[hollybush]

Hi

I need help.

My husband is addicted to cocaine and it is ruining our lives.

He uses at least every Friday,Saturday and sunday and in the week if he can.

Every week he promises he won’t do it but he changes into this different person. He either becomes this horrible grumpy person, nothing I and the kids do is right or he is this anxious, on edge person who just is so laid back and will agree to anything we say but never sticks to it.Neither is the really him.

He keeps telling me he hates it, he loves his family, doesn’t want to lose us and wants to change but nothing ever does. He has been to the doctors and they have said that he is not classed as an addict. He pestered them so much they put him on medication to help with the cravings and it has done nothing to help. He promises to try groups but always has an excuse not to.

Even when we do things as a family as soon as we come home he goes out to get his cocaine.

He used to disappear from days but now he just come home and me and the kids go upstairs.

I have left him and kicked him out but it doesn’t work

There is so much more to this but I feel that I will be writing forever.

Can anyone help me

Thanks

[lindyloo]

Hi Holly Bush

Welcome to the forum. I was sorry to read your story and your husband’s addiction.

Its an emotional rollercoaster when a loved one has an addiction. It consumes them and changes them into someone you don’t recognise. I know this from experience as my son has an addiction too.

There’s lots of advice and support here. Read the other threads and stories , i read one similar to yours on the 15th September, Danman83 replied and gave some really good advice.

The forum also has advice and support on the home page.

I wish you well, take care of yourself first and foremost.

Lx

[spottydog]

Hi, I can’t really offer any help as I’m in a similar boat to you, struggling with my partner’s addiction to alcohol. I just wanted to say hi, let you know that you’re not alone and that I hope you can find some support here xx

[frankie]

Hello I’m in the same situation but luckily no kids involved. Today is a really bad day again. All weekend my husband has been coking and drinking. Every weekend is him hung over, grumpy in bed then starting the whole roller coaster again. 7 years ago when we first met I had no idea if his addictions but over the years it has become worse. After last night I have told him I can’t stand it anymore. Constant lies that he will stop get help but he dies nothing. He’s reduced the drink but says he can’t stop the coke and has to come off it slowly. Last week he spent over £200 on it. I don’t know how to help and I know I need to help myself. I haven’t used a forum before but I feel so alone and sad.

[hollybush]

Hi

Thanks for replying and the show of support. To be honest I didn’t expect anyone to answer.

This is the first time I have been on a forum as well.

I too feel very lonely and frustrated.I also feel guilty about the fact that the children are having to live with it as well because I have no way of changing him and have no where to go if I left him.

For the past 2 weeks my husband has spent all his wages (around £500) on coke and gambling. He has given me his cash card on the Thursday night promising not to do it and then he doesn’t come home from work on the Friday and by 10pm he is demanding his money and his cash card.He has also accused me of stealing his money this week because I used some to pay the rent, we have an agreement we pay it every friday, so this week was no different. In the end I had to borrow the money off my parents because he was being so vile and constantly demanding it back. He has never been violent towards me, which is a good thing.

I have tried turning off my phone but he will phone my eldest son or the neighbours to get hold of me, or just come home and start demanding it. This wakes up my youngest and it really upsets him.

He then comes home by sunday evening full of remorse or blaming and angry with me expecting me to just say ok and have shopping in when he has spent all the money we have for the week.

I have really hit rock bottom and just can’t cope anymore.

Today I spoke to a divorce lawyer and they have said I have good grounds for a divorce but I have no money for a divorce and it means I will have to tell people what is going on and I’m scared social services will get involved, think I am a bad mum (which I agree with, a good mum wouldn’t let this happen) and take my kids away from me. My kids are my world and the thought if losing them breaks my heart.

I just don’t know what to do anymore, I just want a ‘normal husband and life’s.

[frankie]

You aren’t on your own. People do love and care about you, it’s the shame of his behaviour which is most likely making you feel the way you do. That’s how I feel. My parents wouldn’t understand. Sometimes I can’t either to be honest. I broke down and told my husband I had enough yesterday and gave him the choice of getting help or our marriage was over. He called NA and our gp. It’s a start but it’s a long road ahead. You are a good mum and you are thinking of your children. Perhaps you need to draw a line, can you go back to your parents for a while? The citizens advice bureau provides free advice. I don’t hold my breath with what’s happening at the moment in my situation but I can honestly say that I’ve had enough of everything. I don’t want to live as we both know anymore. I want to feel happy again. He has to help himself I cannot do it anymore. You need to do the same look after you and your children x

[lindyloo]

Hi Holly and Frankie

I’m so sorry to read your stories, its my son who has the addiction and he lives on his own fortunately.

I wondered if the Icarus trust could offer you advice and support? They often put up posts on this forum,. Also the other threads are very supportive and informative.

You are both good mums, a person with addictions will always blame you. It begins and ends with them totally. They are making these choices and until they seek help, you’ll be going round in circles i’m afraid.

Please look after your own bodies and minds and your children first and foremost.

Take care, always here to chat.

Lx

[ash2013]

Hi Holly and Frankie,

I was sad reading your stories, I’ve been in a similar position for years on and off, and I feel your pain, anxiety and worry. Have a read of my past posts.

NEVER ever blame yourselves for being in this situation. It is not your fault at all, coke is a sly drug, it starts off as a bit of fun, an extra at a party. Then before you know if you are using it every day just to feel normal. It doesnt even make an addict feel good anymore.

I too have a child with my husband, have been married 12 years, and he is, at present 9 months clean. He cannot drink alcohol now either as it is a huge trigger for him.

I lost so much weight when he was in the middle of an addictive binge. Every weekend spent feeling anxious, and then wasted Sundays trying to keep out of his way. Coming home from work late and high, expecting a lift to work the next day because his car was there. Treading on eggshells all the time, second guessing the mood.

This past 9 months have been like a dream for me, some normality amid the covid chaos. I’d take this time over an addictive phase any day!

My husband has previously stopped for 12-18 months, so its not out of the ordinary for this to happen, i’m not counting my chickens…. although I keep telling myself that one time when he stops it will be forever. I hope this is it.

Sending love and always here x

[frankie]

Thank you all for listening to me and sharing. Everything you say rings true to me. It’s feels better to talk to someone, I’m not ready to do that in person. I have sick, elderly parents & a business to run…. even my dogs had an op. Seriously sometimes I could actually laugh about it all if it wasn’t true. He has managed 2 days no coke or alcohol and has actually helped round the home and got out of bed. It’s the bad temper which I am having trouble with. I feel angry and am trying not to snap. This year has been so bad for everyone, it’s hard to just escape for a while. We are doing sober October together. Before all of this I loved my sport and art. I think this is why I feel so bad. Must have put a stone on during covid! He has gone to see his family for a few hrs. I am going to relax, have a last glass of wine. I think I need to change, I’m not who I was years ago before all this and I don’t want to be who I am now. Their behaviour and lifestyle affects us. I don’t think I should let it. its bad dreading someone coming home. how do partners cope? I can’t help blaming him even though he’s trying now.

[hollybush]

Hi

I can’t tell you all how much it is helping reading to your posts and advice.

Last night I told him that I had been to a divorce lawyer and today he has made an appointment to see the GP and also done a self referral for a local organisation that helps addicts.

He has come home from work saying he feels shit and want some coke but has stayed at home all night and tried really hard not to go and score. He is now in bed and hopefully sleeping.

I am not going to get my hopes up but hopefully this is a start.

Sending everyone big hugs xx

[johnboy44]

Tell your husband after week four his head will start levelling out , get him to go gym or something after the four weeks and start excersising it’s the only way to try even beat it

[lindyloo]

Hi Hollybush

It’s so good to hear some positive news and that you’ve taken some steps for a better life.

I do hope things are looking up for you as you certainly deserve to have some happiness.

Take care of yourself,

We’re always here to chat if you need to.

Lx

[pineapple123]

Hi,

Welcome to the forum! I joined last week and it takes so much weight off your shoulders when you know you can just write everything your feeling in here and have advice and support from those expericing the same things.

My boyfriend is a cocaine addict (in denial), he refuses help because he’s adamant there’s nothing wrong, he also spends a large amount of money on the habit and gambling whilst he’s high. I know your pain of feeling like you’ve hit rock bottom, every day I wake up and wonder if this is the life I want but it’s always hard when you see them sober because you remember who you fell in love with and then it all gets washed away when they start using again. I want to say that things get better but that wouldn’t be true not unless they are willing to help themselves. He promises he’s going to stop, he doesn’t touch the stuff for a couple of weeks, everything seems great and you think things are heading in the right directed and then it slowly starts creeping up. I call it the viscous cycle.

Please keep using this forum though as a way of escaping your mind. I feel so much better being able to speak about how I feel to complete strangers and not being judged!

[hollybush]

My heart is breaking.

I have finally come to realise my husband is never going to change and stop taking cocaine.

After years of sticking by him, lying for him and generally trying to be the best and supportive wife I could be. I can ‘t physically or mentally do it anymore.

Today he has broken me for the last time.

He promised he wouldn”t ask me for money and would go until Friday before he took it again.

I knew he was feeling shitty snd went to bed and got up again because he was restless but he told me to go to bed and he would watch Louise Clark like Danman suggested.By 11.30 he was upstairs demanding money and even when I told him he could do it and just to come to bed. He just kept on and got angry with me.

I begged him,cried and even told him if he loved me and the kids he wouldn’t do this but it made no difference.I hate to say it but I lashed out at him in frustration, which I know he will use against me.

He is just walked out with his cash card and left me having a panic attack and crying. He is now downstairs and I’m sat upstairs 2 hours still crying, getting the occasional text about how I need to stop crying because I’ll wake the kids and neighbours.

I don’t know what to do. I have no where to go if I leave him, my brother is already living back home with my mum and dad. I can’t afford to run the house by myself and he wouldn’t leave anyway

I am dreading the next few days because I know he will keep pestering me for money and accuse me of stealing and keeping his wages.

We haven’t got enough money to pay all the Bill’s as it is.

I can’t cope anymore and don’t want me and my kids to live like this anymore

I’m sorry to go on when you are all going through so much yourselves, I just don’t know what to do and writing it seems to help xx

[coco1212]

Hi everyone

I to am in a similar situation my ex is a crack addict, he too says he doesn’t like it and he wants help but does nothing to get help. We have 4 children and social services are now involved I’ve been trying to distance the children and myself from him but it’s hard when you’ve been with someone 18 years. My family are far from supportive to them it’s black and white get rid, cut him out and move on to someone else. If only it was that simple. His addiction started at some point this month 19 months ago. He was given 40.000 inheritance money in June in less then 2 months all gone. Everything is always someone else’s fault especially mine, I’m a bitch, I’m nasty and my attitude has changed nothing is ever him. It’s really stressful on one hand i want to help him on the other I’m like you chose this, this is down to your choices. The feelings I now experience is all new the constant worry feeling like something bad is going to happen all the time, looking over my shoulder and feeling sick.

[frankie]

That’s really good news. He is still clean and was up early working from home. He seems more positive today and actually said he was feeling better. He actually looks better! I actually slept well for the first time in ages. I’ve actually woken up before with him snorting in the bedroom. Disgusting. Keep strong. I’m so glad I’ve got someone to talk to – thank you xx

[hollybush]

I am so pleased for you, I really hope this a new, happy chapter of your life starting.

Always here if you need to talk though xx

[frankie]

It’s only been a couple of days he’s been clean. I’m not kidding myself this is it. Reading everyone’s stories I know the road ahead is a rocky one. The longest he’s been clean is when we travelled Australia for a month- only because he couldn’t get anything. I think all of you are brave and if you need to cry holly it’s ok. I’m sure we have all done this. It’s always someone else’s fault they don’t take ownership. It’s weird as I don’t know any of you but I can tell you how hurt, degraded I’ve been made to feel. No one else knows. It was the final straw last week when he dropped me off home after a couple of hrs together. He then went to score and sent me a picture of him and his idiot coke mates in the pub all laughing. He told them what he had done. I’ve been called frigid- who wants someone pissed and drunk? In the past apparently I’m his trigger, the one nagging. I am trying to be strong and I all of you are. People do give up but it’s who they hurt on the way. I am determined now not to be dragged down by it all. Hollybush call the citizens advice bureau they will be able to help you re debt, rent and any other issues. For 20 years I worked in a job which worked with their department. Small steps will help address issues which you do have some control with. I am so sorry that you feel so desperate, I really do know what it is like. A big hug and I’m still here for you too xx

[hollybush]

Hi

How is everyone doing? X

[coco1212]

Hi Holly Bush

I could be better i feel like I’m trapped when he’s around im anxious of anyone seeing him and when he’s not im anxious about where he is, has he came to any harm. He’s currently begging for some money and it makes me feel on edge.

How are you ?

[hollybush]

Hi

I’m so sorry you are feeling like this.

I am feeling exactly the same. He disappeared on Friday and came back on Saturday morning like everything was normal. One of our children had a big test on the Saturday and really needed their dads reassurance on Friday night, but he wasn’t there.

I had the cash cards but he went into the bank on Friday afternoon and took money out the account.He has never done that before,so now I don’t know how to try and keep him away from the money. It’s his wages that go into that account.

I was also sent home from work to self isolate on Friday as a member of the team had tested positive.

It’s a constant rollercoaster, we had such a good week up to Friday and now we are back to square one.Its like groundhog day.

I really hope things get better for you and I’m here if you need to chat.

Look after yourself and just remember how AMAZING YOU ARE. xx

[coco1212]

I really wish I felt amazing ????

I’ve been such an idiot I allowed him back in when I shouldn’t of and I bought my daughter a switch for Christmas. Well she doesn’t have it now I hate this so much. I’m struggling to make ends meet and he’s done this.

Why do I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt ?

[hollybush]

It might not feel like it but YOU ARE AMAZING.????

You have allowed him back because you are a good, kind and loving person, who loves him and wants to try and help him.

What has happened to the Switch?

My husband took my car while I was at work and sold it a couple of years ago, yet I am still here trying to help and love him, hoping he will change.

Please don’t blame yourself, its not your fault he has his problem.

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better and help you but I know exactly how you feel.

Just keep talking on the forum, people are here in the same boat and will listen to you.

Xx

[coco1212]

He’s clearly sold the switch. What hurts is he would of known it was a Christmas present and he’s done it anyway.

That’s why he’s disappeared again and switched his phone off.

[hollybush]

Bless you. Are you ok? Xx

[coco1212]

No far from ok but nothing I can do is there? He’s turn into a complete low life.

[hollybush]

I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I know from experience nothing will.

Sending you hugs and I’m here if you need to talk xx

[coco1212]

Thank you

I just wish all thi would stop, I need to stop caring and focus on how I’m going to give my children a Christmas. I never thought in a million years I would be going through this. I feel so used and cheated. I can honestly say if it wasn’t for my kids I wouldn’t be here. I hate getting up everyday feeling like this.

[hollybush]

I totally get where you are coming from. I too wake up every day feeling the same way and then having to paint a smile on for the outside world. It would be so easy if we didn’t care.

Xx

[coco1212]

A hundred percent. Well today I’ve had a call from the solicitor about the non molestation order it’s going to court tomorrow to be finalised and yet again I feel like the bad guy but it’s what social services wanted. Now we’ll not be allowed any contact whatsoever not even text. Deep down I know it’s for the best but it feels like a knife to chest. I feel so controlled by everyone, I don’t even feel like an adult anymore it’s all about what everyone else wants. But I guess he’s had a year to change his ways and he hasn’t so maybe it’s just me being weak and pathetic.

Hope things your end are ok xx

[hollybush]

Bless you, it’s a crap situation but you should look at the positives.

At least if you are not allowed any contact it gives you a chance to rebuild your life with your kids without him constantly mess it up and he is not dragging you down with him. He has made his choices and now has to face the consequences.

I think that is part of the problem with my husband there are never big enough consequences for his actions to make him stop and care.

It sounds silly but sometimes I wish people would tell me what to do and take control of it all. As long as we have our kids we can get through anything.

You are stronger than you think and are definitely not the bad person in the situation.

Tomorrow could be the start of a whole new chapter for you and your kids. Grab it with both hands. Xx

[coco1212]

I am trying to think positive about i think it’s because was with him for 18 years near enough and being without him completely seems strange although I know I lost him a year ago. I never thought someone could cause you so much pain and suffering and yet for some bizarre reason you still love them. I know trouble is coming his way because he owes money and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it

[hollybush]

I can completely understand, most days I really hate the man I have spent my whole adult life with (23 years) but the thought of not having him in my life scares me.

I think that is part of the problem we want to protect them and keep them safe but we can’t.

At one point my husband got in trouble with some really nasty people and I just had to watch as he drove off to see them, not knowing what was going to happen. In the end they did a lot of threatening and decided to let him pay it back in 2 big installments.

Big hugs xx

[hollybush]

He has been away working for the last 2 nights and it’s been lovely. Just me and the kids no anxiety or stress. But he comes back tomorrow and I have felt the anxiety creeping back slowly all night.

When he phoned tonight he promised that he just wanted to chill out and stay at home without doing any cocaine, but I know in my heart that won’t happen. It’s just a case of when and how he is going to go about it. ???? xx

[coco1212]

It’s horrible isn’t it ? They have no idea what they put us through. He came at 11.40 last night someone has slashed him. He has no consideration fornme or the kids

[hollybush]

Oh no! ????.

I hope it all goes ok today

Xx

[coco1212]

He called the doctor for help yesterday and he’s had an assignment today unfortunately they can’t actually see him until over a weeks time but this is a first to actually reach out for help. Im not holding my breath but I won’t lie I hope this is the beginning of the end.

[hollybush]

Hi

I was just wondering how you were doing.

As long as you are ok.

It’s good that he actually wants help and is being active in getting it.

My husband was home for 2 hours on Friday before he was asking for money.

He then went shopping on Sunday and disappeared. Luckily he brought some shoppjng before deciding not to come home.

He says he did it because i was being moody. What does he expect when I have been isolating for nearly 2 weeks? ????

I hope this is a new start for you and him

Xx

[coco1212]

Still the same really he took my car a few days ago and has got me speeding fine so more money I have to find.

I’m so drained from it all. The social worker says 1 thing then in the next breath another. Im sick of all the crap im getting and its not my actions that’s caused it all. He says he wants help and so far he’s done all the right things but it’s not helping me. Everyone seems to want a piece of me and I’m sick of it.

How are you ?

[hollybush]

Bless you ❤

I feel like shit today ????

He is being a complete arse, yesterday accused me of having an affair because I didn’t want sex when he woke me up at 2 this morning. When I told him I’m really struggling with it all, he told me.its not that bad and I just like to make a drama of everything and never happy. I like being miserable which is half the reason he acts the way he does.

I can’t do this any more, maybe it’s my fault and everything he says is true.

I don’t know what to do

[coco1212]

No it isn’t your fault at all, don’t blame yourself. It’s his fault and his fault alone. It’s funny how we get accused of affairs and things when it’s them doing wrong. I feel miserable and stuff most of the time too and that is due to them and their habit grinding us down. They are so self-centered they can’t see the damage their doing because they feel their drugs make them happy.

I wish I could say something positive to pick you up but unfortunately I don’t.

Take care of yourself x

[hollybush]

Hi

How are you?

Xx

[coco1212]

Hi HollyBush

It’s been a strange time. You think he’s turned a corner then something else turns up.

At the moment things are ok but who knows how long that will last to my knowledge he’s not used at all today.

How are you?

[hollybush]

Hi

Not good, if I’m being honest but life goes on and nothing changes.

It was my birthday yesterday with no presents and him disappearing after work and now owing money.

That’s good if he hasn’t used xx

[coco1212]

Aww Holly I’m sorry to hear your birthday was tainted by this habit.

I hope your OK.

It is good but I’m no fool dare say it’ll rare it’s ugly head again.

I do feel for because there’s nothing worse then thinking or knowing they owe money.

I’m not sure if I told he was slashed last month it wasn’t for owing money so he says it was because they wanted what he had.

It could of been worse thankfully no serious harm was caused.

Always here if you want to chat. X

[hollybush]

Hi

I’m fine, I expected it. Its the same every year and every year he promises it’s going to be different.

More fool me for staying and believing it could actually happen.

I just want it all to end. I actually told him I wanted him to overdose and die last night and I really meant it and still mean it.

I know how awful that is but I actually can’t see it ending any other way. He will never leave or let me leave to have a ‘normal life’

I remember you saying about him being slashed, let’s hope that never happens again.

I really hope your bloke has turned a corner and things just keep getting better for you.

Thanks for being here, just knowing there is someone who understands how i feel makes it all just a tiny bit more bearable and less lonely.

Always here if you need to talk or just need to rant xx

[coco1212]

I’ve said the same to him before, they don’t seem to realise that their habit affects other people. I’ve told him many times this isn’t just about you, what you do drags me and the children down with you but unfortunately the penny doesn’t drop.

This habit makes them become very selfish in my opinion. And someday as awful as it sounds the only way out of it does seem to be death. I don’t wish it on him really but I do know how you feel, I do know how he’s pushed you so far you say the words.

He seems to be doing OK for now but he’s got a job on this morning and he’s getting money next week so I think we know how that will turn out.

Xx

[ash2013]

Hi,

I have read your messages, and wanted to just say that you are not alone.

Hollybush, honestly I feel your pain. my husband is now 11 months clean, something I never thought I’d be able to say. And I count my blessings every day. You’d have thought this year would have been awful with the lockdowns etc, but it has been a dream in comparison to the previous 15.

I too contemplated not wanting to be here, but honestly darling, you need to try to detach yourself from his ways, and not let it define you.

If i’ve learnt anything it is that you cannot change someone, it doesnt matter how bad you feel, how much they hurt you, how sad you feel that they are choosing this drug over everything else. Its their choice, and not yours.

I dont know what your home living arrangements are, but if there is any way to get out, then do that, and save yourself.

You have to be selfish and think of yourself and not him.

Sending love x

[hollybush]

Hi

Thank you for your kind words and support.

My trouble is that my brother lives at my parents house and there isn’t enough room for me and the kids too and I haven’t got anywhere else to go.

What made your husband get clean?. I am told there is this defining moment, I am not sure I believe that though.

I know I need to get out for both myself and the kids, it’s just having the resources to do it and making sure it’s for good, no matter what he does.

I have started to try and squirrel away some of my wages to help.

Thanks again and I really hope your husband continues on the right path

Xx

[dre80]

I have been reading your publication for a long time. I am impacted because you have a long-standing relationship and more tangible and continuous experiences. I was almost 5 months with a cocaine addict, he abuses alcohol too. I met him on the Internet and we engaged something daily and intense. I started to like him too much, and he told me that he had been using cocaine for 5 years, then 7 years, not even he knows right. I think it must be about 10 years of use. He just doesn’t sell the things in the house that his parents let him live here, because they give him an allowance, but he’s always asking his sister for more. I tried to help, and I saw that with you it is a cycle! he goes to the doctor and takes controlled medications, but he doesn’t do therapy and just claims he needs to stop, but it’s a lie, right? He gave me an STD and I paid the costs, I charged him and he gave me the money back. I try to make him aware of the risk that other viruses passed through the immune window, and papilloma too. He drank too much one day with a brother, I had never seen him drink, more than 20 bottles, he bit my arm hard and taking him home, I saw on his cell phone, writing to the dealer, that I wasn’t going to deliver (because I was with him). He was going to use cocaine after using a lot of alcohol, a very risky reaction to cocaine. It has been 5 days since this happened, and I am also reading your report, to convince me that what you say is real. I never saw him high on cocaine, just beer that night and it was horrible. I didn’t see that dynamic of you in it and it shakes me, because it doesn’t seem like something that fits him. But it’s real, right? because you live with someone like that, it’s been a dynamic for years. I believe that for having an allowance, and still not paying the bills, to use more drugs, that he still does not sell, and does not stay on the street.

[hollybush]

Hi

When I first meet my husband he was in the army and very into fitness. We were also very young (17 and 19).

Never in a million years did I see my life being with an addict or feeling so anxious and unhappy all the time.

You are right, it is a cycle and it has taken me a long time to see that and to realise my husband will say anything to get his cocaine but also keep his family together.

I also never used to believe that he did the same things eg lying and manipulating like other addicts do. I wanted to believe he would never lie to my face and would always choose us.

This is not the case. He would promise me the world if he thought it would get him what he wants.

He did start going to groups couple of times and even did counselling but soon stop when the urge to use kicked in or the counsellor start to ask him difficult questions.

Sometimes when he hasn’t used or is on a come down I honestly believe he wants to stop but then he does it again and the lying starts. I think he actually hates that I see through every single lie and know exactly when he is feeling like he needs to do it and what he is going to say.

I can feel him sitting there working out what he is going to say and how he is going to justify it to me and himself.

His Dad is an alcoholic and he always promised he would never put me or the kids through anything like that, but in some ways what he does is worst.

He never drinks while he is taking cocaine and actually stopped going out and fell out with his drinking mates because he chose to do cocaine and none of them do it and told him he was a dick for doing it.

I can only tell you about my experience and how it affects me and my kids in a daily basis.

My advice to you is to walk away and don’t look back. I wish I had done that the first time he told me he was doing it.

Everyone asks me why do I stay, the only answer is that I have nowhere stable to go with 2 kids and no resources to start again.

My brother lives at my parents house and even though they would make room for us, it would just be leaving to go to a different kind of nightmare.

I want my kids to stay in their home and have their own space.

The man I fell in love with and married is gone and I am never

going to get him back.

I hope that what I write can some how help you because reading other people’s post have given me strength and made me realise I am not alone in this

Sending hugs and love

Take care xx

[lll1234]

Hi. This is my first post. I found out about a year and a half ago that my husband was using cocaine. We were having a fight and i thought he had a condom in his pocket and it was a small bag with coke. I was so mad and I asked him if he was using drugs all the time. He said no and that it was only from his birthday. Then we went on vacation and he bought some and showed it to me and I tried it as well for the first time. We both did it each night on vacation. I have done it a few times with him before it got to the point where I saw his personality significantly changing. I didnt realize how seriously into it he is. When we came home, I found a large bag with a a large amount of cocaine. He told me he doesnt do it that often and hasnt been doing it for that long. His behavior has started to get increasingly mean and scary. We already did have problems in our relationship and he blames me a lot for not being honest about my past. We have been married 15 years and together for 20. He gets jealous but wont admit he is jealous. He callsme horrible names all the time even though i have never cheated on him. After our vacation I found out I was pregnant and he said he was excited. Then he was angrier and angrier and would lash out and call me every name and even physically hit me. I had a miscarriage , and I will always believe it was because of the stress. Right before I miscarried he told me i should have an abortion. Since then he acts like he hates me more and more but then sometimes will snap out of it after the worst fights and want to be intimate. Then we will be ok for a few days and then the cycle will start again. I recently started to blame his cocaine habit for the way he is acting, and tells me that he is acting this way because of me and because i havent been honest with him about my past and that I am disgusting, and that he has the cocaine use under control I work fulltime and he stays home with our kids. . I am really worried about him and our family, but now when i try to say that he says that i didnt ever care about him and I havent actually tried to help him or try and be honest with him about my past so he wouldnt feel this way. I am really worried. He gets scary when he is angry and grabs me by the neck or slaps me in the face. I miss my husband. He has been sleeping in the basement for three weeks and says he never wants to sleep in bed with me again. Ive told him to get treatment. He even called my parents to try and convince them to help him deal with my lying, and told them that he is so upset about it that he uses cocaine. My parents are telling me that he needs treatment, which I agree with, but he wont listen to me and thinks I dont really care. I really just dont know what to do.

[coco1212]

LLL1234

He definitely does need help but as I’m sure already aware if he won’t admit to his problem or accept there is one then there’s nothing you can do.

There are two big worries here and I am not judging please do not think that. We are all doing the best we can with the addicts we’re involved with. But the two worries are him having the children while your at work and the physical abuse he has started with you.

If he doesn’t want to sleep with you and as he says you’ve not been honest about your past so that’s why he uses has he mentioned moving out ?

The thing is with addicts well in my experience they will use every excuse as to why they use to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.

I really feel for you. I think you may need to seek advice from other agencies that can help you.

Take care of yourself x

[lll1234]

Coco

Thank you for responding. He has not mentioned moving out unless it has been me trying to tell him hes messed up and him saying “do you want me to leave”?, but he has never said that he wants to move out. But he also does say that he has to be with me because he thinks im a bad mom and that I will not teach the kids the right way because he thinks I was not brought up the right way and thats why my past is the way that it is. He loves his kids so much and is good to them but I see this just getting worse by the second. I have told him I will support him through recovery, but then if he just takes off and I dont know where he is I freak out and then we start huge arguments again and he goes back to saying that I caused this.

I dont know how else to approach this.

[coco1212]

I’ll be honest it is very hard especially when their not ready to admit there’s a problem.

I’m sure he loves his children but he has to realise that if he takes the drugs while looking after the children he’s putting them at risk.

My ex because of who he use to be around got my house raided and social services involved they take drug abuse very seriously.

And if they was to out your husband looks after them being an addict they would take action.

Please don’t think im trying to scare you, I’m only speaking from my own personal experience.

I get the freaking out part because I do it. It’s awful and they have no how we feel and I don’t think they care. It’s all about chasing the fix.

I hope he sees sense x

[hollybush]

Hi LLL1234

I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage, its heartbreaking to hear that anyone has gone through it but especially in your circumstances.

Your husband sounds very much like mine when it comes to the name calling, cheating accusations and general nastiness.

I am very similar to you, I have been with my husband for 22 years and married for 19 with 2 kids.

None of this is your fault or because of you.

He needs to admit he has a problem before he can even start to get the help he needs.

My husband did exactly the same with my parents luckily they knew what he was doing and told him to get help. He even demanded money from them or he would run away with the kids.

Like Coco1212, it scares me that he looks after the kids while you are at work but completely understand how difficult childcare can be and how it would be hard for you to change the situation considering how your husband is.

The physical abuse also scares me. Have you told anyone about it?

Even though I have not got the resources or the courage to do it yet I believe the best thing for us would be to walk away and never look back.

Hopefully I can do this sooner rather than later. I would never stop my husband from seeing my kids but I will not be encouraging, they resent and hate the way my husband treats us as a family.

It breaks my heart to write it but if I knew 22 years ago what I know now I would never have got with him. The bad times are definitely out weighing the good.

It is definitely not your fault if your husband can not deal with the fact you have a past, I think he is using that as an excuse not face his own problems or what he had become.

I know my husband does this and I used to fall or feel guilty when he say that I’m not doing thing right, I say the wrong thing, I say too much, I ‘ve changed and let myself go or that I am a shit wife and mum. From reading things on this on this site I now know its his guilt,shame and his way of manipulating me to get what he wants and try my hardest to ignore him,which is one of hardest things in the world.

Hopefully writing on this site will help you realise you are not alone.

This site has been my saviour over the last few months, I feel less lonely and have realised there are so many of000 us going through similar situations. The support,advice and friendship has really helped me through some dark times.

Just remember that YOU ARE AMAZING and a Brilliant Mum and there is always someone on here if you need to chat and rant. You can not do it for him,however much you want to. He needs to own it and want to get help.

Big hugs and take care of yourself

Xx

[hollybush]

How are things with you Coco1212? Xx

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[coco1212]

Hello everyone

How are things with me ? Good question. In all honesty I don’t know. I feel like somehow,somewhere it’s all gone wrong and I can’t work out how or why.

I’m really in a tough situation if he doesn’t stay here he has nowhere to go but lately my kids don’t want him around he can’t take no for answer. He’s constantly begging for money and gets louder and louder with it and then shouting until an argument breaks out.

I just wish he could just get his own place now I’m fed up of this life.

[hollybush]

Hi Coco

I am in exactly the same place right now.

My kids are both very anxious and resent their dad.

You can see them rolling their eyes at him when he talks.

My eldest suffers from OCD and it’s really bad at the moment, even his school is worried about him.

What do I say? It’s because their dad is a drug addict.

When I tell him how bad it is with the kids, he gets all defensive and makes out it me turning the kids against him and they wouldn’t know anything if it wasn’t for me. It’s just not fair on the kids and my heart is breaking at how badly it is affecting them both.

The other Friday we went out as a family to a retail park so one of the kids could spend their birthday money and as soon as we got home from a nice evening of us all laughing and being happy, he was wanting money. It caused a massive arguement and totally ruined the evening for the kids and I. He woke up the next day as if nothing had happened which wound the kids up even more.

He expects them to know there is a consequence for your actions (not being able to go on your playstation, if you don’t do you homework) but doesn’t face the consequences for his actions.

I too just wish he would move out and let the kids and I have a normal life.

I am constantly looking at house rentals but until I change my job ( I can’t do this until the youngest leaves primary school in July), i have no chance of affording a place on my own.

It’s just a vicious circle.

Big hugs xx

[coco1212]

I totally understand. Your absolutely right they don’t get it do they the children see what they are it’s nothing to do with us.

One of my children absolutely hates his dad and has no respect for him whatsoever. I do say to him sometimes mind your mouth but he’s still your dad. Like you say they don’t mind the children having consequences for their actions but don’t expect any for themselves.

I feel for I really do. It’s a horrible situation to be in. And it is most definitely a vicious cycle.

Sending love to you x

[hollybush]

Hi

All we can do is look after and protect out children as much as we can. ❤

I am slowly learning that it’s not me, its him and as hard as it is its slowly sinking in that he doesn’t believe he needs to change (even though he says he does and will).

Thanks for being a great support, I feel like our situations are so alike.

Take care xx

[coco1212]

It is him and never for one second think it’s you.

Unfortunately probably at this moment in time he doesn’t. Mine is at the in two minds stage he’s been for help and stuff, he says he wants to be free of it but his cravings for it are far stronger then he is.

Our situations probably are similar and in some ways that brings comfort but in others it so sad that other people, other families are suffering this way too.

Always here if you want to chat, rant or just off load sometimes It does help especially the days when you feel like your going crazy and feel so trapped with it all. Well it does me. X

[hollybush]

Hi

It is very sad how one person and their addiction can turn so many lives upside down.

I am just so glad that I found this forum,it has really helped and given me the knowledge that I am not to blame and I am not on my own.

Always here for you to chat, rant and unload.

Xx

[hollybush]

Hi Johnboy44

Thank you so much for the advice.

I will tell him.

There is a new gym opening where we live and we both said about joining.

Hopefully this will give him more of an incentive to.

He has been in touch with a local support charity again this week who said they can see him between Cmas and new year.

He went from Saturday to Friday last week without doing it.

I am thinking positive and hoping this is the start of him stopping.

Take care x

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