[owlyh]

My husband is a cocaine addict. He confessed it to me earlier this year and says he wants to stop, but hasn’t done so successfully yet (he has tried).

We bought a house at the end of last year and have a baby on the way next month!!

We used to use cocaine recreationally together with our friends for maybe three years when out drinking, maybe every other weekend. I stopped not long before getting pregnant, he occasionally continued doing it socially. It never was a problem for me, I never felt this need for it if I was out with our other friends who didn’t care for it, it was more of a social thing for me. But I didn’t realize that my husband has a problem with it until recently.

He’s also been a bit depressed for a while now. He has always been the type to get a bit down in the winter time, I’ve always thought he had a touch of seasonal affective disorder (SAD), but he never wanted to look into it. Now two years ago it felt like he never went out of his SAD period, and I’ve been waiting for him to come back up out of it, encouraging him to seek some professional help. After he confessed to me that he had a drug problem he saw a doctor and started medication for his depression, he’s still tapering up on them, he’s up to half of what his doctor wants him to end up on. I can see the meds are helping him, and he says himself he feels they are helping him, but I feel like I’m losing my mind waiting for him because he still hasn’t stopped his drug use completely. He did go to rehab for 10 days, right when he was starting on his medication, but he used again two weeks after it. It seems like he’s been using on the weekends (or at least every other weekend) since then after I go to sleep. He doesn’t even go out partying anymore, he just uses it while playing video games until morning. He’s very good at hiding his drug use, and tries to go to sleep before I wake up. It used to be that he barely went to work, but these days he does actually show up (I know he actually does since he works with a friend of mine), so that’s at least something. It used to be much worse when his addiction was starting, I just didn’t notice much what was happening around me because I was so exhausted with difficult pregnancy symptoms.

I am so ashamed of my life that I’ve basically been living like a hermit, just going to work and finding excuses not to have people over to my trash house. Though I have been going out a bit, I haven’t trusted my husband to be alone over the weekends these past months (not like it has made a difference), so I haven’t made myself available when most other people are. I mainly do social things on work days, and that limits what other people have energy to do.

This drug use of his has been a huge money pit, we’re talking about over 10 thousand dollars in an overdraft he was hiding from me. The overdraft started after we signed for the new house, and after I got pregnant. We both make good money so his bank just okayed that overdraft slowly over the past months, no problem… Now we are in huge debt with everything. I’ve been using my money like normal since I had no idea he was snorting his own. I at least have a tiny emergency fund (just over 2K) that I haven’t been actively trying to get bigger since we’ve been using all our money on the house and baby things. We didn’t have joint accounts because we didn’t use the same bank and it didn’t feel necessary to join our accounts until now!! We’ve always just used each others money as needed, no big deal. I’ve been trying to get him to join his accounts with me for a few weeks so I can monitor his spending. He insists that he thinks it’s a good idea, but he’s very good at finding excuses not to go to the bank because of his work, and I can’t do it for him without him signing for it. But, just last week we FINALLY started the process of him closing all of his accounts and moving him over to my bank. It’s taking a few days because of the overdraft.

Yesterday we went to a dinner party with some friends where only alcohol was had, but I obviously didn’t drink because of the pregnancy. We got home very late and I fell asleep as soon as we came home. Then this morning I wake up and find that he didn’t actually go to sleep, he bought drugs and stayed up until I woke up at 8 in the morning! WE CAN NOT AFFORD THIS. He has maxed out everything he can, we can just barely afford food until the end of the month. We also still have so many things left to do before the baby comes next month, though thankfully not really anything left to buy. He was going to use the weekends to do these things, but he’s always too hungover to do anything. It’s driving me insane because the further along I am, the less I have the energy to do myself.

He says that because the baby is coming, he won’t get a chance to these things after the baby is born, so he’s getting it out of his system. I just do not believe he can stop. Though he doesn’t do it as much like he used to, I simply don’t trust him. He really needs to stop for all our sakes.

He has been on the way to get some counseling, but the irony of that is we haven’t been able to afford it yet. I guess we just have to get into more debt for that?

I don’t want to leave him, I want my husband back. I don’t like this master manipulator and liar he has become over the past months. He needs support, I just don’t know what or if I can do anything more. Can I do anything more? What can I do without enabling him?

[stillhopeful2019]

Hi, I am in a very similar situation. I have had 13 years of promises to stop: the birth of our second child, when he turns 40, after several new years and yet here we are and although he is not using as much as he used to, the fact is he still uses despite trying to convince me that he has it under control. Then after a while maybe a month or two he will go on full blown binges, alcohol cocaine weed the lot and spend ridiculous amounts of money which we haven’t got. When he hits a low, he will admit he cant control it but then when I suggest he gets professional help, he says he will and then eventually says it’s ok I can control it. He is in such denial and sometimes I think deep down he doesnt want to stop or at least that’s how it seems. I have walked out on him and gone to my parents with my children. Despite it now being about 7 weeks, he still hasnt seeked help and everytime we talk he blames me for him feeling down and lost without us around. He days he cant do it alone but then I have to remind him he couldn’t do it when we there either? I need to stop feeling sorry for him but how??

[owlyh]

It is so hard dealing with the addiction of someone you love or have loved.

I try to tell myself it’s not my husband when he uses, that he is a different person while under the influence. It helps me a bit with separating the addicted person from the person I love. It has gone so far that I even made up a different name for him while he is under the influence (I’m not suggesting you do the same, I have no idea if this is unhealthy or not, I’m just sharing my weird coping mechanism!). I feel truly sorry for the addicted person, and I get very angry and sad when I see him. But when he is sober I try to not show pity to him, but I do try to be understanding while he is still taking tiny steps to do better (like continuing taking his meds for his depression).

You have to continue to remind yourself that what he does is not your fault, the fault is his and only his. While he doesn’t do anything to get real help, it’s all on him. My husband tried blaming me when he was at his lowest point, saying I wasn’t hard enough on him, and didn’t monitor him enough?? Ridiculous. He has since owned up to his faults, he did that when he started on his medication for the depression.

I truly hope your ex sees the light and gets the help he needs. This is such an awful situation he has put you in.

[owlyh]

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[stillhopeful2019]

Thanks owlyh x I did sense genuine remorse when my husband was sober and apologetic but it soon meant nothing when he would go out and do the same thing again. I never wrote things down, wish I had as when I am feeling down and sorry for him, I will remember times when things happened cos he was under the influence and my feelings of sorrow are replaced with anger and resentment. Honestly I thought I got off the roller coaster when I left but I feel like I am still on it.

[owlyh]

I understand you with writing things down! I’ve done that sometimes. I’ve even written a few letters to him when I have found him under the influence. When I have found him like that I don’t want to speak to him directly, I’m not sure he even remembers what is said while he’s doped up. So I write down my thoughts for him to read when he’s sobered up. These thought letters are filled with rage and disappointment, but love too. I haven’t done it many times, but it’s very cathartic for me, and painful for him…

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