[stillhopeful2019]

Hi, I am in a very similar situation. I have had 13 years of promises to stop: the birth of our second child, when he turns 40, after several new years and yet here we are and although he is not using as much as he used to, the fact is he still uses despite trying to convince me that he has it under control. Then after a while maybe a month or two he will go on full blown binges, alcohol cocaine weed the lot and spend ridiculous amounts of money which we haven’t got. When he hits a low, he will admit he cant control it but then when I suggest he gets professional help, he says he will and then eventually says it’s ok I can control it. He is in such denial and sometimes I think deep down he doesnt want to stop or at least that’s how it seems. I have walked out on him and gone to my parents with my children. Despite it now being about 7 weeks, he still hasnt seeked help and everytime we talk he blames me for him feeling down and lost without us around. He days he cant do it alone but then I have to remind him he couldn’t do it when we there either? I need to stop feeling sorry for him but how??

[owlyh]

It is so hard dealing with the addiction of someone you love or have loved.

I try to tell myself it’s not my husband when he uses, that he is a different person while under the influence. It helps me a bit with separating the addicted person from the person I love. It has gone so far that I even made up a different name for him while he is under the influence (I’m not suggesting you do the same, I have no idea if this is unhealthy or not, I’m just sharing my weird coping mechanism!). I feel truly sorry for the addicted person, and I get very angry and sad when I see him. But when he is sober I try to not show pity to him, but I do try to be understanding while he is still taking tiny steps to do better (like continuing taking his meds for his depression).

You have to continue to remind yourself that what he does is not your fault, the fault is his and only his. While he doesn’t do anything to get real help, it’s all on him. My husband tried blaming me when he was at his lowest point, saying I wasn’t hard enough on him, and didn’t monitor him enough?? Ridiculous. He has since owned up to his faults, he did that when he started on his medication for the depression.

I truly hope your ex sees the light and gets the help he needs. This is such an awful situation he has put you in.

[owlyh]

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[stillhopeful2019]

Thanks owlyh x I did sense genuine remorse when my husband was sober and apologetic but it soon meant nothing when he would go out and do the same thing again. I never wrote things down, wish I had as when I am feeling down and sorry for him, I will remember times when things happened cos he was under the influence and my feelings of sorrow are replaced with anger and resentment. Honestly I thought I got off the roller coaster when I left but I feel like I am still on it.

[owlyh]

I understand you with writing things down! I’ve done that sometimes. I’ve even written a few letters to him when I have found him under the influence. When I have found him like that I don’t want to speak to him directly, I’m not sure he even remembers what is said while he’s doped up. So I write down my thoughts for him to read when he’s sobered up. These thought letters are filled with rage and disappointment, but love too. I haven’t done it many times, but it’s very cathartic for me, and painful for him…

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