[the-blue-widow]

I’m struggling with feelings following the death of my husband last month. He was in his mid-40s, and a highly intelligent, very successful businessman. He was also a cocaine addict, but no one knew unless he told them.

He had periods of abstinence followed by what he called a relapse, which was a drug binge. During this time he would disappear away from home and be uncontactable, spending hundreds and sometimes thousands of pounds.

In the last year of his life, this all increased in frequency. The last six months were particularly bad. After his death, I found out that since January he’d been using at least once a week on average, and was ordering quantities of anywhere between 2g and 5g. He would just this in one night over the course of a few hours.

On the night he died, he had disappeared on a binge, but I didn’t know this until the following day. He had ordered 2g which he had taken over two hours, and then a couple of hours later he was walking it off in town when he literally dropped dead in the street.

Since he died I’ve found out a lot about his use, about where he was getting money etc and I am finding it hard to process. Our relationship had deteriorated because he was always snappy and in a bad mood, and it felt like he had completely disconnected from me. He barely wanted to spend any time with me at all, and always prioritised anything else to the point we spent very little time together at all. I wanted it to be different, but he didn’t.

Having looked through his phone in the last month, it seems he had an awful lot of contact with prostitutes, who he paid to get the drugs for him. He was making arrangements with them once or twice a week to get the drugs, would take it while they were there and then leave. On his phone was a video of one of these sessions, and it was really upsetting. I looked after the money (at his request) so it was hard for him to get hold of it, but I’ve now discovered he spent one of his children’s savings as unknown to me he had access to it. I have also found that he was searching for pawn shops, and many of his possessions have gone missing, including gifts I bought him (even his wedding present from me). He has left us with nothing – because of his addiction he could not get life insurance, and we are about to lose our home.

I feel sad, betrayed and angry, even though I know the addiction had taken over in the end and it wasn’t really *him*. The him before the addiction was the kindest, most generous, gentle person you could ever meet. He worked tirelessly for his family and always put others first. I am stunned he could have been so unfaithful so many times, and devastated that he died in the street far from home. I’m not sure how to reconcile all these conflicting feelings.

[lemonysnicket]

Dear Blue Widow

I am so sorry to read your story. I really hope you have some support in real life. My husband is a cocaine addict and we are currently divorcing because I recently discovered he had lied about lapses and relapses and has enormous amounts of debt which he hid from me and I believe he will soon go bankrupt.

I am sure you have struggled for a long time and hoped for the best and had your hopes dashed. If you are like me it feels like someone else’s life, and it’s an enormous strain to deal with everything unravelling and and at the same time to deal with your own turmoil. I can’t imagine how terrible it must be if the addiction leads to death. Have you been to your GP? I expect that you would qualify for counselling. In the short term the Icarus Trust should be able to help you too. It is so much to bear. Keep well xx

[klc]

Dear Blue Widow,

My Heat hurts for you. I’m so sorry for your loss and what you have had to go through since the loss of your husband.

My Husband too is a cocaine addict and although he has spent some time in rehab, he keeps relapsing. I am unfortunately mentally preparing myself to be in the same potion as you. The helplessness I feel is unbearable.

I hope you have been able to receive some kind of help and support that you deserve.

xx

[redted22]

Hi posters above, just want to send love and thoughts to you all. My ex husband is an addict of alcohol and cocaine (plus other highs). It destroyed our marriage he has fallen even further now.

Just want to let you all know you are not alone.

XX

[icarus-trust]

Hello,

I’m so very sad to read your post. I can only imagine what you must have been through and the pain you are still feeling. I hope that you have been able to get some support and maybe, help / counselling through your gp, but if you would like any further help please contact us at The Icarus Trust.

We are a charity that provides support for people in similar situations to yourself, who are having to deal with the impact of a loved one’s addiction. We have experienced, trained people you could talk with, if you wanted to get in touch.

You can contact The Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

I do hope this is helpful.

Thinking of you.

All the best.

[thelostone]

hello everyone,

bluewidow I am so so sorry to read your story. The sense of loss and pain you must feel, being unable to reconcile things, and it ending as it did.. so sorry. My partner is a crack addict and as I try to break away, I read your words and know that could easily happen to him, and I will feel, like you, that it wasn’t meant to end this way. But the sad reality is, it can – and does. As sober rational people we BELIEVE they will recover, they will come back to us, they will stop and everything will go back to as it was – and it’s highly likely in a lot of cases, that just won’t happen… ever. I’ve accepted that and it’s making it easier to walk away. This is not my journey, it’s his. And it was your husband’s. I hope you come to terms with what happened – you are not alone, we are always here if you need to talk. Find some calm x

[jacjacjac]

This is my first post to this forum. Your husband and my husband could be the same person, same age, same all night benders, getting cocaine from prostitutes, having control of the finances and what you have described is my worst fear. My heart hurts for you. I’m so sorry for the pain and the loss that you have experienced. You must have so many unanswered questions and such anger towards your husband, but at the same time mourning the man you married. Cocaine to me is like a demon. It preys on those with addictive personalities and overtakes every good thing in that persons life, and ruins the lives of those around them and its effects can last for generations. I pray that you can find some peace and happiness in the future. Sending all my love and support.

[philip]

I just lost my wife over druges and drink it is hard for us all but that is the road they go down and we all pay for it but we all still care for them love to all of you how go though it

[trainer28]

The Blue Widow. It sounds like you need professional counselling to help you deal with all the feelings that are coming up. In some areas you can self-refer, ask your GP or google it.

All I can add is that it is a disease, apparently the person isn’t there anymore. The disease takes over.

I am sorry for your loss physically but the emotional loss probably happened a long time ago. Take care

[Author]

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