[cape17]

I have been with my husband for 14 years married for 11 and we have 2 children. our son is 6 and our daughter is 4 months old. my husband only ever use to do cocaine with a friend every few months then 4 years ago he started to start using it more because it is so easy to get the stuff and the dealer will come into your house to give it to you so you don’t get caught dealing. my husband also has a problem with drink he cannot just have one he will just drink and drink until he gets paracletic and when he is drunk he becomes aggressive and nasty towards me but when he takes cocaine and drinks he is fine just chilled out. I think this is why he has become addicted to it because he wants to drink but not be aggressive towards me so he takes cocaine as well. but it has become to much now since our daughter was born in January he has taken it every weekend, he spent his paternity high on the stuff he has spent a fortune on it the last 4 months easily £3000. during the lockdown its got worse I thought that would help but it didn’t. when he comes off of it he is so angry moody and frustrated. he is so mean to me and will bite his tongue and clench his jaw. he will snap at our son also. my son can pick up on things like that now he will always say why is daddy laying in bed all day and just eating bad foods. because that’s what he does the next coupe of days. I’m so miserable and tired of his broken promises he refuses to get help and just says he can do it himself give up everything but then the next weekend comes and he’s on it again. he uses an argument with me as an excuse to do it he blames me a lot for everything. he went to work high on it and is also calling in sick the last few days because he did it and couldn’t go in. I worry for his health and our finances we are just not on the same page any more I just want a happy family life and enjoy time with the children while they grow up but he is so lost in cocaine he is missing it all. I don’t know what to do anymore.

[dfh]

You can’t help him, he is responsible for getting help. The more you try the less he will want to. By all means get some info on where to get help and help him that way but your just going to wear yourself out trying to make him.

You can lead a horse to water and all that.

14 years in the same boat as you has taught me a lot. Nothing is ever enough, there’s always a reason or excuse why they cant/won’t get help, it’s mainly someone else’s fault and they will lie, beg and steal to get their next hit. You will never know the true extent of their addiction.

Stop battling him and start focussing on you and your kids. Distract yourself with them. They need you, he doesn’t. He’s an adult.

My husband has chosen crack and heroin over family, managed to miss out on 3 kids growing up and has wasted money and time on drugs. I havent allowed myself to waste time on trying to change him. And I’m glad. I hope you get the strength you need to concentrate 100% on your kids and not on him. Look after yourself. Be kind to yourself. X

[scraggs]

Hi. I totally get it. My 23 Yr old son has been suffering from ptsd and very complicated emotional issues for 5 years now. He is on a shed load of prescription meds including the equivalent of 360mg morphine a day. I’m a nurse and have lost lots of jobs as he self harms and ends up where I work. I suspected he was injecting his prescription medication and turned out to be right. But just in the last few months I found out he’s been using heroin and cocaine, weed whatever else. He is struggling to have any sort of normal exsistance and I have now paid nearly 2k in drug debts so he doesn’t get beaten up. As well as this he’s wasted over 6k in benefits and he still owes money. Due to severity of his self harm he wouldn’t survive a beating so I’m held over a barrel all the time to pay of these thugs.

I can’t afford to do this and my husband walked out a few weeks ago because 8 didn’t tell him I’d paid quite so much so he felt hurt and betrayed.. I’m losing my sanity and my life is miserable and I can’t think straight. We’ve nearly lost our son on several occasions over the last 5 years due to self harm so I’m extra protective… I feel trapped. If I say I’m going to the police he begs me not too as it’ll make it worse for him.. How much worse does it have to get. My husband came back afwtr one night but the strain is so difficult between us. We’re doing our best to cope.

My son apparently agreed to sell drugs for these dealers so he could get some for himself, he wouldn’t sell them but took them all over a period of time and that’s why he owes so much.. I have nightmares, I cant focus on my relationships with others and my work and health is suffering and I feel railroaded and hate it when I see his number come up in my phone.. More money. ????

[dfh]

Stop. You need to stop. Stop giving him money and stop letting your son get in between you and your husband.

What if you didn’t have the money to give him? What would you do then?

I get your situation. My husband is the same, constantly asking for money. Small difference is he actually pays it back BUT I still spend half my life pretending to be and telling him I’m skint. He finds it elsewhere. 9 times out of 10 the dealers aren’t owed that much. They don’t allow debt and if they did then it wouldn’t be a lot. Sounds like your son has found the key to having you as his cash machine. You need to brave up. Tell him that 2k was the last of your money. You don’t have anymore. Stand your ground. Imagine if it was the last you had. Stick to it.

I once told my husband I had 23 pound to last a week. He took it. I knew he would but I just wanted to know if he would put me and 3 kids in a position where we had 3 pound to our name. That’s when I learnt that your only as good as your bank balance to them. Luckily I lied, it did stop him asking for that week so I’ve done that ever since.

I’ve stood back and watched him pawn gold chains, ipad and even his wedding ring. It’s awful but they are his things and he’s got to learn.

He promised to go rehab but now uses that as a excuse. He says he won’t go rehab if no one trust’s him but uses that as a way to get round people.

You have to either stay one step ahead or back off and detach.

I’ve tried both, one I tried for years the other I’ve put in place over last few months. You are better off detaching. Do it slowly if need be but do not give him any more money. Concentrate on your marriage instead.

Hugs xx

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