I explained my paranoia and anxiety was at a high as I know deep down he was hiding things from me and not letting me in. The last 2/3 weeks have been so great, we have talked so much, I felt we reconnected. Then last night I asked him if he had done any Coke in the last 3 weeks and he said he has done it once at home… I feel so foolish to have believed he would tell me at the time. I appreciate he has told me he did it, but I’m feeling like he’s never going to let me in. I’m feeling the paranoia creep back in now. How do I trust him?? What do I do now?? He brought it in the house when he promised me he wouldn’t… do I ask him to leave? Do I get him to do a drug rehab help group??

I’m tired and feeling very hopeless atm.

Any advice would be appreciated

[d1986]

I sympathise with your story. After being with a meth user for 4years (recently broken up) one thing I wish I would of done is set boundaries and stuck to them. If you say something then stuck to it they need to know the consequences of their actions as hard as it maybe. I too told him not in the house but each time he said it would never happen again and it did. I believed him every time. From my experience once the trust is broken it’s haed to get back you are also wondering is he, he needs to earn it back. You can suggest drug rehab etc but unless he is wanting to change and not just say what you want to hear then things will stay the same or get worse. Sorry it’s not good advice just my experience but please remember to put yourself and your kids first.

[lou9976]

Thanks for your reply. I just feel so stupid for believing him, I think he’s trying but I just hate the fact he’s doing it in our house more than anything when he said he wouldn’t. I think he needs more help & im going to speak to him & tell him that.

I do realise that things can’t carry on like this forever. I will just end up resenting him so much that I leave. I do know that if we separate I have a plan for me & the kids to move & be comfortable enough. I’ve realised I have to have a plan B

[notcoping]

I’m in exactly the same position but my partner also drinks. It’s so hard and I feel so trapped as don’t want to hurt his family as we have already been through so much trying to get him straight. We also have a 3 month old baby. He is such a good person without substance but I am scared he is never going to recover. Thinking of u

[lou9976]

It’s so hard isn’t it.. I feel for you too.

No one knows about his addiction so I kind of feel that I’m battling it alone. I’m too ashamed to tell any friends. My husband is so caring & a great dad when he’s not using. I think I’m beginning to realise he has to put the work in, I’ll support him but only to a point x

[notcoping]

I’m pleased to hear that you have a plan b, I so wish I was in the same situation. I feel so disappointed with myself for not telling his family he has relapsed again, I don’t want to hurt them any more than they have been. He has had so much support but nothing seems to stop him. I feel like if I walk away he will die as will have nothing to stop for. I spend so much of my time worrying about him. What’s harder is none of my family have a clue he has ever had a problem as I have always put on a brave face. I really hope you are ok and can get some comfort from knowing it’s not just you.

[lou9976]

Sorry replied to myself below by accident ????????‍♀️

[notcoping]

Think I did the same ????‍♀️

[lou9976]

I totally feel your pain. It’s exhausting when their addiction consumes you. I’m the queen of brave faces, but have got to a point I don’t think it’s healthy or fair for me to keep doing it. That’s why I found this forum, it’s a big step for me as I’ve never told a sole. I do think it can’t just be up to us alone to try and help them though. I actually spoke to my husband this afternoon and asked him to get in a drug support group, which he has said he will do.. we’ll see .. And by the way you can always think of a plan B, although you sound like you have a lot going on with a 3 month old, so be kind to yourself. x

[notcoping]

Thanks Lou9976, I hope your husband joins a group and embraces it. I also have 2 older children/young men from my 1st marriage they also haven’t got a clue he has been using again, my younger child would be devastated if he knew. They only know he has had an alcohol problem not about the coke. I’m coming to the point where I know I have got to admit what has been going on but it’s just so hard. He is such a good bloke and really does want to stop I just don’t think he can. Xx

[lou9976]

I hope so but I’m learning not to get my hopes up too much, the hurt when these things don’t happen just makes it so hard to pick yourself up and keep going. If my eldest son found out my husband would have to leave, I absolutely dread the thought of my kids knowing! He’s got a decent job and can be so level headed at times, but when the Coke gets him he’s like night and day, so different and distant. How often does your husband do drugs/drink? It is so painful to see someone who you know is such a good person be so effected by drugs, just wish there way a way to fix it x

[notcoping]

He has been clean from coke for just over 2 weeks now, we do tests so I know it is true, it got the the point where I knew he was doing it daily and lying about it continuously. He went to rehab last year but fell off the wagon shortly after. He started drinking again when I was away in hospital having the baby. That stopped again but he does relapse now and then. I’m just so paranoid all the time. I can’t get my head around why he does it but that’s because I’m not an addict and have really strong will power. He too has a good job but has spend fortunes on coke. If I could bottle up how I feel and give it to him he would have to stop I’m sure.

[notcoping]

Xx

[notcoping]

Xx

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